


Stay With Me

by eatreadwritesleep



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mpreg, Panic Attacks, Rape/Non-con References
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-08
Updated: 2015-07-31
Packaged: 2017-11-28 15:26:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 29
Words: 153,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/675949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eatreadwritesleep/pseuds/eatreadwritesleep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is what Louis can remember clearly. They had all been at a club, having a great time. He had danced with Harry, and then Harry had left to get them something to drink. But then it gets blurry. He gets dizzy and things don’t feel right. A stranger is all over him, and in him, and no. No, don’t think about that. It hurts to think about that. Louis is strong, and he’s the oldest, and he’s a man. He can push through whatever happened. And he’ll have to, now that this doctor’s just said, “Congratulations, Mr. Tomlinson. You’re pregnant”.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm addicted to run on sentences.

This nightclub was absolutely WILD.

And that was Louis’ environment. He felt somewhat at home here. Mingling and flirting with strangers with four of his best friends. His brothers.

Harry, charming girls with a simple flick of the hair.

Zayn, lulling people in with those deep brown eyes of his. No matter how dark the club, people couldn’t help but stare at them.

Niall, stunning girls with his adorable accent and free laughter. The type of laughter that you wish you had. To laugh so wild and free like a child with no worries.

And Liam, fumbling over his words and blushing while stating that he had a faithful girlfriend that he loved. And funny how that worked, because the more he said he wouldn’t dance, or kiss, or cheat, the more the girls were inclined to try.

Louis watched Harry dance with a girl at least 8 years older than him. It was the curls. He downed the rest of his beer before making his way onto the dance floor, promptly pulling Harry away from that old bat and into a more secluded area.

He turned around in Harry’s arms, the younger boys large hands settling on his waist. They swayed lightly to the music.

“Jealous?” whispered Harry, low into his ear.

“Hardly. I just think you deserve better.”

“And you are?”

“My bum is bigger.”

Harry hummed in his ear. Louis leaned his head back and closed his eyes, the two of them swaying in their own little world, completely against the beat of the loud music blaring through the club.

“You’re my best friend, you know that, right?” asked Louis.

He felt Harry stiffen slightly. Not his penis, his body.

“Yea…”

“I love you…”

“I know.”

“Do you love me?”

“Always, Lou. Always.”

He felt Harry’s lips give his neck a soft kiss, before he released Louis.

“I’m going to get another drink. Want anything, boo?”

“Yea. Whatever you get is fine.”

Harry smiled, before turning around and pushing himself through the crowd.

And then he saw her. Well…more like everyone did.

Hair so long and flowing and blonde. A very light blonde, almost white. Blue eyes brighter than Niall’s, and so impossibly big, and Louis knew he would probably not be able to look away. Lips so plump and large and red, disappearing behind her tongue for a moment to reappear moist and glistening with a fresh coat of saliva and it should have been disgusting but this girl must have been part Veela because he couldn’t look away and she was coming towards him and now she was standing in front of him.

And he hadn’t even seen her body yet.

“Dance with me?”

He could only nod.

She grabbed hold of his hand and tugged him slightly, him following her like a small child.

She stood closely in front of him, before turning around and guiding his hands to her waist.

And then they were grinding, following the beat of the music that played, and he was falling farther and faster. Her smell was overwhelming him, the feel of her bum on his crotch was nearly too much, the small pants she let out and they writhed sensually against each other. It was getting too hot…he felt dizzy.

“Come with me…”

He nodded again, too far gone for words.

There were two of her…three…four…

She touched his arm, and it sent a crippling heat shooting through him and he let out a low moan.

“Come on…quickly…”

He struggled to keep up. He couldn’t see anything but her now and his vision was dimming and some small part of him was screaming at him to get away from her but it was too late.

Darkness.

…  
…  
…

And then he was in a bed.

It was dark.

He was shivering.

Why couldn’t he see?

What the hell?

His head was pounding, and his arms were sore and numb, his throat hurt like hell… In fact, his whole body was in agony.

There was no way it was this dark though. He couldn’t see anything.

His throat was parched. As he tried to swallow, he realized something was in his mouth. A cloth or something.

He tried to move his arms to remove it, but he couldn’t. He froze, and then tugged at his arms. They were tied to something.

This wasn’t right. He squinted, trying to make something out. Anything at all.

And it finally dawned on him. He was blindfolded. And tied up. And gagged.

A raw panic suddenly possessed his body and he screamed and flailed and tried his hardest to get himself free.

He twisted his body anyway he could. His legs were free, so he kicked them, tugging his arms relentlessly.  
He had to get out. He had to get away. Where was he? How did he get here? He was just at the club with Harry and the boys…

Oh God, Harry!

Was he here too, tied up? He tried to speak but ended up coughing and choking. He couldn’t breathe.

“The more you panic, the more you’ll choke.”

He froze, breathing heavily.

Someone was here…

“You’re really sexy in person, Mr. Tomlinson. I’m sure you get told that a lot, but you are really fit.”

He felt the bed move as a weight settled on it.

Rough fingers traced his chest.

Where was his shirt? He shivered again.

He was so cold because he was naked.

He started screaming and fighting to get free again before the feel of cold, sharp, metal pressed against his throat stopped him.

“Shh…”said the unknown male, his other hand tracing Louis’ body slowly. His hand came dangerously close to his member and Louis sucked in a breath, trying not to scream again. The knife pressed harder against his throat.

“You’re a bit of a screamer, aren’t you? You were pretty damn loud when I took you earlier.”

Louis froze.

“Oh, you didn’t realize it by now? Why do you think you’re so sore?”

What was he saying? They…they…he wracked his brain for any memory at all but everything was blank. All he remembered was being at the club with Harry and the boys.

Harry…

Where was Harry!?

He tried to move, yell, anything…

“I’ll take off the gag, and you won’t scream at all or I’ll slice your throat and bathe in your blood. Seems fair, right?”

Louis couldn’t stop himself from trembling as he nodded yes.

The gag came off and Louis gasped, trying to control his breathing but failing.

“Ask away, Tommo.”

He flinched. “Where’s Harry? And the others?” His voice came out in a rasp that had him coughing afterwards.

“So you care about them more than yourself? Cute. You were brought here alone last night. So relax.”

Brought. Someone took him here? But he was with Harry…

“I don’t remember that. Who-

“Drugs work wonders sweetheart. The point of the blindfold is to hold a little anonymity. Everybody loves a secret.”

“Did we have sex?”

“Nah, not really. I had sex with you though. I like the whole struggling, fighting, not wanting it thing. It’s a bit of a turn on. Plus, you’re an awesome deep throat.”

What was this guy even saying?

“You look confused. Let me clear it up a bit. I raped you.”

And then Louis’ mind went blank, so he was literally sitting in darkness because he couldn’t think right and couldn’t see and it was getting hard to breathe and how did this happen where was he…

The man burst into laughter, his cackles shaking the bed, the sound dragging Louis further and further into this bubbling pit of dread, terror, and shock. He could feel it creeping up his spine.

He needed to get away from this man.

He needed to get back home.

“Relax Tommo, relax. It’s just, I always find that reaction hilarious when I tell my victims. It’s classic.”

Louis was whimpering now.

“Aww, no tears. I’m not gonna kill you. In fact, I’m getting ready to leave. Places to go, people to rape, that type of thing. And I would kill for a cheeseburger right about now. Not you though…I said I wouldn’t kill you, breathe. Jeez.”

These weren’t tears of fear as much as they were tears of frustration and growing anger. How dare he? How dare he use him like this?

Was he really going to survive this?

“Alright. I’m going to loosen the ropes binding your arms. Just enough that it’ll probably take around 10 minutes for you to get out of them. While you do that, I’m gonna jet. I’m starving. You took a lot out of me, Tommo. Wild ride. Ha.”

He could feel rough fingers working on the ropes, giving his arms a bit more circulation. Then the weight on the bed disappeared.

“It was fun. But I prefer one timers. I don’t like relationships. Bye Tommo, dear. Oh, by the way, all your clothes are on the dresser next to you, with your wallet and cell phone. I’m a rapist, not a thief. Toodles.”

The door slammed, and Louis was draped in silence. He immediately set to freeing his arms, which took a really long time, and they were hurting like hell. Finally, his right arm flopped down beside him, and he used it to free his left. Then he tugged at the blindfold, flinching as his eyes adjusted to the dull lighting in the room. He could see sunlight peeking from behind the curtains. It was day time. The boys, Paul, and management, must be freaking the hell out.

No matter when they were leaving, who they were leaving with, what was going on, if they were stepping one foot outside of any building and they walked in there together, a club, the recording studio, their apartment…they would either call, or go and tell one of each other. So the fact that Louis was here now, and they probably had no idea where he was, was probably driving them insane with worry.

He moved to sit up slightly, and gasped as a fresh wave of pain rolled down his spine and through out his body. But nothing compared to the pain in his arse.

He sat still on the bed and just stared at the wall ahead of him for a while, to get his body to relax in some sort of way, before he moved slowly, dragging himself out of the bed, gasping in pain the whole time. Looking back, he paled as he saw the blood stain on the bed, before looking down and realizing he was bleeding.

Okay.

Okay.

Louis grabbed his belongings, taking note of the small card that had the name of a hotel on it-finally, he knew where he was- before staggering to the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind him. He placed them on the floor by the door before looking at himself in the mirror.

There were questionable stains all over his body, even on his face…near his mouth…

And then he was doubled over in front of the toilet, retching and vomiting violently. He remained that way for a while before he was empty of everything and anything. Gingerly standing up, Louis almost slipped on the small droplets of blood that were still leaking from him. He stepped slowly over to the bathtub, reaching down to turn the water on, and then pulling the lever, activating the shower. There was a clean wash cloth hanging at the back of the shower, and he grabbed it before soaping it up and scrubbing his body gently.

It seemed no matter how carefully he scrubbed himself, he still hurt.

The water was too hot, and was tinting his skin red, but he heard somewhere that heat kills bacteria, and he had never felt more filthy.

All Louis wanted to do was just curl up under the sheets of his own bed, alone, in the dark. So he wouldn’t sit here in this shower forever, as much as he wanted to try and clean himself.

Probably pointless, as he would never be clean after this, but whatever.

Louis cleaned his private areas as carefully as he could, biting his lip as he reached around to try and clean his bum as best as he could. He then grabbed the hotel brand shampoo, lathering his hair gently.

His arms were aching in protest.

Almost done.

The water washed the soap and shampoo and most of the grime off of him, because remember, he was forever filthy now, and he shut it off, before getting out and placing his feet on the step mat. Grabbing the fluffy white towel next to his clothes, Louis dried off, dragging the towel down and around his body, and then his hair. Looking in the mirror again, he seemed to look worse. It was almost scary how pale he was right now.

Louis eyes caught the glint of his phone, and he cursed. How did he forget? He turned it on, and watched as it vibrated for a straight 3 minutes from missed calls and messages. Finally, the barrage stopped and he looked on in awe. 50 missed calls. 85 text messages.

86 now.

Louis really wanted to respond but he just didn’t know what he would say, so he placed the phone down and focused on putting on his clothes.

After dressing himself, he unlocked the door, and looked around before making his way out.

He needed to call a taxi.

He dialed a familiar number, telling the name of the hotel and making his way out the room. He was in a suite.

Wow.

True to that man’s word, he was alone here now. Louis caught sight of his keys on the dinning table, a small note under them.

_Told you I wasn’t a thief, Tommo._

_With love._

Louis angrily ripped up the note and tossed it in the sink, turning on the water and watching the small pieces go down the drain, before throwing himself down on the couch, instantly regretting it as the pain hit.

He curled up on the couch and waited for the taxi company to call him.

…

The sound of his phone vibrating woke Louis up from the light sleep he fell into. He slid his finger across the phone and put it on speaker, too exhausted to lift it too his ear.

“Ello?” he mumbled, his voice coming out in an even worse rasp than before.

“Hello Mr. Tomlinson. I’m just calling to alert you that I am at the entrance of the hotel.”

“Kay. Be right down.”

He hung up before slowly standing up and limping to the table, scribbling a small note apologizing for the sheets, before grabbing his keys and making his way out of his prison.

From then on, he straightened himself out and all but strut down, forcing himself to lose the limp because now he was in the public eye, and their fans were the most observant people he’d ever dealt with.

There were enough gay rumors as it was, and he literally would throw himself off a bridge if someone suspected ANYTHING happened that happened to him.

So he ignored the gasp of a girl he passed in the hallway, merely running a hand through his hair and getting on the lift, making his way down to the lobby.

People squealed and gasped as he walked by them, not sparing them a glance, because he just needed to get home.

He saw the taxi, and stepped up to it as the driver rushed out to open the door for him, and Louis stepped inside, grunting slightly as he hit the seat.

Thanking God for tinted windows, as quite the crowd had gathered, he leaned against the window and stared out of it, letting his body go somewhat slack.

“Home I presume, Mr. Tomlinson?” asked John, his regular driver when he called.

Louis nodded, jerking a bit as the car drove off, and he completely zoned out until he was in front of his and Harry’s shared apartment.

God, he really didn’t want to deal with this right now. He could feel the boy’s anger and distress from in the car. He just knew these boys.

And Harold must be beside himself.

And management.

He placed a wad of cash in John’s hand, too far gone to count, and thanked him before making his way to the door, inserting the key, and turning it. The moment the door opened, he was bombarded.

Liam was screaming at him, Zayn was cursing him out so fiercely he felt the words like punches, Niall was giving him a look that should have melted him, which made him feel worse because it was Niall, and Harry was just sitting on the couch, staring at him with that gaze of his, the one that was analyzing and trying to figure out what was wrong, and he could see that Louis was coming apart at the seems.

He realized Paul was there after he pushed his way past the boys and grabbed Louis’ arm, making him look at him.

“Explain everything. Now.”

But Louis couldn’t focus because even though he knew Paul and the man was like a father to him, but he was male…he was male and he had a penis and that was a weapon to him right now he was touching him ALL the boys were touching him it was too much he needed space they needed to get off of him he had to get away he needed to be alone too many thoughts the pain was too much they had to let him go let him go let him go…

And then he was shoving past them all. He grabbed a dining room chair as he ran, dragging it behind him, running into his room and locking the door behind him, and then wedging the chair under the door knob, effectively bolting it.

He needed to be alone, the boys be damned, because he was not in his right mind right now. He could feel it. Everything was wrong with him and he needed to sort himself out because this was just so messed up and unfair and how could this happen to him?

He took off all of his clothes, tossing them in a corner, before placing knew ones on. Harry’s purple Jack Wills sweat shirt, so large and warm and it smelled like him, and that was comforting.

A pair of Zayn’s boxers that magically appeared in his stash. One of Niall’s pajama bottoms. And a teddy that Liam bought him for no reason, but because he loved him and it had been wearing a striped shirt.

He curled up on his bed, clutched the bear to him, reveled in the feeling of all the boys, even if they weren’t near him physically, and fell into a deep and troubled sleep.  
.  
.  
.

“Louis…Louis, I’m sorry I screamed at you. Can I come in?” asked Liam.

.  
.  
.

“Louis, lad, we didn’t hear from you in a day, we were worried, lad, but it’s cool now. But we need you to open up…so we can talk.” said Niall.  
.  
.  
.

“I’m not gonna lie, you pissed me the hell off, and you’re still a dick for not calling or anything, but I’m pissed coz I love you, Louis. You don’t have to open the door. You don’t even have to answer. But I just needed you to remember that I love you.” stated Zayn.  
.  
.  
.

“Louis, please, you’ve been in there for a whole day.”  
.  
.  
.

“At least open your door, take this food, and you can close it again, alright? But we need you too eat…”

.  
.  
.

“Tell us what’s wrong…Harry can you talk to him, please? Say something to him…anything.”  
.  
.  
.

“Are you using the chair as a bolt? What’s wrong with you, Louis? Answer us…please…”  
.  
.  
.

“No Paul, I know it’s been three days…we’ll get him out of there…don’t break down the door. You can leave, and handle management…we’ll handle Louis.”  
.  
.  
.

“Boo bear, I’m not mad at you anymore, so can you please talk to me?”  
.  
.  
.

“Louis? Boo please…”  
.  
.  
.

“Boo…boo something’s really wrong with you and I’m hurting and I know you are too…I can feel it. But you don’t like to be alone Louis…I know you…so why won’t you let me in?”  
.  
.  
.

“I miss your smell boo…I miss your voice and I miss your laugh and I miss the way you hold my hand for no reason and the way you tell me off when I get too cheeky and the way you steal my meatballs off my plate when I make us pasta and the way you roll your eyes but still stay with me when I put in Love Actually for the third time in a week and…boo please….please…”  
.  
.  
.

“Louis? It’s Eleanor. The boys called me here. You haven’t answered any of my texts or calls and I’m worried…this isn’t like you”  
.  
.  
.

“Danielle here. When you get out there, I’m gonna kick your ass for stressing me out. I love you. The others want you out. I think you should stay in there, figure out your life, and come out when you’re ready. Pun intended really. But you need to eat darling.”  
.  
.  
.

Now sat Harry, Liam, Zayn, Niall, Danielle, and Eleanor on various couches and on the floor in the living room. Harry’s face was blank as he stared down at his hands, clenching and unclenching them.

They were all silent, before Liam finally spoke up.

“He’s been in there for three days, not a bite to eat. I haven’t heard the toilet flush once since yesterday. I’m afraid that he’s unconscious or something…”

“How are we going to get in there? The door is almost a good as bolted shut.” asked Zayn.

“We made all his favorite foods…” mumbled Niall.

“If we do get him out, are we going to shove food down his throat? I know Louis…he’s going to be difficult.” said Eleanor.

Harry’s eyes shot to her, before looking back down at his hands.

Niall sighed before getting up, and grabbing his guitar, sitting down in front of Louis’ door.

He played the chords to a familiar song, his voice soft as he sang, mellow and comforting.

“And I don’t want the world to see me…cause I don’t think that they’d understand…”  
.  
.  
.

On the morning of day four, they all sat silent and tense with worry. Niall was still playing songs for Louis. At one point, they had heard footsteps from inside, and they saw the shadow of his feet from the crack under the door, standing in front of it.

At least they knew he was alive.

A plate of toast, eggs, and bacon sat on the table in the kitchen. Beside it, a steaming cup of Yorkshire Tea. Harry had made it, and they all watched him, wondering how he would get Louis out to eat it.

They had listened to him calm Jay on the phone last night, making the distraught mother a promise that he would help her son.

So now they watched Harry who was standing still, facing the direction of the bedrooms, Niall’s soft but strained voice droning in the background. Harry walked into his room, shoving things around and making a lot of noise before he came back out, a pair of rugged boots on his feet.

“Niall, move.” he said.

“Harry, what-

The music suddenly cut off as Niall scrambled out of the way as Harry took a running start and kicked Louis’ door. Hard. The sound was loud. Loud as hell. Harry took a couple steps back before charging at the door again, kicking as hard as he could. He did this until the door splintered, and he kicked and kicked before a sizable hole appeared. He saw the chair, and used his foot to push it out of the way, sighing in relief as it clattered to the ground. He then gave the door a final kick before the lock gave in, and he gingerly took off his shoes and made his way into Louis’ room.

Louis lay curled up on his bed, faded blue eyes piercing as they glared at Harry.

“Get out.”

“You.” replied Harry.

Louis simply turned his body around, but was unprepared as Harry literally dragged him off the bed and dropped him on the floor.

“What the fu-

Harry then grabbed him and hoisted him into his arms, backing out of the room.

“Let go of me. Harold Edward Styles. Let. Go. Of. Me.”

Harry ignored him, and Louis went limp in his arms, closing his eyes and breathing harshly.

He loved Harry but he couldn’t touch him like this right now…he needed…he…

He opened his eyes as Harry plopped him on a seat in front of food. Food he wasn’t going to eat.

“Eat it.”

Louis stared ahead, ignoring him.

“Now.” said Harry.

Louis instead shoved the plate off the table, and then grabbing the tea, all but throwing it in Harry’s face. Luckily, the tea had cooled so it didn’t burn the skin off of Harry, but he still reeled back in shock that Louis would even think too-

And the Louis was so mad that Harry had dragged him like some animal out here trying to feed him like he owned him, like he was some animal to be mounded and domesticated and used and bred and he literally couldn’t even EVEN…and his sight was literally fading in and out and he was breathing ragged and shaking and everything went black…and then a burst of red rage shot up his spine and took over his body.

And he was on Harry, screaming and punching and cursing and scratching and doing anything he could to hurt him like he was hurting. Harry stumbled back and hit the wall hard, holding his hands up to shield himself from the barrage.

“Don't you ever, ever touch me like that again! Don't you ever drag me like that! You have no right!” he screamed.

The other’s watched in shock, as they had never pegged Louis as the fighting type, as he landed blow after blow. The strength behind those looked like they would give Paul a run for his money. Liam moved to help but Zayn held him back.

“Harry’s not fighting back for a reason. Let this play out.”

They watched in shock and a bit of horror as Louis latched his fingers into Harry’s hair and all but dragged him, swinging him into the kitchen table, narrowly missing Danielle. The boys grabbed the girls and moved the hell out of the way because this was scary, how crazy Louis was acting right now.

Harry gasped in pain as his shoulder hit the table, and he fell down hard, curling up as Louis continued to beat down on him. Harry managed to get up and back into another wall, Louis following him with punches, landing hits repeatedly on the younger boy’s chest.

“I hate you I hate you I hate you so much!”

They all watched as Louis hit Harry with everything he had, with a rage they’d never thought they’d see in him.

“You're disgusting and I hate you Harry I hate you I hate you I….I can’t…”

And then Louis was clinging to Harry desperately, sobbing hysterically. Harry in turn wrapped his arms around him, burying his face in Louis’ hair, holding him close and murmuring soft words in his ear. They made out muffled ‘I’m sorrys’ from Louis, and nothing else made sense as his breath hitched and he coughed and was nearly screaming into Harry’s chest, his body trembling so violently that he couldn’t hold himself up, so the two sank down together and Harry cradled Louis in arms.

“What happened to you boo?”

Louis just curled into Harry harder, crying even more.

“Okay okay shh…just breathe for me Lou…calm down…”

It took a while, but eventually, he managed to calm himself enough to breathe somewhat properly. He moved his head to stare at the others in the room, his eyes red and baggy, his nose dripping slightly, face pale and looking so utterly exhausted and done.

“I-I’m s-s-sorry…” he stuttered, his breathe hitching.

He looked like such a wounded puppy…

“Can we come closer?” asked Niall, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Yea…just…do-don’t touch me, okay? We-well…El and Dani c-can…”

And they all sat in a circle around them, Louis trembling in Harry’s arms, still crying softly.

Danielle scooted forward and ran her hand through Louis’ hair.

“You gonna tell us what happened?”

He shook his head no.

“Will you ever?” she continued.

“Y-yea…but not now.”

“Can I make a guess?”

And he could see in her eyes that she was staring to figure it out, and so was Eleanor. He could also tell that the boys had no idea and were trying to see what could have him so distraught like this, but he literally couldn’t deal with that right now.

“Let it go Dani. Please.”

She nodded, placing a kiss on his cheek before sitting back against Liam.

“I’ll be alright guys…I promise.”


	2. Chapter 2

Harry didn’t get attached to people very easily. Yes, he was always going to be known as that polite cheeky lad from Cheshire with the curls and big green eyes and blah blah blah One Direction.

He might not be a good actor when given lines and told to recite them. Because let’s face it…that whole iCarly thing?

Not his best.

But you tell him to make casual conversation, woo someone and the like, and he had no trouble.

But just because he was all smiles and clever words didn’t mean that he liked you, or that he cared, or that he truly wanted your company.

But it was different with the boys.

It was different with Louis.

They clicked almost instantly. All it took was a piss run, and a simple “Hi.”

It was unhealthy, how much he cared for the bubbly Doncaster lad.

He could be having the worst day. The sky could be cloudy and it could be pouring rain, or there could be a ten month drought happening and everything was dried up and almost dead, and he could be crying just because he was so tired of keeping up appearances and mad at people for trying to basically own him and it would take one look from Louis…one small tiny glance was all it took, and the sun would come up and the clouds would disappear and the drought would end and there would be rain and the tears would stop and he would feel alive again…

He loved Louis like no one ever could.

He knew that. It wasn’t cocky. It was the absolute truth.

So when Louis didn’t text or call or give a heads up, he had been a bit disgruntled. And the when minutes turned to hours with no words from him, he was just a teensy bit beside himself with worry.

And he had almost had a panic attack because you give Louis a drink and he can be yours, just like that, and he had left him for two minutes, two small minutes and the boy had vanished.

The club they were in was huge, so he thought he lost sight of him, but they searched every inch of that club, and he wasn’t there.

It was a soul crippling feeling that had waves of nausea slamming into him, and raw panic seeping out from his pores because this was Louis…and Harry loved Louis.

And then Louis had stumbled in, the next freaking morning, not a word or a call or a simple text that told them he was still alive.

And at that moment, Harry’s anger vanished and concern took its place.

Something was horribly wrong with Louis. He was so pale and was shaking, literally shaking. The bags under his eyes had never looked more pronounced.

And then Louis was running and locked himself in his room.

Three horrifying days filled with silence. None of Louis’ jokes, none of his smiles, none of that cheeky sassiness, none of that disregard for personal space…

It was empty without him.

The bathroom in Louis’ bedroom was twelve steps away from his bed. It took Louis around thirty steps to get there each time. Why was he walking like that? The toilet only flushed three times in three days. That wasn’t healthy. And then he’d hear absolutely nothing in between. Just silence.

He didn’t stalk Louis. Promise. But he was just hyper aware of the boy’s existence.

He wasn’t crazy.

He was just crazy in love.

So you really can’t blame him for snapping, and kicking that door down on the fourth day.

Lou hadn’t eaten anything at all. He wasn’t using the toilet, he never even turned on the lights when it got dark. It was like he had given up entirely and Harry wouldn’t allow that.

Ever.

So yes he did grab Louis and drag him out of that bed. And yes he did see the madness in those dulled blue eyes, waiting to break free. And yes he did sit there and take the whoop ass of a lifetime from his best friend. And yes he did sit there and hold him after he released all that anger. And yes he did let him use his shirt as a tissue. And yes he did hug him close while he trembled in his arms.

Because he loved Louis.

And that was all it took for Harry to be there.  
.  
.  
.

When Louis woke up, it was five in the morning, and he almost screamed when he saw he was wrapped in someone’s arms. But then he realized that those weren’t someone’s arms. They were Harry’s.

But he still couldn’t help it that he froze up. It sucked because he trusted Harry with his life but it…he couldn’t…

“Do you want me to let you go?”

Harry had whispered and Louis nearly jumped out of his skin. He nodded yes, and trained his eyes on the ceiling to avoid the hurt look he knew was on Harry’s face as the younger boy removed his arms from around him.

He could feel Harry’s eyes on him as he lay completely still on the bed.

The silence between them was uncomfortable. It was unwelcomed. It was an unfamiliar feeling. Things had never been like this for them.

They were best friends…and maybe a bit more, it was unsure.

“Talk to me Lou.”

Louis sighed, before finally turning to meet Harry’s gaze.

“What do you want me to say?”

“What happened to you? Why are you acting like this?”

“Nothing is wrong with me Harry.”

“That’s a lie and you-

“We have an interview at eight, right? I’m going to go shower. You catch up on some sleep, and stop worrying about me.”

“Lou, don’t cut me off-

“And don’t follow me. There’s no need to, because you already destroyed my door, so…

“Louis-

“And as soon as I shower, I’ll eat. Promise.”

And with that, he let himself out of the bed and all but speed walked into his room and into the bathroom, where he finally let the smile he had forced fade. After turning the shower on, his clothes were off in record time and he sighed as he stepped in, the hot water pelting onto his skin.

This was it.

He needed to get it together.

They could never see him like that again.

So he would take this shower, scrub himself raw, and step out the same ol’ Louis, at least on the outside.

He’d keep smiling until his lips bled, keep laughing until his stomach hurt, keep joking until the boys got sick of him, and they forgot about that massive breakdown he had…or at least put it behind them.

Louis stepped out of the shower, and then looked in the mirror. He all but gasped. There were bruises. From what he could see, there were hickeys on his chest, what looked like a bite mark on his shoulder…

His full body mirror was in his room, but he had no door…

But then he remembered that it was about 5:30 in the morning, and Harry was the only one up. He opened his bathroom door and stepped out quietly, looking out into the hallway.

It was empty.

Releasing his breath, he crept past the door over to the wall where the mirror was. He dropped the towel and stared. There were bruises on his thighs, legs, stomach…some blue and some yellowing. Turning around, he shuddered as he saw hand prints on his hips.

He didn’t want this.

Picking up his towel, he grabbed a pair of boxers, a simple pair of dark blue jeans, a white t-shirt and one of Harry’s black jumpers before making his way back to the bathroom. He threw them on quickly, and then put a beanie on his head and was out of his room toward the kitchen.

Harry had managed to get him to eat before he all but passed out yesterday.

Louis shuffled about the kitchen, putting water on the kettle and getting his favorite mug. The one with the H & L on it. He then rummaged around, his appetite still not at it’s best, and settled for a simple piece of toast. He plugged the toaster in and placed two slices of bread in, pushing the knob down. Grabbing one of the barstools, he pulled it up to the table before taking a seat and laying his head down on the cool marble table, his arms hanging limply at his sides.

He would be okay.

He had to be.

The sound of the toast shooting up jarred Louis from his musings, and he stood up, reaching above him and grabbing a small neon green plate. Taking out the toast, he went over to the fridge and grabbed some strawberry jam. As he spread the jam, the kettle began to let out that annoying screech, and he quickly reached over to turn off the stove before he woke up any more of the boys.

Placing both pieces of toast together to make a sandwich, Louis quickly prepared the rest of his tea before sitting back down, nibbling at the food.

He should be hungry. Starving.

But he wasn’t.

“You’re going to finish all of that.”

Louis jumped at the voice, but didn’t look up.

Damn it.

The sound of delicate feet patting the floor grew softly before reaching him. Tan feet with purple nail polish stared at him from below.

“Good morning Danielle.” he mumbled.

She didn’t answer. Instead, she grabbed an apple, a took a bit bite out of it before pulling up another stool and sitting beside him.

Most people didn’t know that Louis and Danielle were pretty good friends. They tried to keep it under wraps because some fans could be so vile, and they didn’t want to deal with affair rumors and similar nonsense.

“You wanna tell me why Harry just spent fifteen minutes crying on my shoulder?”

His blue eyes widened before zeroing in on her right shoulder, which was noticeably damp.

“He’s crying?”

“For you.”

Louis didn’t know what to say, so instead he took another bite of his sandwich.

“I know the signs, and this isn’t something you can brush off like a stubbed toe.”

“I don’t want to talk bout this D, I really don’t.”

“That’s fine by me, I’ll talk for you.”

Louis glared at her, before crying out as she punched his shoulder.

“I told you I’d kick your ass, but this’ll have to do. Now, I’m just going to say this before going back to that orgy of a guest room. Everybody’s packed in there, worried for you, but anyways. Remember that we’re your friends. And remember that Harry is your best friend, and he would do nothing to hurt you. Keep in mind that when you hurt, he hurts.”

“I didn’t mean to push him away like that.”

“He knows something’s wrong…relax, he doesn’t know exactly-

“But you do?”

“I’m about ninety five percent sure, actually. But like I was saying, he doesn’t know what it is, but he knows that you’re hurting, so he doesn’t blame you, but he still feels the pain.”

Part of Louis was thinking, screw Harry, because he knew NOTHING of what he was feeling. He shouldn’t be crying at all. Louis himself should be the only one. But he knows Harry, and Harry had a tendency to cry for other people more than himself…

“I’ll try…”

“Good.” whispered Danielle, before she embraced Louis softly, kissing him on his forehead.

They both turned when they heard a thump come from one of the rooms.

“Is Eleanor here too?” asked Louis.

“Yup. We shared the bed. All the guys are on the floor.”

Danielle got off the stool, adjusting Liam’s oversized shirt, and giving Louis one last look before walking off.

“D…wait…”

She stopped and turned around.

“I’ll talk to you…I promise…I just need some time okay?”

She raised her hands to her chest, and cupped them, using her fingers to form a heart. He did the same back, and watched as she went back to the guest room.

He could do this.

He could keep it together.

Louis finished off his toast, swallowing thickly as it went dreadfully slow down his throat. He took a sip of tea to help it go down, before sighing and placing his head back down on the table.

There were a number of sounds floating about the apartment as people started waking up. He listened as Liam bugged Zayn repeatedly to wake up. Niall’s voice boomed as he called first shower, and Louis let out a small laugh as he heard the groans from everybody else.

He heard Eleanor’s soft voice, but couldn’t make out what she said, but he had a clue what it must have been about since the whole room went silent.

Danielle said something too, he wasn’t sure what, but then everybody was making their way out and headed his way.

The group all congregated on the other side of the table, opposite from where Louis was, still with his head was rested on his arms, facedown.

Nobody said anything, and then Louis slowly lifted his head up, putting on a smile they were familiar with.

“It’s rude to stare.” he whispered.

They all knew that he wasn’t all there yet, but this was a vast improvement, and suddenly they all ran forward to embrace him in a massive group hug. Louis laughed and tried to keep his tears at bay.

He really, really, loved these people.

The hug went on for about thirty seconds before they pulled away, and Eleanor stepped forward.

“Don’t scare me like that again, okay?”

He nodded, biting his lip before hugging her tightly and releasing her.

“I’m going to go check on Harry.” he said, before getting up and walking toward Harry’s room, laughing as Liam started giving orders for people to literally hurry the hell up and get ready.

Louis trudged to Harry’s room, knocking softly on the door.

“Come in.” came a muffled reply.

Twisting the door knob, Louis let himself in, shutting the door softly behind him. Harry was lying on the bed, the covers draped over him, only his soft curls peeking out. Louis walked over toward the edge of the bed.

“Harry?” he whispered.

The covers shifted a bit before the rest of Harry’s head made itself known, his green eyes impossibly wide and lusciously green, even with that red, “I just cried over you” tint.

“Yea Lou?”

His voice was a bit raspier than normal.

Louis shuffled on his feet, before raising his right hand to his lip and biting his nails, lost for words. Harry just stared at him; forever patient as always, bless him.

Louis finally brought both hands before him, tugging at the end of his shirt, and speaking.

“I’m sorry Harry…”

Harry’s eyes drifted down to his hands, noticing their shaking before looking up into Louis’ eyes. They were still dull…but just because something is dull doesn’t mean it doesn’t have a story. And he could see an untold horror in his eyes…

Harry stood up, revealing a pair of Snoopy boxers that Louis had gotten him, and slowly made his way to Louis, stopping before the smaller male and looking at him.

“Can I touch you?”

Louis nodded yes, and Harry gathered his shaking hands and pressed his lips to them, before speaking again.

“Can I hug you?” asked Harry.

“Yes…” whispered Louis.

Harry let go of Louis hands before bring his arms around the other boy, embracing him tightly.

“Are we alright, Lou?” asked Harry.

“The problem isn’t we…it’s me. You’re my best friend Haz, and you always will be. I’ll be alright…  
.  
.  
.

But he wasn’t.

You’d think that in two months time, a guy like him could get over something like…that.

Instead, he had horrifying nightmares that left him gasping. Sometimes he would hear his voice whisper in his ear, or feel _his_ breath on his face or _his_ hands on his body and Louis would have to close his eyes and count to ten and remember how to breathe and that he was safe.

And then there was the vomiting.

Sometimes in the morning, or any time at all…even the smell of something could have him gagging, and it was really difficult to hide that from the boys. Some days it got so bad he decided to always keep a travel sized mouthwash and tons of mints and gum with him at all times.

Then there was the exhaustion. Normally he could go the whole day running and screaming absolute nonsense and be just fine, but lately he had to force himself to the brink to keep up with rehearsals and signings and sound checks…even photo shoots were enough to tire him out and give him dire need for a nap.

And then there were the headaches. Louis would get the occasional head ache, as did all the boys, with such a busy job, but he had never gotten them so often. That and random bouts of dizziness. He attributed those to exhaustion.

God help him with this one…farting. Literally…one of the worst. In fact, Louis was worried that Niall passed something on to him why he was so weird with that lately. He managed not to embarrass himself, praise everything. He would either walk away and let them go, or just hold them until he got a moment alone, which was difficult, but there was no way he would let one rip during a live interview. It should have been an embarrassing moment, but it wasn’t, when Harry told him as soon as he woke up that he had farted in the middle of the night.

“Yea…it was pretty loud…it woke me up.” he had said.

The two stared at each other for a few moments before bursting into near hysterical laughter, which nearly ended in Harry peeing himself, which resulted with more laughter.

The two of them were almost as normal as they used to be before…things happened.

Louis didn’t sleep in Harry’s room as often, because sometimes he just couldn’t…but other than that, they were besties.

Yup.

The last thing really different…were his moods. It was well known that his nickname had changed from swag masta from Doncasta to sass masta from Doncasta. But sometimes he literally got so annoyed that he would give a telling off the likes of which the world has never seen. And then right after he would feel bad and apologize, and then he’d get mad at them for forgiving him so easily…

It was just…rough…

“Lou? Lou? Louis!?”

Louis was shocked from his thoughts as he looked into Harry’s worried eyes.

“Sorry, what?”

“We’re here? Are you okay? I called your name a couple times…”

Louis smiled before patting Harry on the cheek.

“I’m fine Hazza, just zone out is all.”

Harry nodded, taking note of his slightly pale skin and baggy eyes before nodding, helping Louis out of the car.

The two followed the rest of the boys who were standing at the entrance, looking a bit concerned.

“I’m fine.”was all Louis said before stalking past them into the building. He could hear the screams from there, and they were at least three floors down.

Louis was lying out of that fine, fine ass of his. He was not feeling good at all. He felt queasy, he had a slight head ache, and what he really wanted was to go back home and sleep all day. His stomach churned and he swallowed deeply, dread filling him.

They had a signing today.

This was not good at all…  
.  
.  
.

“Louis, you’re the carrot to my VAGINA!” screamed a random girl to his face.

Louis couldn’t help it. His eyebrow shot up, his head tilted, and his mouth was uttering the words before he could filter them.

“One, that’s incredibly rude, two, that’s incredibly unhealthy, and three, what ever gave you the thought that I would ever want to be anywhere near your genitalia?”

She was shocked to silence as he quickly signed her CD and waved her away, waiting for the next girl.

A girl with green hair, shaved half off on one side approached him next. He was always amused by the variety of fans they had.

“Hello love, thanks for coming.” he said, before looking down to sign her CD.

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” she said, smiling at him.

He caught a glimpse of a tongue piercing.

“Sorry, do you mind if I see your piercing?”

“Tongue, nipples, or other…well, never mind. What ever gave me the thought that you’d ever want to be anywhere near my genitalia?” she asked, smirking at him.

Louis couldn’t help but laugh.

Security moved in to push her along but Louis had none of it.

“She’ll leave when I’m finished speaking to her, thank you very much.”

The guard there backed away a bit…Louis had been pretty pissy lately, and no one wanted to be on the receiving end of his sass.

“Tongue.” he said.

She stuck her tongue out, and he saw that the stuff of her piercing was a small middle finger.

Yup. He loved interacting with fans. There was such a variety of them.

“Nice. What’s your twitter?” he asked, laughing, before handing her the CD. She mumbled a thanks, and wrote it down. She turned to leave, but he grabbed her wrist before she left, looking at a few fading scars.

“No need to do that love, you’re beautiful. Remember that.”

She smiled a true smile before walking off. Fans who witnessed it started screaming and gushing and cameras caught it all and he watched them tell each other what just happened, it spreading like wildfire, the screams increasing in volume, as did girls sobbing.

It was chaos, but they had control, and Louis continued to sign and force smiles, his hand cramping up, and his stomach slowly becoming more and more queasy as the day wore on.

He looked over at Harry, who was at the other end of the table, as they were hardly ever allowed to sit by each other in public anymore.

Suddenly, the smell of something revolting caught his attention, and he turned back around, only to catch another large whiff of it. Maybe it wasn’t really as bad as he made it out to be, but it had his head reeling, and he barely managed a smile before signing whatever was placed in front of him.

“NIALLER!!! We brought you NANDOS!”

Ah, that’s what that was.

Screams were a dull sound in his ear as all of him basically went to stopping everything in his stomach from coming back up.

He loved the fans, really, but sometimes they just did these…things….

He moaned softly as spit started to gather in his mouth, and a slight shiver went through him and he knew it just wasn’t going to work. Without a word to anyone, he calmly stood up and walked away from the signing area, ignoring cries for him to come back, and the questioning eyes of his boys.

He walked quickly, jumping as a large hand grabbed hold of his arm softly.

“Louis?”

It took a while for it to register that this was Paul, who continued to call his name and talk to him.

Louis opened his eyes, and looked around, seeing nobody around but them.

“Paul…’m gonna be sick...” he whispered, clutching his stomach, and placing a hand over his mouth and retching.

Paul said nothing before scooping the smaller male into his arms and all but rushing him into the nearest toilets. Louis barely made it before he was heaving into the toilet, gasping and coughing and an overall mess.

He hated himself for crying but this really sucked.

He clutched the bowl before being ill again. Everything he had ever eaten in his life was being propelled from his stomach into this dingy bathroom toilet, and it was so disgusting.

Finally finishing about ten minutes later, he flushed the toilet before sitting back against the stall wall.

“You need help getting up?”asked Paul softly.

“Give me a minute.”he said, closing his eyes and leaning his head back. He breathed deeply, before holding his hand out.

Paul took it and tugged Louis up, helping him to the sink, as he was still feeling a bit weak. Turning the water on, Louis washed out his mouth, before washing his face as well.

“You gonna go back out there?” asked Paul, that fatherly concern heavy on his face.

“Yea…I’ll be fine. Thank you Paul.”said Louis, before giving the older man a hug.

Paul returned it before escorting Louis back. On the way, Louis popped a mint into his mouth. His return garnered a bunch of screams, and four concerned looks from the boys.

“You alright lad?” asked Niall, placing a hand o his shoulder.

“Yea, I’m fine. Sorry about that.”

They signed a bit of CD’s before Niall spoke again.

“Why’d you leave?”

Louis pursed his lips before answering.

“Just needed a bit of fresh air. That’s it.”

The tone of his voice indicated that he wanted that to be the last of this conversation. Niall gave him a look before smiling at the girl in front of him, complimenting the four leaf clovers over her breasts.

While Louis signed, his thoughts were elsewhere.

Maybe it was time to visit a doctor…  
.  
.  
.

So here sat Louis at seven in the morning; a good time to be there as this was a day off and Harry would be dead asleep.

He twiddled his thumbs, before turning to that age old habit of biting his nails. It was quiet in this area, as it was more private and catered people like him. Things would be difficult to manage if girls started screaming and making a ruckus in the hospital. Louis shifted uncomfortably. His jeans fit a bit more snug than usual. Was he gaining weight? The doctor would probably weigh him anyways.

“Mr. Tomlinson? The doctor will see you now in room 435.”

Said male nodded before standing up and heading there, his Tom clad feet padding softly against the ground. Looking at the doors, he swallowed nervously as room 435 appeared in his vision. The door was open, and there sat a pretty ginger haired woman, with freckles, green eyes, and a kind smile.

“Hello Mr. Tomlinson. I’m Doctor Minnie Barnes. You spoke to me yesterday. If you could sit right here, please?”

He hopped up on the seat, looking at her nervously.

“You’re name is Minnie…like the mouse…” he mumbled.

She smiled at him, laughing a bit before speaking. “Actually, it’s Mindeesa. Interesting right?” she asked, smiling at his widened eyes. “Yes, my mother had a thing for unique. But Minnie was always my favorite cartoon character, and it worked as a nickname so I used it.”

Louis nodded, letting a small smile slip.

“Right. Well, let’s get down to business shall we?”

She asked him to remove his shirt before she performed the normal checks, such as blood pressure, hearing, reflex, etc. After that, she sat back down and grabber her files.

“You can put your shirt back on. Now, you already told me your symptoms over the phone, but I’d like for us to go over them again. Anything new since yesterday?”

“Uhm, nothing new. I’ve been having headaches, I get really tired easily…sometimes I just walk from the car to inside and I feel knackered. I…uhmm…”

“It’s alright, Mr. Tomlinson…I’m your doctor. I won’t judge or laugh. I’m here to help you. Would you feel better if I called you Louis?”

He nodded. “It makes me feel old.”

It was silent for a bit before he continued. “I…fart….a lot. It’s a bit ridiculous actually. That and I’m ill very often…that’s what worries me the most.”

She wrote something down before looking back up at him. “Have you been sexually active in the past few months?”

Louis’ eyes widened and he paled.

“I…uh…I…yes….”

“Alright. Have you eaten any weird foods lately?”

Still fumbling over the last question, it took him some time to answer. “I….yea. The other day I had pickles and ice cream, at four in the morning, I might add.”

She wrote something else down, before looking up at him.

“Alright, well, I have a pretty good idea what’s happening with you, but I’d like to make sure.”

She stood up, putting on a pair of gloves before handing him a small cup.

“Can you pee in this please? After that, you can bring it right to me, and I’ll test it.”

He nodded before getting up, taking the cup from her hands, and heading to the bathroom.

Quickly returning, as he had to pee anyways, he avoided her eyes as she took the cup and headed out of the room, him assuming his place on the patient seat.

He bit his nails again, his mind ablaze with thought of what could possibly be causing all these problems with him. What if it was some deadly disease, with no cure? What would he tell his family…the girls…his mom? What would he say to the boys? They’d be so devastated…what…what would he say to Harry? How would he tell his best friend that he was dying and there was nothing they could do about it? How-

“Louis? Alright, the results are in.”

Louis takes a deep breathe before looking at her.

“Congratulations, Mr. Tomlinson, you’re pregnant.”

Pregnancy in males wasn’t uncommon. A successful male pregnancy was the bigger issue. But how could guys have babies? Well, what had happened was, well…they effed up. It had been a new drug to help women curb annoying pregnancy symptoms like constipation, morning sickness, swollen feet, etc. It was literally called, PregSyms B-G0ne. Over five million women had taken it. The drug worked for a while. Until male babies were born with functioning wombs. Oops. Needless to say, the drug had been scrapped. But a considerable amount a males had been born with the ability to birth.

The word pregnant echoed around his head like those cliché comedy movies except this wasn’t funny. If it was meant to be, it was a cruel, cruel joke, because this baby…this baby…this baby…this was Louis’ baby, Louis’ and…oh…

Oh God oh God he was pregnant with his baby…a baby he didn’t ask for…a baby. And this…it was…that man…

Abortion.

Abortion…he’d have an…

No…no he wouldn’t.

He would have this baby…

No…he…he had too…

“Mr. Tomlinson. Mr. Tomlinson! Louis! Louis!! I need you to take calm even breaths, or I will have to sedate you, and have an emergency contact come pick you up…”

Emergency contact?

Emergen-HARRY.

No…they couldn’t find out yet he had to..he had to…

Louis closed his eyes and clenched his fists, forcing himself to relax as best as he could. It took a while, but he managed.

“Well, I’m quite sure that this isn’t what you expected…you’re two months along, just about to hit that third month. You’re in your first trimester. At this point, your baby is still too small for to be seen or heard but-

“I…can I make another appointment and talk about it…later…”

The doctor looked at him before frowning deeply.

“I don’t think you can drive in this condition. Maybe you can call-

“No one knows I’m here, and until I tell them, they never will. I can drive…I just can’t be here right now. I need to go home. Please…”

“For the safety of the baby-

“Damn it I don’t…please………”

She nodded.

“You have my cell…just ring me, and I promise I’ll answer so you know I didn’t do something dumb. I’ll make another appointment…and we’ll talk and all but I just….thank you. Bye.”

Louis walked out, grabbing his light jacket and throwing it on as he moved. He placed his beanie back on and took his shades out of his jacket pocket, placing them on his face before quickly making it back outside into his car.

The drive was silent. He read license plates, counted at stoplights, recited the colors of clothes people were wearing, just to keep his mind off of what he’d just heard. Pulling his car into his spot, he exited quickly, locking it, and was in the apartment in seconds.

Harry was sitting at the kitchen counter, drinking a cup of tea.

“Louis? Where’d you go so early, and…Louis?”

Harry placed his cup down and rushed over to the trembling older boy, holding his shoulders and trying to get his attention.

“Louis? Lou? Boo bear?”

Louis placed his hand on Harry’s chest and pushed him away slightly.

“Harry…Harry I need to be alone right now. And I need you to trust me. I won’t lock the door okay? I promise… I just need to be alone please…I…I can’t…I ne…Hazza I…”

Harry moved away from him, staring at him with those damned green eyes filling with tears and it was because of him again and he hated himself even more…

“Please don’t cry for me Hazza…you’ve done nothing wrong. Please….”

“Louis…what’s wrong with you…why are you so…you look like you’re breaking apart...”

That was all it took for Louis to give in. He dropped, and Harry barely managed to catch him as he fell to the floor, his eyes gazing straight forward, as if on pause.

“Louis? Lou!?”

Harry sat there and cradled him in his arms.

Minutes turned to hours, but they stayed in the same position on the floor, Harry singing softly under his breath, to an unresponsive Louis, rocking him softly and running his hands through his hair.

“I’ll look after you…”


	3. Chapter 3

“How long has he been like this?”

“All day. And all night.”

“Do you know why?”

“No.”  
.  
.  
.

“He’s just staring into space. It’s like his soul’s left him and this shell is all that’s left…”

“Harry…let go of him for a bit and come here.”

.  
.  
.

“Shh, Harry baby…don’t cry darling don’t cry…”  
.  
.  
.

“Eleanor…can you come over to Harry and Louis’? Something happened again. Did he tell you anything? No, don’t panic love, he’s here, he’s just…..he’s like in a state of shock or something. Maybe your voice can reach him. Harry’s been holding him all night.”

“Dani, just tell her to come and that’s it. Please.”

“Harry needs you here El. Yea, he said that. Kay. Love you too girl, get here safely. See you.”

.  
.  
.

“I don’t know why me being here makes more of a difference. Harry gets through to him better than I do.”

“That’s a weird thing to say…you’re his girlfriend.”

“It doesn’t bother me, if that’s what you’re thinking. It’s just the truth.”  
.  
.  
.

“This is a freaking repeat from last time. Shake him or something.”

“NO! You can’t do that, it might make him retreat further.”

“So you’re a damn expert now? Kick a door down and now you think you can solve his every problem?”

“Because staring at his door for eternity was better, right? While he sat a rotted in there.”

“First of all, you guys arguing isn’t going to solve anything.”

“Shut up, Danielle.”

“Wow, don’t talk to her like that.”

“I literally can’t find a fu-

“Guys please stop!”

“I need a smoke.”

“Leave then, like you always do, you emotionless dick.”

“Harry, I know you’re in a bad mood, and I know you’re worried, but if you ever catch an attitude towards me like that again I will wreck your life.”

“Wow, okay, Zayn, you need to take a step back here. Liam, come sit by me, and Harry, go in your room and take a breather because this is getting out of control.”

“There never was any control to begin with.”

“Wise words from Eleanor Calder everybody. Let’s give a round of applause.”

“You’re being mean Harry, this isn’t like you…”

“You don’t know anything about me.”

“I know enough.”

“ENOUGH! That's Enough! Yelling at each other, getting snippy, how is this going to help Louis, hm? Disrespecting girlfriends, and your band mates, how is this helping? Please, someone enlighten me. Oh…no answer? That’s because it isn’t. You’re acting like brats, and I hate it, because people who love each other don’t treat each other like this. They just don’t. So everybody shut up. I’m going to play songs on my guitar, and we’re gonna chill the hell out. Alright?”

“I’m sorry Niall…”

“Me too.”

.  
.  
.

Blurred voices at different volumes were blaring about, sometimes with blatant clarity, other times muffled like a pillow was smothering them.

People touched him; he could vaguely feel it.

Harry sang to him, for a long time. That he heard perfectly.

Someone was holding his hand…Harry…

His eyes were open but he saw nothing. Almost every part of him was focused on his thoughts.

How would the boys react to him being pregnant? He refused to tell them how it happened. He couldn’t even tell them who it was…would he have to play it off like he was some whore?

Should he get an abortion?

It would be simple…just get rid of it, right?

No…that would tear him apart…he couldn’t do that…

How would his family react? His mummy and his grandfather? They would be so disappointed in him.

Management would be horrified. How would they clean this up? One Direction’s image would be ruined. He’s a whore now…a useless whore knocked up by some guy he literally never saw.

The fans…the hate he would get. The judgment, the cruel tweets, the hate mail, the queer jokes, the hate towards his family. Everything would be multiplied one hundred fold…one thousand fold.

The voices were soft now. But they were still droning on…

Something vibrated against him, and he jumped slightly. He reached his hand blindly behind him, grabbing his cell phone from his back pocket. His eyes were still glazed over and open, unblinking. It was as if he were on autopilot.

It was silent in the room, all eyes on him.

“Hello?”

The sound of his raspy voice caused everyone in the room to flinch. This sounded nothing like him.

“I promised you I would answer. You’ll hear from me soon. No, I’m at home. I can’t…whenever I get the chance I’ll come see you, and we’ll talk about everything then. Bye.”

He clicked end call, his eyes still open and staring, but his sight trained on his thoughts, not anything around him.

He blinked a few times, trying to clear his head and focus on the outside world. His loved ones. Harry was still holding his hand.

Louis closed his eyes and breathed deeply before sitting up slowly, Harry’s hand still in his.

“Boo?”

Louis opened his eyes again, and looked at Harry for a split second before catching Danielle and Eleanor’s eyes.

Oh God.

Oh _God_.

Eleanor.

Nononono….

“Louis!?”

Harry was right in front of him now.

“Don’t go back there boo…breathe slower. Please.”

“D. El. I need to talk to you.”

He ignored the confusion and hurt in Harry’s eyes before pushing him back slightly, and standing up.

The world tilted dangerously and he almost fell but two large firm hands grabbed his waist and balanced him. Everything was spinning dangerously and Louis wrapped his arms around Harry’s neck and pressed his face in the crook of the younger boy’s neck, moaning softly.

“Tell me what you need, boo.”

What did he need, really?

Oh.

Food…he hadn’t eaten in about a day, and that couldn’t be good for….the…baby. Right…the baby…growing…inside him.

He pulled lightly at the curls on the nape of Harry’s neck, his brow furrowing at the soft sound Harry made in response.

“Can you make me something to eat, Hazza? Please.” he asked softly, his breath fanning Harry’s ear.

“Of course boo.”

“I’m going to talk to the girls now okay?” said Louis, before disentangling himself from Harry’s long, strong arms, and trudging softly, and slightly unsteadily, past Danielle and Eleanor, signaling them to follow him. He walked into his room, kicking off his TOMS that had remained on the whole time he had zoned out.

Both girls followed him, shutting the door softly behind them.

“Lock it.” he said.

Eleanor turned around and locked it, before coming to stand beside Danielle. Louis moved about his room, acknowledging them no further as he took off his beanie, throwing it on his bed. He then removed his jumper, dropping it on the floor, and kicking it under the bed so it didn’t become a hazard. His white t-shirt that was underneath clung to him, showing off the tummy that his fans adored, a tad bit more prominent that usual.

Moving toward his stereo, he plugged in his iPod, knowing all too well that the boys would most likely listen in on their conversation. He turned the volume up, just enough to shield their words from prying ears, but not enough to block themselves from hearing each other.

Louis then moved to stand in front of his full body mirror, examining himself. This mirror had become a confident, and a very good judge. He used it more to practice his facial expressions…to perfect them, which smile worked best in which situation, which face to keep when he had random flashbacks…

He watched from the mirror as Eleanor moved behind him, snaking her arms around his waist carefully, while Danielle stayed where she was. Her head rested against the back of his neck, and he leaned his head back to rest atop of hers, before closing his eyes.

“What’s going on Louis?” she asked softly, her words slightly muffled against him.

He didn’t answer, instead choosing to suck in a deep breath and sigh loudly.

Danielle moved from her spot and took a seat on his bed, scoffing at his unmade covers. She stared at his reflection in the mirror, before speaking.

“You’ve gained a bit of weight.”

His eyes opened and he stared at her through his reflection in the mirror, willing himself to find the courage.

“That’s what happens when you’re pregnant.” he said, deciding to just let it out.

Immediately, Eleanor removed herself from him and she took a few steps back. Both girls were gaping at him.

“What?” gasped Eleanor. “You wouldn’t do that…you wouldn’t…you cheated on me?”

And her eyes were welling with tears and he felt so disgusting.

“Eleanor wait, okay, okay both of you join me on this bed and let’s talk.”

They both moved towards the bed, Louis sitting against the headboard while the two of them sat pretzel style across from him.

“Eleanor, let’s not jump to conclusions. Louis, we need you to explain everything. Now.” demanded Danielle.

Louis stared at both of them before bringing his hands in front of him, playing with his fingers nervously.

“Remember when…re-remember when I was missing a few months back…and I locked myself in my room?”

They both nodded yes, eager for him to continue.

“Well…um…I…I had been with Harry…and he went to get me a drink, but, I…I…Eleanor I’m so sorry, don’t hate me, it wasn’t, I didn’t-

“Louis babe, okay, here hold my hand. Dani take his other hand. Just talk to me okay. You need to explain to me what happened, darling. Right now I’m a bit confused but I will never, ever hate you.”

Louis suddenly clenched his hands against theirs, and they both flinched and gasped but he didn’t let go.

“You have to promise me. You have to promise me that you won’t hate me. Because I…I….he raped me.”

Danielle closed her eyes and bent her head down, her shoulders shaking. Eleanor gasped, staring at him in horror.

“I…when Harry went to get me the drink…I don’t know what happened but when I woke up I was in a bed, and I was gagged and tied up and blindfolded, and this guy was touching me and he talked about how tight I was, and how I was a deep throat, and I was screaming and trying to get away and I couldn’t, and he put a knife to my throat and then he was gone. And I was in s-so much pain, and I was bleeding, and there were….stains all over me and on my face and I showered and I called a taxi and I came back. And then you all were here but it was too much so I ran…I-I-I didn’t mean to scare everybody and I know it was such an ass move but I didn’t know what to do…and I still don’t, because this is not…I have his baby inside of me and I don’t know what to do.”he finished, trailing off into a whisper.

All three of them sat in silence, before Eleanor’s shoulders hitched and she let out a gasping sob.

“Oh Louis…” she said, tears streaming, her nose a bright red.

“When did you find out you were pregnant?” asked Danielle, her face stony.

“Yesterday morning. And then I shut down.” Louis mumbled in response.

Eleanor continued to sob, one hand clutching Louis, the other curled up at her mouth, trying to quiet herself.

“Please don’t cry El…I-

“You are one of the kindest, sweetest people I’ve ever met. You have the biggest heart and you go out of your way to make people smile, and you fight so hard for your loved ones, and…and I just don’t understand how something so horrid could happen to you.” she sobbed.

Louis didn’t know what to say to that, so he just stared at her.

“I, Louis, I…I need to go.” said Eleanor, before standing up and grabbing her sweater and bag.

Louis’ heart dropped. “No El, please don’t go-

Eleanor shook her head before throwing open his door and running out into the living room where the rest of the boys were. Louis and Danielle got up and ran after her. She was zipping up her boots.

“El please don’t go El please…”

“I’m not mad at you or anything. I just can’t be here right now, I’m gonna be sick and…I’ll call you later. I promise.” she said before yanking open the door to the flat and rushing out.

Louis moved to follow her but Danielle stopped him.

“I’ll talk to her. You stay here and eat what Harry’s making for you.”

She kissed him on his cheek before throwing on her flats and running out after Eleanor.

Louis stared at the open door before shutting it softly, and turning around just in time to see Harry set down a plate of eggs on toast for him. He walked over silently, before taking a seat.

“Thank you Hazza.” he mumbled softly before digging in. He felt the eyes of all the boys on him as he ate. The attention had his hands trembling but he managed to finish rather quickly. Pushing the plate away from him, he placed his hands in fornt of him and played with his fingers nervously.

He could feel something brewing.

It didn’t take long.

Liam opened his mouth to speak first. “Louis…things have been weird with you for a while…things have happened and we need answers. Please…”

Louis kept his eyes trained on his hands before he answered. “I don’t really want to talk about it Liam…”

“We don’t have time for that crap.”

Everyone jumped and stared at Zayn, who had a fierce gaze directed at Louis, his lip slightly curled up in annoyance. “We’re worried about you mate. You look sick. You’re pale, you tremble sometimes, and we’re like brothers, we are brothers, but lately I can’t even touch your shoulder without you flinching away. So pardon the heck out of me if I want to know what’s wrong.”

Niall laid a hand on Zayn’s shoulder in an attempt to calm him down.

“Louis, we’re in a group. No, it’s more than that, like Zayn said…we’re family. We deserve an explanation. Management is getting annoyed at you too. You’re not acting right and fans are starting to talk. A few even think we’re on the verge of a breakup…we just want to know what’s wrong. We can help you…”

Louis bit his lip, bringing his trembling hands to his lap to hide them, before looking at Liam and sighing. “Liam, it’s not that…I really don’t want to talk about this, please…I won’t talk about it. It’s not-

And then suddenly Niall is screaming. “Do you know how much you’re stressing us out, mate!? How selfish you’re being? You disappeared from the club. You remember, around two months back, not a call, not a text, not a word to any of us! One moment you’re with Harry, the next you’re dancing with some girl-

“Wait, a girl. I danced with a girl after Harry at the club?”

He didn't remember dancing with a girl. Did they leave together? Were they attacked outside? Did _he_ drug him, leave her, and take him to the hotel? His eyebrows furrowed as he thought about it. 

“It doesn’t matter what happened with the dumb broad!” Niall screamed, his face a dark red that had the other boys a bit nervous. Niall never got like this… “We have a system. There are rules! We stick together. You just LEFT! And the whole night and part of the morning we texted, we called, we cried, Zayn went through two packs of fags and Harry was was hysterical and you didn’t even send one text to say if you were okay, or alive-

“Niall, you don’t know wha-

“Of course we don’t know! You didn’t give us a damn explanation. In fact, you just came back looking like death, and ran to your room. Had us piss scared for over 3 days, had to fend of management for ya, had to call El, had to beg and cry…I played songs on my guitar because we didn’t know what else to do…

Louis’ eyes welled with tears. He knew they had been worried…but he didn’t realize how bad it had been for them. He had been so focused on his own pain.

The sight of Louis in tears only fuels Niall’s anger. “Harry had to kick down your door, and you went and threw hot tea in his face, beat him up, cried like a baby, and still no explanation. We let it go mate, but we didn’t forget. Stop crying. You don’t have the right.”

At that statement, Louis felt prickles of anger starting to bubble up within him. “Niall, just stop. You-

“I’m gonna finish. You’ve been actin weird since then. You’re smiling, but you don’t look happy anymore. You’re not as loud…you’re nothing like yourself. An then at the signing the other day, you just got up and left. We’ve never done that before. The fans deserve better than that. And AGAIN, no explanation. And now, Harry calls us frantic, after you just shut down. Not a movement, not a word. We checked your pulse just to see if you were still alive. And then bam, your phone rings, you wake up, you say you want food, and then you only want to speak with El and Dani? What the hell is that!? We’ve been waiting, worried. We have every right to know what’s going on. We’re brothers! We love each other and we don’t act like this to the people we love."

Louis couldn’t find anything to say after that. He just stared down at his feet, silent.

Liam stepped toward Louis, before speaking. “Louis…please. We just want to know why you’re like this. What happened? Why did Eleanor and Dani run out of here like that? What’s the heck is going on?”

Louis started fumbling with his fingers after that, before looking at all of them.

“I love you guys so much but I…right now I just can’t tell anything…I can’t…talk about it with you yet…please…just…”

“Screw you.” mumbled Niall, before stomping out of the flat.

Zayn shook his head before following.

“When you’re ready to trust us, and open up, we’ll be waiting.”

Liam made his way out after the others.

And then there were two. Louis turned to Harry, who had been leaning on the kitchen wall.

“Do you hate me too?”

Harry blanched before moving closer, pulling Louis off the stool so there were standing and facing each other.

“I could never hate you, Boo. I just don’t understand. I’m your best friend. We’ve spent hours whispering secrets to each other…we share our food…we’ve even showered together Louis. Don’t you trust me?"

Louis grabbed Harry’s hand.

“Of course I trust you Harry-

He was cut off by the sound of Harry snorting.

“But you can’t tell me what’s tearing you apart. Instead, you can tell Danielle, and…Eleanor.”

“But Eleanor is my girlfriend Harry.”

He knows instantly that that was the wrong thing to say. Harry flinched before yanking his hand out of Louis grasp.

“Wow. When you got together with her, you swore to me that nothing would change between us. That we’d still share everything with each other.”

“Harry-

“But these past few months I’ve felt you slipping away. I’m the one that makes you breakfast, that cuddles, that never misses a phone call-

“Harry please-

“And you’re in my bed at nights, not hers.”

Louis’ jaw dropped.

“Louis, I promise that I’ll come back, but I…I need some air.”

He stormed out, leaving Louis there, standing alone.

What was going on? Why was this happening? This was all his fault. They hated him and he was to blame because he was such a freaking coward.

Louis made his way over to the couch, before sitting down.

He was a screw up. He was disgusting and every type of failure out there combined. He was a walking disaster. And now he was knocked up with no friends.

Harry said he’d come back, but would they still be friends.

Why couldn’t he just tell the boys? Why couldn’t he just tell that he was stupid enough to get drugged and raped, too weak to fight back, too pathetic to stand up for himself, that he was dumb enough to get pregnant from a stranger?

That’s all he had to say.

“Boys, guess what, I’m preggo! Lol. Look at me, I’m carrying a psycho’s baby. Better stay away, my stupidity is contagious.” he spoke aloud.

He laughed, the sound bitter enough to leave him nauseas.

“You’re ruining the best thing you’ve ever had, Tomlinson. Good job.”

The sound of the front door opening drew his attention, and he looked back to see Danielle kicking off her flats. She looked around puzzled before walking over to the couch and sitting beside him.

“Where is everybody?” she asked.

“They all got mad at me and left.”

“Did you tell them anything?”

“No…” he mumbled.

“And that’s why they left.” she stated.

“Yea.”

She hugged him before they sat down in silence. Suddenly, she jumped up, frightening him.

“Here’s what we’re gonna do. Pack some things, clothes, toiletries, whatever. Let’s book a hotel, and chill for a few days. Of course we’ll stay in London so you can make you appointments and all that. But the tension here is crazy. They have no idea what’s going on, and you have the right to explain when you’re ready. So let’s go. Up. Up up up.”

She grabbed his hand and helped pull him up, grunting a bit from his weight. They both headed to his room, where Louis began to grab the first pairs of clothes that he saw.

“Bring comfy clothes, and a few in great condition ones just in case they have you parading around for publicity or something. And…bring a swimsuit.”

The smile on her face was bright as she helped him grab things to stuff in his duffel bag.

Louis went along, the two moving quickly about the room.

“Why don’t we just go to your flat?”he asked.

“Liam has the key. We’re not telling anybody where you are…I’ll just tell them that you’re with me and that’s it. Set your phone to only take calls from family or something…better yet, just shut it off. A few more days without contact can’t do too much harm.”

“But that’s one of the things they’re mad about. The fact that I’m keeping everything in from them.”

Danielle paused, and turned to him, a pair of TOMS in her hand. “They don’t know anything Louis. And that’s your choice. In turn, they made the choice to leave. So we’re going to leave too. You’re stressed out as it is. I’m not going to have you sitting and rotting in this tension.”

Louis grabbed his still playing iPod from the speakers and slipped it into his back pocket.

She had a bit of a point. But Harry…

“Dani, Harry said he would come back. I don’t want him to come back to an empty home. I know Harry enough that even though he’s mad, he wouldn’t want me to run from him.”

She closed a draw a little harder than she meant too. “Let’s get this straight. You are not running from them. Not at all. You’re taking a break. What happens if you stay here Louis? It’ll be all quick guilt filled glances, mumbled hellos and goodbyes, awkward conversations, tip toeing around the flat. Do you want that? Or do you want to come with me, and figure out what you’re going to do without a bunch of grumpy teenaged angsty gazes bearing down on your back?”

Louis stared before nodding, putting the last of his things to bring in the bag and zipping up.

“Good.” said Danielle. “We’ll stop by my flat and I’ll grab some things. On the way there, you can call a hotel and book us a nice suite. They won’t say no to you, Tommo.”

He flinched, violently. Danielle noticed the reaction and frowned, concerned.

“Um, please don’t call me that…he…”

She understood.

“Okay. Sorry sweetheart.”

She grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled a quick note, leaving it on the dresser.

“Let’s go.” she said, grabbing his hand.

They both threw on some shoes before leaving, Louis forcing himself not to look back at the place that should have been where he turned to, not from.  
.  
.  
.  
About an hour later, Harry finally made his way back into the flat. He was tired, he was hurting, but he loved Louis more than the little bit of hurt he felt, so he’d just come back home and cuddle with him and apologize and tell him to talk when he’s ready.

Except…the flat was dark.

He frowned before calling out Louis’ name. “Louis? Boo, are you here?”

No answer. He quickly made his way to Louis’ room, opening the door and flicking the light on.

Immediately he noticed things were missing. Grabbing his phone, he dialed Louis’ number.

‘Top o’ the morning peasants, you’ve reached your King. Sadly, he’s busy at the moment, as ruling your meager lives takes much time out of his day. If I, your majesty, finds you to be important enough, rest assured I’ll return your call. Till then.’

“Hi, Boo? It’s Harry. Where are you? I was wrong okay. I was a jerk…I shouldn’t have left you like that because you’re worth more than a petty argument. Come home please? I love you…”

He hung up before looking around the room. His eyes caught sight of the note and he picked it up.

‘ _Hey dick. Louis’ with me. Not telling you where, he needs a break from the people who are supposed to be his friends. Imagine that. It’s only a temporary one; don’t worry. He’ll still be at signings and meetings and whatever the heck you guys do, and yes, he still loves you. Calling him is a waste of time; I shut off his phone. He’s safe with me. With love, Dani._ ’

Harry felt a bit of the weight lift from his chest. At least Louis was safe.

It didn’t really stop the guilt he felt from being the partial cause to him leaving, but Danielle said Louis still loved him.

And at least he wasn’t with Eleanor.

So instead of moping, he’d take this time to get himself together, so that when Louis returned, things wouldn’t be uncomfortable.

Louis would return home, and Harry would be waiting with open arms, and his love.

They’d get past whatever this was.

Harry loved Louis too much to let him slip away.


	4. Chapter 4

 

“Dani…there’s only one bed.”

The two of them stared at the executive suite before them, lavishly furnished in bright beautiful colors. All had seemed well until they walked further in and noticed there was only one bedroom.

“I can take the couch.” offered Danielle.

“You’re the female. And you had the idea. I’ll take the couch.” replied Louis.

Danielle scoffed. “Right, and I’ll sleep well knowing that I let my pregnant friend take the couch. Please. We’ll share it.”

“Um, I know we’re good friends and all, and-

“Have you ever thought of me in a sexual way?”asked Danielle.

Louis laughed and placed his bag on the ground. “Do you want the truth?”

Danielle rolled her eyes before bringing her bag into the room and throwing it in a corner.

“The bed is big enough for both of us anyway.” she said, before jumping onto it.

Louis joined her, sighing softly as his back hit the sheets.

“What do you want to do?” he mumbled.

Danielle sat up and turned to him. “That’s up to you, Louis. This is for you.”

He smiled softly. “Let’s go to the spa.”  
.  
.  
.

“Harry mate, wake up. Harry.”

Harry moaned softly before stirring from beneath Louis’ covers.

“What?”he mumbled.

Zayn sat on the edge of the bed and ruffled Harry’s hair softly.

“Where is he?”

Harry bit his lip before answering. “Is that what we call him now?”

Zayn rolled his eyes. “Is not even that serious, Harry.”

“But it is. We all treated him like crap and now he’s gone.”

“Gone? And he treated us like crap first.”

“Doesn’t make it right that we did it to him.” defended Harry.

Harry turned around in the bed, frustrated. “If you came to bug me about this crap then you can get the hell out.”

“Damnit Harry I just want to talk!”

Harry sighed before sitting up to stare at Zayn.

“I just want to know how you’re doing. Niall is really pissed and upset and Liam is staying with him because an angry and sad Niall sucks, and I didn’t want to stay there in all that, and I know you and Louis are like soul mates and you must be hurting more…”

Zayn took a deep breath after that mouthful before staring at Harry, who sat quietly.

The room was silent aside from the sounds of their soft breathing. Finally, Harry spoke.

“Louis left.” he mumbled.

Zayn’s mouth opened and closed, and opened again. “Wait what?”

“He left. Danielle wrote a letter. It’s over there next to his iPod dock.”

Zayn moved off the bed and grabbed the sheet of paper, scanning its contents quickly.

“But it doesn’t say where he went. Did he call you?”

“His phone’s off.”

Zayn laughed bitterly before saying, “So he’s basically doing the same thing that got him in trouble with us before, right? Unbelievable.”

Harry slammed his fist down on the bed.

“No, you idiot. Did you read the note right? He left to get away from us because we ganged up on him and made him feel freaking unwanted.”

Zayn stared at Harry before rereading the note. After he finished, he sighed before gently placing it back where it was.

“See?” whispered Harry.

Zayn sat silently for a while, before speaking.

“All he needs to do is talk to us.” he said.

“We have a right to keep some secrets, Zayn.”

“Oh, yea, that’s right. Especially the ones that have us continually breaking down and looking dead inside.” Zayn scoffed, moving back to the bed.

“You’re not being fair, Zayn.”

“He’s not being fair.”

“It’s his choice!”

Zayn laughed before yelling, “Exactly! And we made ours!”

“I refuse to gang up on him!”

“You already did, mate!”

That stopped Harry for a bit, and the two stared at each other angrily, before Harry piped down and moved off the bed. “Yea, you’re right. And that was a horrible mistake. But mistakes can often be fixed, and the moment Louis comes back, he’ll walk into that door and my arms will be open and waiting.”

Zayn sighed angrily.

“Doesn’t it bother you?” he asked, tugging softly at his quiff.

“Zayn, please, let’s leave it alone, alright?”

The Bradford boy clenched his fist before stomping out, slamming Louis’ door behind him, and the door to the flat after.

Harry ran his hand through his curls in frustration.

This was a mess.  
.  
.  
.

“Louis sweetheart, get up.”

“What?” he mumbled.

“You have an interview in a few hours. We need to get you there.”

His long drawn out moan was muffled by the pillows he was so comfortably nestled in.

“Can I call in?”

Danielle laughed. “You know it doesn’t work like that. A car will be at the back entrance of the hotel in an hour.”

Louis sighed before sitting up, yawning and stretching loudly.

“Ew, morning breath. In that bathroom you go.”

He stuck his tongue out before grabbing his bag and heading into the bathroom. He used the toilet before turning on the water and letting it run for a bit. While the water ran he brushed his teeth and stared at himself in the mirror. Hopefully the shower would help with the bags under his eyes. Spitting into the sink, he washed it out before stripping and stepping into the hot water, sighing appreciatively.

He lathered his body, humming softly as he did so. Closing his eyes, he allowed his mind to drift. He thought about Harry.

How was he taking his absence?  
Was he still mad at him?  
Was he even angrier not that he’d left for a bit?

He opened his eyes and looked down at the drain. The water running down his body was red. He gasped and flinched, almost falling, and closed his eyes. When he opened them, the water was clear again.

Staying in the shower was no longer tempting and he jumped out, shutting off the water before turning to heave into the toilet. He clutched the toilet seat and moaned softly, before standing up and leaning against the wall. Weakly flushing the toilet, he moved over to the sink again. The lingering taste of bile was making him more nauseas so he brushed his teeth.

Again.

There was a knock against the door.

“I ordered breakfast. It’s on the table. Hurry love, you only have about twenty minutes before the car gets here.”

He mumbled in reply, more focused on how ghastly he looked in the mirror.

“Lou’s gonna love me today.” he mumbled sarcastically before properly toweling off and throwing on some clothes.

Louis opened the door and the smell of breakfast literally dragged him into the kitchen area because he was freaking starving. Danielle was already eating. She smiled at him, but it quickly turned into a concerned frown.

“Where you sick?” she asked, before eating another forkful.

He nodded, taking a seat and lifting the plate cover. Eggs on toast and a hot cup of tea. Taking a bite, Louis couldn’t help but frown. It tasted nothing like Harry’s.

“Are you nervous?” Danielle asked, pushing her now empty plate away from her.

Louis swallowed and nodded. It would be the first time in five days that he saw the boys since he left the flat.

It hurt that they probably knew by now that he was with Danielle, and she didn’t receive one phone call about him or his whereabouts.

“You’ll be alright.”

Louis placed his unfinished breakfast down and swallowed thickly.

“Has Liam asked where you were?”

“Yea, but I didn’t say. Harry sent me a text while you’re in the shower.”

Louis picked up the tea and took a sip as he looked up at her.

“What’d it say?”

“Here, I’ll read it. ‘Tell Boo that I said for Dani to Look After You.’”

Louis thought about the text before smiling.

“He doesn’t hate you Louis. Remember that. Now get your stuff. I’ll walk you down.”

The younger boy nodded, grabbing his backpack and following her out. She shut the door and the two walked in silence, taking a much more secluded elevator down to the basement garage, where a black car was waiting. Danielle turned toward him.

“You stay strong, alright? Get through this interview, fight through the tension and anger and awkward, and if anything, just get away and call me and I’ll pick up. While you’re gone, I’ll call Eleanor…I’ll talk to her and tell her why you’re not taking calls and the like. See you.”

She held out her fist and they bumped them before he sat in the car. The door was shut behind him and he watched her shrink as they drove further and further away.

Finally, he turned around in his seat and put the seatbelt on, plugging in his phone and blasting music to help him think about anything but the upcoming hours that would be filled with everything he dreaded.

Closing his eyes, he sighed and allowed himself to drift off.

“Mr. Tomlinson…Mr. Tomlinson, we’re here.”

Louis frowned and opened his eyes, catching the eyes of his driver in front of him.

“I have to apologize. Traffic was heavy on our way here, so you’re about an hour late.”

That long? He just closed his eyes…

“Mr. Tomlinson?”

“Oh, sorry. Um, can you stay nearby please? I’ll pay you extra. Here’s for taking me.”

He handed the man some cash.

“I’ll stay Mr. Tomlinson.”

“Thank you so much.” said Louis, before getting out. He walked into the back entrance of the building where Paul immediately grabbed him.

“Everybody’s pissed.”

“Hello to you too Paul. Traffic.”

Paul looked at him.

“Look, I don’t know what’s going on, but you need to work it out. It’s not as fun when you’re not getting along.”

Louis sighed as they walked along the hallway.

“I know, and I’m sorry. It’s my fault. We’ll work through it.”

They were interrupted by Lou who glared at Louis before tugging him into her area to fix him up.

“I could skin you.” she mumbled as she handed him a bundle of clothes.

“Put these on. Quickly.”

“Where are the boys?” he asked.

“Clothes!”

He laughed before rushing to change. He threw off his jumper, sweat pants and beanie before pulling on the skinny chinos.

They made it to mid thigh.

“Oh crap.”he mumbled.

He jumped, wiggled, and squirmed or about five minutes before they finally made it up. He stretched a bit to make them more comfortable before pulling on the shirt. Then he pulled on his shoes before walking back out.

Lou looked him up and down, frowning.

“Turn around for me?”

He complied.

She nodded before pointing to the seat so she could start on his hair and make up. She squirted some cream into her hand before lathering it into his hair. It was silent in the room.

“How many months?” she asked softly.

Louis closed his eyes, curling in on himself.

“Straighten up sweetheart. Talk to me.”

“I think I’m in my third. I’m not sure.”

“Okay.”

She styled his hair quickly before moving onto his face.

“Close your eyes for me.”

The two sat in complete silence before she spoke again.

“Are you going to keep it?”

Louis fiddled with the sleeves of his shirt for a while before answering.

“I’m not sure. I haven’t really…I just found out a few days ago.” he replied, biting his lip after.

“Alright. Well, I don’t want to rush you…but you’ll start showing pretty soon. And if this is going to be a secret, at least for a while, I’ll need to seriously update your wardrobe.”

He nodded.

“Careful.” she scolded, before finishing up.

“Alright, all done. The boys are waiting in the lounge. You’ve got a bit of time.”

Louis nodded before getting out of the chair and making his way out of the room.

“Louis.”

The Doncaster boy turned and stared at the woman as she moved to pack up her things.

“If you need anything, you call me. We might be different genders, but I’m sure I can help out. I think I did a pretty good job with Lux.”

He smiled. “Thank you.” he whispered, before leaving.

As he walked, staff shuffled about around him. Some nodded, others frowned.

“Yea, I know I’m late, thanks.” he said, glaring back at a woman who was broadcasting her distaste.

A younge woman ran up to him, looking frazzled.

“Thank goodness. The other boys are in the lounge. Follow me please, Louis.”

He nodded and walked behind her as she moved through out the building. “Did you want anything? Water, tea?” she asked.

“Um, yea, both would be nice.”

“I’ll have that for you in a bit.”

They arrived at a closed door and she opened it for him. The laughter that had been loud immediately ceased as he stepped inside. He didn’t make any eye contact as he sat down on a couch, away from the rest of the boys. Instead he slouched slightly in his seat, leaning his head back and closing his eyes.

That tea would be nice right about now.

He felt a dip in the couch beside him and he new somebody was next to him. Someone’s light touch traced his hand before moving up his arm and to his hair, carefully, then moved to around his shoulder before slowly pulling him to lean on theirs.

Harry.

Louis didn’t open his eyes, but he didn’t resist either. He relaxed, and immediately started to dose off.

Harry couldn’t help but frown at how utterly exhausted Louis looked. He stared at the dozing Doncaster lad before turning to catch the eyes of the other boys who were watching.

“So you’re not going to talk to him?” he asked, making sure to make eye contact with each one of them.

“He doesn’t really seem to care about us so we won’t care about him.” responded Liam lowly.

Harry smiled softly, because if Liam didn’t care, he wouldn’t be whispering.

They were being such kids.

A soft knock on the door attracted their attention and the same young woman who had led Louis into the room entered with a cup of tea and the water he had requested. She looked at the sleeping Louis and smiled.

“He asked me to bring him these.”

“Can you just set them on the table for me please?” asked Louis, who was now awake from that small nap.

“Oh, you’re up. Here you go.” she replied, and did as he asked.

“You have about ten minutes and I’ll lead you into the studio for the interview. You’ll be filmed as well as recorded, and there are a few fans who’ve won a contest.”she told them, and they all nodded.

“Okay, I’ll see you in a bit.”she finished, before leaving again.

Louis picked up his tea and added sugar and milk before stirring it and taking a small sip, sighing softly as it went down. He finished the small tea rather quickly, before standing up to throw it in the bin by the door. Harry watched him walk before his eyes strayed toward his bum. It seemed bigger, and his pants were ridiculously tight in a way that made Harry feel like his would be too and bit his lip before looking down at his hands, and anything else but Louis lower half.

The older boy returned to his seat before opening his water bottle, drinking a bit of it.

There was such an unusual silence in the room. Niall, Zayn, and Liam whispered amongst each other while Harry and Louis sat rigid beside each other.

Finally, Louis turned to Harry.

“You don’t have to sit here if you don’t want to.”

Harry sighed.

“I want to.” came his soft reply.

“Doesn’t it bother you? You can sit with them and not pretend to want to keep me company.”

“Did you get my text from Danielle?” Harry asked, looking Louis dead in the eyes.

Louis thought back to earlier, and couldn’t keep the soft smile from his face.

“Did she Look After You?”

“Yes.” Louis responded, still smiling.

Another knock on the door came and the girl walked in. “Sorry, never told you my name. It’s Cindy, and I’m basically your assistant today while you’re here. If you need anything just ask. Right now I’m going to take you to the studio room, if you’re ready.”

“Alright, thank you Cindy.” replied Liam and they all got up and followed her out, Louis grabbing his water bottle again to keep with him.

They entered a brightly lit room with comfortable chairs and each took a seat. They got comfortable and the mic was set up around them before the camera started filming.

“And the moment you’ve been waiting for, listeners. Today in the studio we have none other than One Direction! Say hello boys!”

“Hi, we’re One Direction.” came the unanimous response, all of them smiling.

“We’re really happy to be here.”said Liam.

“It’s your second time being here since it all began, right boys?”

And the interview went somewhat smoothly from there. The other boys made up for Louis’ overall unusual silence, and Louis made sure not to look at one of their PA’s who was glaring at him from the window.

“Alright boys, now we have some fans who’ve won a contest. Cindy, can you bring them in?”

Cindy nodded and went to get them.

“Now, these fans wrote letters to win this, and we’ll give them too you after. Some of your fans have the most amazing stories.” said the DJ.

The door opened and a small group of people walked in. Four girls and one boy. They were all blushing and smiling. The boys immediately stood up to great them. The boy immediately rushed up to Louis, and Louis mouth drops at the tears in his eyes.

“Hi mate are-

“Louis you are literally my favorite person on this planet and I love you so much and I’ve always wanted to meet you and ignore what others say about your attitude or how you sing or how you act because you are so perfect and I love you so much and I’m sorry I’m being weird and I’m crying and you don’t understand…”

And this boy was basically hyperventilating in front of him, and the others are busy with their own contest winners so he decided he had to work quickly.

“Okay, here, sit down.”

The boy hiccuped and nodded and sat on the seat, shaking.

“What’s your name love?”Louis asked, his voice a whisper.

“Brian…” answered the boy.

Louis sat next to him before taking his hand. “Tell me your story love.”

“My uncle…he…did things to me when I was a kid, and it messed me up so much… You literally saved my life, because sometimes it gets so bad and he’s still here and I haven’t told anyone, and I know they wouldn’t believe me, and it hurts, and I hate myself but your music is so beautiful and you’re so passionate and brave and it’s so inspiring so I just pushed through it and if it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be here and I love you so much Louis.”

Louis turned a horrid shade of white, and felt numb.

“Louis?” asked Brian, concerned.

“I…that’s…that’s so terrible Brian and I’m so sorry…”

“You helped me…just being who you are helped me, so please don’t apologize.”

Louis looked and saw the camera pointed at them, and he saw his PA’s in the window watching his every move, because they were whispering and not really following protocol like the other boys are, but he couldn’t find it in him to care because he never thought he’d be able to relate to a fan so closely as he does now, and he could literally feel the agony of what happened clawing it’s way through his heart and his lungs and he just couldn’t, so he grabed Brian and he hugged him as tight as he could and let the boy cry on his shoulder, if only for a little while, and he saw the PA signaling to the DJ to break it up so he whipped out his phone and told the boy to type in his twitter name so he could follow him, and then it was all over.

Except it wasn’t.

Because the fans might be gone and they might be back in their seats continuing the interview but his mind is done. It’s trashed. It’s a whirlwind, it’s out of control, it’s lost and it’s scared and he’s hurting and dizzy so he gripped onto the armrests of his chair to steady himself.

His stomach felt like poison was inside of it and his head felt like a blender and he could feel hands touching him in very very bad places and he had to get out; he was going to be sick.

But some higher power was on his side because he could vaguely hear the DJ closing the interview and the moment they all said the usual goodbyes and the camera turned off he shot out of his chair and was all but flying out of the building, just for some fresh air and just to get away.

He couldn’t breathe and there was so much air around him but none where it needed to be and he felt like he was sinking and he needed to scream or shout or maybe just cry but his whole body was dry and messed up and he hears someone yelling and then there are people everywhere and someone has pushed him down he’s sitting now he’s sitting he’s sitting yes he’s and he still couldn't breathe but arms were around him and someone was rocking him and there was that low familiar voice that belongs to Harry. It’s his morphine, his pain killer, his Harry, and slowly he could breathe again, and he could see, and he opened his eyes, and saw those beautiful calming green ones and he was okay.

He was okay and he was breathing again and he could see straight and he could hear right and he was okay.

A different kind of okay. The type of….temporary okay, but that’s alright.

Harry was holding him and he would be okay.

“Lou?” he asked, softly in his ear.

“I’m alright? I just felt sick and I needed to be outside.”

Harry held him closer.

“Louis, that was a panic attack.”

A what?

A panic attack?

What?

“Tell me what happened. What set you off?”

“I…no I’m fine-

“More secrets?” asked Niall.

Louis looked up and noticed that the other boys were standing about a foot ahead of them, and…

“Yes, Niall. More secrets. You’re a real twat.”

He shoved Harry away from him and got up, shoving through the bystanders and going back to the dressing room where Lou was, still packing stuff away.

“Hey Lo-Louis?”

He threw off the top before putting on his jumper and kicked off the shoes and shrugged out of the too tight chinos not giving a damn that she was watching him because she’s basically seen his everything anyways. Louis finished getting changed, not even looking at Lou as he basically trashed the room before he grabbed his bag and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

And then the stupid PA and lovely Paul was there, talking to him and he just-

“I literally don’t give any type of damn to what you have to say to me, and yes, I’m causing a scene, and that’s alright, it’s your stupid job to fix it anyways. I’m leaving.”

Paul frowned and went to touch his arm but Louis yanked back.

“Don’t touch me Paul, please. I’m sorry I’m being so rude to you but we have the day off and I really just need to go okay?”

He walked away not giving them a chance to say anything else, past the boys who were making their way back in, and past Harry, well almost.

“I love you, Louis. Remember that, okay?”

Louis was so angry, but…Harry. Something about Harry…something about him…

He turned and hugged Harry, and he purposefully chose not to make eye contact as he let him go and walked out, because it would just be harder to leave him.

As he got outside he spotted the car from earlier and sighed in relief. The man stepped out to open the door for him and he got inside, so happy to be leaving. But then he looked outside, and saw Harry watching him.

And just like that, leaving wasn’t as fun.

The whole ride back to the hotel, the look on Harry’s face was stuck in his mind.

His life…what was going on?

Harry should never look like that…he wanted to kiss that frown away.

Wait…

What?  
.  
.  
.

When Louis arrived back at the hotel, he thanked the man profusely before leaving a generous payment. He exited the car quickly, making his way back to their room. Wasting no time, he speed walked to avoid anyone and made it to the room rather quickly, key card in hand. He opened the door and slammed it before making a beeline to the bed. There was a note on Danielle’s side.

‘ _They sprang a mandatory rehearsal for us so I went. I might be late, sorry. Ice cream is in the freezer. My phone is still on. I called your doctor and scheduled an appointment, so if you can, sleep early._  
 _-Love Dani_ ’

He placed the note back down and thought about eating, but he was so tired. Kicking off his TOMS, he flopped down and got under the covers. Just a few hours.  
.  
.  
.

“Shh, it’s just me Louis. Go back to sleep darling.”  
.  
.  
.

“Wake up love, you have an appointment at the doctors. You can sleep more in the car. Eat something though, please.”  
.  
.  
.

“We’ll take my car, Louis.”  
.  
.  
.

The dark car pulled into the parking lot slowly, before it was shut off. Both occupants sat silent inside.

Danielle still had her hands on the steering wheel as she looked over at Louis, biting her lip. He was trembling, curled up in the passengers seat, leaning against the window.

“Louis…” she whispered.

“I’m not going in there Dani…I’m not.”

“Yes you are darling.”

“I can’t…” he whimpered.

“Yes you can.”

He shook his head before curling up even tighter than before.

“Louis, you need these doctor’s appointments. I know this is only the second one, but there is a little somebody inside you who deserves to be cared for. You need to go to this doctor.”

“I don’t even want it.”

Danielle sighed before leaning her head back against her seat.

“You’re talking based off of the conception love.”

“Hell yea I am. Forced anal penetration is definitely not a great way to get a baby.”

Danielle flinched before answering.

“I never said it was. But give the little darling a chance, hm? And you need this. You need this doctor, because you passed out on me yesterday and I’m not going to sit by and watch you destroy yourself. So you’re going. I will drag you.”

Louis turned to her, and glared. “You wouldn’t dare.”

Danielle grabbed her clutch and keys, securing them, before opening her door and slamming it. Louis watched as she stomped over to his side, and he locked it before she yanked the door.

“Open it, Louis!”

“No!” he shouted back.

She grabbed the key, unlocking it before hurriedly grabbing the door and pulling it open before he could lock it again, she then grabbed his wrist, tugging.

“Let me go!”

“Louis, stop it.”

He pouted before uncurling himself and walking out.

“You can do this. Now lets go.”

She locked the car before taking the lead with Louis following behind her. They walked in where it was arranged for their privacy, and into a much more secluded waiting room.

The two sat quietly before Louis turned to the dancer.

“Did you hear from Eleanor?”

She bit her lip.

“Yea, she’s alright.”

“Why won’t she talk to me then?” he asked bitterly.

“Louis….she’s trying to work something out with herself. She’s…I know it happened to you, but she’s so upset about it…I don’t know how to explain it. But she hasn’t abandoned you.”

Louis laughed a very cold laugh that had Danielle frowning in concern.

“Mr. Tomlinson? Dr. Minnie will see you now.”

Suddenly he looked terrified again.

“Come with me, please?” he asked her, trembling.

“Of course.”

The two walked, following the nurse as she led him to a room where Dr. Minnie sat waiting, a kind smile on her face.

“And how are you doing today Louis?”

Louis took a seat and breathed in and out a bit to help himself calm down.

“I…I vomit most of what I eat…and I’m really tired all the time and I pee like every half hour.”

The ginger haired woman wrote some things down before standing up.

“Alright, I’m going to take a few things, like weight and such. After that, I’ll try to work out a diet plan for you.”

Louis stared at her, looked at Danielle, and then back at her.

“What if I wanted an abortion?”he asked.

 “Then we could set that up quite easily.” replied Minnie.

Louis stared down at his lap He hadn’t expected the answer to be so blatant…so…final.

“Is that what you want?” she asked.

“I…um, I…I don’t know…”

Dr. Minnie stared at him for a bit, before clapping her hands together.

“Let’s get you to the ultrasound room. I don’t want you to think that I’m trying to persuade you to take a specific course of action…but, would you like to see your baby?”

His.

His baby.

This was his baby.

His baby, inside of him.

“Mr. Tomlinson?”

“Louis?”

“Yea…yea let’s do that please.”

“Okay. Just a moment.”

She walked out of the room and returned with the nurse from earlier.

“She’s going to take you to the ultrasound room.”

Louis nodded and followed her out.

The doctor made a motion for Danielle to stay with her.

“I’ll be right behind you, Louis.”she called out, before turning to the older woman.

“What are the circumstances of his pregnancy, Miss. Peazer?”

Danielle was taken aback.

“Um, well, how do you know who I-

“I might have long hours, but I don’t live under a rock Miss. Peazer.”

Danielle nodded before sighing.

“It’s…really complicated Doctor. Really really complicated.”

“Well…he needs someone to stick by him. More than one preferably. This is not going to be easy, if he keeps this child. Will you help him?”

“Of course I will.” replied Danielle.

“Good. From what I’ve seen in the news and such, he is a sweet, kind, strong willed young man. Don’t let him lose these qualities. Now let’s get to the ultrasound room.”

They walked down the hallway before turning into a room where Louis was lying down with his shirt hiked up to his chest.

Danielle stood beside him while Doctor Minnie pulled on a fresh pair of gloves, and went to Louis’ other side.

“Now, I’m sure you’ve seen enough movies to know that this will be cold. Can you hold his hand please? He’s shaking.”

Danielle complied.

The doctor squirted the clear liquid before spreading it around his stomach, pausing when he flinched before continuing. Okay, now look at that screen. She grabbed the tool and placed it on his stomach.

It took a while, but finally they could see a little shape.

“It’s a bit difficult to see, but, there’s the head see, and do you want to know the sex?”

“Um…no…”

“Alright. Well…heartbeat sounds good, the baby sounds healthy…”

Louis stared at the screen, gazing at the small little thing that was growing inside him and he just…he’d never felt more conflicted in his life.

“Would you like a print out?”

“Yes.” answered Danielle.

“Alright, well, you clean up, and I’ll this ready for you back in the other room.”

While Louis wiped up, he focused on calm breathing. Then they walked back to his original room.

“I’m going to keep it.”

He wouldn’t let _him_ win.

“Are you positive?”

“Yes.”

They looked each other in the eyes, before she grabbed the printout.

“You take this, and let’s discuss diet and supplements.  
.  
.  
.

The two sat bundled up in the dark, staring at the ceiling.

“Do you think I made the right choice?”he asked suddenly.

“This is all up to you love. I have no say. I’ll just support you.”

“How will I take care of a baby? I’m so messed up.”

Danielle turned to face him in the bed.

“I’ve seen you with children Louis. You’re wonderful with them.”

“This is different and you know it. I’m a mess of a man Danielle, and I’m trying to be alright and it’s not working.”

“Talk to me, Louis. Let some of this out.”

He sat silent, lifting the covers over his mouth, as if to protect himself from his words.

“I miss him.” he finally mumbled.

“Him?” asked Danielle.

“Harry. I miss Harry. I miss his good morning texts, and his how are you texts, and his I love you texts, and his little hugs and random touches, and his silent are you okay looks, and…”he trailed off.

Danielle stared at him with a look in her eyes that he couldn’t decipher.

“And I…I thought about kissing him today, and that’s never happened before. And…Eleanor won’t talk to me and I still haven’t told my Mum any of this and she’s going to be so hurt and the boys are so disgusted with me and I went to a club to have fun and somehow I ended up like this and it’s not fair. It’s not fair Dani I’m only twenty and my life is already so chaotic and now I have a baby and the whole world to judge me and I’ve never felt so completely and utterly alone. My thoughts are crushing me and I’m hurting and I don’t know what to do.”

And then he was crying. Not a hysterical kind of cry. It was an exhausted cry. A defeated cry. A hollow cry. A cry that seemed to show how little of Louis was left in this current mess of a situation he was in.

Danielle didn’t know what to say, so she hugged him close until he fell asleep.  
.  
.  
.

“What the hell is this!?”

Both occupants on the bed were shocked out of their sleep. Louis shot up to be dragged out of the bed.

“Oh my God Liam stop!” Danielle screamed, scrambling out of the bed to get to Louis’ aid.

Liam was seething. He had walked into the room only to see Louis sleeping on his girlfriend’s chest, and her arms wrapped around him.

“Jesus Liam how did you-

“A fan saw you the other day. She was tweeting about it. The lady at the front desk gave me a key because she knows that we’re freaking together. I knew Louis was with you, but not like this…not…not in the same bed.”

And then he turned to Louis who was now standing, looking absolutely terrified.

“You stayed a whole week in the same bed as my girlfriend!? A whole week!?”

“Calm down Liam; it’s not like that!” pleaded Danielle.

“Then explain it! Now! The whole story!” he shouted.

“I can’t give you the whole story. All we did was talk, eat, we went to a spa-“

“Why didn’t he go with Eleanor? In fact, Dani, I want to hear from Louis. Speak up Louis!”

Louis flinched, shrinking back.

“We didn’t do anything…I promise.”

Liam shoved Louis into the wall behind him.

“Liam, stop! Please!” screamed Danielle.

Liam moved closer into Louis’ face.

“How am I supposed to believe you with all these secrets?”

“Liam, you have to trust me more than this!” said Danielle, pissed off.

“I…I trust you Dani, but what am I supposed to think?”

And suddenly they were both screaming at each other, and Louis watched in horror Danielle turned a dark shade of red he didn’t think was capable as she got even more angry.

He didn’t intend for this to happen. No no no. They…this…no. No.

“Stop!” he yelled, catching their attention.

“I cried last night, alright, and she was just comforting me. And there as only one bed and we didn’t know but we’re friends and I’d never, Liam. I’d never, oh God, I’d never…so stop yelling at her okay she didn’t…this is my fault. I’ll leave. We’ll leave today. I’ll…”

And the shining happy face of his mother appeared in his mind. Her beautiful smile and her warm embrace and the sweet comfort of home. A true escape.

“I’m leaving, okay. I’ll leave right now. I’ll get away from her, okay. That’s it. I won’t touch her, I won’t…I…”

They both watched as he took steps backward, grabbing stuff on the way.

He packed all of his things quickly, and before long he had all of his things gathered in his duffle bag and backpack.

Danielle reached toward him and he all but jumped away.

“Liam…I would never…I would never touch her like that, okay, I would…I’m sorry that you think I would…I…I would never.”

“Wait, Louis, I overreacted.” said Liam, realizing that this had gone way out of hand and Louis looked like he was ready to throw himself off a bridge, and this was not okay.

“Stop Louis, wait-

Louis turned and ran. He ran and staggered and ignored them calling after him.

Taxi.

Get a taxi.

Got a taxi.

Doncaster. Take me there please. Yes, I know it’s far.

Sleep.

Awake. Few hours left.

I have cash. I have enough to pay you for this ride, just take me there. Please. I’ll pay extra.

Sleep.

Awake.

Traffic.

I would never touch her like that. I wouldn’t. She’s my friend. How could he think that? I am that horrible of a person?

Sleep.

Awake.

Almost there. So close to home.

Sleep.

Awake.

There. Home. I’m home.

Thank you. Keep the change. Yes. Bye.

Walk.

So close.

Front door.

Knock. Keep knocking.

Door is open.

“Mummy.” he said, his voice coming out in a half sob that knocked the pleasantly surprised look right off of Jay’s face as she struggled to catch her darling boy who’d just collapsed in her arms.


	5. Chapter 5

The banging was loud and consistent and annoying as hell and he was really tired so shut up please?

And then his phone was ringing.

Moaning softly, Harry reached around on his bedside table before grabbing his vibrating phone and answering it with a very muffled hello.

“Harry it’s Liam open your door I messed up-give me the phone Liam-wait Dani let me talk to him-give me the DAMN PHONE LIAM-

Harry sat up, listening to them argue before ending the call and jumping out of the bed, throwing on a pair of jersey shorts and jogging to the front door. He opened it and immediately Danielle and Liam barged in.

“Is Louis here?”

“Did Louis call you or anything?”

Harry closed the door before turning to them, carefully schooling his face into one of calm instead of panic.

“What happened?”

“He’s not here is he?” asked Danielle, staring into Harry’s eyes, desperate for a good answer.

At his silence, she sat down on their couch and placed her face in her hands.

“Oh God…” she whispered.

Harry looked at Liam.

“What happened?”

Liam stared at his shoes, at the wall, at anything but Harry.

In a rare show of anger, Harry grabbed Liam’s shoulders and shook him. Hard.

“What happened, Liam!”

“I messed up Harry.”

Harry scoffed. “Tell me something I don’t know.”

“I found out where they were, because a fan spotted Danielle, and I got the key at the front desk because the whole world knows she’s my girlfriend, and I was a little puzzled when I saw they were staying in the same room, but then I walked in and they were wrapped around each other in the bed and I flipped out.”

Harry glanced at Danielle who hadn’t moved from her spot before turning back to Liam.

“I basically accused them of…cheating and-

“Louis would never.” Harry interrupted.

“I know that. I know that Harry, trust me, I do but…I was so angry and Louis…I’ve never seen him look so wrecked…like he’s looked bad lately but…I think me yelling at him over this kind of pushed him over the edge…he…he packed up his stuff and he ran out. He hasn’t answered any of our calls, and I thought I should talk to you first…”

Harry released Liam and stepped back.

Liam continued on. “He’s not with any of the other boys-

“Of course he isn’t. Why would he go to you guys? I mean, we’ve been treating him just great haven’t we!?”

Liam flinched at Harry’s raise in tone.

“I mean how could you say that, Liam!? How could you even think that?!”

“I don’t know…”

“How long ago was this?”

Liam bit his lip, before answering.

“Around…five or six hours ago…”

Harry cursed before heading back to his room and retrieving his phone. He checked for any messages and saw none.

Walking back out, he saw Liam sitting next to Danielle, trying to comfort her.

“What took you so long to come here?”

“We…well we kind of had a massive row and we thought that he would be here as a last resort but he’s not…”

“He’s at his mum’s.”

They both looked up at Harry.

“How do you-

“Because I know Louis, and when all goes to hell he’ll go right to her. You messed up, Liam, big time.”

He didn’t give Liam a chance to say anything, continuing on. “I’m heading to Doncaster.”

Liam frowned. “But Harry-

“No, you asshole. If anything, you should be going, but I’ll spare Louis from that crap. I’m going and that’s that. Instead, you can deal with management and all that shite. Now get out.”

He turned around and stomped to his room. Soft footsteps sounded behind him and he whirled around to yell only to stop at the sight of Danielle. Harry stepped back and sighed, looking away.

Danielle was just one of those people you hated to see cry.

“It happened so fast. One moment we were asleep and the next Liam was screaming and then Louis was running.”

Harry turned around and started to grab things, throwing them into a suitcase.

“I should have stood up more for him-

“Danielle, you’re one of the only ones whose stayed with Louis when we all left. So whatever happened, I can’t judge you because you’ve done more than me.”

The room was silent once more as Harry continued to throw things together. Before long, he was done, and he threw on a pair of jeans and a simple white shirt with a hoodie. Grabbing a headband, he slid it on and his beanie came after.

Danielle went to stand in front of him, and grabbed his hands.

“Harry…bring him back and if you can, whole. Or as close as he can get to it right now. And be patient with him, please. You have no idea what he’s going through…so please Harry. If you’re going, you can’t flake out or throw a fit or get tired of him or anything. Because he needs you. It might not seem like it right now, but he loves you so much and he cares and you’re almost all he talked about, and you help him….he needs you.”

“I will. I promise.” Harry answered without hesitation.

Danielle let him go and he ran out.

She watched him go before taking out her phone, dialing a well-memorized number.

“Hello? Danielle?”

“Eleanor, we need to talk.”  
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“Mummy, how long is Louis gonna be sleeping for? Is he alright?”

Jay looked down at the twins, who were still in tears with concern.

All of them had been horrified when Louis literally passed out as soon as the door opened. Jay had struggled to catch him and had to brace herself against the wall with all of her strength not to collapse under his weight.

She had then yelled for Lottie and Fizzy to help her. All the girls had rushed down the stairs at the panic in their mother’s voice. Together, they had managed to get him onto their favorite couch.

Jay had then removed his shoes and retrieved a blanket and pillow, checked his temperature, and monitored him.

Jay shook herself out of her reverie and stared at her youngest daughters, beckoning them into her arms.

“Let’s give him a few more hours, alright?”

Lottie made her way into the room.

“His phone is off, and nobody’s called. I don’t think he’s alright.” she mumbled.

“Why don’t you girls head in the kitchen, you can each have three cookies.”

They both smiled and went off, sufficiently distracted.

“Where’s Fizzy?”

“In her room. She’s too nervous to look at him like this.”replied Lottie, taking a seat on the floor beside the couch.

“Well…we’ll just wait for him to wake up, and we’ll get answers. I’ll find out who hurt my boo.”

.  
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Harry sighed as he stood at the gas station, filling up. He had about another hour and a half to go.

He could make this right.

Thinking about what Danielle had told him, he leaned against the car and put his head in his free hand.

Something was seriously wrong with his best friend.

Think, Harry…think.

This all started around two or three months ago. After the club incident.

What happened at that club?

Where did Louis go?

Was he possibly in danger?

Harry looked up, sighing as he removed the pump and closed his gas tank. Finishing up, he walked into the convenient store to grab something to munch on. An older lady was at the counter, reading a magazine. He grabbed a Twix and a bottle of water. Placing his items on the counter, he grabbed his wallet, pulling out some cash to pay.

The lady rang him up, and he handed over the money.

Grabbing his snack, he nodded to her in thanks and turning to go.

“Young man If I could have an autograph for my granddaughter?”

Harry turned around to see a pen and paper already provided.

“Sure…” he mumbled before adding, “What’s her name?”

“Jenny.”

Harry signed it quickly, then turned to make his way out again.

“If they love you, they’ll forgive you.”

He stopped and looked at her, but she was already back to reading her magazine.

“Thank you…” he said, smiling as he made his way out.

He could do this.  
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Everything was so familiar. The soft and sinky feeling of the couch he was lying on, and that itch of the forever old wool blanket he was wrapped in. The sound of the twins giggling from the kitchen. The tapping of Lottie’s fingers from where she sat on her phone. The humming of his mother with the twins… Where was Fizzy?

He stirred gently, finally opening his eyes. It wasn’t as light as before. How long had he been asleep? He turned slightly, his eyes catching Lottie as she typed away on her phone. She was getting so big, and he was missing so much of it.

“Daisy love, pass the salt by the table please?”

Louis looked toward the kitchen, wondering what they were making. He moved to sit up further, when his entire stomach lurched dangerously. The bile was already half up his throat before he could think straight and he shot up off the couch, sprinting to the nearest bathroom. He heard Lottie startled shriek behind him as he pushed open the door and gagged, just making it to the toilet.

“Okay girls, stay out there with Lottie, Lottie calm them down for me?”

The sound of the door closing didn’t really register as Louis sat coughing and spitting, trying to breathe and puke at the same time, which wasn’t really working.

“Don’t panic Louis, just let it out, you’ll be fine…”

“Mum-

He knelt over the bowl again, emptying whatever was left. Finally feeling like he was finished, he sat back against the wall. A small cup was placed in his hands and he looked down, before sipping it.

Mouthwash.

God bless his Mum.

He swished it around for about a minute before spitting it in the toilet and flushing.

Louis then crawled into his mother’s waiting arms, hugging her tight and relaxing. He focused on calm breathing as he leaned into her and she hugged him back just a tightly. They sat in silence before separating.

“Louis…I need you to tell me what’s going on.”

Louis sat, staring down at his hands. Out of all the people he knew, his mother deserved to know most.

“I screwed up Mum…” he whispered.

Jay looked at her son, frowning.

“Why haven’t any of the boys called?” she asked.

“I shut off my phone. None of them are talking to me…well…Harry is but it’s really weird. I...Mum you’re going to be so angry…”

Jay was starting to recognize signs and she closed her eyes, taking a deep breath and opening them again. “Louis…I need you to tell me everything.”

He nodded, shaking as he stood up to get something from his bag. He saw it in the living room next to the couch. All of his sisters were sitting there, and got quiet when they saw him.

“Hi guys…” he whispered.

They didn’t answer until he smiled, and then they all jumped up to hug him.

“I’ll talk to you guys really soon, okay, I just have to talk to Mummy first in private.”

Lottie took that as her queue. “C’mon guys, let’s pop in a movie upstairs. Phoebe it’s you’re turn to pick.”

She gave Louis a look that said, ‘we’ll talk later’ before ushering everyone upstairs. Fizzy glanced at Louis before they disappeared. Louis then went into his bag and grabbed the picture of his sonogram with trembling hands. He looked it over, and then slowly made his way back into the bathroom. His mum was now sitting on the toilet, and there was a stool across from it. She mentioned for him to sit there, and he complied.

The her eyes drifted to the paper.

“What is that?” she asked softly.

He took a deep breathe before handing it over. Her face was blank as she looked at it, before she stared back at him with piercing eyes.

“You got Eleanor pregnant?”

They both knew that that wasn’t it.

“Mummy I’m so sorry.” Louis whispered.

She stared at the picture again.

“It really isn’t Eleanor’s…is it?”

He shook his head no.

“It’s yours…” she confirmed.

Jay sighed and tugged at her hair before slamming the picture down, causing Louis to jump.

“When I got pregnant with you, I was so sick, and the stupid doctor told me that all I had to do was take this stupid pill. And now all over the world boys are getting pregnant and it’s such a mess. God I was so stupid!”

Louis watched her rant, not able to think of anything to say.

She looked up at him again. “Who is the father…Louis when did you even decide you liked boys? And…how long have you known…are you keeping it?”

The most dreaded question. Who was the father? How could he tell her that…she was already distraught.

“Um, I don’t want to talk about who the father is, but I’m keeping it and-

“No Louis. No. You are not shouldering this all on your own. Tell me who he is. We all need to sit down and talk about this-

“Mummy I can’t! I can’t tell you who he is but what does it matter?! I’m knocked up and I’m male and I’m in the most popular boy band in the world and I’m keeping it! What-

“And that’s exactly the reason why I need to know who it is so we can meet up-

“I’m not telling you who he is and that’s it!” Louis finally screamed.

“Damnit Louis I’m trying to help you!”

“Don’t yell at me mummy!”

Jay stopped and stared at her son who was trembling and red eyed and she finally saw how messed up he was. She pulled him into her arms.

“Oh Louis…” she whispered, and he hugged her with his all, and they both sat down on the bathroom tile together.

“I’m tired mummy and I cry and puke all the time…”he mumbled into her chest. “And I didn’t even mean to get pregnant and all the boys are mad at me because I won’t tell them what’s going on and Eleanor hasn’t spoken to me in like two weeks. She said she didn’t hate me but she won’t talk to me. I didn’t cheat on her Mummy-

“Wait…you didn’t cheat on her? The how did you get pregnant?”

Louis pulled away from his mother and gasped, immediately realizing his mistake.

“I mean I-I didn’t mean to cheat-

“No Louis…you said you didn’t cheat on her. You’re not a cheater. I know you.”

“I mean…I don’t remember cheating on her so-

“Louis. If you don’t remember how you got pregnant then…”

Jay gasped.

“Tell me…Louis William Tomlinson you tell me right now…that this isn’t what I’m starting to think it is. Did you want to? Tell me right now.”

Louis tried to push Jay away but she grabbed onto his arms.

“Mummy no I didn’t…I wasn’t…Mummy don’t make me…I’m sorry I…”

And then the doorbell rang.

“I’ll get it!” called Lottie, running down the stairs. Louis and Jay stared at each other in silence, Louis shaking like a leaf and Jay slowly turning red with anger-

“Mummy it’s Harry!” yelled Lottie.

Louis’ jaw dropped and Jay spotted the terror in his eyes, and then she saw red.

Her son was hurt, and wouldn’t tell her who it was, and he’s never been afraid of Harry. And that could only mean one thing. Harry took advantage of her son. She released Louis and rushed from the bathroom leaving Louis sitting on the floor in shock.

Harry had just set his bags down when he heard stomping, and turned only to just barely dodge Jay’s fist.

“How dare you come into this house you swine? Get the hell out! Don’t even think of coming anywhere near my son!”

Lottie shrieked as she watched her Mum go on a tirade she’d never thought possible, against Harry of all people.

“Jay…Mrs. Tomlinson I’m sorry… I know I haven’t treated Louis the best but I just want to apologize-

“Apologize! You think a simple sorry can fix this? You think that’s all it’ll take and he’ll come running into your arms? You’re a manipulator and you’re cruel. Oh my God get out! Get out or I swear I’ll call the police and you’ll be in the press because The Sun would LOVE a story like this-

Louis jumped out of his shocked stupor, realizing that his mother had no idea what she was talking about, and she was blaming the wrong person.

“Mummy no!” he shouted, rushing out of the bathroom.

“You think you can get away with hurting him like this! You ra-

“MUMMY!!!!” Louis screamed, and all attention shot toward him.

“Mummy it wasn’t him…he doesn’t know anything…nothing at all. Please stop…it wasn’t him.”

Jay stepped away from Harry who stood backed against the wall bracing for another blow.

Harry moved toward Louis but Jay literally growled at him.

“Don’t you take another step young man.”

“Mum-

“Louis. Stop talking love and let me figure this out. Now, Mr. Styles, why do you need to apologize?”

Harry slowly put his arms down. “I’ve been a terrible friend,” he said, while looking at Louis. “I…you said you didn’t want to talk about whatever is going on and I blamed you for that instead of trying to support you and I’m sorry.”

Jay looked toward Louis.

“Did he do it Louis? Did he do what I think he did? I need you to tell me the truth? Are you afraid of him? Because I’ll kick his arse out of here in a second.”

Louis slowly sat down on the couch and placed his head in his hands.

“No Mummy. It wasn’t him. Please don’t say anything else and I’ll talk to you about it later. I promise.”

Jay stared at Louis for a bit more before nodding. “Lottie, go upstairs. Girls! Go back into the room and don’t come out until I tell you too. Everything is fine.”

The three Tomlinsons who were peaking out from around the corner nodded and followed Lottie who had all but run up the stairs to get away from whatever THAT was.

Once her daughters were out of sight, Jay moved toward Louis.

“I believe you. I’m going to make some tea.”

Louis nodded and Jay walked off into the kitchen, giving Harry a glance that promised hell if he hurt Louis. With her gone, Harry sighed and took a seat by Louis.

“Lou?” he whispered.

Louis didn’t respond.

“Liam told me what happened. I kinda cursed him out and told him to get out of our flat. And Danielle was really worried. I don’t know what happened with the other boys. And I know we only have a few days off and I came to bring you back but only when you’re ready. So if we go past deadline I told Liam that he could deal with management as punishment for being such a dick. So I’ll stay here…only if you want me too. I can find a hotel. I’ll leave if you don’t want me here Louis.”

Louis looked up at Harry with tired eyes.

“Don’t go Harry. Please.”

Harry nodded, and Louis moved over on the couch and into Harry’s arms. The two embraced each other tightly.

God Harry had missed him so much. He reveled in the feeling of Louis in his arms, placing his head on top of the smaller boy’s.

“Liam was a real asshole, Louis. Okay?”

Louis nodded.

“And I was too. For leaving.”

Louis nodded again.

“I missed you.” continued Harry, as he rubbed Louis back.

“I missed you too Harry. A lot.”

They stayed in each other’s arms until Jay walked back out with the mugs of tea. The pulled apart and each took one, thanking her.

Jay sat next to Harry and kissed his cheek.

“I’m sorry about that, love. He just hasn’t looked well and…” she trailed off at the look on Louis’ face.

“It’s fine Jay. If I thought someone hurt Louis, I’d be mad too.” replied Harry, kissing her back.

“I’m going to go check on the girls.” she said, running a hand through Louis’ hair before going upstairs.

The two boys sipped their tea in silence.

“Want to watch tv?” asked Louis.

Harry nodded and Louis got up to get the remote. Harry watched him kneel down to grab it and gripped his mug tighter, almost choking as he sipped.

God he was so beautiful.

Louis sat back next to Harry, remote in hand, and turned the tv on. He flipped through the channel, before deciding on Phineas and Ferb.

Harry snorted, turning to Louis with amused eyes. “Really Louis?”

Louis stuck his tongue out in response.

“This show is perfect Harry. Blame the twins. They kept stealing Lottie’s phone and texting me about it.”

Harry laughed and took another sip of tea, leaning back into his seat. Louis leaned over and tugged Harry’s beanie off, tossing it.

“I miss your curls.” he said, in response to the other boy’s questioning gaze.

Harry blew a kiss before setting down his mug and removing his boots and jacket, getting more comfortable.

They both chuckled, Harry rolling his eyes at some squirrels in pants song, when Louis caught sight of the time and turned to him.

“It’s seven? I thought it was earlier. I’ve slept all day but I’m exhausted. I’m going to bed. Wanna come, or are you hungry? Mum was making something earlier.”

Harry was starving actually. But…sleep with Louis? Or eat?

“I’ll come. It was a long drive anyway.”

Louis nodded and took Harry’s mug, taking them both to the sink. He emptied out what was left and placed them there before returning to the living room where Harry was standing with his bags. Louis led the way up the stairs and into his room.

“Mind if I take the bathroom first? Then I’m gonna say goodnight to the girls.”he said before grabbing some clothes and heading into his bathroom.

Harry set down his bags and began to strip, leaving his boxers on. He tossed his clothes into a corner before digging around for a toothbrush. Finding it, he headed to a bathroom outside Louis’ room.

When he got there, the door was closed and a light was on. He stood and waited before remembering that there was another bathroom downstairs. Making his way down, he hummed to himself and walked inside, shutting the door behind him. He stared into the mirror as he brushed his teeth, before looking around. A piece of paper caught his eye and he picked it up, almost choking when he realized what it was.

A sonogram.

Harry spit and washed his mouth out before looking at the paper again.

He stared at the grainy picture of the baby in shock.

Had Louis gotten Eleanor pregnant?

Oh God.

And then he noticed the name at the bottom.

Louis Tomlinson.

Wait…

He thought about everything that was going on. Louis disappearing, Louis acting weird, his moods, how exhausted he’s been, and it was staring to make sense.

Louis was pregnant.

Louis.

His Louis.

His beautiful, precious, adorable, kind Louis.

It wasn’t impossible, and if Jay had taken that drug that had caused all of this mess then Louis could in fact be pregnant.

He gingerly sat down on the toilet, still staring at the picture.

He thought about Louis, and how scared he must be, and how messed up he must feel, and how almost everyone has abandoned him.

No wonder he didn’t tell them anything. Their reaction at NOT knowing has already been crap. Finding out about this probably would have caused world war three.

And where the hell was this douche bag guy?

Were they still in contact?

And what about Eleanor…maybe she knew…wait, that time a few weeks ago when she ran out crying. Maybe he told her then.

But…that would mean Louis cheated. Louis…Louis would never cheat…would he?

No…he trusted Louis. He trusted Louis with his everything, and the last thing Louis needed right now were Harry’s accusations.

Something wasn’t adding up, though. This was…this was absolutely insane.

The thoughts and questions were whirling around his mind at a dizzying pace.

Harry placed the picture back face down on the bathroom counter and stood up.

Before he walked out, he closed his eyes and leaned against the door, steeling himself.

He wouldn’t say a word. Not a damn thing.

It was obvious that Louis wasn’t ready to talk about this, and he must be stressed enough. So Harry would keep this too himself.

He walked out and headed into the kitchen, grabbing a quick glass of water and then going back to Louis’ room.

Louis was changed and sitting in bed when Harry walked back in.

“You alright Harry?” he asked.

Harry nodded and climbed in with him. Louis turned off the light and made himself comfortable, Harry doing the same. They faced each other.

“Can I touch you? I wanna cuddle.” said Harry.

Louis nodded, before remembering that Harry couldn’t see him in the dark. “Yea.” he answered.

They positioned themselves better, and sighed contentedly.

“G’night Lou.”

“Night.”

“Love you.”

Louis smiled.

“I love you too Harry.”


	6. Chapter 6

Harry’s eyes were open as wide as they could go. God he was so tired but there was no way he could fall back asleep like this. Louis was wrapped up in his arms, and his face was pressed against the crook of Harry’s neck. Every time Louis took a breath, a small poof of hot air would brush against him and send a crippling heat shooting down his spine right to the raging boner that was pressed against Louis’ thigh.

Somehow, Harry’s legs had spread and one of Louis’ had made itself comfortable in between them, almost as far up as there was space.

Harry would be mortified if Louis woke up and saw him like this…or felt.

He had to get away and take care of this. Slowly, Harry moved his arm from beneath Louis’ head. Louis sighed in response, low and long and Harry shivered. He then began to move backwards, but Louis twitched in response, and shifted. Harry moaned softly at the feeling. He waited for a bit before continuing to move, panting as he did, because he was near getting off on Louis’ leg and it felt good but it’d be a real ass move if he let it happen.

Louis must have subconsciously noticed that he was losing contact, and reached for Harry, accidentally grazing his throbbing heat.

Harry grunted, before giving up on a stealthy retreat and all but fled to the bathroom, leaving Louis wide eyed after having been startled awake.

Luckily, Harry had mastered the art of silent masturbation as he’s roomed with the guys more often than not.

Louis sat up in confusion, before checking the time by his bedside. Only five in the morning. He yawned before settling back in, waiting for Harry to come back. Maybe he wasn’t feeling well. Louis hands drifted to his stomach, rubbing soft circles on it. At least he didn’t feel nauseas. His thoughts drifted to Eleanor. What was she doing? How was she? He really wanted to talk to her. He missed her texts, and their simple conversations. Their last Skype session had hilarious. She had let out this loud cackle and was so embarrassed about it, just like Harry. He’d clap his hands over his mouth and turn really red. And they’d giggle about it. When Harry found something really hilarious, he’d let loose, and throw his head back. His eyes would shine and his grin would nearly split his face in half and if it were anybody else they’d be creeped out but not with Harry.

He was mesmerizing when he laughed like that, and you’d want to laugh along too. And you’d feel honored to be able to experience something so beautiful.

Louis’ eyes widened and he shook his head, because those were really weird thoughts that he should definitely NOT be having about his best friend.

Harry wasn’t beautiful.

And he most certainly did not want to kiss him either.

His thoughts were interrupted by Harry’s return.

“Harry, are you alright?” Louis whispered.

Harry stilled, before rejoining Louis in the bed.

“Yea.” he replied, slightly out of breath, “I just had to go to the loo. I had a glass of water before bed.”

“Ok.” Louis replied, shifting closer to Harry, who held out his arms for Louis to relax into.

“The girls will be up and getting ready for school soon…” he mumbled.

Harry hummed in response.

“I’d like to maybe go out but if we’re seen, the house will be swarmed by the time we get back.” added Louis, sighing in frustration.

Harry rested his head atop Louis’ on the pillow.

“We’ll find plenty to do here.” he replied, staring into the darkness.

“We can order from this nice restaurant. I know the owner. He doesn’t normally cater, but he’d do it for me.”

“What kind?”

“Italian.”

“Sounds good. Does he make pizza?”asked Harry, his stomach already clenching. He hadn’t eaten a real meal in hours.

“The best around here. Pricey but it’s worth it. Kind of authentic stuff.”

“Hm…maybe we should hold off on that. Save some money.”snorted Harry.

Louis giggled.

“You know what I meant Curly. Don’t get sassy.”

“I learn from the best Lou.”

“Hush you.”

The two laughed softly.

“Harry?”

“Hm?”

“Just wait for me, okay? I’ll tell you everything, just give me some time.” Louis whispered, his tone soft but serious.

“I’ll give you all the time you need, Louis.” said Harry, holding Louis a bit tighter.

It was quiet, the two of them slowly drifting off.

“Your heart is beating so fast, Harry.” mumbled Louis.

Harry lay still before answering.

“It doesn’t know what to do when you’re around.”

“Little old me?” asked Louis, trying to sound like it didn’t matter, but it kind of did.

“Who else?”

Louis smiled against Harry’s neck, closing his eyes and falling back asleep.

Harry lay awake for a while longer, listening to Louis’ breaths even out.

“It only beats for you, Louis. Only you.” he whispered, his greatest secret floating past his lips and into nothingness.  
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Petite hands tapped the table before them nervously. The coffee before them remained un-sipped and quickly going cold. People bustled about, placing orders and talking on cell phones. Couples giggled together. Uni students typed away on laptops while hipsters took pictures of their beverages. Glancing outside, she could spot her breakfast partner from way down the street. Her wild curly brown hair fanned out and bounced when she walked, her steps graceful, practiced, and commanding. People moved out of the way as she walked by, crossing the street and finally making it into the shop. Brown eyes scanned the place before seeing her and she sat across.

“I’m gonna get a quick drink, and get you a new one, and then we’ll talk, alright?”

Eleanor nodded, unable to speak because she was so nervous. Danielle got back up and stood on line, tapping away on her phone while she waited. Eleanor sat quietly at the booth, twirling her hair before deciding to put it up. She grabbed her long brown locks and twisted them above her head in a quick messy bun, securing it with her pink hair tie from her wrist.

Before long Danielle was back, placing their drinks and her bagel in front of them. Neither of them spoke while she lathered her breakfast with cream cheese and took a few bites, along with sips of her tea. She finished half of the bagel before deciding to speak.

“So…mind telling me what the hell is going on with you?”

Eleanor was startled and stuttered before replying.

“I...well, I’ve been attending classes and all-

“Cut the BS love. You know what I mean.”

Eleanor sighed and took a long sip of her new drink. Not as much sugar as she usually liked, but it was alright.

“I honestly have no idea how to handle this.”

Danielle nodded knowingly.

“God knows it must be difficult, you know, with a raped and impregnated boyfriend. Thank God he’s alright and stable enough that he doesn’t need the support of his girlfriend or anything.” the older woman stated, taking another sip of her drink.

Eleanor frowned, clenching her fists.

“It’s not like that Danielle. I know it’s difficult for him-

“No, you really don’t. You haven’t spoken to him since he told us what happened. You have no idea. I’m still trying to fathom what he’s going through, and I was with him for most of it this so far.”

Eleanor stared at Danielle before looking down at her drink.

“I mean, you’re supposed to be his girlfriend-

“I am his girlfriend-

“Then act like it.”

“Danielle…I don’t know how I’m supposed to handle this, okay.”

“Be there for him for starters. I didn’t know what to do either. Still don’t, really. But I was there. And now that has fallen through…”

Eleanor looked up in confusion.

“Why?”

“Liam found out about us and our hotel situation. Louis had cried his poor eyes out the night before and fell asleep in my arms and it stayed that way, and Liam got a key and walked in and came to the wrong conclusion, accused us of cheating, and all. It was a right mess, and Louis ran off. He’s at his mum’s now, with Harry-

“Harry?”

“Yes. Harry.”

Eleanor glanced at her hands that were splayed flat against the table.

“Sometimes I feel like I’m sharing Louis. Like he’s in two relationships…like I’m competing.”

Danielle sighed.

“You want my honest opinion?”

Eleanor nodded.

“You are. That’s exactly right. I don’t think Louis really understands what Harry means to him, and well…I don’t know how to explain it. Don’t get me wrong; he loves you dearly. But he loves Harry as well.”

 “But I’m his girlfriend…”

“Eleanor…this is a conversation that you need to have with Louis. Not now though. Pick the right moment, because he still needs you, and he’s worried that you want nothing to do with him anymore. So even if your romantic relationship falls through because of this mess, he still values your friendship. Don’t push him away. He needs all of us now more than ever. The boys have been doing a horrible job, but Harry went to make up with Louis yesterday.”

“I know…I’ve been terrible to him. It’s just such a shock, and I know I’ve been so selfish but I’ve never…dealt with any of this before. I don’t know how to deal with someone who’s been hurt this badly.”

Danielle nodded in understanding.

“Same love, but remember that whatever you feel about this, Louis feels a hundred times worse. So we need to suck it up and be behind him every step of the way.”

Eleanor nodded, and they both drank in silence.

“Do you know if he’s keeping it…the baby?”

“You should ask him this personally, but I’ll have mercy. Yes, he is. You get the rest of the details from him though, alright?”

“Okay…do you know when he gets back?”

“When he’s ready I suppose. Not much waiting for him here, you know?” Danielle had fought to keep that accusatory tone down, but didn’t really succeed.

Eleanor looked down in shame.

“I get it. Thank you for calling me here.”

“No biggie. Now, I’ve got a lesson to head to, and then a date with Liam. He’s trying to make things up to me. I’ll truly forgive him when he forgives Louis though. God, they’re going to feel horrid when they find everything out.”

Eleanor cringed.

“I can’t even imagine how that’s going to go.”

Danielle agreed as she stood up, grabbing her stuff.

“Leave your trash here, I’ll take care of it.” said Eleanor, smiling softly.

“Thanks. I’ll text you later El.” Danielle kissed her cheek before heading out, leaving Eleanor to her thoughts.

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Louis couldn’t remember the last time he felt so warm and comfortable, or had slept so soundly. He yawned softly, before closing his eyes again and reveling in the feeling of Harry’s strong arms wrapped around him. Lying still for a moment, he opened his eyes again and stared at Harry’s neck. His eyes then drifted down to his collarbones, and then his chest.

Moving his free arm, he placed his fingers softly on Harry’s chest and traced it gently. His fingers trailed all along it, outlining his abs, before slowly drifting downwards, reaching Harry’s v-line and stopping right by his black boxers. Louis let his fingers trace the hem of the, before stopping where Harry’s happy trail would be-because sometimes Harry could be so adorable and had to groom himself. He dragged his fingers up, before moving to the left and circling one of Harry’s extra nipples.

He heard Harry’s breath hitch, and his eyes shot up and met Harry’s slightly darkened green ones.

Harry was awake, but Louis didn’t want to stop. It was such a strange feeling. He resumed his actions, moving to the other extra nipple and keeping his eyes on Harry’s.

He listened to Harry’s breathing patterns as he continued to explore. His fingers moved away from the younger boy’s nipples and back down, touching each ab and stopping at his lower stomach. He pushed against it, and couldn’t help the small breath that escaped him when Harry moaned softly. Interesting. Louis didn’t know what he was doing anymore, but he couldn’t stop. He moved lower, and Harry’s pupils grew larger. And even lower. Harry gasped softly. And even lower, by the hem of Harry’s boxers again. Harry bit his lip. Slowly, he lifted the hem of the boxers and slid his finger in, and Harry’s hand was suddenly grasping his wrist tightly.

“What are you doing?” asked Harry, his voice coming out in a strangled rasp.

“I don’t know…” answered Louis.

Their eyes bored into each other’s.

Louis wiggled his free fingers and just slightly grazed against Harry’s hairs and the sound that came out of Harry’s mouth seemed to cause the temperature in the room to skyrocket.

“S-stop…” Harry whispered.

And just like that, Louis was gone.

_Everything was blurry and moving really fast and then really slow, and one minute he could hear and the next he couldn’t, and then he couldn’t see anything at all and his arms couldn’t move. Words were coming out but nothing made sense and it was so cold. Something was touching him and then he was hot, and someone was moaning, was that him? And kind of hurt. It hurt a lot oh my God it hurt and there were screams._

_Who was screaming but make the pain stop please it HURTS._

_“God you’re so tight. I can barely move.”_

_Who was talking, what was tight, and why was he in so much pain?_

_“I wish I could see your eyes right now. They must look so beautiful when you cry.”_

_Cry? Who was crying? Maybe he was crying, because it still hurt a lot and he didn’t know why._

_It needed to stop._

_Please stop_.

_“Stop…stop it please it hurts.”_

_“I’ll stop when I’m done Tommo. God you’re so beautiful. You’re making me feel so good. You’re doing such a good job.”_

_What was he doing good? If he did better, would it stop hurting? It felt like knives and fire and he just didn’t want to feel so bad anymore._

_“Yes, Tommo, yes yes yes!”_

_But it hurts._

_It hurts!_

“LOUIS!”

Louis flinched and blinked his eyes that were suddenly blurry. Harry was sitting up now, looking at him in concern.

“I…I’m sorry.” he said, before jumping out of the bed and scrambling to the bathroom, slamming it shut and locking it behind him.

He sat down on the floor against the door and fought to remember how to breathe.

And then he threw up.

Everywhere.

Hands were on him and touching him and he threw up again, and then he was crying and Harry was banging on the door, but everything was so confusing.

What was happening?

“Louis!? Louis open the door. I need you to open the door! I can’t help you from out here.”

No. He didn’t want anyone touching him, not ever again, because nothing felt right, and his clothes were itching him so he ripped them off and crawled into the shower, nearly slipping on the vomit that was all around him. He barely managed to turn the bath faucet on, and he twisted it to activate the shower. The spray of water soaked him immediately and he curled up on the bath tub floor, hoping that maybe he’d drown instead of feel this disgusting.

The voices and touches and hurt needed to stop and it wouldn’t, so he just laid there and cried, ignoring the banging and pleading from the door, and then he heard this.

“You promised me Lou, you promised you wouldn’t lock yourself in again, Please, Louis please…” and Harry’s voice cracked.

Louis remembered the promise. He did. He tried to get up but he was so weak. Hands were pinning him down and he wasn’t strong enough to stop them and he screamed.

Harry’s eyes widened as he heard the scream and he bolted from the door and grabbed his phone, dialing Jay.

They had been fine and yea whatever that was that happened in the bed had been weird, but Louis had just been FINE and then his eyes took on a vacant look and no matter how many times Harry called, he didn’t answer. And then he did, and now this was happening. What? What was going on? Harry didn’t know much about male pregnancy, or pregnancy in general, and even though he was still trying to wrap his head around this whole thing, he was positive that whatever was going on in that bathroom wasn’t good for the baby.

She didn’t answer and he kept dialing, until the third try when she finally picked up.

“Mum! Louis is freaking out and he locked the bathroom door and the shower is on and he’s screaming! Can you hear him?”

He held the phone to the door and she made out a few sobs and screams for someone to get off of him, and she realized immediately what was happening.

“Okay, oh my God, okay…. Harry honey, you have my permission to kick down the door. Now when you get inside, do not touch him, understand? Don’t touch him. But you need to keep calling his name, and telling him who you are, where you are, and that he is safe. Can you do that? I’m on my way. MARIA! Yes, I need to rush home for a bit, please cover for me. Yes, one of my children aren’t well. Thank you so much, love. Harry, are you still there?”

“Yea I’m kicking the door.”

“Okay, and remember, don’t touch him. Put me on speaker.”

Harry did before running downstairs and grabbing his boots.

He did it once. He could do it again.

“Kick as hard as you can Harry love okay?” came Jay’s voice from the phone in his hand.

Another scream sound, raw and terrified and that gave Harry the drive, and the door finally busted open. He almost slipped from the bile on the floor, and gasped as he saw Louis curled up in the shower.

“Oh, Louis…”

Harry wasted no time in kicking off his shoes and kneeling by the tub, itching to hold and comfort Louis but he remembered what Jay said.

“I’ll call you back Jay!” he yelled before ending the call and dropping his phone, attending to Louis.

“Louis! Louis it’s me, Harry. I’m right next to you, and you’re in a tub in your house. We’re in you’re house okay? Can you hear me Louis? It’s Harry and we’re in your house and we’re safe. Nobody is touching you…shhh Louis, listen to me.”

The voice speaking to him sounded so far away. He couldn’t hear it right…but he stopped screaming and cried softly instead.

“Louis. It’s Harry. I’m right here boo. I’m right here.”

Harry. He knew a Harry. Harry was nice and sometimes he got angry but he never hurt him. And his touches were nice and warm and sweet, and Harry smelled nice, and gave really good hugs.

“Harry?” asked Louis quietly.

“Yes, Louis, it’s Harry. Can I touch you?”

Touching was bad. Really bad and he didn’t want to be touched. Touches hurt. He opened his mouth to say no but then he thought again. This was Harry, and Harry had nice touches.

“Yes…”he finally answered.

Harry reached to turn the water off, and as soon as the spray ended Louis cried harder.

“Keep the water on!”he sobbed.

Harry rushed to comply, deciding that helping Louis was more important than caring about getting wet. He climbed into the shower with him, gathering his shaking form into his arms.

“Can you open your eyes, Louis?”

“I can’t, something’s over them and I can’t see.” he whispered.

Harry frowned before an idea came to him.

“Okay, I’m gonna use some water to help get it off, okay?”

Louis nodded and Harry gathered some water in his hands and plashed some against Louis’ face, pretending to wipe whatever it was from his eyes.

“There, that should do it. Can you see now?”

Louis’ eyes blinked open, and then he seemed to snap out of his trance.

“Harry?” he asked, sitting up.

Harry just hugged him closer.

“I thought…I thought I was…” he stopped talking, because Harry didn’t know…and he just couldn’t deal with this.

“Thought you were what, Lou?” asked Harry, running his hand through Louis’ hair softly.

“I…you said to stop and I almost turned into him…”

Harry was confused.

“Turned into who? Louis I don’t-

“I shouldn’t have touched you without permission like that…”

Oh. When they were in bed…

“Louis…I…it’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”

Louis moved away and held Harry’s face in his hands.

“No, Harry. I touched you and I didn’t ask, and that’s NEVER okay, alright.”

They stared at each other, both breathing deeply.

“Louis I trust you-

“Trust can be broken-

“Louis let me finish please. I asked you to stop because I…”

“What Harry?”

Harry’s hands drifted to Louis’ waist, and suddenly the two of them didn’t know if they were shivering from the temperature of the water or something else.

“I…”

Louis leaned closer.

“What…tell me what…”

Harry licked his lips and Louis glanced down at them before looking into Harry’s eyes.

“Louis you were…touching me…and it felt…I needed more and…”

When did Harry get so attractive? Louis was so confused.

“Harry I don’t…”

He shouldn’t be so desperate for an answer. He shouldn’t be looking at Harry’s lips. He shouldn’t be thinking about these things, about kissing and touching and feeling him. He should be worried about his breakdown…but Harry…

“I couldn’t, God Louis I-

Harry reached forward and cupped Louis’ head in his hands, and pulled him towards him, stopping barely an inch from his lips.

“Harry…” whispered Louis, his breath ghosting across the taller male’s mouth.

His lips were so close, so close. Harry wanted this so badly. Just a bit further. He tilted his head slightly, leaning in.

Louis almost went cross eyed as he watched Harry lean toward his lips and he almost did too, but then he thought of that man’s lips on his, and then…Eleanor…he couldn’t…but he wanted this and he didn’t understand why. Why did he want this kiss? This was his best friend and he…

At the last second, Louis took his hands and held Harry’s head in place, stopping them. They both moved back, and Louis forced himself not to look in Harry’s eyes and instead pulled Harry close, hugging him and pressing their cheeks together.

“I can’t, Harry…I’m sorry…”

Harry was still before he hugged Louis back.

“You never have to apologize for not wanting to do something like this Louis.” responded Harry, and Louis hugged Harry tighter because that meant a lot.

“Thank you Harry. You’re so nice to me and I don’t deserve it.”

Harry laughed. “Louis I swear you’re the biggest idiot ever.”

“What? Why?”

“You keep saying thank you and apologizing and saying you don’t deserve it like I don’t love you and like I’m not your best friends or family or whatever. Stop.”

“But-

“Nope.

“Harry-

“Louis I swear I’ll tickle you if you don’t shut up.”

“Sorry.”

“What? Was that an apology?”

“Sor-

Harry pulled away from the hug and gave him a look, and for some reason, it was the most hilarious things ever. And that’s how Jay found them.

Hysterically laughing in the bathtub with the shower on.  
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“I think we’ve taken this too far guys…”

Zayn looked up from where he was texting Perrie.

“What?” he asked.

Liam sighed.

“Can you call Niall in here?”

Zayn nodded, getting off Liam’s bed and into the living room where Niall was playing Fifa.

“Niall, Li wants to talk.”

Niall looked up before pausing and dropping the controller, getting up and following Zayn back to Liam’s bedroom. They both flopped down on the bed and looked at Liam who was sitting on his desk chair backwards.

“I think we need to apologize to Louis.”

They both took in the seriousness to his tone.

“Just…let me say what I need to say okay. He…we’re his friends, his best friends, and even though we’re like family to him, he doesn’t have to tell us everything. I mean, I get why we were all upset. Whatever he’s hiding is obviously hurting him, but we’re hurting him more by abandoning him.”

Liam looked down at the phone in his hands, and stayed silent for a while before continuing.

“We…well you know that he was staying with Danielle right?”

“Yea mate, we all knew that. Was though?” asked Niall.

“Yea…I…a fan saw Danielle and I found out where they were staying and got a key. When I walked in, they were sleeping in the same bed and I flipped out.”

Zayn cursed, before getting up and opening one of Liam’s windows, lighting a cigarette.

“I accused him of cheating and I think that hurt him a lot, and he ran away.”

Niall’s eyes widened.

“What? Where is he? Is he okay? We have to find him. This is Louis we’re talking about, he can’t be by himself somewhere. Is he safe?”

Liam watched Niall panic before laughing bitterly.

“This is great!”

Both boy’s face displayed confusion.

“I mean, we’re so worried about him and it’s clear how much we love him and all we’ve done thus far was shove him away. Zayn, you chain smoke when you’re stressed and you’ve gone through like twelve packs these few weeks, and Niall, you get really distracted, you curse ten times more, and I swear I’m losing hair over this. We shouldn’t have got so angry. I mean, if we wer so worried, we should have stuck by him.”

Zayn took a long drag of his cigarette, running a hand through his hair.

“D’you know where he is? Should we go there?”

“He’s at his mum’s house. And no, we shouldn’t. Harry would kill me. Maybe us.”

Niall leaned back on Liam’s bed and groaned loudly.

“Think we can fix this?” he asked, looking at the other two boys.

Zayn spoke up.

“Yea. First we need to man up and accept we were dicks. Then we need to apologize. And stick by him this time.”

“But what about all the secrets?” asked Niall.

“We’ll deal with em as we go along I suppose. Us being against Louis didn’t get us any answers.” Zayn replied.

“I’m just barely in Dani’s good graces. I don’t want to lose her over this.”

“It shouldn’t be about her though.” mumbled Zayn.

“It isn’t. But I’d still hate to lose her.” said Liam, glaring a bit.

Zayn held his hands up in surrender.

Niall sat back up, crossing his legs pretzel style.

“Should we like, get ‘im gifts or something?”

Liam laughed.

“That might help. What though?”

“Another car. Or a house. I dunno.”

They both looked at Zayn.

“Might be a bit much man.” said Niall.

“We were real assholes though…”

Liam sat up and snapped his fingers.

“Yorkshire tea! We can never go wrong with that.”

They nodded.

“A special cake. The same place where Harry got Louis birthday cake from.”

Both of them looked at Niall.

“Perfect. It’ll need to take time though. How do we know when they’re coming back. That’s another thing, by the way. Chances are, they’ll still be gone after our break is done.” said Niall, sighing.

“Management’s gonna be pissed.”

“Screw ‘em.” said Zayn, grinding his finished smoke into the ashtray Liam kept for him.

“I can ask Harry to text me their like…schedule or whatever, so we have time.” offered Liam.

Zayn nodded.

“That should be good.” he said.

Niall smiled.

“We’ll make this up to ‘im.”  
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Jay stared at her boys who were now dry, but still shivering with blankets wrapped around them. Mugs of tea were clamped tightly in their hands and it was silent aside from their slurps.

She took a seat across from them and smiled softly as she watched them converse with their looks and nudges.

“Boys…” she said, and they both turned to her. “I need to head back to work, but I need to know if you’re alright.”

She stared pointedly at Louis.

Louis stared into his half empty mug, watching the liquid slosh around from his shaking hands.

“I think so.” he mumbled.

She frowned, and leaned across to cup his cheek in hers.

“Do you want me to take today off?” she asked softly.

“Harry will watch me. But can we talk later please?”

Harry realized this should be a more private conversation.

“I’m gonna get a jumper real quick. I’m still cold under this blanket.” he said, quickly excusing himself.

When he was gone, Jay came around and sat next to her son.

“Mummy…I thought I was okay but I don’t think I am…” he whispered.

He leaned on her shoulder.

“Tell you what, because we need to have a serious talk anyways, I’ll go to work. On my way back I’ll pick up some treats so we can munch while we talk in my room. We’ll get comfy and it’ll be just the two of us.”

Louis smiled.

“I’d like that.” he said.

“Then it’s a date.” confirmed Jay, before giving him a big kiss on his cheek.

She got up and grabbed her coat and bag.

“There’s some food in the fridge, or you can order something. Do what you want. The girls will be back around three, Lottie later if she hangs out with friends.”

Harry returned with a jumper on, nearly slipping on his blanket.

“Clutz.” mumbled Louis, hiding a smile at Harry’s glare.

“Alright. I’ll be back later. Love you.” said Jay before pulling Harry into a quick hug and kiss on the cheek and heading back out.

Harry walked her to the door and closed it behind her, before heading back to the kitchen, where his stomach growled embarrassingly loud.

Louis’ eyebrow rose, and Harry’s head ducked in a blush.

“Hungry?” he asked.

“Starving actually. I only had a Twix yesterday.”

Louis’ eyes widened.

“Really? Now that you mention it, I didn’t eat much either. I asked if you were hungry yesterday!” said Louis, getting up and walking to the fridge.

“Sleeping with you sounded better than eating, honestly.”

Louis whirled around, eyes wide and blushing.

“Pardon?”

Harry blanched. “No, I mean, like, spending time with you in bed, strictly platonic, not that you’re ugly or anything because like, I would, but like, not unless-

Louis dissolved into laughter.

“Harry, don’t hurt yourself mate. I was joking.”

He wasn’t.

“So anyways, mum made some food, or would you rather we order from that place I mentioned.”

“Italian sounds perfect right now actually.”

“Alright. I’ll make a call. What do you want?” Louis asks, going over to the kitchen counter where the house phone is.

“Um…pizza. And spaghetti. And lasagna. What types of wines do they have?”

And then Harry looks to Louis’ stomach for a quick second.

“Never mind, no wine. But if they have that fizzy water stuff I’m set, thanks.”

He sent a charming smile Louis’ way, sitting back down in his chair.

“Alright then, I guess I’ll just share with you.”

He turned and dialed the well known number.

Harry watched him, before the vibration of his phone caught his attention.

He pulled it out of his sweatpants pocket and checked, seeing it was from Liam.

\--Hey Hry. Whn do u and Louis plan on comming back?-Liam

Harry frowned.

\--Why? I told you that you had to deal with management if we were late.-Harry

Harry glanced up to see Louis chatting away happily.

\--Not abt mangment. Me an the boys just wanted 2 no.-Liam

\--So you can ambush him?-Harry

\--Omg Harry plz?-Liam

\--No-Harry

\--Pleeaassseeee??????-Liam

\--Go away Liam-Harry

\--Plz-Liam

\--Plz-Liam

\--Plz-Liam

\--Plz-Liam

\--Okay okay give me a second-Harry

\--Plz-Liam

\--Oh okay thanks-Liam

Harry rolled his eyes at the phone, waiting until Louis finished talking. Louis said a cheerful goodbye before hanging up and plopping down next to Harry.

“Food should be here in good time.” he said, leaning back on his chair.

“Alright. Listen, Louis…when do you wanna head back?”

Louis’ cheerful demeanor vanished.

“Why?”

“I just wanted to have a plan. Remember that I’m ready when you are.”

“Oh…well, maybe in a week. Yea…a week.” he said, looking up at Harry.

“Cool. I have like three weeks worth of clothes packed.”

Louis’ eyes widened.

“Harold!”

“What? I wasn’t kidding when I said whenever you were ready.”

Louis smiled before standing up.

“Let’s watch something while we wait. Movie?” he asked.

Harry got up and followed him, flopping down on the couch.

“Whatever you want to watch, I’m cool with it.”

“I think I have some old porn in my room. Let me go get it.”

Harry glared at Louis, fighting to keep the smile on his face when the older boy laughed loudly.

“Fine, fine. I’ll just look here then.”

He opened up a massive drawer filled with movies, and picked one at random, pulling out _50/50_.

“This alright?” he asked, turning to his curly haired companion, who was busy texting Liam his answer.

Harry looked up to see what he chose.

“Lovely, now put it in.” he answered.

Louis rolled his eyes, popping it in the DVD player.

“Patience, young Harold.” he said, before curling up beside Harry.

“Mmhm.” mumbled Harry.

The two focused on the movie, sneaking glances at each other.

Seconds turned to minutes as they watched the movie, and suddenly, Louis turned to Harry.

“Hazza…if I got cancer…would you shave your head for me?” he asked softly.

Harry turned to look at him, running a hand through his messy fringe.

“Without a doubt.”he answered honestly.

Louis scoffed.

“Really?” he asked. “Your precious curls?”

“There’s little I wouldn’t do for you, Lou. You’re worth more.”

Louis smiled, and decided to lighten the mood again.

“I think management would launch you through a window.”

Harry laughed.

“They’d probably dig through the trash and try to glue my hair back on.”

The two giggled, before the doorbell rang. Louis shrieked and Harry almost jumped off the couch.

“Jesus!” Harry gasped out, before Louis got up, laughing, to get the door.

Harry listened as he chatted a bit before he took their food in after paying.

“Let’s eat.” he said happily, heading to the kitchen to dish out the food.

Harry paused the movie to join him. He got some plates while Louis took the food out of the bags.

“Hazza, get me a bowl instead.”

Harry reached and grabbed a bowl as well as some utensils, carrying them to the table. He handed Louis a spoon and Louis spooned some spaghetti into his bowl, along with a slice of lasagna. Harry grabbed three slices of pizza, some spaghetti, and a slice of lasagna, ignoring the look Louis gave him that obviously said glutton. He grabbed a bottle of water before flopping down on the couch and waiting for Louis.

Louis took a quick bite, frowning as he tasted it. It was missing something. He chewed in silence for a while before it struck him.

Chocolate syrup.

He quickly walked to the cabinet, opening a new pack and squirting it all over his food, before taking a bite and moaning softly. Perfect. Grabbing a bottle of water, he joined Harry on the couch and ate like a starved man. It was a few seconds in before he noticed Harry staring at him wide eyed.

“Is that…chocolate syrup…on your pasta?”

Louis stopped mid chew, finally realizing how utterly weird this must look to the other boy, who knew nothing about his condition. He swallowed thickly.

“Yea…” he replied meekly.

Harry nodded, still looking a bit put out, before grabbing the remote and pressing play.

Louis stared down at his food, before placing it in his lap and leaving it, not as excited as he was before. He instead watched the movie, ignoring his hunger. Harry took another bite of his pizza before glancing at Louis, noticing his lack of movement. Curling up sideways on the couch, he nudged Louis gently.

“Don’t let me stop you from eating. I’m not grossed out, I was just surprised.”

Louis nodded, faking a smile.

“It’s fine Harry. I guess I wasn’t as hungry as I thought.”

Harry cursed himself for being such a idiot, because duh Harry, your best friend is pregnant, remember? He’s got cravings.

He decided to play along with the conversation by rolling his eyes.

“That’s bull. We both didn’t eat much yesterday. You’re starving.”

“I’m fine Harry, really.”

Harry watched Louis, before getting up without a word and going to the kitchen. Louis looked up in confusion.

“Harry?” he called.

Harry returned shortly with chocolate syrup all over his food, and sitting down, digging in without another thought. Louis watched, slack jawed as he ate the food that must’ve been horrid to him with a straight face. Harry looked over.

“Not watching the movie?”

Louis shook himself out of his trance.

“Oh, uh, yea.” he answered, turning to the screen. He hesitated before beginning to eat his food again, oddly comforted.

He missed the small upturn of Harry’s lips.

And when Harry was done, he went so far as to lick his plate clean, uttering a ‘not bad’ and going to place his plate in the sink.

Louis watched that while he finished and got up the get seconds, and thirds, because he was freaking hungry oh my God.

After he was done, he cuddled up beside Harry, enjoying the movie. A while later, his sisters arrived, first the twins, the Fizzy, and finally Lottie. After at least hugs and kisses and ‘are you alrights’ and ‘why did mummy yell at you Harry’ and ‘you got pizza can we have some’, they all settled down on the living room floor and played video games until Jay arrived bearing cookies and ice cream.

It was fun.

Harry and Louis finally got alone time when she sent the girls to do their homework while she made dinner. Louis tried not to be too distracted, but he was really looking forward to talking to his mother, and he kept thinking about what had happened earlier. What was wrong with him? His mood slowly deteriorated as he tried to think more into it.

Harry noticed Louis’ silence and watched as he slowly withdrew into himself. Frowning, he got up and walked into the kitchen where Jay was stirring something that smelled delicious.

“Mum, Louis is…look at him.” he whispered.

She stopped stirring and walked over, observing her son from afar.

“Can you take over? I’m gonna talk to him.” she said, before grabbing two bowls and scooping some cream, and putting cookies and top. Grabbing two spoons, she headed over to Louis, standing in front of him. He looked up, seeing the food in her hands and getting the message, following her as she turned and headed upstairs to her room.

Once inside, she shut the door with her foot and walked to her bed, getting comfortable. She handed Louis his bowl and he did the same. Louis grabbed his cookies and crumbled them into smaller bits, before mixing them in and taking a large spoonful. He licked it, sighing softly.

“So…let’s talk.” said Jay.

And he told her everything.

“We were at a club dancing…and Harry went to get me a drink. That’s all I can remember right. Then I woke u and I was chained and gagged and blindfolded and some guy was telling me what a good lay I was. I was gone all night. Then he was gone, and I showered and called a cab. And then I got home and the boys and Paul were there and they were all furious but they were touching me and I couldn’t be touched by guys so I grabbed a chair and ran to my room and locked it and used the chair as like, something to jam in just in case they had a key.”

Jay nodded, urging him to continue.

“I…um, I wore something or used something that each of the boys owned. I…I showered at least three times a day for an hour each because I felt so filthy. I kept trying to remember but nothing was happening and I was so frustrated. I…had to stuff my underwear with toilet paper because I kept bleeding, it was horrible, and it hurt so much and I was so sore. I threw up a lot because I was so sick. And the boys kept trying to get in but I ignored them.”

“How long were you in there for?”

“Almost four days. I didn’t eat anything and I wasn’t hungry. And then Harry literally kicked the door down and dragged me out of bed and put food in front of me. But I just snapped. I think we fought, or I fought him I don’t really remember, but one minute I was punching him and screaming and the next I was crying so…yea. I told everybody that I was fine. But I wasn’t. Sometimes I had really weird dreams and I’d wake up terrified but I can’t remember them. Every once in a while I hear his voice…the guy who did this to me. And…then I started getting sick and my body didn’t feel right. I was tired all the time and vomiting all the time and peeing all the time. So I went t a doctor and she told me I was pregnant.”

He sat quietly for a while, eating some more of his ice cream.

“I freaked out, and I think I was in shock or something because I went home and shut down. I was awake but I wasn’t. Like…for hours I was in some sort of limbo or something. Everyone around me was freaking out, but then I woke up and I like…called EL and Dani to my room and told them, and El was so upset, not at me, at least I don’t think, but like, at the whole situation. And she ran out. And Dani went after to talk to her.”

Louis placed his empty bowl down and sniffed, wiping his eyes a bit.

“And then the boys wanted to talk to me, and they were all mad and like, except for Harry, and they yelled at me and they left me there, and Haryy talked to me but then I must’ve said something wrong because he got mad too. And he left. And it hurt, like…I can’t explain it. And then Dani came back and she said I should take a break so I stayed with her at a hotel. And we had this interview a few days later and the boys were there and Harry spoke to me but nobody else really did. And at the interview this boy was there and he spoke to me crying and he said that someone in his family touched him…like…in a not good way and I spoke to him and everything but…I…felt weird when he said that. I got hot and I couldn’t breathe right and the interview ended and I like blacked out and when I came too Harry said I had a panic attack. And Niall said something and I called him out and I left. And then later I cried and Dani held me and we fell asleep and Liam found out where we were and got a key and saw us in the bed and thought I had sex with her.”

Louis took some time to collect himself before continuing.

“I didn’t know he thought so lowly of me as a person, and I couldn’t deal with that so I came here.”

Jay placed her bowl to the side and gathered him in her arms.

“Tell me what happened earlier love.”

Louis stayed silent, trying to figure out a way to explain it without including what happened between him and Harry.

“We were in bed, and I don’t know, one minute I was there and the next I…I was with _him_. I don’t know if it was a memory but I hope not because I could…feel _him_. And I could hear _him_ and…it was horrible and I just had to get away but I couldn’t. I don’t know…Harry woke me up and we were in the shower.”

Jay laid down, pulling Louis with her, and they face each other.

“Love, I think you need to tell your doctor all of this. Everything that happened.”

Louis frowned.

“Why?” he asked.

“You might have PTSD darling…I think that was a flashback. PTSD is associated with trauma, and what you’ve gone through and are currently going through is definitely traumatic.”

Louis scooted away from her angrily.

“I’m not crazy.”

“Baby, I never said you were. PTSD doesn’t mean you’re crazy darling. It means that you’ve gone through something terrible…and your body is trying to handle it and your mind is trying to sort itself out, but it needs help. You need to get help or it’ll only get worse. Maybe your doctor can recommend someone to talk to.”

“I don’t need a freaking shrink. I won’t have time for it either.”

“Louis listen to me, please. You are not as okay as you think you are.”

“I’ll be okay.”

“It doesn’t work that way.” she pleaded.

“Well it’ll have too. Eventually the world is going to find out about me being pregnant and the last thing I’ll need are accusations of being crazy when they’ll already think that I’m some knocked up whore.”

Jay willed herself not to burst into tears, and hugged Louis closer to her instead.

“I’m sorry Louis…God I’m so sorry baby I’m so sorry…”

Louis didn’t know what to say, so he stayed silent.

They laid there for about an hour in complete silence. It wasn’t uncomfortable. It was calming, in one way but daunting in another, because Louis knew that he wouldn’t be able to stay in the protection of his mother’s arms for much longer.

“Louis…I need you to know this. I will be by your side every step of the way. No matter what people tell you, or treat you like, or choose to believe, you have my support one hundred percent.” she whispered.

“Thank you mummy.”

Just then a soft knock sounded.

“Mum? Louis? Are you guys alright? Dinner’s ready, and I had the girls set the table and we’re waiting.” came Harry’s voice, before his footsteps trailed away.

The two sat up.

“Let’s get some real food in us, yea?”

Louis nodded, and followed his mother out of the safety of her room. He felt lighter, getting that all out.

They walked downstairs and took seats at the table, Louis taking the one next to Harry. They smiled at each other before eating.

.  
.  
.

“It’s been three days! Three! Days!”

Liam flinched at his phone. Management was LIVID.

“I understand that, but they’ll be back by the end of this week…”

“Do you know how many appearances have been cancelled!? What the fans are saying?! They don’t have that right!”

“Yes they do!”

“No, they don’t. Where are they?!”

“I’m not telling you that.” said Liam, standing his ground.

“Alright then, We’ll play it your way, Mr. Payne. And when they get back, we’ll have you boys sit in on a full blown meeting where we’ll discuss your contracts in full, and we’ll see who bends to whose will.”

The phone cut off and Liam sank to the ground.

This was worse than he thought.  
.  
.  
.

And just like that, it was time to head back.

Harry carried their bags into his Range Rover while Louis said his goodbyes. He hugged his mother tight.

“You stay strong, alright?”

He nodded, finally releasing her and stepping back.

“Tell the girls I love them okay?”

Jay nodded, taking his hands in hers.

“Please…promise me you’ll get some type of help.”

Louis shook his head.

“I can’t promise you that…I’m sorry mummy.”

Jay closed her eyes, gripping his hands tighter.

“Well, at least remember that you can always talk to me.”

“I’ll never forget that.” he answered, before she let go of him.

He made his way into the passenger seat of Harry’s car. As they pulled out of the driveway and started off, Louis rolled down his window and screamed, “I love you!!!!!!!”

He watched as his mother laughed and yelled it right back, and then they were off. It was sad to go…but he had more battles to face and he couldn’t hide forever no matter how much he wanted too.

Harry turned on a music station, and the two hummed along to the songs played.

“Louis…you should turn your phone back on now. It’s been like three weeks.”

Oh right. His phone.

He dug around in his bag and tried to, but it was dead.

“Do you have your car charger?” he asked.

“Yea check the glove compartment.”

Louis opened it and dug around before pulling it out, plugging it in and hooking it to his phone. The apple sign appeared and he waited for a bit, and then his phone went haywire with missed messages and calls.

“Crap.”he whined as it continued to vibrate.

Harry giggled and Louis slapped his arm lightly.

“Don’t laugh.” he pouted.

He began to go through his messages, deleting them as he went along. Then he decided to check twitter.

They were trending, and he frowned.

#WeMissOurBoys

“The fans say they miss us on twitter.”he said to Harry.

“Well, yeah. They’ve had to cancel like a weeks worth of promo and stuff because we went on our vacation.”

Louis sighed and leaned his head back.

“Management is going to kill us.” he complained.

Harry reached over and grabbed his hand in a comforting squeeze.

“We’ll be alright.”

Louis squeezed back before gazing at the passing scenery. In a few hours he’d be back to what used to be fun for him, where the only worries were remembering lyrics and don’t sing too loud because your voice isn’t as good as everyone else’s and try not to act like such a kid and his personal favorite; don’t move around so much because your shirts ride up and your fans don’t need to see your fat. Yup. He loved his management team. And if they were worried about his ‘fat’ before, well….

He glanced down at his stomach that wasn’t really showing yet, but would be very soon.

Yup.

Life was good.

He looked back down at his phone, going back on twitter.

Louis_Tomlinson: We miss you too . :)

He hit send, and watched as twitter blew up within seconds.

He spent the rest of the drive singing with Harry and tweeting fans.

It was nice.

And then they pulled into the underground garage of their flat.

“I’ll get the bags.” said Harry, before stepping out and stretching, then heading to the trunk. Louis hm’d, still focused on his phone. Harry closed the trunk and walked inside, smiling at the complete feeling in his stomach. Louis was home with him. And then he stopped, seeing Niall, Liam, and Zayn sitting down all around their living room.

“What are you guys doing here?” he asked, his voice guarded.

The tone of Harry’s voice caught Louis’ attention, and his head shot up. The moment he spotted Liam, he turned around to get the hell out of there. Harry dropped his bags and just managed to catch his arm before he made it back outside.

Liam got up with his hands held out in a calming gesture.

“Louis please don’t go. Just listen to what we have to say.”

Louis struggled in Harry’s arms.

“Harry let go of me.”

Harry leaned down by his ear and murmured, “Let’s just hear them out, okay. If they say anything bad, I’ll kick them out. But they won’t hurt you, alright. I’ll stay right next to you.”

The other boys watched as Harry calmed Louis down, and he finally stopped struggling before turning around to face them, his face carefully blank.

Liam sighed before gathering his wits.

“We came to apologize.”

Louis’ face didn’t change, and Liam swallowed nervously before going further.

“I was…wrong to say that about you, and think that about you. I was upset but that didn’t give me the right to degrade you like that. I know you’d never cheat, and you’d never be with Danielle like that. And I’m so sorry Louis…”

Niall got up next.

“Um, I was a right twat, to put it lightly. There’s some stuff you don’t know about me, and that I’d like to keep to m’self. And I get that I have a right to that, just like you have a right to your secrets. I’m sorry for being such an arse. I shouldn’t have yelled at you, or acted like that to you. You’re…one of my best friends and I was worried for you and I acted wrong and I’m sorry mate. I really am.”

He hung his head in shame.

Finally, Zayn got up.

“I miss my partner in crime. Sometimes when you’re scared for someone you care about you do dumb stuff. So I did dumb stuff. Instead of standing by you, I cursed at you. You deserve better than that. I’m sorry, Louis.”

Harry looked over at Louis who was staring at the other boys, his face still devoid of emotion.

Liam spoke up again.

“We got you some stuff. I know material things can’t really make up for how we acted but…” he trailed off, before motioning toward the kitchen.

Louis looked over at Harry before making his way there, not making any eye contact with the boys. When he got there, he stopped in shock. A huge cake stood out, and he walked to it slowly.

It had all the boys on it. They are all hugging him tightly, and he was in the middle. Then written in pretty words was, “Sorry for being dicks.”

Louis choked out a laugh sob before turning around and flinging his arms around the nearest boy who happened to be Niall. Then they all ran, crowding around and having a massive hug, cry, laugh fest.

They all sat on the kitchen floor laughing and joking and savoring the feeling of being together again. Louis was on his second slice of cake when he phone vibrated in his pocket. Pulling it out, he checked who it was and immediately his smile dropped off his face.

“I’ll be right back guys.” he stated, and they nodded, laughing at some story Niall was telling. Harry caught Louis’ eye and frowned as he watched him walk away.

Louis turned the corner for privacy before answering.

“Hi Eleanor.”

_‘Hi Louis…I’m outside your flat. Can I come in…please?’_

Louis walked over to the front door, opening it to see Eleanor standing there with wide eyes and an overall guilty demeanor.

“Sure.” he said, putting his phone back into his pocket.

He walked back to the kitchen, Eleanor in tow. Harry frowned.

Just great. Eleanor was here.

Eleanor caught Harry’s look and she quickly took Louis’ hand in hers, holding it tightly.

This time, Harry scowled.

“Can we talk in private? ”she asked softly.

Louis nodded.

“We’ll be right back.” he said to the boys.

He held her hand as they walked to his room, both sitting on the bed.

“I’m sorry Louis.” she said, immediately getting to it.

“I’ve heard that a lot lately.” he mumbled.

“I’m sure…I just didn’t know how to take this.”

He didn’t say anything.

“But I’m back and I won’t leave again. I was selfish. Danielle told me-

“She put you up to this?”

“Not like that, love. She told me off. I cried in a café for an hour after she left. I think a fan took a picture or me red faced and snot nosed and drooling.”

Louis bit his lip to stifle his laugh.

“So you’re not mad at me?”

“Never was. Just shocked at…all this.”

He got it. He really did.

“It’s alright though. You needed some time. I needed some too…”

“We’ll get through this together.”

He nodded.

“Yea, with you with me on one side, and Harry on the other, I feel invinsible.”

Eleanor bit her lip.

“Yea…Harry.” she said, sounding less than enthused.

Louis didn’t catch on to her tone, instead pulling her out of his room.

“Have a slice of cake. The boys got it for me.”

She ran along with him. As soon as he got back to the kitchen, he released her hand and sat right back down next to Harry, nearly on his lap, reaching for his plate.

Harry turned his face to hide his smirk at the look on Eleanor’s face.

God he was being such an asshole but…he kinda really loved Louis so he’d take what he could get for now, each little victory at a time.

Eleanor got herself a plate and settled in next to Niall, eating her slice as she watched them all interact.

Louis and Harry only saw each other. Maybe Louis forgot she was there completely. Everyone was distracted and it gave her time to observe them closely. They were always touching. If Louis scooted over, Harry would wrap an arm loosely around his waist. If Harry moved, Louis followed. If a shoulder wasn’t touching, a thigh was. And if a thigh wasn’t touching, a foot was. Or one would lean on the other. Or they would lay a hand on a knee. They just had to be in contact.

Eleanor couldn’t tell if she was jealous or awed at how sweet it was. She quickly finished her cake before announcing her departure.

Louis looked up, just noticing she was still there.

“Already?” he asked.

“Yea, I’m having a day out with my mum tomorrow. We’re leaving rather early.”

She walked over and kissed his cheek.

“I’ll text you.” she said before turning to Harry.

“Can you walk me to the door please?”

Harry faked his most charming smile.

“Of course.” he said, getting up.

Louis immediately turned to the other boys to talk while they walked away. They got to the front door before Eleanor turned to Harry,

“Thank you so much for being there for him while I wasn’t.” she said.

“It was my pleasure.” he replied.

“I know I wasn’t there for much, but I’ll be sure to be there every step of the way from now on.”

“I found out, you know. He doesn’t know that I know, but I know.”

She gasped.

“How?”

“I saw his sonogram.”

“Well…good for you I suppose. You did a good job, looking after him for me, and I can take over just fine. As his girlfriend and all.”

Harry smiled sweetly.

“You’re right. You’ve got him all day. I don’t mind watching him in the night though, when we share a bed.”

She frowned.

“He’s a cuddler, isn’t he?” he asked, leaning forward.

He opened the door for her.

“Goodnight Ms. Calder. Get home safely.”

They both gave each other less than kind looks as she made her way out, and he closed the door softly behind her, leaning against it.

“Harry? Are you alright?” asked Louis from the kitchen.

“Yea!” he called, going back and cuddling up to Louis on the floor.

The battle was just beginning.


	7. Chapter 7

Louis would be lying if he said he wasn’t scared.

In fact, scared was the greatest understatement of all time.

He was absolutely terrified.

It was like this fear had taken on a physical form, and was pressing down on his entire body. His knees were tempted to tremble under the weight of it. He teeth wanted to chatter. His body wanted to curl in on itself.

But he’d be damned if he let that happen.

Instead, he looked Paul in the eye and nodded to him as he and the rest of the boys followed and slid into the van taking them to the meeting management had promised.

Harry sat next to Louis, and Liam next to him. Zayn and Niall sat on the opposite side facing them, and Paul got in the drivers seat.

The van pulled off and it was silent in the car aside from the soft music playing from the radio.

Louis gazed out the window watching as things flew by, until they suddenly pulled into a drive through.

“I expect this meeting to go on for a while, and they probably won’t want you breaking for food. So it’s best to grab something to eat now.

They nodded, deciding what to eat.

Louis frowned a bit as he wasn’t really feeling up to breakfast yet. His stomach was doing that thing that it always seemed to do lately, and he really didn’t feel like puking. It was also hurting quite a bit.

He felt Harry’s hand on his thigh and he looked over.

“You getting anything?” he asked Louis softly.

“Nothing big.” he mumbled back.

Harry nodded before telling Paul.

The promise of food broke the silence and the boys chatted a bit, all avoiding the topic of the dreadful meeting that was sure to come.

Louis leaned against Harry’s shoulder, laughing at something Niall said.

The girl at the counter handed Paul their food with shaking hands, eyes wide with recognition, well knowing the boys were in the back even though she couldn’t see them through the tinted windows.

Paul sighed before handing the boys a slip of paper to sign for her. They did and he gave it back to the girl who squeaked a thanks, and they drove off.

Paul handed the bags of food to Zayn who distributed the rest around. Louis took his small breakfast sandwich, thanking Harry before taking a bite. He nibbled, zoning back out as he ate. His eyes drifted over to Harry, and he swallowed thickly at the sight of Harry sticking out his tongue as he took a massive bite of his sandwich. He watched Harry chew, and then his eyes traveled down to his throat as Harry’s Adam’s apple bobbed. The process repeated, and when he finally tore his gaze away, he managed to lock eyes with Zayn who was staring at him. Zayn glanced at Harry before it returned to Louis, and he nodded before turning back to his food.

Louis raised an eye brow, confused, but Zayn ignored him. Louis sighed softly and took another small bite of his food. Niall reached into the bag with food again, pulling out a second sandwich. The moment he unwrapped it, Louis got a whiff and the smell shot right to his stomach, churning it violently. He looked at the sandwich and tried to ignore the smell. He grabbed a few napkins and spit out what was left in his mouth. He bunched it and held it in his hand, along with his unfinished sandwich.

Louis then opened the window slightly, sticking his fingers out and focusing on the feel of the wind on his fingers, hoping to keep the nausea at bay. Harry nudged him.

“You alright?” he asked, and he noticed the other boys were looking at him as well.

He nodded, not trusting himself to open his mouth, as he was afraid he’d spew. Louis leaned his head back against the seat, breathing deeply, but with each breath he took, was another nose full he’d take of the smell of onions in Niall’s sandwich. He placed his other hand on his stomach, rubbing it softly, and closed eyes, trying to think of nice things. At that moment, the car dipped down a hill and Louis felt his stomach drop and stir. He took his hand from the window and clenched it in a fist.

Harry tapped Louis’ thigh.

“Lou?” he called softly.

Louis didn’t answer. Instead, he hunched over, retching loudly. The whole car let out a collective gasp as he clamped a hand over his mouth, feeling hot and dizzy and so very nauseas.

“Paul pull over!” called Zayn while Louis continued to gag, trying his hardest to hold it in.

Louis swallowed and gasped, his throat clenching.

Liam grabbed an empty food bag and handed it to Louis who spit it in. He moaned and clutched his stomach. Harry leaned down and pried Louis feet apart, making room just incase Paul didn’t pull over in time.

“Breathe Louis.” he said, and then pulled his hand from his stomach.

Louis opened his mouth to say how much that didn’t work, only to lurch forward again.

“Spit.” said Liam from beside Harry, and Louis did, before grunting and clenching his eyes shut.

Finally the car managed to find a spot to safely pull over, and Louis opened the car door before it fully stopped. He jumped out and ran a bit before keeling over, finally emptying his stomach.

Harry waited patiently to the side until Louis was finished. Louis signaled to his back and Harry walked back over to the car, grabbing it for him. Louis took the bag silently, rummaging around and taking out his travel mouthwash. Harry watched as Louis gargled, cleaning his mouth as best as he could, before he spit again. Louis’ cheeks were burning, because damn it this was so humiliating.

He could feel the boys and Paul watching him from the car, and he kept his back turned to them, and placing his hands on his face.

“Hey, what’s that about?” asked Harry, pulling Louis away from the puddle of bile and standing in front of him. He slowly pried Louis’ hands from his face, and looked into his eyes.

“We all get sick Lou. Nothing to feel bad about, okay?”

Louis shook his head, trying to look away, but Harry grabbed a hold on his chin.

“It’s fine, Louis.”

“It’s not…it’s embarrassing.” he whispered.

Harry rolled his eyes.

“I think they’re more concerned with your health then how gross or whatever it looked.”

Louis pouted.

“Was it really that gross?” he asked.

“When has puking ever not been?” Harry laughed.

Louis stuck his tongue out before playfully shoving the taller boy, almost pushing him into the bile on the ground.

“LOU!” yelled Harry while Louis made a run for the car, laughing loudly. He shrieked when Harry caught up to him and grabbed him by his waist, almost causing him to drop his bag.

“Put me down Harry!” he laughed out.

The boys watched from inside the car.

“I guess he’s feeling better. That’s good. He was probably just nervous.” said Liam, smiling at them.

“They look like a couple.” mumbled Zayn.

“What was that mate?” asked Niall, finishing off his food and putting it in the garbage bag.

“Nothing.” said Zayn.

Harry carried Louis to the car, the both of them giggling as they got back in. He ignored the slight twinge in his stomach, smiling brightly.

“You alright Louis?” asked Niall.

Louis nodded, deciding not to mention the fact that it was his sandwich that made him sick.

Paul looked back, sending a wordless question, and Louis nodded.

“I’m fine Paul, thank you.” he said, before leaning on Harry.

“Back on the road then.” said the older man, before pulling back onto the highway.

Paul’s statement sobered up the boys, as they remembered where they were headed.

Louis closed his eyes and hoped to everything that he could walk out of this meeting without revealing his secret.

What would they say to him?

Would they make him get an abortion?

No, he wouldn’t let himself think like that.

Instead of panicking, Louis decided it would be better to let himself dose off. Him overthinking this wouldn’t stop the meeting from happening.

He still had to go.

And there was no way to predict what would go down.

He placed a hand on his stomach, massaging it gently. It was really bugging him today.

He closed his eyes and drifted off.  
.  
.  
.

_“Wanna dance with me gorgeous?”_

_Blonde hair, long and swaying. Big blue eyes, glossy read lips. Beautiful._

_So beautiful._

_“Why not?” he answers._

_Flushed cheeks, roaming hands, grinding._

_Her hands in his hair, her voice in his ear, moaning._

_“Let’s get out of here.”_

_Blurry. Spinning._

_But wait._

_“Har is bringin’ me drink.”_

_“Come with me.”_

_Bodies closer, more touching, burning heat, hot hot hot, moaning, feels good, okay, he’ll go._

_Stumbling. Staggering._

_“C’mon.”_

_Tugging, pulling, laughter._

_So dizzy._

_Can’t breathe right._

_“Harry? Haz I dun feel well.”_

_“Shhhh.”_

_Darkness._

.  
.  
.  
Louis jerked out of his sleep, looking around and feeling disoriented.

“You good?”

He looked over at Zayn who was watching him.

“Yeah…” he mumbled.

What was that? Who was that girl? What a weird dream.

And then he glanced over at Niall. Niall had said something about a girl. A blonde…from the club.

Just then, they pulled up to the building.

He’d have to ask Niall about it later.

Paul nodded at security and drove into the secured parking lot and into an empty space. He shut off the van and sat silently. None of them said a word.

“You’ll be alright, boys.” he said.

At that, they exited and made their way inside. They all nodded towards the secretary who was at a desk, and she immediately picked up a phone.

They continued onwards, getting into an elevator to the top floor. Stepping out, they walked down the long corridor in silence, glancing at the pictures of previous and present clients lining the wall.

The door to the meeting room was shut, and Paul knocked on it softly before opening it. Inside, the tension was stifling. Multiple tables were set up in a rectangular shape. At the end of one side were five empty seats. They all sat down in silence. They sat in the order of Liam, Zayn, Louis, Harry, and Niall. Louis looked around and locked eyes with a woman who was sending him some nasty looks. He didn’t realize he was shaking until Harry softly placed his hand on his thigh.

“Do you know why you’re here boys?”

They all nodded in unison.

“Really? Interesting.”

“Why’s that?” asked Zayn.

“Because if you knew what would bring you here, you shouldn’t have done it in the first place.”

“S’not true. We never said we knew you’d call us here. We just said we knew why we were here. There’s a difference.” countered Zayn, getting even more annoyed.

“And that attitude will only get you more in trouble.”

“Then tell the lady with the crazy hair over there to stop looking at Louis like he’s scum.”

They all turned to a woman to the right who had been glaring at Louis nonstop since they walked in.

“You should know why I have this look. He’s been a right prat.”

Harry’s fist clenched against Louis’ thigh, and Louis grabbed a hold of it.

“Alright, settle down and let’s get started on the discussion.”

“So you’re going to let her get away with calling him a prat?” asked Harry softly.

“What does it matter? Let’s just get going.”

It was silent again, for a long time, before another man finally began to speak.

“Louis, for the past few months, you’ve been more…annoying than usual.”

Louis’ head shot up and he stared at him. He placed a hand on his stomach, rubbing it.

“Annoying?” he asked quietly.

 “Yes. People from past events complained of you not staying still enough, rushing off often, being moody and rude. You’ve told off fans, which is something that should never be done, and you even left during that signing a few weeks ago without permission or any sort of warning. Fans notice these things. Do you have an explanation?”

He bit his lip, looking down at his lap.

“I was…um…I was sick.” he whispered.

“Speak up Louis. Where’s all that sass you always have?”

Zayn cracked his fingers.

“I was sick.” said Louis again, much louder.

“Of course you were.”

“I mean, I could have just hurled all over the table and fans in front of me. Get more of that publicity you wanted.” he said, cocking his head to the side.

They wanted sass?

They’d get it.

“Alright. Well…there was something earlier, before I move on. When you guys made that club appearance a few moths ago, and you vanished. And then, you refused to leave your room for days. You had multiple appointments missed because of whatever that nonsense was. Can you tell us about that?”

Oh. That.

He deflated quickly.

If he told them, that’s one thing he could have off his back. So then, whenever they found out he was knocked up, at least they wouldn’t call him a whore.

“No, sir. I can’t.”

He punked out.

He heard the gasps and other various noises of outrage, even someone slamming a fist on the table.

“No?” asked another man from the table.

“No.” Louis repeated.

“And why not?”

“It’s personal.”

“As your management team, I think we have the right to know.”

The right to know? The right to know what happened to him? The right to know how _he_ touched him, how _he_ laughed at him, how _he_ …

“No, you don’t.” he said, the words coming out harsher than he had meant it to.

“Then what about this whole random unexcused vacation you took just now? What about that, huh!?”

It was clear this meeting was going downhill, and fast.

“Don’t yell at him.” said Niall, not liking this at all.

“Talk, Louis!”

“I needed a break.”

“So you just left!?”

It was the woman from before.

“As a member of this group, you have an obligation to behave a certain way, and I don’t know what the hell you’ve been thinking lately, but acting like this is beyond unacceptable! It’s unprofessional, and you don’t have that right!”

“Stop yelling at him!” yelled Niall, getting angry.

“Don’t you yell at me young man! You’re out of line. The whole lot of you!” she screamed.

Somebody else spoke up.

“A lot of money goes into you all, and you can’t act like this and expect good consequences.”

Louis clenched his fists.

“I know that, okay. And I;m sorry, but I really needed a break, things were going on and I needed to go home for a little bit, it was only a week-

“A week full of missed photo shoots, signings, and interviews. That’s a lot. I know you don’t care-

“Of course I care-

“Not enough to do as you’re told. Is it freedom you want? Then just say that and we’ll let you go. God knows it wouldn’t make much of a difference. Not with your voice.”

Whatever yelling and commotion that had been happening died that instant. It was dead silent, as everybody stared at the woman with wide eyes. Louis slowly slumped in his chair.

“Don’t look so shocked. It’s true. So remember the next time you act out that you’re easily replaceable with someone with much more talent.”

He swallowed thickly.

And then Liam exploded. The others in the room jumped with shock.

“How dare you. Don’t you ever say that! Do you think we would just sit there and let you replace Louis? Our Louis? Our brother?

Replaceable.

He’s replaceable.

“You think you can just sit here and say things about one of the kindest people I know? One of the nicest, sweetest human beings? One of the most selfless and caring?” Liam continued.

Because she was right.

He can’t sing.

Never has been able to.

He was never good enough.

“You’re saying he doesn’t have the right? That we don’t have the right? No, you wicked woman. You don’t have the right.”

I mean, who was he kidding?

Him, some waste of space kid from Doncaster, singing to millions?

He shouldn’t be here.

He never should have made it.

Harry watched as Louis curled further and further into himself. His stomach cramped as his mind sorted through what she had just said to him.

Louis could feel Harry’s eyes on him.

“Louis is talented, and he can sing, and has always done a good job. He has fans that love and adore him. They care about him. It’s sad that you can’t see how wonderful he is.”

He shouldn’t be here.

He can’t sing.

He’s talentless.

He has to get out of here.

Louis weakly stood up, silencing everyone.

“Stop Liam.” he said, keeping a straight face and an even tone.

He wouldn’t let them see him cry.

“You’re right. I am talentless. I can’t sing. I am annoying. I am a prat. And I am replaceable. So I’ll leave, okay? I won’t cause you any problems, and I won’t take anything to the press, and I won’t sue or anything. I’ll just got. You can terminate my contract and I’ll disappear.”

The boy's mouths dropped in horror as Louis basically degraded and then fired himself before them.

“Lou-

“Thank you for putting up with me until now. I’m sorry.” he whispered, before pushing in his chair and rushing out.

“Louis!” he heard Harry call behind him.

“Louis stop!” called Zayn, running after him.

Louis’ eyes blurred as he rushed, ignoring his band mates and then colliding with someone.

He tried to move past but they kept a firm grip on his arms.

Looking up, he saw that it was Simon holding him, and he looked concerned.

“Louis? Louis, what happened?” he asked, and Louis dropped his head.

“Why did you let me through?”

Simon leaned down to try and hear him better.

“What?” he asked.

He could hear loud yelling from the room down the hall.

“Why did you say yes to me? Why am I in the band?”

“Louis…I don’t understand.”

“I can’t sing, Simon. I’m’ talentless and I’m holding the boys back, and I’m replaceable so I quit and I’m sorry-

“You quit? Louis-

“It’s better this way, right?”

He looked up with wide teary eyes, that had a manic appearance to them. He was breathing much to fast. He laughed.

“It’s better that I go and then when things come to light all these people won’t be there to judge me and I can hide and I can get away and I won’t come back, ever and-

“Louis-

“So this is good... so short and fat and ugly talentless little old me should just disappear…I’ll disappear I promise-

“Louis stop-

He couldn’t deal with this. Too much was happening, and they didn’t want him, and his stomach was really starting to hurt.

A sob escaped him as he shoved Simon off roughly and sprinted away, into the nearest bathroom.

Simon watched him go with wide concerned eyes before rushing into the room that was in chaos.

“What is going on here!” he asked, sternly.

“Where did Louis go?” asked Harry, standing up.

Simon would deal with this. He needed to get to Louis.

Simon held his hand up to Harry to silence him while he continued his questioning.

“Why did Louis basically hyperventilate in my arms? What. Happened. Here.”

Harry bit his lip.

Louis was hurting. He needed to go.

“Tell him what you said.”Niall spat, his face red with anger. He clenched his armrests.

“He’s been acting out lately, with the disappearances and all that, and I told him that he was replaceable.”

“Say it all! Tell him that you said Louis’ couldn’t sing, and you could find someone with talent. Don’t forget that!”yelled Zayn, sneering.

“And then Louis basically admitting all this crap! He thinks it’s true! He quit!” said Liam, his hands in fists.

“I’m going after Louis.” said Harry.

“Sit down Harry. Let Louis cool off. We need to talk about this; now.”

Harry sighed angrily, plopping into his seat.

Simon then walked to the front, and sitting at the seat reserved for him.

“By saying that Louis shouldn’t be in this band, you have not only insulted him, and his band mates, but you have also insulted me. I knew what I was doing when I put them all together. Are you questioning my decisions?”

Whoever was standing at this point quickly took a seat.

It was silent.

“Answer me.”demanded Simon.

“Well, no sir but-

“But what? What right do you have to say that to a boy that I chose? Where would you be without him? They all make this band, and you’d probably be working at the nearest Nando’s if it weren’t for his talent.”

Harry watched this, barely paying attention. Instead, he texted Louis, only to hear a phone vibrate from beside him. He pulled out the chair, looking for the phone.

And then he saw the blood.

.  
.  
.

Louis was doubled over, gasping in pain as wave after wave slammed into him. It felt like he was getting stabbed over and over. It was a searing insistent pain, and he leaned against the wall of the bathroom, moaning deeply.

It hurt so much, oh God.

He slowly made his way into a stall, because he felt wet and gross and why was he in so much pain?

Gingerly, he unbuttoned his dark skinny’s and pulled them down.

And then he saw the blood.  
.  
.  
.

Harry jumped out of his chair, nearly falling into Niall as he screamed, literally screamed. No.

No no no no no.

“Harry mate, what-

Harry staggered out of the room, gasping.

“Louis?”

His name came out of his mouth in a wheeze as he fought for his breath.

“Louis!?” he shouted, running down the hall. “Louis where are you!? Louis!”

He heard the other boys calling him from behind him, their confusion evident.

But they didn’t matter right now. Louis mattered.

Louis was bleeding…Louis was bleeding and he was pregnant and he didn’t have his phone and he was BLEEDING and he was PREGNANT.

“Louis!”  
.  
.  
.

It was running down his legs, his underwear already soaked through with it. He stared at it in a sort of fascinated shock before pulling his pants back up and reaching for his phone. It wasn’t there. When he pulled his hand up from his back pocket, there was blood all over it. He looked down at his feet. There was blood there too.

He was bleeding.

He was bleeding and he was hurting and he had no phone. He slowly slid down the wall of his stall, until he planted himself on the ground.

The pain increased.

And he cried out, for anyone. He needed help.

This wasn’t right. It shouldn’t be happening.

“Harry…”  
.  
.  
.

Harry ran and checked each office, all either empty or had no Louis.

“Louis!!”

.  
.  
.

This was too much pain. Way too much. It hurt too much he couldn’t breathe it hurt and he was getting dizzy it hurt…he was writhing in pain on the dirty tile of some restroom, all alone and bleeding out and nobody was there.

He was always alone.

And now that he’d quit…he’d forever be alone.

It was just him. Only him.

“Louis!?”

Harry.

Harry!

“Harry! I’m in here Harry!”

“Louis where are you!? Lou!”

Oh God, he couldn’t hear him. What if he didn’t check the bathroom? What if…what if he bled out in here?

“Harry…” he moaned out, the pain seeming to triple.

Taking a deep breath, he screamed. “I’m in here Harry!”  
.  
.  
.

“I’m in here Harry!”

Harry looked toward the bathroom door and sprinted there, bursting in and sliding on the blood, slapping the floor. He didn’t realize what he had slipped in until he opened his eyes and tried to get up, his hands unable to find proper balance. Looking down, he gasped.

“Oh Christ.”

He heard a whimper from one of the stalls and crawled over, nearly collapsing at the sight of Louis curled in on himself and bloody.

“Give me your hand Louis, I’m gonna pull you over and out of here.”

Louis nodded weakly and held his hands out to Harry. They slipped, and Harry gripped them firmly as he pulled Louis toward him.

Louis gasped in pain and bit his lips hard, trying not to cry. If he started crying then he would give up and he couldn’t give up because…

Harry slowly managed to find footing and stood up, before leaning down and scooping Louis up into his arms bridal style. Louis leaned into his neck and moaned, shuddering in agony. Harry stepped around the blood so he wouldn’t fall, before reaching awkwardly for the door.

“You’re going to be okay Louis, you hear me?” he whispered desperately as they got out of the bathroom. He walked quickly, trying to ignore the sound of blood dripping from Louis’ saturated jeans.

“I need an ambulance!” yelled Harry. “Somebody help!”

Louis was losing too much blood. It was going so fast. His life was dripping through his hands.

“Do you hear me, Louis?”

“Yes Hazza.” he whispered, panting softly. He was dizzy.

Somebody peeked outside of an office room, took one look at them, and grabbed their cell phone.

“What’s going on?”asked somebody else.

“Oh my God!”

Before Harry made it all the way back into the room where everyone else was. As soon as he stepped in, somebody screamed. Niall fell back into his chair while Liam immediately began dialing for help.

“Oh my, Louis!” yelled Simon, jumping out of his seat. Harry sat down and held Louis close, shaking too much to keep standing.

“You’re gonna be okay, alright Louis? You’re gonna be alright. Think of your sisters, think of their smiles. Think of your Mum…think of our fans. Think okay, think about them, not about the pain.”

He tried, he really did, but it hurt too much.

“It hurts Hazza.” he whispered, before his eyes rolled back and he went limp.

Harry’s held on to Louis for dear life, silently sobbing and staring at Louis who was alarmingly pale and still and God no no no no no his Louis…his Louis wasn’t okay this wasn’t okay no no no.

Zayn stared at Louis lying limp before he promptly collapsed, scaring the rest of the room out of their stupor.

“Call the ambulance again, they’re taking too long! We should probably move Louis downstairs so he can get help faster. Harry? Harry. Okay, Niall, I need you to breathe, and go to Zayn. The rest of you keep calling. Liam, check Louis’ pulse.”

Liam complied, stumbling and kneeling beside Harry. He took to fingers and plaed them on Louis’ neck.

“It’s still beating, oh thank God it’s still beating…it seems weak maybe, I don’t know Simon I don’t know how it’s supposed to be but it’s beating-

“Thank you Liam.” said Simon, before going beside Harry.

“Harry? We’re moving Louis downstairs, to the secured parking lot, so they can help him faster when they get here. Do you understand?”

Harry nodded, getting up and walking out with Louis limp form in his arms. He stared at Louis’ pale face, seeing the whites of his eyes o from beneath the barely open eyelids. It was a blur as they all quickly made their way to the elevator. When it opened at the bottom, they could hear the sound of the ambulance’s siren. Harry couldn’t see or hear anything but Louis. He listened to his short uneven breathes, watched as his body shuddered from a pain even unconsciousness couldn’t escape. He listened to his soft moans as they got weaker and he turned whiter and the blood was still flowing.

And then there were hands prying Louis from him and he wanted to scream at them, they shouldn’t be touching his Louis…this was his Louis, don’t take his Louis away, please…

But they were going to help him. He looked into their eyes as they pulled him away.

He watched as they strapped him in and placed a mask on his face and checked his pulse and loaded them into the ambulance. He made to follow them but Simon held him back, and he literally screeched until Simon let him go. He quickly jumped in and they shut the door of the truck, before speeding off. Machines were beeping and medical jargon was thrown left and right, and then he remembered-

“He’s pregnant.” he whispered, and they both turned, before looking horrified.

“Speed it up! We gotta get there faster! Possible miscarriage!”said one of them, while the other one started hooking Louis up to all these wires and different things that made everything look so much scarier and Louis was still bleeding.

“Why didn’t you say something before?”

“I…I just found out a few days ago…nobody else knew and…he was still awake and I didn’t want to stress him out even further saying anything and-

“It’s alright, it’s alright. We’ll do our best, okay.”

And then they heard a week voice.

“Haz. Call Dr. Minnie. She can help.”

Harry reached over and grabbed Louis hand, and Louis weekly squeezed back.

“We know her. Call ahead and alert her.”

“Louis…you’re gonna be fine, we’re on our way to the hospital. Okay Louis?”

Louis nodded before his eyes fluttered and his head lolled to the side.

“Nooo Louis nooo…” whispered Harry.

He stared at Louis in silence and they bumped along for however long. Finally, they swerved into a spot where doctors were waiting for them. Everything went by so fast, one minute Louis’ hand was in his and the next they were wheeling him off. He struggled to keep up with them, before someone blocked his path.

“You can’t go there sir.”

“No but he needs me I’m-

“I know, darling, I know. Let them help him, okay? Let them do their job.” he looked at the frazzled nurse and then stepped back, and watched with a blank face as they wheeled him off. Harry stood there for a long time before slumping into one of the private waiting room chairs, letting his face fall into his hands.

The shuddering started in his stomach, before moving up his chest and to his shoulders, finally making it’s way to his head, and out of him in a broken sob that nearly knocked him off his seat. He lost track of time as he held his face in his hands, and before long, a pair of arms wrapped themselves around him. He heard the soothing voice of Niall as he cried, but it didn’t register. His Louis could be dying. He could be losing his Louis.

Harry opened his eyes and watched as his tears mixed with the blood on his hands as they splattered on the ground below him.


	8. Chapter 8

Hours of complete silence have gone by in a blur. Niall’s comforting whispered words in Harry’s ear had long since faded off, no longer registering. Liam stood near Zayn, trying to get close to the boy but having no such luck. Zayn wouldn’t let anyone touch him, choosing to close himself off completely and huddle in a corner. They had been moved to a more private waiting room, as to avoid anyone who tried to film them or take pictures. One girl with a broken arm had already screamed loudly enough to disturb the whole wing.

Harry stared straight ahead, the tear streaks dried on his face, along with caked on blood. His hands laid limp in his lap, imprints of his fingernails slowly fading from when he had clenched them for nearly an hour. Simon was at the front desk, speaking to the nurse in charge for the millionth time, still having no word of their eldest brother. People came in and out, only authorized. Outside were hundreds of people, word having spread that Louis was in the hospital. The fans were in a panic. Twitter and Tumblr were both down.

Nobody knew what was wrong, and details were still scarce, but that did nothing to ebb the near hysteria.

Inside the hospital was worse, in it’s own way. The feeling in the boys’ hearts was beyond painful. It was so hard to breathe in there. Maybe it would feel better to just hurl themselves outside into the waiting crowd than to be enveloped in this horrid quiet and barely restrained chaos. Harry wasn’t aware of himself wheezing until Niall held his face in his hands, near yelling to get his attention.

“Harry!?” the Irish lad called, blue eyes wide and teary.

Harry opened his mouth to reply, but his throat was closed off. His voice came out in a gargled choke before he began coughing in earnest. Niall patted his back while the others looked on worriedly.

Liam took note of a water fountain in a corner, before going over and grabbing a paper cup, filling it, and bringing it over to Harry who took it in trembling hands. Niall took the cup form him, holding it up to the younger boy’s lips, and Harry sipped it slowly. He finished the water and Niall handed the empty cup back to Liam who tossed it before sitting a few feet from Zayn on the ground.

Simon walked back into the room.

“I’m going to try and do some damage control outside. In the meantime, Niall, keep looking after Harry, and Liam, you Zayn. Stay strong boys. Louis is a fighter. I’m sure whatever’s wrong, he’ll pull through.”

With that, he made his way out again, leaving the boys alone. Zayn finally stood up.

“I need a smoke.” he mumbled.

Harry gazed over at him, before noticing his shaking hands. Zayn followed his gaze, looking down at them before placing them in the pockets of his jean jacket. Liam stood up as well.

“I’ll come with?” he asked softly.

Zayn shrugged, before heading out and over to the front desk.

“Is there somewhere I can take a smoke in private.”

She pursed her lip before nodding, directing him. Liam followed him, the two going outside in a secluded area. Zayn fumbled around his pockets, grabbing his pack of cigarettes and his lighter. His hands trembled as he lit it, and took a long pull of the smoke, releasing it slowly. His shoulders were tense. Liam watched Zayn smoke in silence, before he took the cigarette from his lips and tossed it on the ground, stepping on it.

“What the fu-“

Liam tugged Zayn into a fierce hug, the other boy responding to the hug almost instantly.

“Tell me he’ll be ok Liam.” he whispered, the words muffled.

“He’ll be okay.”

“Promise me.” demanded Zayn.

“I promise.”

“I treated him like crap and I just got the chance to start making things right and there was so much blood and-

“He forgave us Zayn, remember? He forgave us.”

“Of course he would forgive us, Liam. It’s Louis.”

Liam took Zayn’s face in his own. “Louis loves you, he loves all of us. And he forgave us and things were better. Don’t let this guilt bring down your faith in him, okay? He’ll be okay.”

Zayn stared at Liam for a while, before finally nodding.

“Okay.” he whispered before continuing, “I’m sorry I shut down like that. I was just…it’s overwhelming.”

Liam released Zayn and nodded.

“It’s fine. Let’s get back to the other’s okay. I’m really worried about Harry.”

Their looks were grim as they walked back inside, to the area where Niall was still cradling an unresponsive Harry. They sat beside them, and waited. And then there was a commotion outside, the doors opening and the noise filling the waiting room until the doors shut again. Two pairs of rushed footsteps sounded, and they looked to see Eleanor and Danielle. The older woman was still in her dance gear, obviously having rushed to get there, and Eleanor had on two different pairs of shoes.

“Where is he?”

“What happened?”

Liam got up and Danielle rushed over, hugging her.

Eleanor stood wide eyed and nervous before she zeroed in on Harry. She quickly walked over and knelt down.

“Harry? Tell me what’s going on…where is Louis now, is he alright?”

He looked over at her and blinked slowly, looking as if he was struggling to process her words.

“Blood.”he whispered.

She cocked her head in confusion, her eyes widening further with worry.

“What?”she asked.

“He was bleeding.”he said louder. Danielle ripped herself from Liam’s arms and turned to face Harry.

“What do you mean by that?” the dancer asked. “Bleeding…where?”

“You know where.” said Harry.

Harry then slowly pushed Niall away and stood up, and for the first time they all got a good look of him and the blood that was all over his clothes, his hands, his shoes, and even some on his face.

“Oh God…oh…oh God.” gasped out Eleanor, who stumbled into an empty chair, her hand pressed to her chest.

Danielle paled visibly, and her knees wobbled, Liam reaching out to steady her.

“When did he tell you?”

Harry sighed shakily.

“He didn’t.”

“Then how-

“I saw the so…the picture. He doesn’t know.”he said.

He thought back to the picture, the tiny fragile life that was nestled comfortably within Louis…the life that might just have passed through his fingers, seeped into his clothes, dried onto him…

His breathing suddenly went from calm to rapid and he felt himself falling, Niall and Zayn just managing to shoot up and catch him.

“Breathe mate, Harry, breathe. Shhh Harry it’s okay-

“It’s. Not. Oh. Kay.” he spoke between gasps as Niall and Zayn held him tight.

Danielle slowly made her way over and sat on the ground beside Harry’s gasping form, and pulling him into a hug. He leaned into her and she gestured to the others to give them some room.

“Harry love, I’m going to need you to keep your calm and stay strong, alright? Because whatever the verdict is, when they tell us later on, Louis is going to need you. Don’t let this knock you down…stand tall and fight. I know you’re overwhelmed…we all are…but you’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met, and I need you to keep being that person.”

Harry cried softly.

“But it’s so hard…I…he’s my best friend and it’s killing me to see him like this…and God Danielle you didn’t see all the blood, and he…he fainted in my arms and…you keep telling me to stay strong and I’m trying…”

“And you’re doing so good love. So don’t break down now. Louis will pull through…but you need to be there to help him.”

“I’ll always be there…”

Danielle hugged him tighter. Harry curled into her embrace and found himself falling asleep rather quickly, exhausted. And then he was up again. How? He had just closed his eyes. There was shouting coming from outside. He recognized the voice immediately.

“What do you mean you can’t tell me the specifics? I am his mother! I have the right to know everything that’s going on!”

“Miss, please calm down. This is all I know, I don-

“Then get me someone who knows exactly what is happening right now, or so help me I will lose my-

“Jay!” Harry shouted, frightening Danielle who was still holding him.

The shouting stopped and in came Jay looking frazzled and terrified and furious all in one. Harry got up and ran over to her, and she took one look at his bloodied clothes before screaming. Her hands latched onto his shirt and she stared up at him in tears.

“Harry love what happened!? Where is he!? Where’s my baby!?”

“We think he’s still in surgery or whatever, we don’t know. They won’t tell us anything-

“Well let me go back out there and find out!”

She looked at the blood on his face, and paled even further.

“He was bleeding.” Harry whispered.

“From where?”

He bit his lip and nodded before saying, “I know about…it. I saw it in the bathroom.”

Liam, Niall, and Zayn looked around in confusion. That was the second time they said something about ‘knowing’, and they really had no clue what was happening.

“What are you talking about? You guys keep saying you know about whatever it is…do you all know something we don’t? About Louis?” asked Liam softly.

Harry glanced at Liam before looking back at Jay.

“He doesn’t know I know.” he whispered.

“Dani, do you know what’s going on?”

She played with the hem of her shirt nervously.

“Li I-

The door to their waiting room opened and in came a man with a white coat and a medical chart. The room silenced as they all turned to him.

The man surveyed each of them, and Harry took a deep breathe, closing his eyes and trying not to collapse. He just needed Louis to still be here…he needed him to be with them and…he couldn’t, he-

Jay hugged him to her, trying to soothe him and herself at the same time. Then he spoke.

“He lost a lot of blood, but we managed to get him stable. He’s in the ICU at the moment, and is unconscious. Luckily, the baby is alright at well-

“The what!?” asked Zayn, he, Liam, and Niall all having identical expressions of shock.

Eleanor’s hands shot up to her mouth, her and Danielle’s eyes locking.

“The baby?” clarified the doctor, before he looked around at the different facial expressions. He sighed.

“I don’t know what the situation here is, but you cannot, I repeat, cannot bring any strife and anger and the likes into Mr. Tomlinson’s room. Doctor Minnie, his appointed doctor from before, is in the room with him.”

The doctor then gazed over at Harry, before looking at Jay.

“Please direct that young man to a seat.”

Jay hadn’t realized that Harry had begun to sag, and that she was basically keeping him up. Niall and Zayn jumped up to help her sit him down, where the doctor made his way over. He did a quick check up, before stepping back.

“He needs to sleep. The stress of the day is catching up to him…” he trailed off as Harry began to tremble.

“In fact, he might have a bit of a delayed reaction, as he is clamming up. Check him in, and I’ll have a nurse direct him to a room. From there-

“I’m a nurse. I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize the signs…it’s my son in there and-

The doctor smiled to reassure her.

“Mrs. Tomlinson, it’s fine. I’m sure you know what to do then. You won’t be able to visit your son for a few hours, just to help him get settled into the room. During that time, it would be best if you found a way to get Mr. Styles here some clean clothes.”

She nodded.

“My name is Dr. Smite if you need anything, but Dr. Minnie should be around here soon enough. Thank you for your patience. A nurse is on the way.”

Zayn looked down, thinking about the joke Louis would have made…had he been there with them.

He walked out, leaving them alone in the room.

They all stared at each other, before Liam finally broke the silence.

“Louis is pregnant?” he whispered.

All eyes turned to him. Eleanor looked over at Danielle, not knowing what to say. Danielle sighed tiredly from her position on the floor.

“Liam, love-

“And you knew, didn’t you?”

“When did Louis even decide he was gay?” asked Zayn, before adding, "And why didn’t he tell us?”

“He was terrified...and he’s not gay.” mumbled Eleanor.

Zayn gave her a look of disbelief but refrained from commenting further on that.

“But pregnancy can’t be like..hidden. Especially not with us bein, you know, a band.” said Niall.

Liam dropped his head into his hands.

“What was he thinking?” he said.

Eleanor jumped up.

“Don’t blame him!” she yelled, her voice coming out louder than she’d intended.

And then the room erupted.

“Li, you don’t understand-

“Management is gonna kill us-

“Him-

And then Jay spoke.

“He almost died.”

Silence.

“And he almost lost the baby. You guys don’t know the whole story, and he needs time that we all know he really doesn’t have, but I need you guys to be there for him, please. Support my son. He loves and needs you, and your past treatment of him has been far less than what he deserved. I was going to say something to you all…to make you feel like he did, but I won’t. That’s the past. We are in the present. So please…don’t make him feel any worse than he needs to. You’re all he has.”

Just then, a new nurse walked in.

“I can take you and Mr. Styles to a room.” she said softly.

Jay nodded, before looking down at Harry.

“Harry baby, we’re going to get you cleaned up, alright? Can you stand up?”

It took a while, but Harry finally nodded, standing up and swaying slightly. Together, they made their way out, painfully slowly, until they made it to Harry’s room. Jay thanked the nurse before she directed him to the bathroom, sitting Harry on the toilet. Jay immediately began undressing him.

“Do you want me to wash you or can you do it yourself?” she asked softly.

His near vacant eyes bored into hers, the green oddly muddled.

“Alright, I’ll make this quick, okay?” she asked, before removing his shirt and pants, leaving him in his boxers. She took his phone from his pants pocket.

“Please put the password in.”

He stared at her, before slowly moving to take the phone, his fingers shaking as they input the code. Jay thanked him, before taking the phone and dialing Anne.

“Hello Anne, it’s me Jay. Sorry I haven’t answered any calls. Yes Louis is…well…he’s in a room now and we can’t see him yet but he’s alive. Harry is in a stress shock related state. He’s not really…here with us. We have him in a room, and I wanted to ask if I could bathe him. He’s covered in…Louis’ blood.”

Jay wiped at her eyes listening to Anne’s comforting words.

“Thank you Anne. I’ll take care of your darling, alright? I’ll keep you updated.”

Jay hung up, placing the phone beside the sink before moving to run the bath. She guided Harry into it, before grabbing a sponge and washing Harry’s face, chest, and arms. The blood had seeped through his clothing and was all over him, and before long, the water in the tub was pink. Jay focused on the task at hand instead of the fact that it was her son’s blood she was washing off of him. She dipped the sponge, running it over his stomach and legs, before pushing Harry forward and having him lean his head back to wash his hair out.

“Almost done baby, and then we’ll get you dry and in bed.”

He didn’t answer her, and she frowned, running her hands through his hair softly, and then having him stand up. She wet the sponge again, squeezing it over him and shutting off the water, reaching for the towel. Drying him quickly, she had him step out and placed the hospital gown on him, taking his hand and guiding him out of the bathroom into his bed.

He got in, and she helped him get settled, before kissing his forehead softly, wiping his tears.

“Just close your eyes Harry, alright?”

Within minutes, he was asleep.  
.  
.  
.

When Jay walked back out, she took note of a red headed woman talking to the group. She shut the door softly behind her, getting everyone’s attention.

“Hello, you must be Ms. Tomlinson. I’m Doctor Minnie Barnes. I’ve been working with your son, and probably will be for the duration of his pregnancy.”

She held out her hand, and Jay took it, shaking it.

“You can take a seat if you’d like."

Jay joined the others before they all turned their attention to the doctor.

“Now, straight to the point. Had Louis gotten here a moment later, we would have lost him.”

Their reactions ranged from a gasps to slumping to shocked silence.

“He nearly had a miscarriage, and lost an alarming amount of blood. Due to what? Well, while there aren’t always exact causes for things like this, I can tell you that a major factor was stress. Here’s the deal…this is a high risk pregnancy. Most male pregnancies are. They are unpredictable, and very often unstable. He was lucky.” she added softly.

Jay spoke up.

“So what can we do?”

“What you all need to do, as I’m sure you’ve all been told multiple times, is stand by him. I know who your son is, in fact, I know who all of you are, and it really isn’t an ideal situation for Louis, but not much can be done about it. But that’s the thing…something CAN be done. You need to limit the amount of stress he feels. Stress will be inevitable with his circumstances, but he needs to learn to manage it well. He’ll need to take it easy. Should he let himself get too stressed out…it has a very high chance of inducing early labor.”

They all gaped, horrified.

“And, that can lead to devastating effects, on both him and the baby.” she added.

It was silent, before Jay nodded.

“Alright…” said the exhausted mother.

“I will help Louis get through this as much as possible, to hopefully assure a much safer pregnancy. Please don’t hesitate to call. Monthly, and eventually weakly appointments will have to be made. If anything, have whoever is in charge of you guys as a band contact me, and we can schedule things out to make it easier for Louis.”

They all sat quietly, mulling things over. A quiet knock sounded before Simon returned, glancing at them all and then at Dr. Minnie.

“Oh, you have news about Louis then? I was attempting to get some control out there with the media and such. How is he?”

Dr. Minnie took in the majority of their terrified faces before nodding.

“Alright Mr. Cowell, if you come with me please, I’ll get you up to speed. The rest of you guys can take it easy. I’ll be back a bit later to I can take you to Louis. Right now, he really needs to rest.”

They nodded, and she and Simon headed out.

“Christ…” mumbled Niall, leaning back into his chair.

Jay got up, grabbing her bag.

“I’ll be back in a bit.” she said quietly, going to kiss them all on the cheek and leaving, her footsteps sounding softly as she left.

Liam turned to Danielle.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked.

“Remember that day, when Louis was in that weird daze, and when he woke up he asked to speak to me and El?”

They all nodded, even though she was talking to Liam.

“Well, he’d found out that he was pregnant, and that was why he was so out of it. He was shocked. So he’d told us in his room, and asked us not to say anything. He was afraid.”

“What did he have to be afraid of though? Why couldn’t he trust us with this?”asked Zayn tugging at his flattened quiff.

“Because he’d already been picking up on the fact that you guys were annoyed with him.” answered Eleanor, before she brought her legs up pretzel style on her seat.

“Who is the father?” asked Liam.

Eleanor and Danielle glanced at each other deciding quickly.

“That’s not our story to tell.” said Eleanor.

“No more secrets, Dani, please.”

“We don’t have the right, Liam. I won’t betray Louis’ trust like that. If it weren’t for the doctor, you still wouldn’t have known about the pregnancy. We were never going to tell.”

“So then how come Harry knew?” asked Niall.

“They’ve always been closer than us.” said Zayn.

“Harry found out by accident. Don’t play that card now.” snapped Danielle.

“When Louis wakes up-

“You’ll wait until he’s in the clear to talk to him, is what you’ll do. Remember what she just said? We can’t press him like that. At least, not yet.”

“That’s not really up to us. Management is going to rip him apart!” yelled Niall.

“Like they already haven’t…maybe that’s what did it for him. Her telling him that Louis…wasn’t worth it.”

They all looked to Liam.

“What happened in that meeting?”

“Dani it was horrible. They said his voice wasn’t worth it, and that he was talentless and he wouldn’t be missed if he left-

“Is he even still in the band?” asked Zayn.

Eleanor gasped.

“What?”

“He quit…”

“Simon won’t let him leave. Hopefully he’ll still be on our side when he finds out.”

“I am.”

They all jumped and looked over to see Simon at the door. He walked in, closing it behind him and taking a seat.

“I won’t go into detail about all of this now, but it’s obvious we’ll need to have another emergency meeting when it’s safe for Louis to attend. I understand that most of the time I’m really hard on you guys, but I do care about you boys. I’m going to head back out there to get things under control, and set up meetings. You can talk on twitter, obviously not about the whole situation, but give something that will help alleviate the panic. At this point, it’s not only about the band, but Louis’ life as well. I’ve already called someone to bring you all a change of clothes and such. Also, this room belongs to you until we leave, so you will be sleeping here. It’s to dangerous for you to leave. Keep calm, and stay strong. I’ll call and visit with updates.”

They all nodded, before Simon walked out.

“Christ…” said Niall, again.  
.  
.  
.

 

Before he opened his eyes, he let his hands slowly come up and trail his stomach, searching for that tiny bump no one had noticed but him. When he found his, it let his hands splay across it, before running them up and down softly.

He didn’t know why he was relieved.

He still didn’t know how he felt about having a baby.

But…it was an indescribably good feeling to realize that he hadn’t killed his child. That he might have screwed everything up, but that tiny little life inside of him was still there, fighting with him.

After staying still for a few moments, he opened his eyes, immediately landing on the figure of his mother, sleeping at his bedside.

He opened his mouth to call her, his voice coming out in a croak that left him coughing. Jay shot up, looking at him and grabbing the cup of water on the bedside table. She helped him sit up, placing the cup by his lips. He drained it quickly.

When he finished, she placed the cup back and they both stared at each other, before they slowly wrapped their arms around each other.

“Louis I was so worried…” she cried softly.

“It’s still in me…right? Did I lose it? I can still feel the bump but am I wrong?”

His heart monitor beeped loudly at how fast his heart had started to race.

Jay pulled away, lathering his tear-lined face with kisses.

“Yes boo...the baby is still with you.”

Louis sagged in her arms, and she held him tightly, even though it was an awkward position.

“The others are here and alright…except for Harry.”

Louis shot up, before falling back, feeling dizzy. He was so weak right now.

“What happened to him?” he asked, eyes wide with fear.

“He…the boys told me that he had found you in the bathroom, and held you, even when you passed out. You…he was covered in your blood, and I think the whole experience left him a bit traumatized. The doctor had him admitted, if only to have him sleep instead of have a full blown break down.”

“Oh, Harry…” whispered Louis.

“Yea…he’s still asleep. At least, last I checked. He’ll probably be fine by the morning.”

Louis nodded, settling back down in bed and holding his mother’s hand. He yawned deeply, his eyes fluttering.

“How long have I been out?” he asked.

“Quite a while, it’s late now. Get some more rest, alright? You take this night to yourself, and tomorrow you can deal with the boys and Dani and El.”

“They’re here too?”

“Of course.”

Jay kissed his cheek.

“Rest up. I’ll be back later.”

“Kay.” he mumbled, already nodding off.  
.  
.  
.

When he woke up again, it was to someone watching him. The room was dark, but he could make out a shadow and heavy breathing by his closed door.

He stayed still, watching to see if they would come closer, before gathering his wits.

“Who’s there?” he called out.

The figure jumped, before slowly moving closer. Their bare feet padded against the ground, and they walked somewhat unsteadily, to reveal a very exhausted looking Harry.

“Harry!” called Louis, reaching his hand out, minding his IV. Harry stopped by the foot of the bed, and Louis used the moonlight to get a good look at him.

Frankly, he looked like he should be in the ICU instead. His hair was a frizzy mess. Deep bags rested under his red-rimmed eyes, wide but oddly blank. He was also sweating.

“Harry?”

The younger boy just stared at him, trembling violently.

They both stared at each other, the only sound in the room beside Louis’ monitors being Harry’s ragged breathing. Finally, he spoke.

“I had a bad dream.” he said, in a blank tone of voice.

Louis nodded.

“You died…you died and I was all alone. You died and I was covered in blood and you were just…gone.”

Harry started shaking even more.

“Can I have your hand, Harry?”

Harry nodded, slowly lifting it and placing it in Louis, who squeezed as hard as he could in his weakened state.

“Can you feel that?” asked the older boy.

Harry nodded.

“That means I’m still here. You’re holding my hand, and I’m holding yours, and we’re both in this dark room, staring at each other. You’re awake…and I’m alive.”

Harry’s lip trembled, and he bit it.

“I can move over, and you can squeeze in and sleep with me. Would you like that?”

Harry nodded, afraid that if he opened his mouth, he’d start wailing, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to stop.

Louis carefully moved over in the bed, leaving just enough space for Harry to get in and curl up next to him. It was awkward, so Louis moved into Harry’s shaking form, the two wrapping their arms around each other as best as they could. Louis held Harry to him, cradling his head to his chest, while Harry wrapped his arms around Louis’ middle.

Louis felt his hospital gown getting more and more wet, and he ran his hands through Harry’s hair to comfort him.

“I thought I was gonna lose you Lou.” he cried.

Louis didn’t say anything, waiting for him to continue.

“You were…it was really bad and your blood was all over me and it was too much…and then you went limp and I thought-“he trailed off, hiccupping and gasping as he cried.

“I’m just really happy that you’re still here.”

He started to cry harder.

“Harry…don’t cry anymore…shh, I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere.”

He moved back, trying to wipe some of the curly haired boy’s tears.

“I’m trying too…but I can’t stop…” said Harry, laughing and sobbing at the same time.

Louis laughed softly, hugging him closer.

“Let it all out then.”

“But I’m getting you messy…”

“Don’t worry about that.”

Harry sniffled, staring at Louis, who stared back. Louis took note of the fact that Harry’s eyes looked a bit more…alive than they had when he first showed up. Much better.

“Can you sing for me, Lou?”

Louis frowned.

“Harry…you know I’m not go-

“She’s a liar. That lady was a stupid liar. You don’t need to listen to her. I think you’re amazing.”

Louis tugged lightly at Harry’s curls.

“You’re just saying that because-

“I think you’re magnificent. You always amaze me when you sing…”said Harry, still crying but not as hard as before.

“Harry…”

“Please Lou? It’ll help me feel better.”

Harry did that thing where he looked up at you with wide green eyes that made you want to give him the world.

“Okay…just for you.”

“Because you love me?”asked Harry softly.

“Because I love you.”

Louis stayed quiet for a while, before he opened his mouth and sang softly.

Harry recognized the tune of Skinny Love, and he listened to Louis’ soft voice, it bringing him a calm and comfort he’d been desperate for. He closed his eyes, his tears slowly ceasing, and his breathing evening out. Louis sang for Harry as best as he could, watching the younger boy fall asleep in his arms.

A feeling of contentedness came over him, and he relaxed, lulling off to sleep as well.

When Jay returned, she saw the two of them curled up together, and smiled softly. She didn’t need to stick around tonight.

They’d take care of each other.


	9. Chapter 9

Louis was awake, listening to the soft breathing of the sleeping boy curled up in his arms. His hand ran through Harry’s curls gently, as to not wake him but still provide the younger boy some extra comfort. Every once in a while, Harry would twitch or whimper, and Louis would start to sing again to help him relax again. 

It was quiet aside from the monitors, and it was calm, and Louis appreciated that.

He just needed this moment to himself, to think. 

He hadn’t lost the baby. That was a good thing, right?

The problem was the fact that he even considered anything else being good. He should automatically be okay with hearing that news.

He still had no idea what he was doing. He couldn’t understand what he felt anymore. He was NOT okay, and that scared him.

God he was so terrified. 

He sighed, cradling Harry closer, the younger boy snoring softly.

The door to his room opened, and he quickly closed his eyes, feigning sleep. A nurse walked in with a chart. She looked at him, and then Harry, before sighing, and checking his vitals. She moved over to his side, and picked up one of his hands, adjusting the IV’s in his arm and hand. After a few minutes, she was done, and she quietly exited, closing the door behind her. 

Harry sighed in his sleep, shifting a bit more, before his mouth opened in a broad yawn, his warm breath ghosting across Louis’ neck. His eyes fluttered open, and he looked around a bit before leaning up to stare at Louis, who was looking back down at him.

“You alright?” Louis asked quietly, running his hand through Harry’s hair. 

“I should be asking you that…” Harry mumbled, his voice deeper, him still being half asleep. “Are you in pain?” he asked.

Louis nodded his head no, and Harry let out a breath of relief.

“I’m just exhausted…feeling kind of weak.”

Harry nodded, before shifting himself out of Louis’ arms. Louis looked over, a little put out, but Harry just smiled, moving and angling himself and Louis so that he was sitting and leaning back on the pillows, Louis lying back on his chest. Louis looked back at Harry.

“How come you get to be back there?” he asked, pouting.

“I’m taller. Shush.”

Louis rolled his eyes, adjusting himself and moving back to be more comfortable, then leaning against Harry’s chest. 

Harry looked down at Louis’ arms, and the many wires hooked up to him, counting more than five.

“Using your height against me is cheating, Styles.”

“Oh, you love it.”

Louis brought his hand back to tug at Harry’s hair lightly, laughing quietly at the little squeak Harry let out. They both sat in silence, before hearing the sound of raindrops hitting the window.

“It’s pouring out there…” Louis muttered.

“The fans must be getting soaked.”

“Fans? What?”

Harry sighed. 

“Yea, they found out you were rushed to the hospital. It was crazy out there.”

Louis let his hands wander to his stomach, rubbing it lightly. Harry watched, biting his lip, before he slowly brought his hands to Louis’ stomach, moving them in a soft circular motion. Louis froze up.

“Harry?”

Harry didn’t answer, instead continuing to rub gently.

“Harry?” asked Louis again, this time his voice softer…more timid.

Harry bit his lip, and then took a huge breath. This was probably the best time to tell Louis that he knew. Get it out now while the two were comfortable and calm, and hopefully it would stay this way. Louis had a barrage headed his way. It would be better for him to know what was going on. Right. This was for the better. But it didn’t make Harry any less nervous. 

“When I was at your mum’s place, when we went to bed, you were using your bathroom, and one of your sisters was using the one in the hallway, so I went back downstairs to pee and other things. And um. I saw a paper there…”

Louis’ heart started to speed up, and it registered on the monitor beside his bed. He had a feeling he knew what was on that paper.

“It was a sonogram. It’s like…I wanted to believe it was Eleanor’s, but things started falling into place and I knew it was yours.”

Louis moved to get up, ready to crawl if he couldn’t find the energy because he needed to be anywhere but here…he couldn’t…no this was…Harry wasn’t supposed to know yet and-

Harry grabbed onto Louis’ wrists softly, but firm enough to hold him back.

“Louis, stop, just listen okay? I need you to calm down. Please calm down. Please…”

The older boy stopped struggling, and focused on breathing in and out and slow and calm and not exhausting himself further.

“I didn’t say anything at first because if you wanted me to know, you would’ve told me. And the boys.”

Harry moved forward and rested his head atop Louis’. 

“I’m not mad at you. I wasn’t then and I’m not now. I was mad at myself, for being such a shite friend when you needed me…especially with something like this. I was just a bit hurt, that you didn’t tell me. But I understand why you wouldn’t want to.”

‘No, you don’t,’ thought Louis, ‘you don’t understand at all. You have no idea, absolutely no idea.’

The older boy sat still in Harry’s arms. He could feel Harry’s heart beating fast against his back. He was probably scared.

“Lou…the boys know too. And Simon. The doctor told us.”

Louis remained still for about a minute of straight silence, before moving to press the nurse’s call button frantically. It only took a few moments before his nurse responded. 

She walked over to his bed, checking his vitals again quickly. 

“I need to pee.” he said softly, his voice void of any emotion at all. 

Harry flinched at the tone.

“Alright, let me help you get there. Do you feel well enough to go yourself?”

He nodded, and she helped him move on the bed until he was seated properly and in a position to stand easily. Harry moved to help Louis, but the moment his hand touched the other boy’s shoulder, Louis flinched. Harry’s heart sank, and he quickly moved back against the bed as far from Louis as possible. That hurt. The nurse adjusted some things on the machine he was hooked up too, allowing him movement. 

Louis managed to stand, wobbling slightly. The two slowly made it across the room, the nurse being much stronger than she looked, her balancing most of his weight. He dragged the IV stand with him.

“I can assist you if you wish.” she said, but he shook his head no, instead reaching out to balance himself on the edge of the sink.

“I’ll be alright.” he mumbled.

“I’m right outside the door.”

The door shut softly behind her, and Louis sighed deeply, looking into the mirror. 

He looked horrid. His face was sunken in, deep bags under his eyes, and he was so terribly pale. He reached his hand to trail across the mirror, before shakily bringing it to his face. His skin was dry, and he needed a little shave. 

Harry knew. He had known that whole time.

And now the boys knew. 

Simon knew.

Management knew.

He trembled, breathing harshly.

“Are you alright, Mr. Tomlinson?” came the nurse’s voice from outside.

“Yea…” he answered, his voice cracking.

Carefully, he made his way around to the toilet, pushing up the lid and seat. Using one hand, he held on to the bar beside the toilet to keep himself steady, and the other to pee. A burst of red came first. Was that blood? He watched as the red slowly faded, then changing to yellow as he finished. He shook, before staring down into the toilet numbly. 

It was like a sudden out of body experience. He could feel himself waking up in that hotel room, staggering to the bathroom, puking in the toilet. He felt the bone chattering cold, in his bones…even deeper, like his soul. He could see himself glancing in the toilet, getting in the shower, watching the blood and other things swirl…

The toilet zoomed out of focus, before the number of them multiplied and he didn’t realize he was falling until his shoulder collided with the wall. He barely managed to keep himself up. The sound attracted the nurse who immediately ran in, and rushed to help him before he truly collapsed.

Harry, hearing the commotion, jumped out of the bed. Vertigo hit him and he all but tumbled into one of the chairs by the bed, the world swirling dangerously around him, but he pushed through it, staggering into the bathroom. Everything became clear as he caught sight of Louis slumped over, his head lolling from side to side in the nurse’s arms. 

“Louis!” said Harry as he dropped to all floors, crawling to him, and grabbing his face in his hands.

“Lou-

“Mr. Styles. Do you have enough strength to lift him? I’ll move the stand along with you.”

Harry nodded, because hell yea he had enough strength. For Louis? Of course. He brought his hand under Louis’ knees, and another his armpit. He flinched as Louis’ head rolled back harshly.

“Sorry…” he mumbled under his breath, before he stood shakily and balanced himself with the added weight. Once he was sure he had a firm grip, he and the nurse quickly made their way back to the bed, Harry depositing him and the nurse hooking him back up to the machines. She then checked him over.

“Go outside please and ask for Dr. Minnie.”

Harry nodded, all but running barefoot and all.

“I need Dr. Minnie please!”  
.  
.  
.

Jay walked into the room where the rest of the group was sleeping, her hands filled with bags. She set them down softly, as to not jostle the contents.

“Guys? Wake up loves, I bought food.”

Liam was the first to stir, looking up blearily at Jay, before sitting up. He shook Zayn on his left, ad then Niall on his right. Danielle and Eleanor awoke next, the older of the two yawning and stretching. Jay took out the food and handed it out to them. The group mumbled their thanks, digging in.

“Louis woke up last night. I spoke to him. He’s doing alright.”

They all looked up at Jay.

“Can we go see him?” asked Eleanor.

“I think you should all be able to now. I’m going to go check up on him and Harry.”

“Was he alright when you put him in his room?” asked Zayn.

“He was out of it, but he fell asleep pretty quickly. And he seemed fine when I checked on Louis again.”

“Wait, they’re in the same room?” Eleanor asked, frowning.

“Yea, I think he spent the night. He probably woke up and went straight to Louis’ room. The poor thing was so worried.”

Danielle looked over at Eleanor.

“Can girls get guys pregnant?” asked Niall suddenly, and they all turned to him.

“What? No.” said Liam, snorting into his food.

Niall then looked over at Eleanor.

“Then………who is the father?”

Everyone in the room froze, before looking over at Eleanor, who looked at Danielle helplessly. 

“You’ll have to ask Louis that.” answered Danielle, biting her lip nervously. 

“But that would mean he cheated on you.” continued Niall, looking more and more confused. “I don’t get why you seem so…calm…”

Liam looked over at Danielle. 

“When I saw you guys in the hotel…he said he’d never. I…wait what the hell is going on?”

“We’re just finding all this stuff out guys. We don’t know the whole story. Let’s not freak out, yea?” said Zayn, keeping his cool.

Jay took this time to intervene. 

“Right. After Louis is discharged, I’m sure there will be a group meeting of sorts. You can all ask your questions there, but remember, you cannot stress him out.”

They all looked at her, before slowly going back to their food. Liam kept sending glances to Danielle, which she pointedly ignored. It just wasn’t her story to tell.

“Eleanor, Danielle, can I speak to you both please?” asked Jay, before getting up and leaving the room.

The two girls locked eyes before they stood, following her out.

Jay was leaning against a wall a few feet down, and they walked over to her, both nervous.

“I take it you both know the full story, yes?”

They nodded.

“Well, none of the other boys do, and I’d like it to stay that way, until Louis is ready to tell them. Can I trust you to abide by that?”

“Of course. We promised him we wouldn’t say a word.” said Danielle, Eleanor nodding as well. 

“Thank you. You’ve both done so much for him, and I really appreciate it.” said Jay, moving to hug them both. 

They all embraced each other, before walking back toward the room, only to catch sight of Harry and Doctor Barnes running down the hallway.

The three looked at each other before Jay rushed after them. Eleanor and Danielle quickly ran back to the room.

“I think something happened with Louis.” Eleanor yelled, and all the boys jumped up, the group running out of the room. Danielle and Eleanor led the way, running in the direction they saw the others go to.

They could hear Louis’ voice coming from a room a few feet down.

“I’m telling you I’m fine, Mum. It was just a dizzy spell.”

The group rushed over, stopping by the front of the door, peering in.

“I couldn’t get a response out of you for two minutes, Mr. Tomlinson.” said the nurse, checking the machines.

Dr. Minnie was also nearby, along with a shaking Harry and Jay.

The red headed doctor observed Louis closely, before speaking up. 

“Were you thinking of anything when you fell?” she asked.

Louis froze before looking up at her, his posture defensive. He could see her analyzing him, and he wasn’t crazy. Yea…sometimes his mind got a little weird but he was FINE.

“No.” he answered sternly.

“I can’t help you if you don’t tell me, Louis.”

“Then that’s all the better for you, love, because I’m fine.”

She watched him for a moment, before nodding. 

“Alright. Then since you’re awake, and obviously feeling much better, let’s talk about what happened, and precautions, procedures, etc.”

She then turned around.

“You guys, just wait out there. Let me talk to him and then the room is all yours if he allows it.”

Louis gasped at the sight of all his friends by the door. He started to smile before remembering that they knew everything, and his stomach dropped. He watched as the nurse herded them away from the door, and shut it behind her. Now it was only him, his mother, Dr. Minnie, and….Harry.

Harry!

He turned and spotted him shaking in a corner of the room, clutching at his hospital gown and pale. 

“Harry, love, c’mere.” 

Harry shook his head.

“Harry, I’m not mad. I was just a little shocked, okay? Please?”

Harry slowly walked over.

“But you fainted in there and-

“That was just a dizzy spell Hazza. I’m okay.”

Sometimes Harry would shut down and he would stay away and Louis really needed Harry to stick around right now because he could count on like one hand how many people truly supported him and knew what was going on and if Harry left it didn’t matter how many others stayed…he would crumble and everything would just get even worse and-

Harry took Louis’ hand in his.

He could see Louis saying he was okay but if Harry looked close enough he could tell that Louis was anything but. 

“Alright.” said Harry.

Dr. Minnie and Jay looked at each other before Jay moved over to Louis’ other side, grabbing his right hand. 

“Harry, could you leave for a moment so I can talk to Louis and his mother?”

“No.” said Louis, gripping Harry’s hand tighter.

She nodded. 

“Alright. That’s fine.” 

She smiled softly at the two, before asking, “Is he the father?”

They both froze, before shaking their heads no with wide eyes, the taller of the two blushing fiercely. 

“Okay. Well, let’s get to it then. Louis, statistically speaking, majority of male pregnancies are high risk. Up until this accident of sorts, you were in the green range. Now you’re in yellow, borderline red, if that makes sense.”

Louis nodded tensely. 

“You almost lost the baby, Louis. We believe it had something to do with stress.”

Stress? Stress almost killed his…the…it…

“Stress causes many types of illnesses. That and they are often a heavy contributor. What you need to understand Louis, is that your entire body is working full time to care for the baby inside of you. Your body is changing, molding, making way. Stress is a burden, of sorts. When your mind is hurting, and burdened, it takes its toll on the rest of the body…and in this case, a body that really needs to focus on the baby. Now, I’m not telling you that stress in unavoidable. You and I know that that’s impossible, especially in your line of work. But there are ways to help you deal with the stress you will probably end up feeling.”

Louis nodded slowly, his grip on his mother’s and Harry’s hand tightening. 

“Things like talking to people. Don’t bottle things up. Perhaps a psychologist-

“I’m not crazy.”

Jay spoke up.

“Louis love, talking to a professional doesn’t mean you’re crazy-

“It will if the fans find out. So that’s out of the option.”

“But Louis,” cried Jay, “This is to help you. And this really could help.”

“No!”

Professionals meant digging, and they’d tear him apart and inspect him from the inside out, and they’d have the full story in a few hours. They’d figure everything out and then probably tell others for his safety or something like that and then more and more people would find out about what happened at the hotel and…there was hardly such thing as true confidentiality in this business anymore and the world could find out and that just couldn’t happen. He couldn’t handle it if that happened. It would ruin him. So no professionals. Ever. 

The doctor watched the exchange before continuing. 

“There are other options you could take. I’d rather not give out any medication. Breaks in between work, getting away for a while, that sort of thing…”

Harry listened to her drone on, before he thought back to something she said. When she asked if he was the father. Who was the father? Was Louis gay? He would have told him, right? But then, that would mean that Louis cheated, and Harry knew with all his heart that Louis was not a cheater. Sure he cheated in their silly games they played, monopoly and all that. But, on Eleanor. Louis was nothing but respectful. He would never cheat on her. When Liam had accused Louis, Harry knew that Liam had been wrong, because Louis was not a cheater. He just wasn’t. So how…how could he be pregnant? There was an answer. Harry was wracking his brain, searching and sifting, because the answer was there somewhere. There were signs, and moments that he’d witnessed and experienced with Louis lately that had the answer hidden… the answer was there, but he just couldn’t get to it. It was like there was a door. It was locked, and something horrid was being given off. Something so terrible and so vile that his brain had closed it off from him. It didn’t make sense. What was the answer? The truth? What happened?

Harry snapped out of his thoughts and turned his attention back to Louis’ doctor.

“Louis, should things get too hard for you, you need to take a step back and rest. Because at this point, any severe stress has the possibility of triggering early labor. And that could kill the both of you.”

Louis’ eyes widened. He thought back to that feeling, of sitting in his own blood, helpless on the floor, and in agony. He never wanted to feel that way again. 

“Okay…” he whispered, looking down at his lap.

Dr. Minnie went on to talk about continuing his prenatals, making frequent doctor’s appointments, his diet, and proper communications between her and management. 

Jay jumped in at this point to help out, letting Louis take some time out and think for a bit. The two women conversed, Jay taking out her phone and adding those things to her memos. Harry crawled into the bed, sitting at the end of it, opposite Louis, and linked their hands together.

“You okay?” asked Harry softly.

Louis shrugged.

“Talk to me boo.”

“Later, I guess. Do you know where my phone is?” he asked, changing the subject.

Harry thought back, trying to remember.

“Oh, it was in my pocket. I think Jay has my clothes…”

They both looked up at Jay who was still talking to Dr. Minnie, although in much quieter tones. 

After watching the two for a while, they both turned back to each other.

“Are you ready to talk to the others?”

Louis sighed. “Not really.”

“You’re not obligated to…”

Louis took their conjoined hands, linking their fingers together instead of just holding.

“I know Harry. But at this point they deserve to know what’s going on.”

Harry stared down at their hands, before looking back up at Louis. He took in the sight of him, pale and exhausted, hair matted down, lips dry…and still so strikingly beautiful. He swallowed thickly, before glancing down at the small baby bump visible in the thin cotton of the hospital gown.

 

“Can I touch it…again, I mean?”

Louis went still, staring at Harry. It took him a while to answer, him not really knowing what to say. After a while, he managed a small nod. Harry removed his fingers from Louis, before slowly moving forward. He looked at Louis again, and then reached, pressing his hands flat against Louis’ stomach gently. Louis fisted his hands in his sheets, staring down at the boy who in turn was staring at his belly in wonder. Harry moved his hands around, before settling on one spot, leaning his head down to rest his forehead against it.

“Hi there…” he whispered. 

Louis watched wide-eyed, before he brought his trembling hands up to Harry’s hair, running his hands through it. It felt so strange. He didn’t know what this was…what he was feeling…why his heart was beating so fast.

He suddenly yanked at Harry’s hair, tugging him upwards so he could stare at him. Harry opened his mouth to complain, but stopped at the look in Louis’ eyes. They were wild, open wide and bright and he noticed how much Louis was shaking. Louis slowly pulled Harry forward and pressed their foreheads together. 

“Do you want me to stop?” asked Harry, referring to his touching Louis’ baby bump.

“No…” whispered Louis.

They remained like that for a few moments, Louis breathing heavily while Harry rubbed his hands in a smooth calming motion.

Then they moved apart, staring at each other. Harry swiped his thumb against Louis’ cheek, wiping away a tear Louis didn’t even know was falling. He brought his hands to his face, rubbing it, willing the tears to go away, because why was he even crying? He pulled up his hospital gown and used it to dab the rest of them away, before looking at Harry with watery eyes and pink cheeks.

“I’m okay…” he mumbled.

Harry stared for a moment longer before nodding, and they both turned to see Jay and Dr. Minnie watching them, Jay with a smile, and Dr. Minnie with a rather intent look on her face.

“Whenever you’re ready, you can bring your friends in.” she said, before signaling to Jay. “Can I speak to you outside?” 

Jay nodded. She walked over to Louis again and planted a soft kiss on his cheek, and then left with the doctor, closing the door behind her.

Dr. Minnie turned to Jay, “Just a moment”, before walking to where the group was standing awkwardly. 

“Technically, I should be waiting until Louis is moved out of the ICU to let you all in, but I’ll let it slide, if you promise not to agitate him, and stay quiet. Can you do that for me?”

They all looked at each other before turning to her and nodding/

“Good. Harry will probably come out to let you all in. Wait until then please.” she said. “Jay?”

Jay walked over, and the two made their way down the hall.

.  
.  
.

“Whenever you’re ready, I’ll get them.”

Louis sighed, moving to rest back against his pillow. Harry got off the bed so Louis could pull the sheets up. 

“I guess you could let them in.”

“Lou…I need a solid answer.” Harry whined.

“Fine…yes Harry.”

“Good.” said Harry, smiling. 

He turned around and walked out, looking around before he spotted the group.

“Guys…” he whispered loudly, and they all turned toward him before rushing over.

“Woah woah wait. You guys know about like, not freaking him out and all right?”

“Yes, we know. Can we go, please…” said Niall, eager to see Louis looking, you know, alive.

Harry laughed and let them in. Everyone except Zayn rushed in, stopping once they made it inside. They took in how fragile Louis looked. Louis stared at them, frozen as well. Nobody knew what to say.

And then suddenly, Zayn stormed in, shoving his way past everyone. 

“You asshole.”

They all jumped, looking horrified.

“You didn’t say a damn thing about this, and we ignored you for like 2 weeks. Who friggin ignores their pregnant friend? Do you know how much of a dick I feel like right now?”

They all watched Louis, awaiting his reaction. He stared at Zayn with wide eyes, and then burst into peals of laughter, holding his arms out for Zayn to hug him. Zayn rushed over, embracing him, trying to be mindful of the wires.

“You’re such an asshole Louis.” he said, muffled by Louis hospital garb. 

“And you’re a dick, right? So it all works out.” Louis replied, hugging him tightly. 

He heard Zayn sniffle, and Louis hugged him tighter.

“Zayn… don’t cry. I’m okay. Shh, Zayn.”

“I thought you were gonna die. You’re my partner in crime…”

Louis heard other sniffles, and he looked up to see everyone near sobbing.

“Guys…I’m okay. Guys no…don’t cry for me…”

And then Louis started crying too. 

“I’m sorry guys,” he sobbed, “I...I just didn’t…crap I can’t even talk…”

He signaled for the others to come, so they pulled chairs over, and a few of them crowded on the bed and even sat on the floor, all hysterically sobbing.

“You’re such a moron.” cried Liam.

“I know…”

“Crap…” Liam placed his head in his hands.

Eleanor made her way over, placing her hand in his hair, since his hands were occupied with Zayn, softly running her fingers through it. 

She smiled at him through her tears, and he smiled back, before glancing at Harry, who was watching them. His smile dropped a bit when he saw the look on Harry’s face. He didn’t know how to decipher it…

It took them a while, but they finally managed to calm down a bit, having failed three times due to someone randomly bursting into tears and causing a chain reaction. 

Zayn pulled back, wiping his eyes. 

“I’m really glad you’re alive.” he whispered.

“Me too…”

Zayn rolled his eyes before pulling him in for a quick kiss on the cheek.

The group sat in silence, occasional sniffles breaking out. 

And then Niall broke that silence.

“Wait, so does the baby pop out of your willy or your arse?” he asked suddenly. 

Stunned, they all turned to look at him, and then Louis, who stared at Niall gaping.

Danielle sniggered, and triggered everyone bursting into loud laughter.

“Shhh guys…” said Harry between giggles, “We have to be quiet…”

Louis clutched his stomach through his laughter, and Harry smiled, watching him. He looked a lot better already. His eyes looked bright again, his skin more of that pretty glow he was so used to.

Yes, this was good. 

“Niall I have no idea…crap what if I have to shite out this kid?”

Danielle and Eleanor looked at each other. He still referred to the baby as something other than what it was, or not being his in general. 

“Just imagine pooping on the birthing table to make it easier.” laughed Zayn.

“I’m sure it’ll be more painful than that…”

“Constipation?” asked Liam, and they all laughed again.

“Would a laxative make birth easier then?” asked Harry.

Niall squealed and held on to his side, red with laughter.

“Eww no Harry…” said Louis, horrified. 

Harry pouted, and Louis blew a kiss at him.

“But like…it’s better than the willy though, right? Wouldn’t that like…explode?”

All the boys blanched at Liam’s question. 

“Let’s not think about that thanks…” said Louis, cringing.

They quieted down for a moment, and again Niall broke the silence.

“Dicksplosion…”

And they were all laughing again, trying and somewhat failing to keep quiet in the cramped room.

“I really missed you all. Thanks for coming and all…”said Louis after they managed to calm down again.

“Really though Louis. Where else would we be?” asked Danielle.

Louis blushed and looked down at his hands. 

“I love you all…” he mumbled.

They all said it back, smiling.

“Can I touch your stomach?” asked Zayn.

Louis looked over at him, biting his lips because it was still a really weird feeling, but he nodded, and Zayn leaned over to feel it gently.

“It’s so small…” he whispered.

“I’ll be big as a house soon enough…”

They all watched as Zayn stared down at his hands splayed against the older boy’s abdomen. 

“Why didn’t you tell us, Louis?” asked Liam quietly. 

Zayn stilled, before leaning back.

Louis sat quietly for a moment, thinking about what to say.

“I…I was afraid, I guess. I mean…how to go to your band-mates in the most popular band in the world at the moment and say you’re knocked up? That you’ve screwed everything up in one of the worst possible ways and that you probably ruined everything?”

“No way Louis.”

Louis looked over at Niall.

“You’re not a screw up. And everything’s not ruined. We can work through this.”

“But I quit right? You don’t really have to-

“Shut up. You’re still with us.” added Zayn. “We’re not One Direction without you, as cheesy as it sounds. That witch in the meeting was wrong.”

“You have to be…I can’t…guys I’m knocked up…in a boy band. That’s a mess.”

“Aren’t we all a mess though? We’ll just work through it…” said Harry, chiming in from his spot in the chair. 

“But what if everything goes to hell?”

“Then we go down together.” Liam replied, smiling.

Niall looked over at Eleanor, before looking at Louis and opening his mouth to speak. Danielle caught sight of that, and had a feeling what he was about to ask, but it was clear to her Louis wasn’t ready for that. She quickly signaled to him not to say anything. He looked over at her, confused, but she shook her head no, mouthing to him to wait until later. He stared at her before nodding back. 

“Thank you guys…for sticking with me and all…” he whispered. 

“Oh shush. We love you silly.” said Eleanor from his side, grabbing his hand.

The mood had gone somber, and they all sat in silence, thinking about everything that was said. 

And then without warning, the door opened revealing Dr. Minnie and Jay, having returned from their talk. They all jumped before staring.

“How is everything?” asked the doctor, smiling at them.

Louis’ head suddenly shot up. 

“Doctor Minnie! Does the baby come out of my willy or my arse!?” 

Her eyes widened comically in shock, and that expression was enough to have the room rolling with laughter once more.

Harry looked around at all of his friends, and his Louis, happy and red faced with laughter.

Yes, this was perfect.  
.  
.  
.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for taking so long.
> 
> This chapter is a mess and so am I.


	10. Chapter 10

“Louis, you up?”

Louis turned from where he was peeking out the window, to see Harry with a thermos in his hand.

“Hey love, I’m up. Just peeking out. There are like a thousand people out there. I feel bad. People come to a hospital for like…good health and quiet vibes.”

Harry smiled.

“Well, look what I got you.” Harry said in a sing-song voice.

He handed the thermos to Louis, who gave him a slight look of confusion before opening it and taking a whiff.

“Oh Harry, is this Yorkshire Tea?” he asked, smiling before taking a sip.

“Yup. I managed to persuade Paul to let me sneak out with him to get some.”

Louis stood up from his chair and gave Harry a hug, mindful of the wires and his IV’s.

“Bless you. This hospital tea has been killing me.” He took a quick sip before adding, “The food in general, really.”

Harry nodded, before grabbing another chair and sitting beside Louis.

“So…when did they say you could leave?” Harry asked.

“Later today, actually.”

Harry lit up.

“Really?”

“Yea, I’ve regained most of my strength, and my appetite is a lot better than it was. And um…it’s also…healthy.”

Harry looked over at him, before staring at the closed curtains.

“It?” he asked.

Louis looked down at the steaming thermos in his hands.

“The um…the baby.”

“Hm.” muttered Harry.

“What?” Louis asked, still staring down.

“Um…you do that a lot…you call the baby…it and um…this kid and um…I think you called the baby a thing once and that’s…”

Louis’ grip tightened on the thermos, his knuckles turning white.

“That’s what Harry? What’s wrong with what I call it?”

“Calling your baby an it…and a thing…that’s not-

“Well luckily it’s mine, so you don’t have to worry about it.”

Harry flinched, before taking out his phone and scrolling.

“Oh, ok.” he mumbled, keeping his focus on his phone.

Louis cursed under his breath, flopping back against his chair.

“Harry, I…I’m sorry. It’s just a lot and um, my hormones are freakin...”

“Don’t worry about it.”

Louis frowned, taking another sip of his tea, sighing softly as the warmth traveled down. He glanced at Harry a few times, who was sitting stiffly in his seat, pointedly looking at his phone.

“Harry…I’m um…I’m still at a point where I’m um…I’m trying, and I know it doesn’t look like I am but I am-and it’s…I don’t um…I-

Harry turned to him, reaching over and smoothing his frizzed hair down softly.

“You don’t have to explain yourself. Move at your pace, okay? So it’s alright. Don’t worry about it.”

His hand trailed down, cupping Louis cheek. They stared at each other, before Louis nodded softly, blushing lightly.

Harry smiled, releasing Louis and going back to his phone.

“How are the fans doing?” asked Louis, finishing off his tea, grabbing the thermos cover and screwing it on.

Harry shrugged. “They’re alright I guess. Really worried. Maybe you should shoot a tweet out, tell them you’re better. There’s only so much we can tell them before they want to hear from you directly.”

Louis nodded, before pulling back his curtain, pushing his window open, and leaning out.

“Hi!!” he yelled, getting their attention.

Immediately, they started to scream, and camera flashes started going off. 

He waved at them, pulling his IV machine closer so he wouldn’t rip out the wires. 

Harry gaped.

“Lou! I said tweet!”

Louis turned back at him, laughing.

“You said they should hear from me directly.” he replied, giggling. “Come say hi, Haz.”

Harry rolled his eyes, before joining Louis at the window, holding Louis carefully as he tended to lean to far out windows without knowing. Attracted by the renewed screams, Zayn and Liam walked in, smiling and rushing over to the window, waving. 

From behind them, Niall snuck in and crawled on the floor quietly, springing up and scaring the hell out of the other boys there, making them all jump, before laughing. Niall smiled brightly, waving wildly and screaming at the crowd. Danielle and Eleanor came next, giving small waves and keeping off to the side, letting the boys have a rare moment with the fans. Jay slipped in, giving Louis a kiss on the cheek, getting ‘awes’ from the crowd, before joining the girls at the side.

Louis leaned against the window softly, closing his eyes and breathing in the outside, not minding the rain wetting him. He opened them again, and stared intently at the crowd, noticing that a majority of the fans were crying. Frowning, he reached back and grabbed his phone, sending out a tweet.

@Louis_Tomlinson: Please don’t cry for me. I love you guys so much :)

They screamed even louder, shouts of ‘I love you toos’ calling from all over. The boys all tweeted the fans, communicating with them, laughing when one of the fans they answered happened to be in the crowd and went wild. Harry left to retrieve a blanket, covering Louis with it to keep him warm. Louis turned to pout but Harry looked pointedly at him and them his stomach, and Louis nodded, wrapping it tighter around him. 

Louis spent the better part of an hour communicating with the fans, blowing kisses and tweeting ‘I love yous’ and overall just having a special moment with them that they hardly ever got to have. Harry paid close attention to Louis as he did this, getting him a chair when he started relying on the windowsill to keep him up, and getting him pillows to lean back on when he started slouching and unconsciously rubbing his back. Louis noticed these things, storing them in a part of his brain appropriately labeled, “Little Things Harry Does That Make Me Feel Nice and I Don’t Know Why”. 

He peered at Harry from the corner of his eyes frequently, blushing when he noticed that Harry was looking back at him. After a while, he pointedly ignored Harry, focusing all his attention on the fans. He could still feel the weight of Harry’s gaze on him, and he fumbled with his phone as he replied to fans.

Why was he so…nervous?

It was just Harry. Harry that he had almost kissed a little while ago. Louis shook his head, refusing to think about that almost kiss. Because nope. 

A knock sounded and the group turned to see a nurse walk in. She took in the sight and rolled her eyes fondly.

“Mr. Tomlinson, could you please get back in bed? Your doctor will be in here shortly, and she’ll do a last checkup before we’ll see to getting you discharged.”

Niall whooped happily, causing the group to laugh.

Louis waved goodbye to the fans, before standing up and walking to the bed, hissing in pain. He sat before looking down at his feet. 

“Haz…do my feet look...pudgy to you?”

Everyone in the room turned to stare at them.

“Yea…” Harry answered, reaching out to poke one of them.

“Not to worry Mr. Tomlinson. Slight swelling of feet is common in most pregnancies.”

Louis pouted, wiggling his toes a bit before bringing his legs up into the bed, getting under the covers. Harry grabbed the pillows from Louis’ chair and placed them back on the bed, fluffing them a bit. Louis smiled up at him and made himself comfortable. The nurse went over to the window, staring in awe at the amount of people there before shutting it, and pulling the curtains closed. 

“Dr. Minnie will be here shortly. Try not to cause too much of a ruckus now.” the nurse said, smiling at them before walking out and shutting the door behind her softly. 

Jay separated herself from her, Eleanor, and Danielle’s muffled conversation in the corner, moving to sit on the edge of Louis’ bed.

She kissed the top of his head, pulling him to rest on her shoulder.

“How do you feel?” she asked.

“I’m alright. Aside from my fat feet.”

“They look like little piggies.” giggled Zayn from across the room.

Louis mock glared. “Hush.” he muttered. “How are the girls?”

“They’re alright. A little shook up. They want to see you for themselves. The media’s been running a lot of crazy stories even though we made multiple statements saying you’re alright.”

Louis sat up, staring at Jay.

“Crazy stories?”

“As in, you eloping with Eleanor or something like that.”

Louis visibly relaxed, his eyes straying to watch Eleanor talk with Danielle. She looked beautiful, her brown hair in a messy bun. His favorite hairstyle on her was when she curled hit. Just thick brown curls cascading down her back. Thick brown curls, short and unruly, dark and soft, the way he shook them out right after their stylist spent ages perfecting it, the way they poked out of his beanies and snapbacks. Harry’s hair was his favorite. 

Louis’ eyebrows furrowed at the path his thoughts had suddenly taken. 

“You could just call them, like I said before…” mumbled Jay, breaking Louis out of his thoughts. 

He shook his head no.

“I sound ghastly, and them hearing my voice won’t really help. They want to see me. When we get back home, I’ll Skype them.”

Jay nodded, opening her mouth to say something else when a soft knock sounded, interrupting her.

They all turned to look at the door as it opened, revealing Dr. Minnie. She stepped in, shutting the door and smiling at the group.

“So, I’m sure you’re eager to get out of here.” she spoke, looking at Louis.

“Hell yeah.”

“Alright, let’s make this as quick as possible.” 

She proceeded to take his vitals, ask how he was feeling, and press her hands against his stomach, feeling around.

“Alright, that should do it. You’re in relatively good health, much better than when you came in, that’s for sure.”

Louis nodded, releasing a breath he definitely didn’t remember holding. 

“His feet are swollen.” Harry said, speaking up form the side.

“Are they? Could you let me see them really quickly?”

Louis obeyed, poking his feet out from under his sheets. Dr. Minnie looked them over, before nodding.

“That’s normal. However, should they swell to an extreme, come in immediately. It’s a sigh of preeclampsia, which is quite dangerous.”

Louis nodded, pulling his feet back in.

“Now, I have these pills here; new prenatals that will help. They’re simple to take, and please try to take them everyday. “

Louis took the small paper bag from her, holding it in his lap. 

“A nurse will be back in to unhook you from your IV. Don’t hesitate to call if you have questions, and that sort of thing.”

“Thank you.” said Louis, before adding, “You helped save my life…something tells me this won’t be the last time.”

Dr. Minnie shook her head.

“Let’s hope it’s the last. You be careful now alright? Remember what I told you. It should all work out.”

She smiled at them before heading out the door. True to her word, a moment later and the nurse from before walked in.

“Let’s get you off those IV’s love.”

Louis held up his hand and she took it, gently removing the needles from his skin. He flinched slightly, and she patted his hand softly, grabbing a few band-aids and placing them on the small holes.

“All done. Do you want a chair to leave?”

“A chair?” asked Louis, rubbing the band-aids, still feeling a bit of the sting.

“A wheelchair.”

“No no no no no. That would…how bad would that look Haz?”

“This is for you Louis. For your safety. Don’t worry about that.”

They all turned to stare at Liam, who sat up from where he was slouching lazily in one of the chairs with Zayn and Niall. 

“Yea but the fans are already worried. How will they react when they see me in a chair?”

“Don’t worry about that-

“How the hell can I NOT worry about that, Liam?”

“It might work out for the best anyways, because there’s bound to be shoving and all, and it’s better if you’re sitting down so you can’t fall.” added Zayn, trying to diffuse some of the tension. 

“And then what? I sit in a wheelchair for the rest of my pregnancy? Everywhere we go? To signings? And rehearsals? And to like, go across the street for a cuppa at the café? I don’t think so.”

“Lou-

“I’ll walk.”

“Louis, listen-

“I. Said. I’ll. Walk.”

Louis crossed his arms and turned his head, signaling the end of this conversation.

The group sighed, before the nurse took that as her cue.

“I’ll leave you to it then. Bye Mr. Tomlinson.”

“Chow.”

She smiled and walked out, leaving the, to themselves. 

Louis immediately set to getting out of bed, grabbing his new pair of clothes that were placed on his bedside table. Jay moved to help him, but he shrugged her off.

“I’m fine. I can walk.”

She nodded, but hovered nearby. Harry also stood up, stepping closer. Louis sighed, before he got to his feet and slowly made his way to the bathroom. Somehow it was easier with the IV stand to help balance him. He ignored Harry who was standing behind him, following closely. Finally at the bathroom door, he nodded at Harry and stepped in, shutting the door behind him. Quickly, he sat on the toilet, watching his legs tremble.

He hated feeling this weak. Shrugging out of his hospital gown, Louis reached for a navy blue jumper, which looked new.

“Must be Lou’s doing...” he mumbled to himself.

He pulled it on, and then grabbed the sweats, which was a welcome choice. He didn’t think he could handle anything too tight fitting just this moment. A pair of Vans was next, and he pulled them on, wincing at how tight they were due to the swelling of his feet. 

And yes, there was a beanie there. He pulled it on his head, before standing up and glancing in the mirror.

He was still a bit pale, and his eyes seemed rather dull, but other than that, he looked…yea he was lying to himself. He still looked a mess. And felt a mess. And was a mess.

He clenched his fist tightly, resisting the urge to punch the mirror, instead turning away from it and walking to the door, opening it. Harry was standing there, and Louis watched as the taller boy’s eyes trailed him from head to toe.

“You look good.” he said quietly.

Louis blushed slightly, swatting at Harry,

“Don’t lie.” he mumbled.

“It’d be a lie to say you didn’t.”

Louis stared up into Harry’s eyes, before reaching out to hug him, hiding his face in Harry’s neck.

“Thanks.” he mumbled.

“Always a pleasure.”

“Shut up.”

“You like my voice though.”

“I love your voice.”

“Then I won’t shut up.”

“Oh my God Harry, shush.”

“Is it upsetting you?”

“No…”

“Then no.”

“No?”

“No shushing.”

Louis leaned back from Harry’s neck, peering up at him.

“Seriously?” he asked, his cheeks still a bit red.

“So serious.” answered Harry, looking down.

“You’re such a joke.” Louis mumbled, pinching Harry slightly, from where his hands still rested at his waist.

“I just said I was serious though.”

“Must you have a comeback for everything?”

Harry giggled.

“I dunno, I kind of like the role reversal here.”

“Role reversal…makes me think of roleplay.”

“Fitting.”

“Why?”

“I like it when you take control.”

“Cheeky.” laughed Louis, rolling his eyes.

“Kinky.”

“That your thing then?”

“Depends.”

“On what?”

“If you’re the one giving the commands.” 

Louis’ eyes widened, and his cheeks flamed up again. He watched Harry’s eyes drift to his lips and back, multiple times in a rapid succession. Louis licked his lips that suddenly went dry at the attention Harry was giving them, before Harry turned and looked away, his cheeks turning red. Louis blinked, and followed his gaze, only to see everyone in the room staring wide eyed at them. He looked around the room, eyes landing on Eleanor, before he quickly glanced away.

He didn’t want to know what type of look she had on her face.

Nothing made sense right now.

He reluctantly separated from Harry, stepping away from him and turning to face their audience.

“Let’s get out of here.”

That seemed to shake everyone from their stupor, and they all stood up, gathering their things. In a moment, they were all ready, and like it was instinct, they all formed a sort of barrier, Louis being in the middle. He chose not to say anything, instead focusing on walking, as his energy level was still a lot lower than he was used to. They all moved together, arriving at the front desk. Louis signed a few papers, and then turned to the group. He opened his mouth to ask what was next, when Paul rounded a corner.

“Paul!” yelled Louis happily, walking a quickly as he was able to embrace the older man.

“Glad to see you’re doing better.” laughed Paul, hugging Louis carefully.

“I didn’t realize how much I missed you.” 

Paul tugged at Louis’ beanie carefully, before releasing him and grabbing his shoulders.

“That crowd out there is looking at you like you’re the second coming.”

“Wha-

“Listen to me Louis. We’ve barely managed to control them. People have been out here for days. They’re going to try and be all over you. The amount of paparazzi outside is mad, and I think there’s a news copter and a few news crews around too. Keep your head down, don’t say a word, and we’re going to shove our way through as quickly as possible. They don’t know about Little Louis in there, and we’re trying to keep it that way until you’re ready to tell them, or whatever management decides.”

Louis nodded, wide-eyed and suddenly extremely nervous. He looked around, just noticing that everyone else had crowded around to listen.

“There are three vans, and you’re all going into the middle one. Yes, you can all fit.”

Paul touched the ear piece in his ear, looking off to the side as he focused on what was being said.

“Gotcha.” he said. “Alright, let’s go.”

They crowded around Louis, Paul taking the front, before walking out the glass doors. Immediately, screams erupted, and flashes went off, people shouting questions and shoving trying to catch a glimpse of the boys. Their security teams crowded around them, trying their best to protect everyone.

Louis kept his head down, trying to keep his footing. Harry kept a tight grip on his arm, helping him along as they struggled to keep going.

“Louis!? Is it true that you’re pregnant!?”

Louis’ head shot up, him immediately forgetting Paul’s advice. He tried to find the person who’d asked, because no no no no no no no this was not good what made them ask that his mother said nobody suspected anything how did they know did everyone know who told them how did they find out was this really happening did the world find out already what was his management team doing how did this happen he didn’t he couldn’t too much…

The flashes temporarily blinded him and he stumbled, finding it hard to breathe, there were too many people around him, too much shouting, too much touching, they needed to stop touching him, stop touching stop touching stop touching stop stop stop stop stop…

His eyes rolled back and he dropped, Harry just managing to catch him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My head wasn’t working right, and I couldn’t write. I’m so sorry. But I know exactly what you’re thinking. It took her two months…two freaking months…for this crap!?
> 
> Same.


	11. Chapter 11

_He was standing in a room. It was bare, except for a mirror. He slowly stepped toward it, looking into it and staring at his reflection. He was naked, the only thing being on him a black collar around his neck, with a long thick chain attached._

_He reached up to touch it, when the chain rattled, as if beckoning him. It slowly tugged him forward, and he followed it blindly, out of the door into a dim hallway. He was neither cold nor hot._

_And he felt nothing. No fear, no worry, no shame. Nothing at all._

_Slowly, he followed the pull of his chain until his was in a room…a hotel room. So familiar._

_He looked for whoever had tugged the chain, when two arms wrapped around him from behind, lifting him and tossing him onto the bed._

_“Hello Tommo.”_

_He knew that voice._

_They crawled into bed after him, pressing him against the bed. He felt them pull at his hair roughly, yanking his head back._

_“You like this chain, don’t you Tommo?”_

_Louis said nothing._

_  
“I like it too. Because it’s a reminder that you’re mine. That I had you first, and no one will make you feel like I made you feel.”_

_Their tongue traced his ear before trailing down his neck._

_“You are mine, Tommo. And nothing you do…nothing you feel…no one you love…will ever change that.”_

_He felt hands prod at his buttocks, pulling his cheeks apart._

_“Just in case you forgot…here’s a little reminder.”_

_._

_._

_._

Louis awoke with a gasp. He shot up, everything spinning and his heart beating impossibly fast.  He startled the person who was in bed next to him. Louis gasped again and moved to jump out of the bed before realizing it was Harry.

 

“Louis?” Harry asked sleepily.

 

Louis glanced at Harry for a moment, before looking around the room. Almost instantly, he recognized it.

 

No…no no no, he knew this room. He knew this room and why was he back in it, how was he back?

 

Harry sat up fully, surveying Louis with concern. He was sitting stiffly, but gasping for breath.

 

“Lou?” he tried again.

 

The room the room the room the room.

 

Harry reached over, touching Louis’ hand softly. Louis flinched, before forcing himself to look at Harry.

 

“Harry…it was just a bad dream…can I…can I get a moment alone please? Just…to think a bit. I won’t be long, I promise.” he whispered, trying to reassure Harry and desperate for a moment alone.

 

He needed to be alone.

 

Harry bit his lip, obviously against this idea, but nodded in acquiesce, slowly getting up. He glanced at Louis for a brief moment before exiting the room, shutting the door behind him quietly.

 

Louis listened carefully to the fading sound of Harry’s footsteps, before he gasped out the breath he had been holding. He staggered out of the bed, out of the bed, don’t ever touch that bed, before looking around wildly. On the bedside table was a pamphlet and he grabbed it, reading the name of the hotel and feeling a shudder run through his very core.

 

This was the hotel where his…where the baby was…conceived.

 

No, he couldn’t be here. He couldn’t…why were they here? They had been at the hospital. Why wasn’t he home?

 

He needed to leave.

 

He needed to get out of here, he just had to. He couldn’t stay here…he could…hear whispers and moans and cries coming from the bed…the sound of vomiting from the bathroom, cruel laughter…

 

_“Told you I wasn’t a thief, Tommo.”_

Louis gasped out again, clutching his chest and backing up against the wall. He focused on breathing in, and out, in, and out.

 

Stress wasn’t good. He couldn’t freak out. If he freaked out, he could…he could die. The baby…it would…things wouldn’t be good, they’d get much worse and…it was hard to think of anything getting worse, how could things get any worse than they were now…

 

And then he remembered what had happened while they were trying to leave the hospital. A pap had asked if it was true he was pregnant.... By asking if it was true…that meant there were rumors…rumors that he was pregnant.

 

Rumors that 1/5 of the biggest boy band in the world was pregnant.

 

They hadn’t even had time to come up with a plan, talk to management and PR, to put something together, to _think_. Already…people were suspecting he was knocked up.

 

Louis slid down the wall, bringing his knees up and leaning his head down, tugging at the strands of his hair harshly.

 

What was he going to do?

 

_What was he going to do?_

A knock sounded, and Louis lifted his head up to stare at the closed door.

 

“Louis darling? It’s mum. Harry said you woke up…how are you feeling?”

 

How was he feeling?

 

He wanted to die.

 

As soon as the thought ran through his head, he immediately reached down to touch his slightly bulging stomach, fingers trailing across it gently.

 

“Louis?” his mum called again.

 

Louis glanced at the door, before slowly standing up, bare feet padding against the carpet as he moved toward the door. He took a deep breath before opening the door, his mother standing there worriedly.

 

“Hi.” he mumbled, his voice cracking slightly.

 

She frowned even further, reaching out to touch him, but he stepped back slightly. Her hand froze in mid air, before she let it fall, eyebrows furrowed.

 

“Where is everybody?” he asked, ignoring the hurt.

 

He just couldn’t be touched right now. Not while he was still here, in this hotel. He really needed to get out.

 

“They’re all sitting in the…living room here. It’s a nice room we have. One of the suites.” she answered, forcing a smile.

 

Louis nodded, before moving, taking great care not to graze against her as he moved past, walking down the hallway to where he heard the voices. Danielle, Eleanor, and his boys were all seated around the room comfortably. Things went quiet as he made himself known. Harry stood up to come over, but Louis shook his head.

 

The expecting male walked around everybody, pulling a chair and placing it a decent distance away from where everybody else was seated. Jay walked in after him, taking a seat on the couch and ignoring their questioning glances toward her.

 

“Why are we here?” asked Louis, breaking the silence.

 

“This was where we were supposed to stay while you were in hospital.” answered Zayn, placing his phone in his lap. It lit up but he ignored it in favor of watching Louis.

 

“And why are we here now?” Louis asked, glancing around the room, at the couch he had been seated on while he had waited for the cab to take him away. At the table where the note was left.

 

_“Told you I wasn’t a thief, Tommo.”_

“Um…you conked out mate. We just wanted to get you in a bed as soon as we could. And it was crazy out there. Is crazy out there.”

 

Right…that’s right. Because the paparazzi had asked…about the…pregnancy.

 

“Lou? Are you feeling alright? I mean…I know you’re not feeling your best but you’re really pale.”

 

No, he wasn’t alright.

 

_“Told you I wasn’t a thief, Tommo.”_

He really needed to get out of here. He really needed to get out.

 

“Um…yea I’m just tired is all. When can we…leave?” he asked, rubbing his sweaty palms against his sweats.

 

_“Told you I wasn’t a thief, Tommo.”_

Louis closed his eyes and released a shuddering breath, clenching and unclenching his fists.

 

When he opened his eyes, Harry was kneeling before him, clearly concerned. Louis all but jumped up, the seat flying backwards and he staggered away from Harry.

 

“Jesus Louis.” somebody gasped out.

 

“Harry you can’t do that…” Louis rasped, bringing his trembling hands to push Harry back if need be.

 

_“Told you I wasn’t a thief, Tommo.”_

Louis blinked his eyes rapidly, shaking his head and trying to clear the voice. _He_ wasn’t there, _he_ wasn’t there, _he_ wasn’t there.

 

Eleanor stood up, slowly making her way over.

 

“Louis?” she called quietly, holding her hands up in a sign of peace, of safety.

 

“Please don’t come any closer. Just give me a…

 

_“Told you I wasn’t a thief, Tommo.”_

“Just give me a minute.”

 

“Harry, Eleanor, step away from him for a moment love. Let him calm down.” commanded Jay. “The rest of you as well, sit back down. Something is obviously bothering him, and you’re all making him antsy.”

 

Louis moved back to rest against the wall, closing his eyes and breathing in, and out, in, and out. He brought his hand to rest against his forehead, and was slightly shocked at the feel of his hand sliding across it. He was sweating…a lot.

 

_“Told you I wasn’t a thief, Tommo.”_

_“You’re a bit of a screamer, aren’t you?”_

_“Everybody loves a secret.”_

Jay stood up, walking into the kitchen, opening the freezer and taking out an ice cube, before walking back into the room. She moved in a determined stride over to where Louis was standing, still and unresponsive, before grabbing his hand and prying his fingers open and placing the cube on his palm, and then pushing his fingers back into a fist.

 

 _“I like the whole struggling_ cold _fighting_ cold _not wanting it thing_ cold-

 

Louis jerked out of wherever he had gone, fingers reflexively dropping the ice in his hand. He blinked down at the ice cube that had broken into two pieces on the ground, gaze traveling to his wet trembling hand, and then to his mother’s.

 

“What brought you there?” his mum whispered.

 

What brought him…where…where had he gone? What…

 

He blinked slowly, still staring at her, before he answered mechanically.

 

“I really need to get out.”

 

Jay nodded.

 

“Alright. From where?”

 

“Here…I can’t…please….anywhere but here.”

 

Jay’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion, before she glanced around, remembering that they had an audience, and an extremely concerned one at that.

 

“Okay Boo Bear, let’s go back into the bedroom and talk there-

 

“NO!”

 

His shout caused everyone in the room to jump. Louis took a deep breath before continuing. “I mean…I’d just…I’d rather not be here. Ever. So.” he trailed off, glancing around the room.

 

Judging by the looks on all his friend’s faces, he was doing a piss poor job of convincing them he was doing alright.

 

“There’s a crap load of people outside. We came here because it was closer, and safer for the time being until they manage some type of crowd control. Louis…people are already su-

 

“Suspecting that I’ve got a bun in the oven, yea I know Liam. A pap asked me while we were walking…and then I panicked…and then I ‘conked out’.” Louis interrupted, feeling more in control then he was a moment ago but no less uncomfortable.

 

He really needed to get out of here.

 

“But regardless, I really don’t want to be here, so can we go home, please? You’re more than welcome to stay but I don’t like it here.” he stated, tugging at the ends of his jumper.

 

He was really hot and could feel the moisture clinging to him from beneath the sweater and he wanted a shower but there was absolutely no way he could use any shower at this hotel without losing his mind, so could they just listen to him and leave even if things didn’t make sense?

 

Please?

 

He really needed to get out, damn it.

 

“Lou, they put us here for our safety. The crowds were too crazy. Plus, you passing out freaked the fans out again…along with the rumors.”

 

Freaked them out. The rumors of him being knocked up freaked him out. Because it was disgusting-

 

“Sorry. Not freaked out, that was the wrong choice of words. I mean like…everyone is panicking, and they’re worried about you…well, the fans are. But the paps and reporters outside are…”

 

Louis watched Harry as he spoke, took notice of the fact that he hadn’t moved any closer, that he had a relaxed posture as to not drive Louis away, because Harry seemed aware of the fact that Louis was completely out of his comfort zone, even if he didn’t know why.

 

Harry always noticed these things.

 

Louis let his eyes wander, looking at the rest of the group. They were all watching him with varying expressions of concern and confusion.

 

Which was understandable. He was freaking out about a stupid hotel. He felt as ridiculous as he was sure he sounded to them, but he couldn’t help it. He wasn’t even sure if this was the exact hotel room. Maybe all the suites looked the same. But regardless, the bed was in the same place, that couch was the same, the shower…the shower that had sucked down a mixture of his blood and _his_ semen…

 

The toilet where he had vomited what he hoped was only what he had put in his mouth and swallowed willingly…

 

He really, really, really, _really,_ needed to get out.

 

So he did. Louis pushed himself of the wall he had been leaning on and walked to the door to the suite, leaving Harry mid sentence. He ignored the shocked gasps and whatever commotion followed, instead focusing on his bare feet as he moved down the hallway…the same hallway that he had performed his walk of shame prior.

 

His, ‘I was so stupid this was my fault how could I let this happen to me’ walk of shame.

 

He didn’t notice one of the security guards before he bumped into him. Louis blinked, moving his gaze from his feet to the tall man in front of him, and took an instinctive step back.

 

He didn’t recognize this one. He looked the man p and down warily, before seeing a name badge and the hotel’s logo.

 

Hotel security then.

 

“Mr. Tomlinson, I’ve been asked to keep anyone from leaving or entering this floor.” The man stated, giving Louis a no nonsense look.

 

That was cool and all, with this man doing his job to protect him, but it was impossible for Louis to feel safe here. He didn’t know what it was like to return to a place that had previously been a prison, that still was a prison, that housed memories of a loss of control, a loss of something important, the shattering of his self worth…

 

Louis couldn’t stay here.

 

“I can’t stay here.” Louis replied, moving to get past the man, when the man grabbed his shoulder.

 

Louis all but shoved the man back with a strength people always thought he didn’t have.

 

“Don’t touch me!” Louis shouted, much to the security’s shock.

 

That was not good. No touching, please. No touching, ever. Not here, not here in this place. This hell. He needed to leave.

 

He turned to go the other direction, only to bump into someone else.

 

Louis gasped, bringing his hands up but was stopped short and two hands grabbing his wrists firmly. Louis struggled for a moment before peering up into worried green eyes.

 

Harry. It was just Harry. His Harry. Don’t panic.

 

“Look at me, Louis.”

 

He did.

 

“Deep breaths.”

 

Louis could do that. Louis could do deep breaths. But he could not stay here, in this hotel.

 

Harry released Louis’ wrists and instead cupped the back of Louis’ head, bringing it forward and leaning his own head down to press their foreheads together.

 

“Tell me what you need. Tell me what has you so uncomfortable.”

 

“I don’t like this hotel, Harry. I need to leave.”

 

If Harry was confused, he didn’t show it.

 

“Why? What’s wrong with this hotel?”

 

Another question he couldn’t answer. Another secret. He hated this, so much.

 

“I…I can’t say but I just really need to leave. Please, Harry, please. I’m begging yo-

 

“You never have to beg me for anything, Louis. I love you, remember?”

 

Louis stared quietly, not really knowing how to respond to that right now. Too much was happening in his head, in his body, to him…

 

“It must really be bothering you to look this jittery, so okay.” Harry looked back to the others who were lingering a few feet behind them, before continuing in a pointedly loud and decided tone, “We’ll find a way to leave here and head back home. Quickly.”

 

He then turned his attention back to Louis.

 

“We’re gonna go home, okay? And then you’ll get the proper rest you deserve.”

 

Louis stared, before letting himself relax a bit. His shoulders fell, and he let out a small breath, dropping his hands.

 

Yea, okay. Harry could fix it.  Louis closed his eyes, bringing his hands up to Harry’s head, gently fisting his fingers into his curls.

 

“Yea, well, we’d like to go to Louis and Harry’s. And it’s been a rough couple o’ days, and this hotel’s just not cutting it, yea? So I’m sure you can figure out a way to get us out of here quickly, and to Harry and Louis’ place, yea? Because Louis isn’t comfortable here, and we were made quite clear to keep Louis as comfy as we could, and he really doesn’t like it here, and I’m certain you don’t want to put Louis in the hospital again like you did before. I just want you assholes to know that I hold you responsible for that…”

 

Louis turned to glance at Zayn who was walking down the hallway with his phone to his ear. Zayn met Louis’ eyes and mouthed ‘management’ to him, before focusing back on the phone call.

 

“Alright, yea, words and more words that I don’t care for right now, because you know, treating my brother like shite and all that. So I’ll give you ten minutes-

 

Louis flinched, because ten minutes was a really long time to sit here in this filth, his filth-

 

“Scratch that, five minutes. Five minutes to figure something out. I-

 

The phone was taken from his hands and was at Jay’s ear in a second. Zayn immediately took a step back because an angry Louis sucked, and he was at least seventy percent sure Louis got his sass from his mother.

 

“You listen to me sir, this is Jay, Louis’ mum? Yea, my son has had it pretty bad so far, and from what I’ve heard, you’ve just made things worse for him lately. If it were up to me, I’d have words with you vile lot, but my son is far kinder than you’ve taken him from, so consider it a blessing I haven’t ripped you all to shreds. My son is tired, and he is uncomfortable, and he wants to go home. And he will. So less than five minutes. Is that clear?”

 

She ended the call, turning to Zayn.

 

“So sorry love, I-

 

“No no, I didn’t mind Mum.” laughed Zayn, taking his phone back.

 

Zayn turned to Louis.

 

“If nothing happens soon, we’re gonna call a taxi for you and a few others and the rest of us will wait here. I also called Perrie…I told her everything, but you know Perrie is cool like that and you can trust her. She’s in town and she offered to show up across the street and get the attention of us for a bit to get out if management doesn’t get their lives together.”

 

Louis nodded at Zayn, reaching out for him, Zayn came over, pulling Harry and Louis into a group hug.

 

“We can do this, guys, alright? Anything for you boys.”

 

“Woah group hug and I’m not invited?”

 

Niall barreled into them, laughing loudly.

 

“Careful Niall! The bab-

 

Liam glanced at the security guard who probably didn’t know anything, but was still lurking around because it was his job too.

 

“Balls…are a sensitive place and you almost kneed Louis in them…” he finished off lamely.

 

All four boys stared at Liam, before Louis started giggling softly, kicking off the rest of them laughing to near tears. Niall reached over and pulled Liam into the hug, Liam wrapping his arms around as many of them as he could.

 

It was amazing what his boys could do. Louis was in a place full of horrid memories that would probably never fade, but he couldn’t feel safer wrapped in the loving arms of his four younger brothers.

.

.

.

 

He was showered, fed, but unfortunately not in bed. They had managed to get Louis and the others out of there in a timely manor. An angry mother’s demands worked wonders.

 

Instead of sleeping, however, he was pulling on a new set of clothes. Management had called an emergency meeting, and Louis didn’t have it in him to refuse when this whole mess was his fault in the first place. Louis sighed, tugging his jeans up and frowning when they wouldn’t button.

 

He tried sucking in his stomach for a moment before remembering that that obviously wasn’t going to work. He walked over to his mirror, checking out his baby bump. It was small, so small. He gently placed both of his hands on it.

 

Something was growing in there…inside of him. There was a baby in there…

 

A knock sounded, and Louis jumped.

 

“Just a second.” he called out, grabbing a shirt and pulling it on.

 

Glancing at the mirror again, he looked at the slightly stretched material and sighed.

 

“Come in…” he called, and in came Eleanor.

 

“Hi love.” she mumbled softly, placing a gentle kiss on his cheek.

 

“Hi El.” Louis replied, smiling at her as he scavenged for another shirt to wear.

 

He really liked this shirt too.

 

“Your jeans won’t button anymore, huh?” she asked, taking a seat on his bed and watching him move around.

 

“No…” he grumbled.

 

“How many weeks-

 

“Ten.” he interrupted, having found one of Harry shirts wedged deep in a drawer.

 

God bless Harry and his love for oversized shirts.

 

His phone vibrated, and he reached for it. A text. From Harry. Who had to be only a minute away at most, downstairs.

 

\--Stop worrying about your clothes.- Harry

 

Louis pouted, typing out a quick reply.

 

\--I’m not. Not really. They don’t fit right anymore.- Louis

 

\--You’re only like into your 3rd month. It doesn’t look as bad as you think- Harry

 

Louis sighed, sitting on the bed next to Eleanor.

 

\--My jeans won’t button :(- Louis

 

\--Dat ass ;)- Harry

 

Louis snorted, feeling his face flush. Harry was such a loser.

 

“Who are you texting?” asked Eleanor, reaching up to run her hands through Louis’ hair.

 

“Harry.” Louis answered, giggling as he typed out his reply.

 

He missed Eleanor’s look of annoyance.

 

\--Young Harold. Your mother never raised you to be so lewd!-Louis

 

\--No, but a real man can appreciate a fine, fine arse.- Harry

 

Louis guffawed, before getting up and forgoing wearing Harry’s shirt, instead opting to throw on old red hoodie of his that went down far enough to cover his unbuttoned jeans. He needed to schedule some time to discuss a new wardrobe with Lou.

 

“El, toss me that beanie behind you please?” asked Louis, and Eleanor did, Louis catching it.

 

He pulled on the navy blue beanie, before leaning down and grabbing his vans. They slid on easier this time, his feet not as swollen as they’d been earlier.

 

And then he was ready to go, heading out for an unplanned meeting at ten at night. He grabbed his phone, and Eleanor took his hand, lacing their fingers together before they walked out of his room.

 

The two walked rather slowly down the hallway, and then down the stairs where the rest were, sprawled out. Danielle wasn’t there, having had to head to a rehearsal. He looked for his mum, not seeing her.

 

“She’s in the kitchen with Niall.”

 

He looked over to see Harry lying across one of the couches, his shirt having ridden up. His jeans were low on his hips as usual, his boxers peaking out and his…v-line.  Louis looked up, catching Harry’s gaze. Harry licked his lips slowly, and Louis flushed, before releasing Eleanor’s hand and heading straight to the kitchen.

 

Eleanor and Harry met each other’s eyes, and Harry sat up, walking over to her and leaning to whisper in her ear, “Can you do that to him?” before following Louis in the kitchen.

 

Eleanor watched him go with clenched fists, before storming off out of the living room. Liam and Zayn, who’d been sitting on two other chairs, stared at each other with mouths agape.

 

Had that just happened?

 

In the kitchen, Jay was pouring tea into a thermos, adding milk and sugar with practiced hands. Niall was sitting on the counter munching in a sandwich.

 

He smiled over at Louis when the boy made his appearance, before nodding at Harry who walked in a few seconds after. Jay turned and smiled at Louis, giving him a wet kiss  on the cheek which he returned. She handed him the thermos and he took it gladly, taking a small sip.

 

“Paul’s outside getting the van ready.” she said.

 

“Alright.” Louis mumbled, stiffening at the feeling of hands on his hips before realizing they were Harry’s.

 

He leaned back into Harry’s touch unconsciously, not noticing the quick look that Niall and Jay exchanged.

 

“I have an overnight bag here, so if you don’t mind, I’ll stay for about two more days. Anne is with the girls.”

 

Louis’ eyes widened.

 

“Really? This whole time. That;s nice of her.”

 

“Oh please Lou, you know my mum.” Harry mumbled, tickling Louis’ sides a bit.

 

“Mind the tea!” Louis giggled.

 

“Yea, after I realized this wasn’t going to be a short trip, I asked her. She told me she’d already had a bag packed just in case.”

 

She looked down at her phone before smiling.

 

“That’s Lottie and Fizzy complaining that you’re not answering their texts.”

 

She gave Louis _the look_. Louis pouted.

 

“I didn’t really know what to say…”

 

Jay smiled understandingly.

 

“I know darling, but remember that they deserve to know before the public. Now you boys really should be heading out. You’re late…it’s late…I’d rather you stayed and rested but I suppose some things really do need taking care of right now.”

 

She walked over and gave him another quick kiss on the cheek.

 

“I’ll be here when you get back love.”

 

“No kiss for me?” asked Niall.

 

Jay rolled her eyes and kissed Niall’s cheek, and Harry’s as well before exiting the kitchen. Zayn entered the kitchen immediately after, heading over to Niall. Woth quick reflexes, he grabbed Niall’s remaining sandwich and stuffed it into his mouth.

 

“Zayn you twat!” yelled Niall, hopping off the counter and giving chase to Zayn who had bolted out of the kitchen.

 

Louis and Harry watched before Louis moved away from Harry, taking Niall’s previous spot on the counter. Harry followed, standing in front of him, Louis spread his legs to give Harry space, not realizing how compromising it looked until Harry moved a bit closer. The two stared at each other. Louis hands started to tremble, so he clenched the thermos tightly until his knuckles turned white.

 

“How are you feeling?” asked Harry, his voice seeming lower than normal.

 

“Nervous…scared…tired.”

 

“Don’t be.”

 

Louis sighed.

 

“How can I not be, Harry? I messed everything up for everyone, because I was so stupid to get ra…pregnant. To get pregnant.”

 

Harry’s eyebrows furrowed.

 

“Wait what were you saying bef-

 

Louis placed his thermos down, quickly pulling Harry closer and sliding his hands under the curly haired boy’s shirt. He traced Harry’s stomach softly.

 

Harry’s breath hitched and he went still.

 

“Lucky you. You get to keep your figure.” Louis mumbled.

 

He literally watched Harry’s previous train of thought fade out of his eyes. Good. Crisis avoided.

 

“Don’t worry about that, Louis. You’ll look fine.”

 

Louis laughed, trying and failing to keep his bitter tone in check.

 

  
You really think so, Harry? That our fans will appreciate me looking like a whale? I was never really skinny to begin with-

 

“Don’t.”

 

Louis froze at the Harry’s stern look.

 

“You really don’t get it, do you? How beautiful you are.” Harry continued, looking frustrated.

 

“Sometimes I wake up ages before you do, and I head outside on the balcony to watch the sunset. And I’ll come back in and see you snuggled up in the sheets and wonder why I left the bed in the first place when something so beautiful was right next to me the whole time.”

 

Louis took in a soft breath, his eyes widening.

 

“We’ve been all over the world, seen so many astounding things, and then I’ll glance over at you and wherever we are and whatever we’re seeing doesn’t matter because it can’t ever compare to you.”

 

Louis couldn’t attribute his eyes watering to his hormones. Not this time. Not when Harry was saying stuff like this.

 

“Louis…I can’t…describe how much I lo-

 

“Are you boys ready to go? Paul came back up. The others are heading out.”

 

Both jumped to see Eleanor leaning in the entryway of the kitchen. Louis nodded numbly, his mind still reeling from what Harry had been saying. Harry took a few steps back, looking down at his shoes while Eleanor walked over to Louis.

 

“I’m going to head out, alright? I’ve got loads of work to catch up on. Tell me how it goes, love.”

 

Louis nodded, still far away in his thoughts, even as Eleanor kissed him goodbye. The pretty brunette glanced at Harry before she went, a strange look in her eye as she walked out.

 

The two were silent in their thoughts for a moment, before Louis spoke up.

 

“Do you mean it…what you said?”

 

Harry looked up.

 

“Of course.”

 

Louis got up off the counter, landing softly on his feet before walking over to Harry and hugging him tight.

 

“I love you too. I don’t know what I’d do without you, Harry…”

 

Harry hugged him back, and Louis smiled up at him before stepping back and grabbing his thermos.

 

“We should go. The boys are probably wondering what the hell we’re up too.”

 

He turned around and walked out, leaving Harry standing alone in the kitchen. Harry ran his hands through his hair, sighing loudly.

 

Louis still didn’t get it.

.

.

.

 

The ride had gone by in relative silence, all the boys lost in their own thoughts, it seeming to make the journey there faster. Before they knew it, they were seated in the conference room again.

 

Louis tapped his knee nervously at the silence, before it was broken.

 

“How the hell did you get pregnant?”

 

All five boys gave the man who spoke blank looks, and his cheeks reddened before his sighed angrily.

 

“You know what I mean.”

 

Louis looked to the side.

 

“I…had sex…with a man.”

 

“I thought you were with Eleanor. When did you even decide you were gay?”

 

“Contrary to popular belief, Will, you can have sex with the opposite gender without it changing what sexuality you define yourself as.” Harry spoke, his face carefully blank but his tone icy.

 

Everyone straightened up in their seats.

 

“While it’s no secret that you’re known for being rather…promiscuous, Mr. Styles, I had expected better from Mr. Tomlinson here.”

 

Louis looked down. He had expected better from himself too, to be honest. He thought he was smarter than this, stronger than this.

 

“Who leaked it?” asked Niall, frowning.

 

“One of the nurses. We looked into local banks and she deposited a rather hefty check, one way above her pay grade, and she wasn’t due to be paid for another three days.”

 

“Well it’s nice to know you’re good for something.” Liam joked under his breath.

 

The boys all giggled, not expecting that from Liam at this point in time.

 

“Let’s behave, boys.”

 

They all turned to see Simon.

 

“Sorry I’m late. I’m a busy man, as you well know.”

 

And things were serious again. They all watched Simon take a seat, before he leaned back in his chair softly and surveyed everyone.

 

“First of all, Louis, you are back in the band. As far as I’m concerned, you never left.”

 

Louis swallowed thickly, nodding.

 

“Good. Now with that out of the way, let’s figure out how we can make this better.”

 

“How can it possibly get better? He’s pregnant. It’s going to get worse.”

 

“Well Jenna, it’s your job to figure it out. I hope you do a good job, for your sake.”

 

“Pow.” whispered Zayn, and the boys fought to hide their smiles.

 

“Louis.”

 

Louis stiffened.

 

“Yes, sir?”

 

Simon looked at him blankly.

 

“Yes Uncle Simon?”

 

“How long have you known you were pregnant?”

 

“Around 3 weeks…”

 

Simon nodded.

 

“And the other boys?”

 

“They didn’t know until I was at the hospital. But Harry said he found out a week before that by accident. He didn’t tell me he knew though.”

 

“Does the father know about the pregnancy?”

 

Louis tried his hardest to school his face into a neutral expression.

 

“No.”

 

“Hm…well, we need to contact him, and the two of you need to figure something out, preferably in a way that wouldn’t affect the band too much. We don’t want him to file suit over the child, things like that, assuming you are keeping it, of course.”

 

“That won’t be necessary. The father will have nothing to do with his child. He will never come near it, and if he does, I’ll hit him right back and sue him into ruination.”

 

Everyone stared at Louis with wide eyes. They’d never heard him speak like that before, so serious and…almost cruel.

 

“Louis-

 

“No. I don’t care about his rights or whatever legal process he could come at me with. He won’t have a say. And yes, Uncle Simon, I’m keeping the baby.”

 

Simon sighed.

 

“It’s not as simple as you think it is, Louis.”

 

Louis grit his teeth angrily.

 

“Things like this are never simple, but I don’t care. I don’t want to contact him.”

 

“Why not? Regardless of how you two might have fought before you ended things with each other, he still has parental rights.” someone else spoke up, from across the table.

 

Louis slammed his hands on the table before them and stood up, his thermos clattering to the ground loudly, thankfully closed.

 

“I. Don’t. Care.”

 

They didn’t get it. None of them would ever understand. And he couldn’t tell them. He wasn’t at the point where he could get through explaining it to other people. He had been beyond desperate when he had told El and Dani. But to look Liam, Niall, Zayn, and…Harry, in the eyes and tell them he was tainted…to tell it to these people sitting around the table who looked like they wouldn’t care...to see the disappointment in Simon’s eyes…

 

No.

 

Never.

 

It was quiet for a moment before Simon continued.

 

“Can you at least tell us who he is, so we can look out for him? So he won’t surprise us in the future? We need to be ready just in case?”

 

Tell them who he was. Louis almost laughed. He didn’t know.

 

And that was something else that killed him inside.

 

That man had ruined Louis’ life, and he had no idea what the man looked like. How was that fair? To be hurt by someone so badly and only know the sound of their voice?

 

“No.” he answered coldly, before sitting back down and glaring angrily at his hands in his lap.

 

This meeting was going horribly. Hopefully this didn’t become a trend.

 

“Let’s talk about something else…um…like what do you suppose we tell the press?”

 

“We should hide it. The fans can’t know.”

 

Zayn snorted.

 

“He’s not getting any skinnier, if that’s what you’re hoping for.”

 

Louis glanced over at Zayn with a small glare and Zayn his smirk with a cough.

 

“You’re a funny one, Zayn. And I haven’t forgotten the way you spoke to us on the phone earlier. We’ll address that at another time.”

 

Zayn sent them a charming smile.

 

“And in terms of what you said, I still think we should hide it, at least while we can-

 

“There’s literally nothing he could do right now that wouldn’t make the fans suspicious though. Bigger clothes? Stuff like that will only make them believe it.” Niall interrupted.

 

“Thank you Niall. Sadly, we didn’t ask for your opinion.”

 

“Well excuse the fu-

 

“Shh, Niall. She’s just angry she might lose her job.” Louis consoled mockingly, turning to glare at Jenna.

 

Jenna was kind of a dick.

 

“Well what do you suppose we do, oh wise one, since you’re the one responsible for this mess in the first place?”

 

“I…maybe we should just tell them. It’s…our fans aren’t stupid. They see things…they know things…they find things out faster than I’ve ever seen done before and chances are, there are fans right now hacking the hospital records. It might be better to come from my mouth.”

 

Everyone let that sink in for a bit.

 

“No, I think we should wait for a while longer.” Will spoke up, the man tired of sitting quietly.

 

“At least until we’re sure you won’t lose the majority of your fan-base. Find out what they think first.”

 

“They just want confirmation at this point.” said Liam.

 

“Give it a few days.”

 

Louis sat back in his chair, pulling his phone out and clicking the twitter app. His mentions were going haywire, nearly all the trending topics were about him, there were pictures of him passed out in Harry’s arms and his mum yelling at the paparazzi…

 

Sheer madness.

 

“Louis, are you listening?”

 

He glanced up.

 

“Yea…”

“We’re going to wait a bit, let Lou pick out some clothes that can hide things. We’re thinking of waiting until it can’t be hidden anymore-

 

“No…that’s not a good idea. They’ll be upset-

 

“Final answer, Louis.”

 

Louis looked around, before his eyes landed on Simon.

 

“Uncle Simon I can’t hide it that long. I can’t…” he pleaded.

 

Simon sighed.

 

“Alright. You boys head on out. We’ll sit here and discuss it further. Don’t do anything rash. Remember to stay off twitter and the like. Keep quiet for a bit.”

 

Louis got up first, walking out and not saying another word. The boys followed after, mumbling their goodbyes. Paul was waiting for them at the end of the hallway.

 

“Y’ alright boys?” he asked worriedly.

 

They all nodded, and Paul sighed tiredly, leading the way to where they had parked the van. Just like earlier, the ride was silent, all the boys lost in thought. Louis leaned against the window tiredly, feeling the other boys’ gazes on him but ignoring it, choosing to close his eyes instead.

 

His mind strayed to his sisters staying with Anne, and how worried they must be. He’d call them when he got back home…which he was.

 

He sat up, watching as Paul pulled up.

 

“I figure you’re all staying here?” he asked.

 

“Yea.” they mumbled.

 

Louis opened the van door, sending a short wave to Paul and walking to the door, using the keys quickly. He made a bee-line to his room, slamming the newly repaired door and locking it, before collapsing on his bed. He grabbed his phone and dialed Anne.

 

After a few rings, she picked up.

 

‘Louis darling? How are you?’

 

“Hi mum. I’ve been better.” he sighed.

 

“Oh love…it will be alright. Everything will work out, you hear me?”

 

Louis took a quiet breath.

 

‘The rumors are true, you know. Me being knocked up and all.’

 

Anne was quiet for a bit.

 

‘I know, your mum told me. I don’t think any different of you, if that’s what you think. You know me better than that, I’d hope.’

 

“Okay.”

 

‘Just okay, love?’

 

“I…did she say anything else?”

 

‘…No? Only that you were pregnant and you weren’t feeling very well.’

 

Louis sighed softly in relief.

 

“Oh, okay. That’s…alright. Are my sisters still up, by any chance?”

 

‘They are actually. Even the twins. They had a long day at school and fell asleep. Now they’re wide awake. Did you want to speak to them?’

 

“Yes please. Could you just…put them on speaker for me?”

 

He heard Anne fumble with the phone for a bit, before he heard all the girls talking excitedly over the phone.

 

‘Say hi Louis.’

 

“Hi my darling girls.”

 

Louis winced at the squeals, moving the phone away from his ear for a second before they calmed down.

 

‘Louis you arse-

 

“Language, Lottie!” he chastised, laughing.

 

‘You had us worried sick-

 

“You sound like such a mum-

 

‘I will slap you over the phone.’

 

He laughed.

 

‘Give us a turn! Hi Lou! Hi Lou!’

 

Louis smiled.

 

“Hi Daisy. Hi Phoebe.”

 

‘No Lou! I’m Phoebe! I’m Daisy.’

 

Louis hid his laugh.

 

“What? I thought you were Daisy, Phoebe. And I thought you were Phoebe, Daisy. Or was Daisy, Phoebe, and Phoebe Daisy. Or was Daisy, Daisy, and Phoebe Phoebe! Ahhh!”

 

He mock screamed into the phone, delighting in the sound of his youngest sisters’ giggles.

 

‘You’re silly, Lou. Silly silly boy.’

 

“Where’s Fiz?” he asked.

 

‘I’m here. Everyone else is so loud.’

 

“So sassy, Fizzy.”

 

‘I learned it from the best.’

 

He chatted happily with his sister’s for a while, before he quieted them down.

 

“So I’m sure you’ve heard all the rumors.”

 

‘Some girls from school say you’re gonna have a baby, Lou. Is that true?’ asked Phoebe.

 

Louis hesitated for a moment, before answering.

 

“Yea, it’s true Phoebe. I am gonna have a baby.”

 

The twins squealed happily, and he heard their footsteps so they were probably running around. Louis waited to hear what the older ones thought.

 

‘Well…are you alright?’ Lottie asked.

 

“I…I’ve been better.”

 

‘Are the boys okay?’

 

“Yea, they found out a few days ago, Fiz. They handled it okay. They weren’t angry with me.  Are…are you guys…angry with me?”

 

‘Of course not you idiot!’ shouted Lottie.

 

‘I’m just glad you’re okay. We heard you got sick.’

 

“I…I almost lost the baby.”

 

‘Christ Lou…Lou that’s…that’s really bad. Are you sure you’re alright?’

 

“I’ve…definitely been better. But um…I’m gonna tell the fans tonight.”

 

‘Are you serious? That’s what you all decided?’ Anne chimed in. ‘Sorry…I didn’t mean to listen in, but you’re on speaker-

 

“No no it’s fine Mum.  Um…no, they think I should wait until I can’t anymore.”

 

‘That…doesn’t seem like the brightest idea…’

 

“I just…I need to do this. I can’t…pregnancy isn’t really a secret. I don’t want to add that to the list of things to worry about. Of course…things are still gonna be crazy but I cant keep saying I’m not when reporters and stuff ask me and then I’m whisked away to my next ultrasound or summat. It’s…too much.”

 

‘Do what you think is right. Because on the bottom line…you’re the one with the baby in you.’ spoke Lottie confidently.

 

“You’re great Charlotte, you know that?”

 

‘I accept gifts, as well as flattery.’

 

The two shared a laugh at that, and Louis rolled over onto his side.

 

“I’ll keep that in mind. Now…I’m gonna head off the phone. Tune into twitter if you’d like to watch. I’m gonna do a twitcam.”

 

‘I’ll keep an eye out for any rude ones, try to set them straight.’ said Lottie.

 

‘Same.’ added Fizzy.

 

“I know I can always count on you girls. I love you both so much. Kiss the twins for me please. And bye Anne. Thank you.”

 

They all said their goodbyes and Louis hung up, tossing his phone to the side and getting up to grab his laptop. He turned it on, letting it boot up while he tossed his shoes off and tugged off his jeans, throwing on a pair of plaid pajamas. Sitting back down on the bed, he logged onto twitter, changing his password so no one could interfere, before opening another tab and setting up the twitcam link. He looked at himself in the camera before tweeting the link.

 

In moments, thousands of people were viewing.

 

“Christ.” he muttered, adjusting the volume on his mic.

 

“Can you guys see me? Hear me?”

 

Hundreds of replies came, and he read through them. Seeing a good amount of “Yess onvosvd OMHHGG” he took a few deep breaths.

 

“So…there’ve been some rumors going around. Some saying I’d died, some saying I have cancer, some saying the band was breaking up.”

 

Louis knew he was stalling.

 

“I am…certainly not dead. I don’t have cancer, and am extremely thankful for that. The band isn’t breaking up. We’re all good with each other and all.”

 

Louis tugged at the strings of his hoodie nervously.

 

“There are other rumors as well. Rumors that suggest I am…with child.”

 

Louis paused.

 

“Why did I say it like that? ‘With child’” he mumbled, mocking himself.

 

Still stalling, still nervous.

 

“I’ve come on here to set the record straight.”

 

This…should he tell them? Should he lie? Should he stick with that crap plan? What was the right thing to do?

 

He took a few deep, quiet breaths, scanning through the comments, until one caught his eye.

 

-Just tell the truth.-

 

He looked away from the comment, and straight into the camera.

 

“Yes, I am. I am pregnant.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this took so long. Things have been weird lately. Anyways…I hope you managed to enjoy this. Many thanks as always to my kind readers, and your lovely messages. You guys are so precious to me. I really appreciate every single one of you.


	12. Chapter 12

“I want a baby.”

 

He glanced over at her.

 

“Okay.”

.

.

.

 

Louis watched as the messages and tweets came in at an alarming rate with a stoic face. He didn’t bother reading them, instead breathing silently, even with the camera still on. He didn’t do anything. He just stared.

 

His phone rang, and he glanced at it, seeing an incoming call from Will, one of the men on his management team. He ignored the call, only for it to ring again, this time Simon. He ignored that too. And it rang again. Stan.

 

Christ damn it, _Stan_.

 

Louis swallowed quickly, ignoring that call as well, but sending a quick text that said he’d call Stan later, because Stan should have definitely known about this before he made it public.  An all too familiar churning in Louis’ gut caused him to shiver, and he muted his end of the mic before going to the bathroom and shutting the door behind him, barely managing to walk as nonchalantly as possible while he moved. The moment the door closed, he dropped to his knees and all but crawled to the toilet, slamming the lid up and heaving the little food he had managed to keep down since leaving the hospital.

 

Brilliant.

 

“Louis what did you do!?”

 

Louis flinched as he heard the shout from Liam all the way from downstairs.

 

Jesus, please.

 

Louis whimpered, before spitting into the toilet. He heard a commotion downstairs, some shouting, and then his mother telling everyone to ‘shut the hell up’.

 

A knock sounded.

 

“Lou, are you in there?”

 

Harry.

 

Louis sighed, spitting into the toilet again, hoping that was the last of it. He leaned against the wall, hugging his stomach.

 

“The twitcam is still on. I muted it. They can see you. Gimme a second.” he croaked out, his voice rough after vomiting.

 

Reaching over, he flushed the toilet, and gingerly stood up, staggering over to the sink. He cupped water into his hands, washing his face and drying it quickly, before grabbing some mouthwash and gargling. Spitting, he dried his hands and walked back out of his bathroom where Harry was standing.

 

“Lou-

 

“I know it was stupid but so was their whole dumbass keep it a secret plan-

 

“That’s not what-

 

“So if you’re here to tell me off you can shove-

 

Harry grabbed Louis face in his hands.

 

“Listen to me.”

 

“Let go of me, Harry.”

 

Harry let go, but didn’t move away.

 

“I was just asking if you were alright. I get why you did it, and I’m not upset. But are you alright?”

 

Louis opened his mouth to argue again before he realized what Harry said.

 

“Oh…yea. I’m…I don’t know. I’m tired.”

 

He was. He was really freaking tired. And his body felt heavy and his heart was pounding and he was terrified and…

 

Louis sighed.

 

“I’m really tired Harry.” he mumbled, and Harry nodded.

 

“Okay.”

 

Harry walked over to Harry’s bed, un-muting the mic.

 

“Louis’ tired, so we’re heading to bed. Love you all.”

 

He closed the twitcam, and shut down Louis’ laptop, before turning back to Louis who was watching him.

 

“Let’s go to bed.”

 

Louis opened his mouth to argue, but Harry just lifted his shirt off his head and tossed it in the corner, and started unbuttoning his jeans.

 

“H-Harry?!”

 

“Bed.” Harry answered, wiggling out of his jeans and hopping onto Louis’ bed, striking a pose.

 

It really was no time for jokes, but Louis couldn’t smother his laugh.

 

“Alright, fine. Let me just talk to the boys and my mum, okay?”

 

Harry nodded, making himself comfortable underneath Louis’ covers. Louis steeled himself before exiting, heading downstairs where he could hear his mother and the boys talking. The moment he made himself known, they all turned to him.

 

He immediately held his hands up in surrender.

 

“I know you’re all upset at me-

 

“You’re darn right-

 

“Liam stop!”

 

“Why didn’t you wait for us?”

 

What?

 

“Wait, what?” asked Louis, turning to Liam confusedly.

 

“If you were going to tell them, we should have done it together. You didn’t have to tell them all by yourself.”

 

Louis blinked, stunned. He did not expect that. At all.

 

“But…I-

 

Liam stormed up to him, grabbing his wrists.

 

“We told you that we were in this together, you idiot. So the next time you decide to drop another bomb on the fans, for God’s sake, send a group text out first or I swear I’ll…I’ll…I’ll spank you.”

 

A hushed silence fell over the room, before Louis clapped his hands over his mouth to contain his laughter, Niall and Zayn following after. Liam blushed a deep red and sighed embarrassedly.

 

Zayn walked over, still giggling, and hugged Louis tight. Louis forced himself to remain relaxed, carefully reaching his arms around and embracing Zayn.

 

“Liam’s right you know. You should have told us.”

 

Louis sighed, before snorting.

 

“The spanking too?”

 

“If you’re into it.”

 

“Zayn!” Louis laughed, pulling away from him.

 

Niall spoke up next.

 

“While you’ve got the arse for a good spankin-

 

“Niall Horan!” squeaked Liam.

 

“You started it mate, I’m just going along with it-

 

“Can we let this one go please-

 

“Hell no Li, this is going in the archives.” Zayn laughed.

 

Liam put his head in his hands, causing the others to laugh again. After a while, Niall continued.

 

“Seriously though, what we did before we found out, all that stupid ignoring you stuff, that’s not how it’s gonna be now. So you gotta trust us. We mean it when we say we’ll be here for you now on, no matter what.”

 

Louis looked at the three of them, folding his sleeves in the palm of his hands.

 

“I know…really, I do.”

 

He really did know, honestly. But that didn’t stop that nagging question from popping back up. If he trusted them…if he knew they wouldn’t leave him again…then why wouldn’t he…couldn’t he…tell them about his…rape?

 

Louis continued to stare at them, and his mother, who he had forgotten was in the room, came to stand behind him and gently wrapped her arms behind him.

 

“I love you guys.”

 

“Love you too.” they all replied.

 

Zayn glanced over at Louis’ mum before grabbing Liam and Niall’s wrists.

 

“Let’s get on twitter and do some damage control.” he mumbled, pulling them out of the room, leaving Louis and Jay alone.

 

As soon as they were gone, Louis turned around in his mother’s arms and nearly crushed her too him.

 

“Mummy.” he whispered, and she held him just as tight, rocking her in his arms.

 

“Shh…it’s fine. It’s going to be fine, you hear me? They tell you anything and I’ll be there, anybody says anything about you, and I’ll fight them, you’re my baby and you don’t deserve this-

 

Louis listened to her rant, the words oddly comforting. They stood there for a while, before Louis pulled back a bit.

 

“Mummy, you need to go home.”

 

Jay’s eyes widened, and she started to shake her head no but Louis continued, “No, mum, listen to me. The girls need you. What I just told everyone…I can’t imagine what must be going on back home.”

 

“Anne is with them-

 

“Anne isn’t you!”

 

“Loui-

 

“No mum! I just told the entire world that 1/5 of freaking One Direction, the biggest boy band right now, is freaking knocked up! I…I messed everything up and there are going to be people blaming everyone they can think of and they might be in danger and I will feel so much better if you’re with them so please mum please-

 

“Alright. Alright…I’ll go tonight.”

 

Louis let out a breath before Jay continued.

 

“On the account that you get a full night’s rest, eat a champion’s breakfast tomorrow, and promise me not to let those vile men treat you like they have been lately. Call me if anything happens, text me all the time, Louis, I’m serious, I want to be kept in the know. Keep up with your meds, remember not to stress yourself out too much, and it’s okay to take a break. If you’re tired, sleep, if you’re hungry, eat. There’s probably more I need to tell you but I can’t remember it right now, so I’ll text and call you later.”

 

They hugged each other again, and Jay stepped back.

 

“Let me grab my bags.”

 

“I’ll come help-

 

“Please-

 

“I’m pregnant, not an invalid. And I’m only in my third month, I can still lift bags.”

 

Jay figured there was no point in arguing, so she relented and walked to her guest room, Louis following close behind. She threw everything into her suitcase and duffel, and sighed when Louis grabbed the heavier one.

 

He gave her a look, before heading out of the room, out of the house to her car, thanking God that nobody knew where he lived yet.

 

They loaded their things into Jay’s car and turned embrace again.

 

“I love you so much, my sweet boy.”

 

“I love you too mummy.”

 

Neither wanted to let the other go, but eventually they did. Louis watched his mum get in the car and drive off with a final wave. He watched her car turn small and then vanish completely, and stood out there for a bit, just thinking.

 

He lied. He wanted her to stay, he wanted her to focus on him and think about him and him only and it was so selfish but his mum was so much stronger than he was, and that’s part of the reason why she had to go back to the girls.

 

He gripped the edge of his jumper and made his way back inside, taking deep, even breaths. He numbly walked up the stairs, and stopped for a bit to listen the Liam, Niall, and Zayn chatter before continuing on to his room. Harry was still on the bed, but his eyes were closed. Louis moved silently, changing his clothes, and going to the bathroom, using it and brushing his teeth. Before long, he was scooting into bed beside Harry. He turned on his side, watching Harry as he breathed slowly, in and out. Slowly, he reached his hand out and ran his fingers through Harry’s hair. Suddenly, green eyes were open and alert, staring back at him. Louis froze.

 

“You can keep doing that. I don’t mind.” Harry mumbled.

 

Louis slowly continued, and Harry moved closer. Louis froze up again.

 

“Sorry…” Harry muttered, going to move back, but Louis shook his head.

 

“No, no I’m just being weird. You can come closer.”

 

He needed to get over this already. Harry wasn’t going to hurt him. None of his boys would. Why did he keep freaking out like this?

 

Harry moved slightly.

 

“Closer Harry.”

 

He moved a tiny bit more.

 

Louis bit back a smile.

 

“Really Harry?” Louis asked. “Come right next to me.”

 

Harry smiled, and moved so that they were directly in front of each other, both curled up on their side.

 

“Can I touch you?” asked Harry, and Louis blinked.

 

“Why do you ask?”

 

“Because you look like you want to be.” Harry answered.

 

“Asked?”

 

“Yea.”

 

Louis bit his lip, scanning Harry’s face, because Harry was proving to be a thousand times more perceptive than he thought.

 

“Okay…yea, you can touch me…”

 

Harry moved his hands under the covers, to grip Louis’ hips carefully. Louis’ breath hitched, and Harry kept his eyes on Louis as he pulled Louis even closer. He then slid one of his hands under Louis’ side, so that he could wrap his arms around him. Louis buried his face in the crook of Harry’s neck and sighed softly, letting himself relax in Harry’s arms.

 

“Sleep Lou.”

 

“Kay.” he mumbled, already drifting off, mind moving away from what he did to Harry’s smell, and Harry’s warmth, and Harry’s arms, and vaguely wondering why this was all so comforting to him in the first place.

 

Louis’ phone began to vibrate from behind him and Harry carefully reached over, grabbing it. Eleanor’s picture and name was displayed, and he ignored the call, quickly unlocking Louis’ phone and deleting the call history.

 

“Who’s that?” Louis asked sleepily, eyes nearly cross-eyed while he tried to force them open.

 

“Don’t worry about it. No one important. Sleep Lou. I’ve got you.” Harry replied, turning off Louis’ phone and placing it under his pillow before snuggling up to the smaller boy in his arms.

 

Harry drifted off to the feel of Louis nestled comfortably in his arms, and that was always nice.

.

.

.

 

_He woke up because he felt wet. Opening his eyes, he was temporarily blinded by the all white around him, and nothing else. But when he looked down, there was red, leaking from between his thighs at an alarming rate. And that’s when he felt the pain. He curled up, watching as liter after liter of blood gushed out of him, and then screaming, something was clawing at his stomach, it hurt, it hurt a lot._

_Blood, and more blood, everywhere, he was drowning in it, he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t breathe, somebody please-_

_And then there was a hand, pulling him up and out, and he could breathe again. But there was blood all over him, on his face, in his eyes, and he couldn’t see._

_“Whoever you are…thank you.” he coughed out, spitting out the blood, the taste of it, that horrible taste…_

_“Anytime Tommo.”_

_No. No, that voice. No…_

_He tried to wipe the blood off his face and clean his eyes so he could see, but ended up touching a cloth instead._

_And then he felt himself grabbed and tossed onto something soft, and felt as his hands were bound and he started screaming, so loud, no, not again, it can’t happen again, please not again, and suddenly he’s naked and he’s not strong enough to get away, this man is touching him and feeling him and he had to get away, get off of him, get off get off of him get off of me get off of me_

_“Get off of me! Get off, no, stop it, stop!”_

“Louis!”

 

“Christ Liam, try to grab his legs he freaking kicked me twice-

 

“Louis you’ve got to wake up-

 

_“You couldn’t get away before, Tommo. So what makes you think you could get away now?”_

_“Please, stop it stop it no! Get off!”_

“Guys I think you should let him go, don’t hold him down like that. Whatever he’s dreaming about must be doing the same thing so-

 

“Ow, damn it, he’s got my hair-

 

“Lou baby, please, listen to my voice, you need to wake up-

 

“Seriously, don’t hold him down, Jay says just make sure he doesn’t fall off the bed-

 

“He’s nearly dripping wet-

 

“Doesn’t this freakin count as a stressful situation? Mate we need to wake him up-

 

“I’m trying! I’ve never seen him like this-

 

“Yes, remember, when he went missing-

 

“He’s screaming so loud this is the scariest thing-

 

“Liam calm down-

 

“Jay what can we do to wake him up, his skin is really red and he’s crying…can you hear him screaming? Because you’re not on speaker and I’m sure you hear this loud and clear-

 

_“Lou baby, it’s Harry, cabn you hear me? I’m right next to you, and you’re safe. You remember, a little while ago, you fell asleep right here, in my arms? Think about that, think about how safe you are, not where you think, but where you actually are. We’re in your room, in your bed, and Liam and Niall and Zayn are with us. And your mum is on the phone…right now I’m stroking your hair, and you’re hitting me really hard but I need you to know that I’m right here. It’s Harry and I’m right here and you have to wake up love, you need to listen to my voice, and open your eyes-_

Louis’ eyes snapped open and he rolled off the bed, right into Zayn who had nearly dove to make sure he didn’t fall. The older boy’s knees buckled and Zayn nearly fell with him, but Louis registered the arms around him and locked his feet where the had begun to slip, before kicking himself back, propelling both of them into the wall. Zayn grunted as his back slammed against it and from the weight of Louis’ back pressed against his chest. Louis staggered away from him, ending up falling onto the carpet where he crawled backwards until he was in a new corner of the wall, untouched. His eyes were wild and he was gasping as he looked around, trying to get a feel of where the hell he was, and what the hell was happening.

 

“Christ.” Niall whispered, and Louis’ eyes shot to him, wet and glazed, his pupils extremely dilated.

 

Liam held his hands up in  a surrendering gesture, one hand clutching his phone in hand.

 

‘Hello? Liam?’

 

He slowly moved his phone to his ear, watching how Louis followed the movement.

 

“He just woke up.” Liam spoke softly, not wanting to startle Louis, who was still watching him, until Harry moved from where he was on the bed.

 

Louis and Harry locked eyes, and then he remembered where he was, and why he was on the floor, ad why his heart was beating so fast, his nightmare, the feeling of being so helpless all over again, and how mortified he was for them to have witnessed that, and he burst into tears. Harry took that as his cue scramble off the bed over to Louis.

 

“Lou-

 

He started, but Louis shook his head and tried to push Harry away. He didn’t want anyone to see him like this. They kept catching him at his worst and taking care of him. He was the oldest but he felt like such a baby…because that’s right…he was having a baby. He was having a baby and he was losing his mind. He was really losing his mind-

 

“Louis. Look at me, please. Look.”

 

Slowly, Louis gazed at him from tear-filled eyes.

 

“I know you’re embarrassed…”

 

Louis shook his head, turning away again, because yes, he freaking was-

 

“But there’s no need to be. We all have nightmares.”

 

Yea, but not like this. Not like his. His breathing sped up even more.

 

“Louis, please, baby, look at me. You’re breathing too fast. You need to calm-

 

“Don’t tell me to calm down!” Louis yelled angrily, shoving Harry away from him, before grabbing his hair and tugging hit harshly. Harry crawled back over, grabbing Louis’ wrists with a firm grip but still taking care not to squeeze too hard.

 

“You’re hurting yourself, Louis…”

 

“I don’t care.” he answered, and Harry froze, Liam stopped talking on the phone, and Niall whipped his head around from where he had moved to help Zayn.

 

Harry took a shuddering breath. “Yes you do. Yes you do care.”

 

Louis glanced up at him, his words just registering to him, and what they actually meant, or could mean.

 

“I…” he trailed off, instead slowly releasing his fingers from his hair, arms going limp from where Harry was still holding his wrists.

 

“Say it. You do care. Say it, Louis.” Harry said, his voice getting the raw desperate tone to it that had Louis’ full attention.

 

“I…”

 

“Say it. You have to say it.”

 

Louis swallowed, his throat horribly dry.

 

“I…”

 

Harry suddenly released his wrists, storming out of Louis’ room. The room was quiet, the boys still staring at Louis before the sound of something shattering startled all of them. Liam rushed out, phone still at his ear from where he was speaking to Louis’ mum, and another crash caused Niall to follow Liam out, leaving Zayn in the with Louis.

 

“Zayn…I…”

 

Zayn got up from where he was on the ground, walking over to Louis and sitting next to him. He wrapped his arm around Louis’ shoulder, and pulled Louis closer, the older of the two leaning his head on Zayn’s shoulder.

 

“It’s okay. You’re feeling a lot right now, and your body is working for two, and the whole world is watching you, so you have a right to say certain things, even if they hurt us, and scare us.” Zayn mumbled, and it was times like this that Louis wondered if it was possible to love Zayn even more.

 

“Okay…” he rasped out, and he truly felt how messed up his throat was, from his raw screaming earlier.

 

Zayn noticed.

 

“D’you want some tea mate?” he asked softly.

 

Louis shook his head.

 

“No…can we stay here though. For a little while?”

 

“As long as you want.” Zayn answered, and pulled Louis closer.

.

.

.

 

The moment Harry had left Louis’ room, he looked for something he could destroy. He needed something to break. So he grabbed some nonsense vase he’s found a while back that he thought had been cool, and launched it down the hallway, reveling in the sound of it shattering. Something else. He needed to destroy something else.

 

He marched into the kitchen, and took a bunch of dirty dishes from the sink, tossing them to the ground and watching them burst into smaller pieces as they hit the ground, before Niall grabbed him from behind, holding him close. The blonde pulled him away from the shattered glass, and then let Harry go.

 

Harry turned around, and he and Niall stared at each other for a moment, before Harry stepped back and made his way into his room, slamming the door shut. He grabbed his phone, scrolling through his contacts and tapping on it.

 

It rang for a few moments, until they answered.

 

‘Hey bro.’

 

“Gemma.” Harry mumbled, his voice cracking.

 

‘Harry? Harry what’s wrong? I mean…I know what can be wrong but…’

 

Harry bit his lip to try and contain the cries in his throat but it didn’t work, and he started to sob, the force of them so strong it left him dizzy. He sat down on the ground and brought his knees up to his chest.

 

‘Harry…okay. Let this out, and I’m right here on the phone, okay?’

 

“O-o-o-okay.” he sobbed out, his breath hitching between cries.

 

Gemma stayed silent on the other line, waiting until Harry managed to get a little bit of himself together so he could speak.

 

“I don’t know what to do.” he finally got out.

 

‘Alright. Yea, mum’s been telling me some stuff, and you guys are on the news and everything. Is it about Louis?’ she asked.

 

“Yea. He um…he’s had it really rough and um…mum told you about what happened?”

 

‘Yea, why he was in the hospital and all that. Yea, I know. But I need to know why you’re crying Harry.”

 

“Louis…he had a really bad nightmare and he was screaming and…really freaking out, and we couldn’t wake him up, but when he finally did, he started freaking out again, and I tried to calm him down…and then he…he started pulling at his hair, really hard. And I knew it had to be hurting him so I told him that he was hurting himself and…he…he said he didn’t care. He said he didn’t care Gemma, that he didn’t care if he hurt himself and I told him that he needed too…I told him to say that he did, that he did care, and he couldn’t, and I just…I couldn’t…I left and I broke some stuff and now I’m talking to you.”

 

Harry started to cry again, but silently. He listened to Gemma sigh into the phone.

 

‘That’s…Louis’ going through a lot right now. I’m not saying that he should be thinking like that, but I can’t say I’m completely surprised that he is. He’s gotta be tired, Harry.”

 

“It’s still not okay!” Harry yelled.

 

‘I know, kiddo, I know. Let me ask you this. You sound really angry. Who are you angry at? Louis?’

 

“No…no never Louis. I’m…I’m angry at myself.”

 

‘Why?’

 

“Because I’m watching him fall apart and I’m trying so hard to keep him together but it’s not working. I’m failing him. He needs me and I’m-

 

‘I’m going to stop you right there.’

 

“Gem?”

 

“Harry…this is way, and by way, I mean, light-years out of your comfort zone. You’ve never dealt with anything like this before. You’re only nineteen, you’re in what, the biggest boy band in the universe, and your bestie’s got an egg in the yolk. There’s no manual to give you any sort of guidance on this. So all you can do is try. And you are trying. You’re trying your hardest, and even if Louis’ doesn’t seem to be getting better, I know he appreciates your efforts.”

 

Harry was quiet for a moment, soaking up what she just told him.

 

“But what if it’s not enough? What if him appreciating it is not enough, and I lose him? I can’t lose him Gem, I can’t…”

 

‘I hate to say this…but there’s always the chance that…things don’t work out. And if by some chance it doesn’t…God forbid anything else goes wrong…you tried. It’ll hurt like a bitch, really, it’ll hurt so much, but you’ll be able to take some comfort, however small it may be, in the fact that you tried your very hardest to make things better.’

 

Harry was silent.

 

‘And give Louis’ a little credit. He’s fighting too, maybe even harder than you. And I’ve never seen a better duo than a Harry and Louis one. If both of you are fighting together, for the same thing, and Zayn, Liam, and Niall are all fighting with you… you’ll be nearly unstoppable.’

 

“Thanks, Gemma.” Harry sniffled, into the phone.

 

‘Anytime, cupcake. Now, get off the phone and get your arse over to your cutie. Let him know that you’re not mad at him, because he  might think so.’

 

“Kay.”

 

‘Love you, Harry.”

 

“I love you too, Gemma.”

 

Harry ended the call, and he sat for a moment, wiping his eyes and face, before getting up. He went into the kitchen first, seeing Niall on the phone now while Liam swept up all the broken glass.

 

“I’m sorry.” Harry muttered, and they both looked up at him.

 

Niall offered a thumbs up, and Liam smiled.

 

“It’s fine Harry. S’been a rough night. Days. Weeks.”

 

Harry nodded, and turned around, heading back into Louis’ room. When he got there, he saw Louis sound asleep on the bed, Zayn kneeling beside him, humming under his breath and running his hand through Louis’ hair.

 

Zayn looked up as Harry entered.

 

“Hey. You good?”

 

Harry nodded.

 

“Cool. So I’ll let you take over then. I know you want to.”

 

Zayn stood up, stretching a bit.

 

“Are you okay? I mean…you took a pretty hard hit on the wall…”

 

Zayn smiled.

 

“It’s fine.”

 

Zayn then moved closer, pulling Harry into a tight hug, which Harry returned.

 

“It’s fine, Harry. It’s going to be fine. We’re gonna work through all of this. And we’ll be okay.” Zayn mumbled, before releasing Harry and exiting the room, shutting the door softly behind him.

 

Harry stared at Louis’ sleeping form, thankfully calm, or maybe exhausted, taking a few steps and crawling in beside him. Louis, as if sensing Harry’s presence, turned around to face him, sighing softly. Harry took Louis’ limp hand softly in his.

 

“Oh Louis…I wish…I wish you understood how much I love you…and how much I’ll do for you…how much we all love you really. I…we love you you much, and…I’m so shite at this but…we need you. I need you… So…you have to care, okay? You have to care about what happens to you. You have to care if you’re hurting yourself. You…you have to stick around. I… I don’t know what I’d do if… What any of us would do if… I know know it’s so selfish but I can’t lose you.  That’s why I was upset…I…care about you so much and I’m trying and it doesn’t seem like it’s enough and I’m sorry. Okay Louis? I’m so sorry. So please…remember that you’re not alone, and that you can tell us anything, and we’ll always be here. So please Louis…please…”

 

Harry trailed off, not knowing what else to say. Not knowing how he could possibly convey what he was feeling and put it into words. So he slowly pulled Louis’ hand to his lips, placing a soft kiss on the sleeping boy’s knuckles.

 

“I just…I really, really love you, Louis.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t imagine how many mistakes must be here. I literally… Once I heard someone say that writer’s block wasn’t a real thing and I just hope you get a foot stuck in the toilet or something because…yea. My apologies must seem so feeble right now because I always do and nothing changes, and that’s…not cool…but I really am sorry.
> 
> I don’t even know what this chapter is, to be honest, but I HAD to give you guys something, even if it’s this mess.
> 
> Aside from my monumental list shortcomings, I can’t express enough what you guys mean to me, and how kind you’ve been, to stick around for something that should have been done 88389327529875 years ago, holy crap.
> 
> I love each and every one of you, you beautiful amazing people. 
> 
> Now, onwards we go. :)


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what this is, sorry. So many mistakes, I'm sure.

Louis woke up to silence. Blissful silence, and warmth, and calm. No nightmare this time. Someone was touching him, his hair. It was soft, and he liked it. It was weird, honestly, it was, he shouldn’t know someone by the feel of their hand but he just knew this wasn’t Harry.

 

It’d be nice if it were Harry.

 

But why would it be? Why does he think of these things?

 

His eyes fluttered for a moment before he finally opened them, and was met with pretty brown eyes, and more hair then he could handle at the moment, so he went cross-eyed.

 

She giggled, ruffling his hair and moving back.

 

“Hi Danielle.” Louis mumbled, his voice raspy, throat still spent from earlier.

 

Or…later….what time was it?

 

“Wa time izzit?” he asked, burrowing further in the covers.

 

Danielle shuffled, grabbing her phone.

 

“Two twenty eight. P.M.”

 

Louis’ eyes shot back open. Seriously?

 

“Wh-

 

“Liam was texting me, said you had a bad dream. It was round four in the morning when he did. I decided to pop by, so, here I am. How are you feeling?”

 

Louis sighed, before shuffling closer to her.

 

“Like crap.” he mumbled.

 

“I’m sure. Wanna talk about your dream?”

 

It was quiet for a moment.

 

“Not really.” he replied.

 

Danielle stared at him, frowning. “I really don’t want to push you, honestly, but you have to talk about something. You have a lot going on and you can’t keep all of this bottled up.”

 

Louis shrugged. “I’m doing alright.”

 

“Your ‘alright’ is way different from everybody else’s love.”

 

“I…I don’t know what to tell you…I mean…the only reason why I told you guys I was attacked was because I didn’t want El to think I cheated on purpose-

 

“You didn’t cheat at all, Louis.”

 

Louis stared at her, nodding slowly.

 

“Ok…I…I didn’t want her to think I cheated, but I had to tell you I was pregnant because…I…I…I don’t even know why I told you, but I was freaking out and I couldn’t tell the boys. I just couldn’t.”

 

Danielle nodded.

 

“Alright. But are you ever going to tell them? About your…assault, I mean.”

 

Louis’ breath hitched. “I…I can’t.”

 

“Have you ever thought, why, you can’t? What’s holding you back?”

 

The two looked at each other, and Louis brought his hand up to his mouth, biting his lip.

 

“I try not to think about it.”

 

“And how’s that working out for you?” she asked.

 

He didn’t answer. Instead, he got up and walked over to his bathroom, grabbing his toothbrush. Danielle watched from the bed as he brushed his teeth and washed his face. She then got up as well and tossed some pajama pants on the floor into the bathroom along with a jumper.

 

“Alright. I get it, we’ll talk later. Eleanor’s here, by the way.”

 

She watched as Louis froze.

 

“Is she?” he muttered, finishing getting dressed.

 

Danielle nodded. Louis sighed, before searching the bed and his bedside table.

 

“D’you see my phone anywhere?”

 

Danielle grabbed it from atop his desk.

 

“Yea. It was on the floor. I almost stepped on it.”

 

Louis mumbled a thanks, and the two headed out to where everyone else was. Everyone was seated around the island in the kitchen, and it was oddly quiet. Niall, Liam, and Zayn glanced between Eleanor and Harry, both donning extremely annoyed looks on their faces. They all turned when they heard Danielle and Louis enter. Harry immediately got up from his chair, offering it to Louis. Louis smiled up at him, taking the seat.

 

He stared at everyone for a moment, before muttering a, “Sup.”

 

“Been taking and ignoring calls all day.” Zayn replied, before adding, “Perrie wants to come over. Can she?”

 

Louis’ face lit up. “Yea, I haven’t seen her in ages. Just tell her to take extra care in not being spotted. I don’t feel like moving yet.”

 

Zayn nodded and turned his attention to his phone.

 

“Do you want a cuppa?” Harry asked, moving toward the kettle anyways.

 

“Yes, Harry, you darling boy.” Louis replied, before looking to Eleanor.

 

“How’s your twitter?” he asked.

 

“I told everyone I wouldn’t be answering any questions remotely to do with your pregnancy, but they still ask anyways. Don’t go on.”

 

Louis blinked. “Why?” he asked.

 

She bit her lip and exchanged a quick glance with Danielle, and the rest of the table went a bit quiet.

 

“They’re sayin some disgustin stuff Louis. You should wait a bit.”

 

“What, until I get bigger, and things ‘calm down’? No, I think it’s gonna be like this for a while. It’s alright. I want to see.”

 

“Lou-

 

“I want to see, Liam.”

 

Louis grabbed his phone, turning it on, before frowning. “Low battery. I’m gonna get my charger.”

 

He hopped off his stool, and made his way to his bedroom. The moment he vanished, Harry whirled around, glaring.

 

“Did you think by telling him not to go on twitter, he’d actually sit there and NOT go on twitter?”

 

“Pardon?” asked Eleanor, glaring back.

 

“You don’t know him at all.” Harry mumbled, turning back to the stove.

 

“Oh, and you do?” Eleanor asked, clenching her fists.

 

Harry snorted, grabbing multiple mugs.

 

“Do the rest of you want tea?” he asked, and they mumbled, more focused on the growing argument at hand.

 

“Harry, I don’t know what you’re on about-

 

“Zayn, cream and sugar?” Harry asked, ignoring her completely.

 

Zayn blinked, glancing between the two. “Uh, yea mate, thanks.”

 

Harry asked everyone else what they wanted, and placed their mugs in front of them. When he gave Eleanor hers, she glanced down at it, suspicious.

 

“I keep the arsenic in the bottom drawer just for occasions like these.” Harry muttered sarcastically, before taking a sip of his and glancing towards where Louis went.

 

He looked over at Danielle, and she looked back, nodding. She grabbed hers and Louis’ mugs, before heading to Louis’ room.

.

.

.

 

Louis’ phone started vibrating the moment he started walking away, with missed calls and texts and voicemails. He swallowed thickly, choosing to ignore those for the moment. He entered his room, grabbing his charger and plugging it in, before sitting on the edge of his bed, checking twitter.

 

He was every trending topic.

 

Things from #ABOMINATION, #cheatingwhore, #pooreleanor, #larry, #staystrongLouis, and more.

 

He scrolled through each topic, people saying how disgusting he is, that the abomination should be killed, that he is encouraging teen pregnancy, but he’s not a teenager, that he’s a cheater and a horrible role model, that he ruined One Direction, that he should be kicked out, that he’s a worthless cheating knocked up faggot…

 

And another trend caught his attention.

 

#whoisthefather

 

A moment of dizziness hit him and he shuddered, placing his phone on his lap so he could clutch at the tussled bed sheets to steady himself.

 

No. No no no.

 

He hadn’t thought about that. He hadn’t…what is  _he_ saw? What if…what if  _he_ knows it’s  _his_? What…no, the baby doesn’t belong…this baby is his. It’s in him, it’s growing in him, it does not belong to…

 

His phone started ringing, and he looked down to see who it was. It read Will, and gingerly, he answered.

 

“Hello?”

 

‘You idiot! Do you realize what you’ve done!? You’ve ruined your band! You’ve ruined this company! Did you even take a moment to think about this!? About everything!? It’s bad enough that you went and slept around but you had no right to do this! You better pray to whatever god you believe in that we can clean up your mess, you little twat-

Louis launched his phone across the room in a rare fit of mindless rage, watching it crack against his wall. The phone fell apart as it hit the floor, and he stared at it with a blank face.

 

Danielle stepped in hurriedly, hot tea in her hands.

 

“Louis?” she whispered worriedly, glancing at the broken phone, and then back at him.

 

He looked over at her and stood up, reaching for his mug with the H <3 L design, taking a tentative sip.

 

Just how he liked it.

 

“Louis?” tried Danielle again, and he shrugged at her, focusing more on willing the trembling in his hands to go away.

 

He didn’t want to spill the tea.

“Louis…this not talking thing isn’t going to work. And you know it.”

 

Louis looked at her.

 

“Then I’ll hold out as long as I can.”

 

Danielle gripped her mug angrily.

 

“That’s only going to hurt you, Louis.”

 

Louis shrugged again.

 

“You don’t care?” she asked.

 

He laughed. It was strange. Hollow. Bitter.

 

“Apparently not. Ask Harry. And the other boys. They know.”

 

“Lou-

 

“I don’t want to talk about this, Dani, and you can’t make you.”

 

“I’m not trying to  _make_ you do anything. I’m trying to help you.”

 

“You can’t help me.”

 

“You’re right. I can’t help someone who doesn’t want it.” 

 

Danielle shook her head sadly and left the room, Louis staring at her retreating back.

 

It’s not that he didn’t want help. It’s just that he needed he needed so much help he didn’t know where to start.

 

He was afraid.

.

.

.

 

Harry took one look at Danielle’s face when she returned before heading into Louis’ room himself.

 

Louis was seated on the bed, sipping his tea stoically, and Harry sat down next to him.

 

“You always know how I like my tea.” Louis mumbled.

 

Harry shrugged.

 

“Well, I know you.” he answered in return.

 

“I guess.”

 

Harry looked over.

 

“You guess?”

 

“You think you know me, but you don’t. Not really.”

 

Harry placed his now empty mug in the floor by his feet, before running his hand through Louis’ hair softly.

 

“I know a lot more than you think.”

 

Louis laughed. “If you say so.”

 

“I mean…nobody knows everything about everyone but…I’d like to think I know you better than most.”

 

Louis gazed at Harry for a moment, before nodding.

 

“Yea…you do. You always see more…” Louis trailed off.

 

“More what?”

 

“More than I want you to.” Louis answered, before leaning back onto the bed, getting in a more comfortable position.

 

Harry looked down at him from where he was seated. “Does it bother you?” he asked, “That I can see more than others?”

 

Louis bit his lip before answering, “Honestly…sometimes it makes me nervous. Because there are some things I want to stay hidden. That I don’t want you to know.”

 

Harry moved so that he was laying beside Louis, and he took the older boy’s hand in his, trailing his fingers softly against his skin.

 

“It wouldn’t change my opinion of you, if that’s what you’re worried about.” Harry said, after a while.

 

“It’s…yes. It would. And also…I don’t even know why I don’t want you to know. I just…don’t.”

 

Harry was silent for a moment, before he suddenly rolled himself so that he was on top of Louis, straddling him. Louis gasped, wide eyed, as Harry leaned down so that they were face to face.

 

“Harry…” he gasped out, breathless. 

 

He started to tremble.

 

Harry cupped Louis’ face in his hands.

 

“I won’t hurt you, Louis.”

 

Harry wouldn’t hurt him. Harry wouldn’t hurt him. Harry wouldn’t hurt him.

 

“These…secrets…they’re hurting you. And…I’d rather we shared this pain, than for you to hurt alone.”

 

At another time, there was another man, who’d forced himself on top of Louis and done whatever he’d wanted, taking what he wished, without a care in the world if Louis got hurt or not. And it was hard, not to draw parallels, feeling the weight of another male atop him like this, intimate like this, so close to him, feeling his warm breath fanning against his face.

 

But…this didn’t hurt. Harry wouldn’t hurt him.

 

Louis didn’t realize he was clenching his eyes shut until his opened them, only to be lost in a familiar calming green, and eventually, he stopped trembling, and allowed himself to breath normally.

 

Louis slowly brought his hands to Harry’s sides, gripping his shirt tightly.

 

“I…” he whispered, before trailing his hands under Harry’s shirt, just wanting to feel skin.

 

He listened as Harry’s breath hitched, felt as Harry jolted slightly at the feeling.

 

“Harry…I…”

 

He could tell Harry. He could tell Harry everything. He could watch Harry’s eyes go dark, and wet, and fill with tears and pity, or perhaps disgust at his weakness, his faults…

 

Just as he could watch Harry’s dilate at the feel of his sensitive touches as he let his fingers dance across Harry’s skin.

 

Louis didn’t know what he wanted.

 

Louis didn’t know what to do.

 

He opened his mouth, and then the doorbell rang. They both jumped.

 

“That must be Perrie.” Louis mumbled, still caught in Harry’s eyes.

 

Harry nodded, before slowly moving from on top of him, sitting up in the bed.

 

Louis felt strangely cold.

.

.

.

 

Perrie came bearing gifts. Gifts as in a boatload of food, and after her came Lou and Lux.

 

“I have bags of stuff for Louis. Can you help me bring them.”

 

Liam and Niall immediately followed her back out while Harry knelt down and gently grabbed Lux, spinning her around in the air. The toddler squealed in delight. Perrie placed her bags down and immediately grabbed Louis in a fierce hug, actually lifting him off the ground for a split second. Louis let out a manly screech, incredibly manly, thank you, before he hugger her back.

 

“You bumhead. You should have text me or something.” Perrie mumbled into the hug, before pulling back.

 

Louis sighed.

 

“It’s…complicated. And my phone is broken.”

 

Perrie frowned.

 

“I threw it against a wall.”

 

The two stared at each other for a moment, before Perrie smiled.

 

“Do what you need to do. Say what you want to say when you feel like saying it. That sort of thing. Now…I brought food. Let’s eat it.”

 

Everyone set to getting plates and utensils, while Liam and Niall returned with the bags Lou brought. Louis glanced over, curious, before Harry leaned his head against his shoulder.

 

“Did you take your meds?” he asked softly, smiling fondly as Lux tugged at his hair.

 

“Yea.” Louis answered, turning around to tap Harry on the nose, along with Lux, smiling at her giggles.

 

They all found a place to sit and eat, Perrie plopping herself on Zayn’s lap, Liam and Danielle cuddling side by side on a sofa. Niall grabbed some of the stools into the living room, so that he and Lou could sit. Harry, Louis, and Eleanor took the other sofa, Lux sitting on Harry’s lap. The two shared a plate.

 

It was quiet for a while, everyone focused on their food, before Louis spoke up.

 

“What’s in the bags?” he asked.

 

Lou answered. “Maternity clothes.”

 

Louis choked.

 

“For men.” she continued, and the all stared at her wide-eyed.

 

“Right, so after your surprise last night, Christ, this guy contacted me about how he makes maternity clothes for men, a cute little shop. It’s pretty obvious you’d need some, I suppose, and we and a few others in the style department met up in the middle of the night, and he showed me some stuff, and I took some for you. I mean…now that you’re in the spotlight…while preggers, I figured you might as well try some of these.”

 

It was quiet, even little Lux keeping silent at the tension in the room.

 

“Thank you.” Louis mumbled, awed and a little bit touched at the thought. “And thanks for…you know…not freaking out when you found out earlier.”

 

“You knew?” asked Niall, mouth dropping open.

 

“Yea, before you interview, the one when you guys weren’t talking.”

 

She looked pointedly at them all, taking in their ashamed looks before continuing her meal.

 

“It’s gonna work out. Simon is peeing blood I’m sure, and the rest are probably foaming at the mouth, but it’s gonna work out.”

 

It was silent again, Louis taking her kind into account. Harry nudged Louis gently, and Louis smiled.

.

.

.

 

Things had somewhat settled down in the flat, Perrie deciding to stay over, her and Zayn sharing a guest room. Eleanor had had to leave. Danielle and Liam where huddled together on the sofa, whispering to each other while Niall spoke to fans on twitter, being his normal charming self, and managing to make the fans laugh amongst the chaos.

 

Lou had left with Lux, not wanting to stay too late, and now Louis was in Harry’s room. Louis’ hair was still damp from his shower, as he leaned over his laptop, contemplating on whether he should say anything else. He listened to Harry signing in the shower, and smiled softly, before he reached for the boys’ phone, unlocking it and calling his mum.

 

Jay sounded happy to here from him, and also extremely concerned and a bit angry.

 

‘Really, Boo, the things they’re saying…’

 

“We knew things would be kind of nasty though, mum.”

 

‘Doesn’t mean I like it. I told that hate church, the one that hates gays and soldiers, where they could stuff their signs-

 

“Mum!” Louis laughed, and the sound of the shower cut off. He glanced toward the closed bathroom door for a moment, before logging onto twitter.

 

‘Don’t let them get to you, love. My darling boy.’

 

Louis smiled.

 

“I’ll try my best, mummy.”

 

‘Good. And you know the door is always open if you want to get away.’

 

“How is the house?”

 

‘Loads of people outside, but the police actually formed a barrier.’

 

“That’s…” Louis trailed off.

 

‘Yea. One moment, Daisy and Phoebe Tomlinson! Put those down right now- Sorry, Boo-

 

“No, it’s fine mum. Kiss the girl’s for me. Love you.”

 

He hung up, just as Harry exited the bathroom, in a towel and nothing else. Louis filed his reaction away in the ‘Things Harry Makes Me Feel’ part of his brain for later thought, as his mouth went bone dry and his temperature seemed to go up, mouth opening in a breathless gasp. Harry was running another towel through his hair, drying it. Louis watched, mesmerized. Harry’s always had a nice body but…this was just…he trailed his gaze over Harry’s tattoos, his muscles, his pretty skin, the small beads of water still dripping down slowly, lower, lower, traveling the pathway of his v-line, lower, vanishing…

 

He glanced back up to see Harry watching him. His cheeks flushed.

 

“You alright?” Harry asked, trying and failing not to smirk.

 

Louis could only nod, flushing even darker at the look on Harry’s face, as if he knew Louis couldn’t really manage words at the moment.

 

Stupid Harry and his bangin bod.

 

As soon as that thought ran through his mind, he almost choked.

 

What was wrong with him? This was Harry…why was he thinking these things about his best friend?

 

The same best friend who…had straddled him. And the same best friend who…not too long ago, almost shared a kiss with him in a cold shower. The same best friend who could stop his breath with a touch, no…a  _look_.

 

Did he…was he falling for-

 

“Who’s still here?” asked Harry, interrupting his train of thought.

 

“What?” Louis responded, dazedly.

 

“At the flat…?” Harry continued slowly, pulling on some boxers.

 

“Oh, um, Perrie stayed, the boys are here, I think Dani is still here, but El had to go.”

 

“Of course she did.” Harry muttered, rolling his eyes.

 

Louis blinked. “Hm?” he asked, and Harry shook his head, instead climbing into bed next to Louis, glancing at the laptop screen.

 

“I think you should wait until tomorrow, after the next meeting.”

 

Ah, right. Another emergency meeting.

 

“That’s gonna be fun.” Louis moaned.

 

“We gotcha back.”

 

Louis snorted.

 

“Please don’t ever.”

 

“What, can’t handle my cool talk.”

 

“Harry you’re such a lame.”

 

“You love me though.”

 

“Of course, you and your lame arse.”

 

Harry blew a kiss, and Louis pretended to eat it.

 

“Really Lou?” asked Harry playfully.

 

Louis stuck his tongue out before turning to his screen. “What was the name of the guy who gave Lou the clothes. Wait never mind, I remember.”

 

He searched in Tate Corbin on twitter, and he popped up.

 

“He has a twitter.” Louis mumbled, before looking through it.

 

“He gets a lot of hate for making these clothes.” Harry whispered, curling up closer to Louis.

 

“Yea.” Louis agreed, before clicking follow.

 

He knew fans looked at who he followed, analyzed it, made a big deal depending. This would make a statement for sure. Harry shut the laptop screen, pushing it away and pulling Louis closer to him.

 

“You’re shaking.”

 

Louis blinked, not even realizing it. He figured he was so used to feeling afraid he didn’t notice as much as he should.

 

“It will be okay.”

 

“You don’t know that Harry.”

 

“Well, you have Dani, Perrie…Eleanor fighting on your side. You have all of our mums fighting on your side. You have the boys fighting on your side. You have…me…fighting on you’re side. You’re not alone Lou...and I think we make a pretty good team.”

 

Louis burrowed his face into the crook of Harry’s neck, pulling his arms around his stomach, where a little life lay, unaware. Harry wrapped his arms around Louis, humming a soft tune.

 

Louis liked the way it felt, the vibration of Harry’s voice against his skin.

 

He was so warm.

 

He felt so safe.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Larry moments. (◡‿◡✿)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy crap.

 

-I need to talk to you- Eleanor

 

Harry stared at the text, sighing softly as he tried to think of what good could possibly come of this. He glanced over at Louis who was sound asleep at his shoulder as they were driven to where the next meeting would take place.

 

Harry sighed again, frowning.

 

-Fine- Harry

 

He fiddled with his phone, turning it over and around in his hands, steadying Louis when they hit a bump in the road.

 

-What time is good for you?- Eleanor

 

Harry rolled his eyes.

 

-You’re the one who wants to talk. Figure something out and I’ll tell you yes or no.-Harry

 

Her reply was almost immediate.

 

-And here I was trying to be accommodating.- Eleanor

 

-Whatever- Harry 

 

He put his phone in his jacket pocket and carefully adjusted his position so he could sit more comfortably. Louis shifted slightly, his right hand coming up to his stomach. He clutched at his shirt tightly, his face forming a small frown. Harry frowned in return, before sighing and leaning his head back. Someone nudged his foot from across, and he glanced up to see Niall looking at him.

 

“You alright mate?” he mouthed silently, and Harry nodded, shifting slightly to lean against the window as to not disturb Louis. Louis sighed in his sleep, and Harry clenched his fist in an attempt to ignore the urge to cradle Louis. He closed his eyes and let the slight rocking of the van lull him to sleep.

 

Niall watched Harry drift off, looking at his clenched hands, watching them slowly go limp. And, unsurprisingly, his right hand moved of its own accord to rest atop Louis’ on his lap. It was as if Harry’s body needed to be touching as much of Louis as possible.

 

Very interesting.

 

He thought back to Harry’s interactions with Eleanor. What Zayn and Liam had told him when he’d been in the kitchen with Jay. How Louis had checked Harry out, how Harry had bragged about it.

 

There was something going on.

 

The looks Eleanor gave Harry when he wasn’t looking. The way she’d cling to Louis whenever she visited, the smirks she gave Harry when Louis held her hand and kissed her.

 

Yup. There was definitely something going on.

 

Liam wasn’t stupid. Zayn wasn’t stupid. And he wasn’t stupid.

 

Niall sighed and drummed his fingers against his knees. Liam and Zayn were whispering to each other, but Niall couldn’t be bothered to eavesdrop. Louis twitched rather violently, immediately waking Harry up from his powernap. He blinked dazedly, wondering why he woke up, when Louis went stiff.

 

“Harry…” he sighed, his voice coming out in a breathy whisper.

 

All the boys froze and turned to Louis, before glancing at Harry who stared wide-eyed, a growing blush on his face.

 

The way he’d whispered his name…it was so…

 

“Sounds like a good dream.” mumbled Zayn, barely hiding a smirk at the look on Harry’s face.

 

Niall and Liam locked eyes for a moment, and Niall nodded.

 

They’d talk later.

 

And then they arrived. Immediately, they felt that deep sinking feeling that they seemed to get more often than not now at the thought of a meeting with management. Harry shook Louis softly, and Louis groaned quietly as he sat up, yawning. Both hands came to rest on his tiny baby bump as he looked around.

 

His paled visibly, remembering where they’d been headed.

 

“It’s alright.” Harry mumbled, nudging him gently.

 

“It really isn’t.” he replied, and he was too tired and annoyed and nervous and nauseas to argue, so he closed his eyes and leaned back while Paul parked.

 

“What were you dreaming about?” Zayn asked suddenly.

 

Louis opened his eyes, wondering who the question was aimed at, before catching Zayn’a gaze.

 

“Me?” Louis asked, and Zayn nodded.

 

Louis stared at Zayn silently, before looking over at the other boys, Niall and Liam looking on curiously, and Harry staring at his lap. Their expressions were…he didn’t know _what_ they were, but they seemed to be in on something he wasn’t aware off. 

  
“Nothing.” he answered, keeping his face carefully blank.

 

“Must have been a good nothing.” Zayn replied, and Harry made a strange noise that drew Louis’ attention, but not his gaze, him more focused on holding Zayn’s stare.

 

“Very.”

 

Harry made another noise, a weird squeak of sorts. His face was red.

 

Zayn opened his mouth to say something else, but Paul interrupted.

 

“Boys, you head on up.”

 

They all froze again, before stepping out, and into the building. They walked through the familiar hall, into the lift to their usual conference room. The ride up was silent, and when the doors opened, the stepped out and stood there, not moving any further.

 

Louis fiddled with the ends of his shirt, thinking back to the last time he was here. The blood, seeping through his jeans, smeared against the white of the bathroom tile, all over his hands, Harry’s hands, Harry trying to pull him up and his fingers slipping through, the blood, the blood, the blood the blood the blood-

 

“Lou?” asked Niall loudly, and Louis blinked, staring into Niall’s bright blue eyes.

 

“You’re alright.”

 

It was more of a statement than a question, and Louis found himself nodding.

 

“Group hug.” Liam commanded, and they all pulled together in a familiar, warm, and comfortable tangle of limbs.

 

“We’re gonna get through this boys.” said Liam, and they separated, each taking a deep breath.

 

They walked down the corridor and into the conference room, heads held high.

.

.

.

 

Louis said nothing for the first fifteen minutes of the meeting, instead fixing himself a cup of tea at the refreshment table, along with a croissant. He munched as he listened in, as they went through charts and sales and fans and gossip and ‘the fallout’. They’d yet to make a comment on his specific actions.

 

He took a long sip of his tea, soothing his throat which was still a tad hoarse.

 

“We’ve been thinking of ways to help…control…this mess.”

 

Louis looked up at that. Harry placed his hand on Louis’ thigh.

 

“A huge concern right now is the image you pregnancy is projecting. A young, single parent.”

 

“My mother did it. Why can’t I?”

 

Will snorted.

 

“She wasn’t in the spotlight. It’s just…not a good look.”

 

Neither was his face, Louis thought, but he kept that to himself.

 

A woman named Jenna spoke up.

 

“There were a number of ways we thought of to counter this image. The favorable one is…to let Harry reveal himself as the father.”

 

Harry’s hand tightened against Louis’ thigh, and Louis swallowed a piece of the pastry thickly, the hardly chewed food struggling down his throat.

 

“Absolutely not.” he rasped out, fumbling to take another long sip to help the food go down.

 

“Lou-

 

“No. That will literally never happen. Ever.”

 

“Think about what you’re saying, thi-

 

“I don’t care. No.”

 

“Louis mate…”

 

Louis turned to look at Niall.

 

“It could work man, there are lots of fans who’d love it.”

 

Louis shook his head.

 

“I’m the only parent.”

 

Liam bit his lip before adding, “It wouldn’t be real. We’d know the truth-

 

“It doesn’t matter.”

 

Harry finally spoke up.

 

“I wouldn’t mind, Lou. I’d do it for you…for the band. It’s okay.”

 

Louis looked at Harry, gazed into those pretty green eyes, impossibly big, impossibly beautiful, impossibly honest and sincere. He really would. He really, really would.

 

“Then the other option was to contact the child’s other parent, the biological one. It might be awkward, assuming this was a one night stand type of thing.”

 

Contact…contact the…

 

Louis sat back in his chair, stunned.

 

To have Harry shoulder the burden…to put Harry in a place to claim he was the father…they had no idea…no idea what that freaking meant…they didn’t know anything…they…these stupid idiots, screw all of them, they didn’t understand…

 

And they never would, unless he told them, and he couldn’t. he physically couldn’t get the words past his mouth. He was such a moron, A weak, stupid, screw up. He…

 

No.

 

“No. The answer is no. And you can’t make me change my mind. Won’t. Ever. I don’t want Harry to say he’s the father…which makes me wonder what I’m called in all this…and I sure as hell won’t be making any sort of contact with…that man…” Louis trailed off, before letting out a bitter laugh. “You have no idea what you’re asking. None.”

 

Will, Jenna, and the rest of the room frowned.

 

“It’s understandable if you split under uncertain terms.”

 

“The answer is still no.”

 

“Louis!”

 

“Don’t yell.” said Zayn.

 

Will glared.

 

“Louis…you have placed this band in a near impossible situation. Parents don’t want their little girls and boys following your lead and ruining their lives.”

 

The boys frowned.

 

“His life isn’t ruined.” Harry protested.

 

“Well, it isn’t really on track, and he’s not something to look up to now, is he?”

 

Zayn moved to stand up but Liam pressed him back, glaring at Will.

 

“We can get through this without the insults, _mate_.”

 

Will ignored him.

 

“Louis, I know you’re upset, but these are the consequences. Nobody told you to get pregnant.”

 

“Oh, because sperm can always change it’s mind when a pregnancy is unwanted.” Louis snarled.

 

Will laughed.

 

“Well you should have thought about that. Condoms are a thing, kid, and you should have used one.

 

Something in Louis exploded.

 

This man knew _nothing_.

 

“Listen to me, you ripe, stinking, twat. You got away with putting me down last time, you and that miserable bug eyed bitch, and you even put me in the hospital…but not today. Whatever plan you had involving Harry and that man can shove so far up your arse you’ll taste the jam I got on my fingers, and if you can’t handle that, then take it up with my dick.”

 

He shoved his chair back and left the room in a whirlwind of stomping feet and rampant cursing. Everyone was literally stared at the open door slack jawed. Nobody knew what to say.

.

.

.

 

Louis gripped the edge of the sink in the bathroom he’d taken shelter in. Will and his entire crew of asshole’s could get bent. No…no…that…that phrase had certain implications…certain…no…he wouldn’t wish that on anyone, not even them.

 

He suddenly found himself gagging, followed by a wet cough that had him keeled over and he staggered to the toilet, heaving. There went his breakfast.

 

He couldn’t keep this up.

 

Someone knocked.

 

“Louis?”

 

It was Harry.

 

“Go the hell away.” he rasped out.

 

“I…” Harry trailed off, his voice going into a mumble.

 

Louis spit, steadying himself as he walked back to the sink. He ran the water, washing his face and his mouth out, before drying his hands. He popped a mint into his mouth and closed the lid of the toilet, sitting on it propping his head up on his elbows.

 

“What!”

 

Louis blinked, lifting his head back up to hear better. More mumbling, and the sound of someone running.

 

“Holy Christ!”

 

That was Niall. What was happening?

 

“Lou…Louis we need to go.”

 

Harry’s voice had a panicked edge to it, and Louis felt something cold pass through him as he stood up and unlocked the door, opening it to see Harry looking rather pale. 

 

He stepped out, ready to ask what the hell was going on when he noticed Paul.

 

“Paul?” he asked, and no, his voice did not waver.

 

“They found out you were here. There are at least two thousand people outside. Press, protestors, fans, you name it.”

 

Louis blanched.

 

“But…but-

 

“There’s a taxi downstairs.”

 

Louis’ eyebrows furrowed.

 

“Why not just take the van?” Zayn asked, coming around the corner. He looked a bit peaky as well.

 

“They’ll know you’re in there. It’s obvious. The big black van. There are too many people, this is seriously a security risk. There are some angry folks down there who look like they’d break windows.” Paul answered, and Louis felt as if he’d be sick again.

 

“The problem is, the taxi’s a five seater, regular car. We forgot to specify, and there’s no time. We need to get you out, and someplace safe. We booked a hotel, the whole floor. Sorry boys. Nest time, we’ll be better prepared.”

 

Liam, who’d made his way over, sighed breathlessly.

 

“This is…” he stopped, not knowing what to say.

 

“The taxi is tinted, so they won’t see us.”

 

“Us?” asked Niall.

 

“I’m driving. The guy will be compensated.”

 

Zayn snorted.

 

“We’ll bring you stuff when things calm down a bit.”

 

“What about the rest of this meeting?” asked Louis, glancing down the hallway.

 

“They’re gonna call us.” answered Liam.

 

Paul’s walkie-talkie blared loudly.

 

“One got in! White male, about 5’11! Slipped through, no idea how, lost sight of him, turned a corner, he’s fast! Heads up, we don’t know if he’s armed.”

 

At the sound of that, Louis’ hands immediately went to wrap around his belly, and he went rigid.

 

“Let’s go, now.” Spoke Paul, grabbing Louis’ arm and tugging him along at a brisk walk, the other boys following.

 

“Where’s the rest of security?” asked Liam.

 

“Downstairs trying to stop that riot from getting in here.”

 

Louis pulled at the material of his shirt from where he clutched at his stomach. His heart was pounding.

 

How did this happen? How could he let this happen? Now all the boys were in danger and it was his fault.

 

This was all his fault.

 

They got in the lift, and it was silent as Paul stood directly in front of the doors, the rest of the boys behind him. When the door opened, they were assaulted by screams. They quickly walked towards the back of the building, but not before they were spotted by the crowd trying to get through the front doors. The sound increased, and a curse from security caught their attention.

 

All turned at the sound, and then Louis was suddenly grabbed from behind. He gasped as he was yanked backward, some guy screaming something about abominations, but Louis couldn’t hear right. He had a sudden surge of adrenaline and tunnel vision, using his full strength to reach behind a grab something, anything, which in this case turned out to be the man’s shirt, and he steadied himself before ramming his head back into the man’s nose. And then he was suddenly in Paul’s arms, black spots dancing before his eyes.

 

He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t breathe…

 

When he finally managed to come back into focus, Harry was right in front of him, speaking to him, and he was in Niall’s arms. He looked to his right and Zayn and Liam both had whoever that man was cornered on the wall, both landing as many punches as they possibly could, Paul trying to pull them both off.

 

“Louis, look at me, are you hurt, are you hurt anywhere, does your stomach hurt?” Harry kept rambling off the questions and Louis could only shake his head no.

 

He was attacked…

 

They called the…baby…an abomination.

 

He blinked, before standing up carefully, Niall and Harry both reaching out to steady them.

 

“Thanks…” he mumbled, still slightly breathless.

 

He turned to Zayn, Liam, and Paul.

 

“Guys, stop. Let him go.”

 

They both turned to him, and Paul took that opportunity to scoop them both up in a massive show a strength that never failed to impress. They both struggled in his hold, and another guard ran over, grabbing the assailant in a rough choke hold.

 

“You guys need to get out of here.”

 

Louis turned back to the crowd. Many of them had their cell phones out, recording this. Some where crying, sobbing, looking terrified. Others were just screaming. Some were angry, red faced, raging. Others were hysterical.

 

He waved, putting a thumbs up. He was alright. A little shook up…but he was alright.

 

“Go!” the guard yelled, again, and Harry grabbed Louis’ hand, tugging him along. Louis glanced back at the man that attacked him, who looked a little worse for wear, with a blood nose and a massive bruise on his eye.

 

Good.

 

He smiled, and honestly, this was such a serious situation, but then instead of just smiling, he was laughing. He stumbled and Harry caught him, looking even more worried.

 

“Louis?”

 

“No no…it’s fine…Zayn and Liam are my protectors.”

 

The two had finally been set down, still seething, but Zayn turned back to smile.

 

“Hell yea.” he said.

 

Louis pulled himself away from Harry, speeding up to catch up with Liam, and grabbed his hand.

 

“I’m alright Liam. Thank you.”

 

Liam turned to glance at him, his angry pout turning into a soft smile.

 

“Anything for you boys.” he replied.

 

And somehow, Louis ended up in the middle, the rest of his boys around him as they made their way to where their ride was located.

 

And he never felt safer.

.

.

.

 

When they arrived at the car, it was even smaller than they thought.

 

“Louis, take shot gun.”

 

“I’d rather not, thanks. I want to sit in the back.”

 

“It’s the safest seat.” Liam stated, and Paul rolled his eyes.

 

“We don’t have time for this boys.”

 

“Christ Almighty, I’ll take the front then. But you’re gonna be squished back there.”

 

“Someone sit on someone’s lap.”

 

“Louis!”

 

They all turned to Zayn, who blushed a bit, because why was he yelling.

 

“Louis…um…being squished probably isn’t…erm…safe…for the baby. You should sit on someone’s lap…yea. And you’re um…the smallest? Yea.”

 

Zayn locked eyes with Niall, and then with Liam, and they all bit their lips to contain their smiles.

 

“Good idea Zayn. Um…I call not it.”

 

“I call not it!” Zayn yelled next, and Harry turned a strange shade of red.

 

“Wait…what?” he asked numbly, wide-eyed.

 

“Guess it’s you and me, Hazza.” Louis replied, smiling.

 

Zayn and Liam hurriedly piled into the car, and Harry slowly sat, Louis carefully plopping himself atop Harry’s lap.

 

Paul started the car, muttering under his breath before carefully driving off. Harry immediately placed both hands on Louis’ waist to steady him. Niall, Liam, and Zayn each had their phones out, scrolling, and Louis glanced at them before frowning.

 

“I forgot I broke my phone.” he mumbled.

 

“You have mine, remember?” Harry muttered.

 

“Oh yea.”

 

He leaned over slightly, reaching into his back pocket to grab the phone, hand moving dangerously close to Harry’s crotch.

 

Harry swallowed.

 

This. Was not. Good.

 

“Twitter’s going wild. Again.” Louis mumbled.

 

“More like ‘still’, mate. Never stopped.” Niall spoke up from the front.

 

Paul had finally pulled out of the underground garage, and the crowd was…ridiculous. People pressed against the windows screaming, but seemingly unconcerned with a taxi instead of a large black van.

 

It was extremely loud, but slowly, Paul made his way through the crowd.

 

“This…was a good idea.” said Liam.

 

“I try, boys.” grumbled Paul, and they smiled.

 

He hit a bump in the road and Harry let out a small gasp, biting his lip. He tightened his grip on Louis.

 

This wasn’t happening. The car seemed to have a sudden increase in temperature, and one quick glance at everyone else in the car told him that it was only him feeling this heat.

 

Louis wiggled on top of him, trying to get comfortable, and a familiar warmth pooled in his lower belly. Harry took a deep breath, releasing it slowly through his nose, while trying to remain as quiet as possible. Louis leaned forward, gripping the seat ahead of him to peer over at Paul.

 

Harry couldn’t help but glance downwards. The jumper Louis was wearing rode up, and he got a glimpse of the tan skin of his lower back and the top of his Topman boxers. He was tempted to tug at the elastic and let it go. To hear the sound as it slapped against Louis’ skin. To see Louis flinch, his back arching. Would the skin turn red? Could he suck on it to make him feel better? His pants tightened.

 

“Which hotel are we going to?” he asked, and Paul glanced at him in the mirror.

 

“Not that one you don’t like.” he answered, and Louis nodded, relieved.

 

“Thanks.”

 

Here Louis was asking questions, sitting on Harry innocently while his supposed best friend sported a semi.

 

Harry wanted to curse. Instead, he focused on the passing scenery, trying to distract himself.

 

“You sure you’re alright, Louis?” asked Liam, from the side.

 

Louis nodded.

 

“Yea…I mean…that really shocked me, but he didn’t manage to hurt me before you guys came to my rescue. My heroes…no…my guard dogs.”

 

“Shut up.” Zayn mumbled, tickling Louis’ side.

 

Louis squeaked, manly, of course squirming before launching a counter attack, messing with Zayn’s hair.

 

Harry released a small grunt lost in the sound of Louis and Zayn’s laughter.

 

“Freaking brat.” Zayn giggled, the two mock fighting.

 

“Children, behave.” Paul called from the front.

 

“But you held your own too, Louis. That head-butt was wicked.” Niall suddenly added, turning back with a bright grin.

 

Louis blushed.

 

“Honestly Louis, that was pretty sick.” said Liam.

 

“Oh stop.” he mumbled.

 

“Why, is your head getting big, Tomlinson?” teased Zayn, trying to tickle him again.

 

Louis grabbed his hand to stop him.

 

“Pretty sure that all goes to his arse.”

 

Harry bit his lip harder.

 

“Shut up, Leprechaun.” Louis replied, sending a mock glare Niall’s way.

 

“Not much of a height difference between you and one, to be honest.”

 

Louis released a shocked gasp, and the car exploded in laughter. Louis couldn’t help but laugh along, and only Harry remained silent, both reveling the despising the feeling of Louis bouncing against his crotch.

 

He burned. He was tempted to wiggle, even a little, to get some type of relief, but he wouldn’t dare. So he suffered, biting back his moans and gasps.

 

“Almost there boys.”

 

Thank God. All he needed now was for Louis not to notice. Please, please, let Louis not notice.

 

Paul hit another bump in the road and Harry pressed his head back against the worn leather of the seat, closing his eyes and trying think of something, anything, to calm himself down.

 

Louis opened his mouth to say something, but snapped his jaw shut when he felt…what was that? He moved his hand to touch it but then thought against it, because he was sitting on Harry and that would be awkward. So instead he shifted slightly to get a feel of it, only for Harry to tighten his grip even further, almost painful. He frowned, and turned around to ask when he caught sight of the look on Harry’s face. Harry was red, and sweating, biting his lip while clenching his eyes shut.

 

Why was he…oh.

 

Ohhhhhhh.

 

Louis didn’t even know what to think. He literally…his mind went blank. But Harry must have felt really uncomfortable and…

 

Louis fumbled with the phone in his hands before unlocking it and going to the notes app, typing out a message with shaking fingers.

 

Louis: r u alright?

 

He rubbed the phone against Harry’s hand against his hip, until Harry got the hint and took it, reading the message.

 

Harry: yea, y?

 

Louis took the phone back, glancing at the other boys who were focused on their own devices.

 

Louis: I feel your thingy

 

Harry: my thingy?

 

Please let this not be what he thought it was. Harry wanted to jump out of the moving car.

 

Louis: your penis

 

Harry: oh

 

Louis took the phone back, reading the simple message and fumbling with the phone once more, not knowing what to say.

 

Louis: so u ok?

 

Harry: no

 

Louis: I’m sorry

 

Harry: don’t be

 

Paul pulled into the parking lot, taking the underground entrance, as it was safer. There was a bump to slow the car down, and Louis heard Harry’s breath hitch as the car slowly drove over it. Finally, they were parked.

 

“You boys stay here while I make sure everything’s sorted. I just want you to walk in and go straight to your rooms.”

 

Paul exited the car and the boys sat in silence. Louis tried to stay as still as possible, and Harry bit the inside of his cheek, his body beginning to tremble slightly, doing nothing to aid his cause. Finally, _finally,_ Paul returned, key cards in hand.

 

“Three rooms, pick ‘em.”

 

“I call the single.” said Zayn immediately, and they all turned to face him.

 

“Gee Zayn, don’t be so excited to get away from us.”

 

“Hush up you lame. I’m skyping Perrie tonight.”

 

“Oh. Ohhhhhhh.” replied Niall, reaching back to fist bump. “My man.” he joked, and Zayn rolled his eyes, knocking his fist against the Irishman’s.

 

“Wanna room with me then Niall?” asked Liam.

 

“Sounds cool.”

 

Paul handed the cards out to Zayn, Niall, and Louis, and the exited the car. Harry released a breath when some of the pressure was off of him, but he needed a cold shower. He was shaking, and his jeans were too tight for this, and he was just really, really embarrassed. Louis took care not to look at Harry, instead following the rest of the lads as they headed inside. Harry took as much care as he could not to waddle, but his boner was borderline painful at this point.

 

The ride in the lift was quiet, all of the boys tired and ready to crash, even if it was only midday.

 

They arrived at the top floor, and each headed to their rooms. They waved and mumbled goodbyes, each heading into their respective rooms, Paul remaining on the outside. Louis put the key car in his and Harry’s room, pushing open the door. Harry made a beeline into the room, one room, fantastic, and immediately stepped into the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind him. He turned on the shower, as cold as it could go, before tearing off his clothes and hopping into it, hissing at the cold.

 

He let his thoughts wander from there.

 

Louis watched Harry go wide-eyed, before shutting the door and gingerly making his way into the room.

 

“Harry?” he called, stepping into it and hearing the shower running.

 

He heard a rather loud grunt, and his hands flew to his mouth, his cheeks burning bright. He stumbled out of the room, because Harry was…yea time to go. He traveled back outside to the kitchen, checking the cupboards. There was a nice set of assorted teas, and he picked one, filling the kettle and turning on the stove.

 

Tea was one of the few things that he could make without setting the kitchen on fire. It was also one of the few things that could calm him down.

 

There was no way this was happening.

 

While the water boiled, he set the tea in an empty mug and then took a seat on a white sofa, sighing and sinking into the comfortable seat. Tea wasn’t really enough. He needed a real meal soon, or Dr. Minnie would skin him.

 

That reminded him…he didn’t have his meds with him. He walked to the front door to their room, cracking it open and peering out. He spotted Paul at the end of the hallway.

 

“Paul?” he called softly.

 

Paul looked over from where he was speaking on the phone, and walked closer.

 

“Um…can you remind whoever is bringing our stuff to like…pack my pills?”

 

“Pills?” asked Paul.

 

“Prenatals.”

 

“Oh yea. Definitely.”

 

Louis nodded, before shutting the door. The water was boiling and he walked over, shutting the stove off, pouring the scalding water into his mug. The smell of the tea began to waft upward in the steam, and Louis sighed, carefully picking up the mug and leaning against the counter. He became lost in his thoughts, baby things, Eleanor, Harry, Danielle, her dancing, Harry, his mum and the girls, Harry…

 

He had a problem.

 

He sipped his tea absentmindedly, eyeing the balcony from across the room. He’d go out for some fresh air later, and they looked high enough that he wouldn’t be spotted. Hopefully. The sound of feet scraping against carpet drew Louis’ attention, and he glanced over to see harry standing at the entrance of the kitchen. He had his jeans and undershirt on, and his hair was still slightly damp from his shower.

 

They both stared at each other, Harry’s cheeks still a light shade of red.

 

Finally, Louis spoke.

 

“I see you…erm…took care of that.”

 

Harry’s blush deepened.

 

“Yea.” he mumbled, before adding, “I’m so sorry about that.”

 

Louis nodded, clutching the mug tighter, ignoring the slight burning at his palms.

 

“It’s uh...it’s fine. It just surprised me.”

 

Harry didn’t say anything, instead staring down at his bare feet. Louis placed his mug down, toeing off his shoes and tossing them, peeling off his socks as well. It’d do him no good to slip on the kitchen tile. He picked them up, tossing them into the living room areas, before going back to his tea. Harry was watching him.

 

There was a strange feeling in the room. It was…heavy…intense. Louis’ heart started to pound.

 

“I don’t get it though.” he spoke, his raspy voice breaking the silence.

 

Harry blinked. “Get what?” he asked.

 

“Why.” Louis mumbled.

 

“Why what?”

 

“Why you…had that reaction. It’s just me….” he whispered.

 

Harry gapped. “It’s just me.” he repeated, before laughing, the sound taking on a desperate tone. “It’s just me.” he said again, this time mocking.

 

Louis watched him, confused.

 

“Louis…you just don’t get it, you…you’ll never get it.” Harry said, more to himself then to Louis.

 

“Harry?” asked Louis confusedly as he watched Harry. He placed his mug down in the sink, having lost the want to drink it.

 

Harry walked out of the kitchen, before suddenly u-turning and making a beeline to Louis. He hoisted the smaller male up onto the counter, spreading Louis’ legs so he could fit between them.

 

Louis gasped, settling his hands on Harry’s waist without really thinking about it, because there were other things on his mind, like Harry pressed up against him.

 

“Why don’t you get it? How can I explain it? How can I possibly get it across? How can I make you see…understand?” Harry murmured, and Louis didn’t know what to say.

 

Harry was too close; he was clouding his thoughts.

 

“Can I kiss you Louis?” Harry asked, and Louis’ jaw dropped.

 

What?

 

“W-what? Harry I…”

 

He gazed into Harry’s eyes, before his eyes trailed down to Harry lips, wet and sultry, really, they shouldn’t look so appealing, but then his own lips went dry at the thoughts running through his head.

 

How would it feel? How would Harry feel? How would Harry taste?

 

“Yes.” he answered, breathless.

 

Harry wasted no time, tilting his head slightly and pressing his lips against Louis’. They both breathed in at the sudden contact, Louis straightening at the electric feeling shooting up his spine.

 

Oh God oh God oh God…

 

Harryharryharryharryharry…

 

And then the sensation was gone. Harry was staring at him, and Louis released the taller boy’s waist, hands coming up as if he were trying to surrender, because he didn’t know what to do with them. He didn’t know what to do at all…but feel.

 

“I…Harry…” he whispered. Something needed to happen. “Again.”

 

Harry obliged, this time bringing his hands up to lace his fingers together with Louis’. Louis gripped him with all his might, eyes still open and going cross-eyed at how close Harry was to him, and…this kiss…this feeling…this was very good, yes. For a moment, a fleeting moment, he remembered someone else’s lips on his, rough, uncaring, biting, hurting, but then Harry pulled his fingers out of their deadlock and placed his hands on Louis’ hips, tugging him forward to align their crotches, and Louis gasped at the feeling. Harry wasn’t hurting him. Harry cared. He was ok, he was fine, he was…something good. Louis gasped again, and  the moment his lips opened, Harry’s tongue delved into his mouth, and Louis found himself responding to the kiss fiercely.

 

Yes this was, this was almost too much, the taste of him the smell of him, the feel of him, Harryharryharryharryharry….

 

He brought his hands up and fisted them in Harry’s curls, and Harry let loose a sound, a truly delicious sound that had Louis’ toes curling. Harry separated their lips, and Louis released Harry’s hair, them both taking a much needed oxygen break before Harry set his focus on Louis’ neck, placing and sucking kisses that had Louis panting.

 

Louis brought his hands up under Harry’s shirt, sinking his fingers into Harry’s back, and Harry grunted out a curse, pushing Louis who almost fell back. Louis blindly reached up and backwards, landing a hand on one of the cupboards in a frantic attempt to steady himself. He flinched at the crookedness of his arm, and suddenly found himself in Harry’s arms, who stumbled and staggered until Louis’ back hit the kitchen wall. It was when Harry pressed himself against Louis at that moment when he realized how hard he was, and he moaned loudly, half mad with want, he needed something anything please please please.

 

Harry’s lips latched on to his again, their tongues meeting once more, and it was just as good as before, probably better. Louis was writhing against Harry, and he scrambled for purchase, his hands gripping Harry’s shoulders for leverage as he ground himself against Harry roughly, gasping at the feeling, Harry moaning as well, and yea, that sounded really good, Harry needed to make noises like that more often, please and thank you.

 

Harry let loose a string of curses that had Louis’ spinning. Eventually, Louis couldn’t even focus on the kiss, instead losing himself in the feeling of literally everything that was creeping up on him fast, faster, move faster Harry, was he speaking out loud? So good so good so good never stop please, Harryharryharryharryharry, the sounds they were making, the feeling, too much he couldn’t, he can’t, this, Harry…

 

Louis came with a breathless gasp, banging his against the wall as he clutched Harry, shuddering in the aftermath.

 

Everything was blissfully silent, empty, perfect, for a moment, and Louis was floating, and he was…he didn’t know what he was, but it was good. Really _really_ good…until it wasn’t.

 

The feeling of his seed in his pants…Harry…what…Harry was his best friend…Harry was…he was still with El, Louis Tomlinson, what did you do!?

 

He panicked.

 

“Harry…Harry let me go. Let me go, Harry let me go!” he shouted, and Harry quickly obliged, setting Louis on the floor and taking step back.

 

Louis…Louis had to…he glanced at Harry for a moment, and he couldn’t take it, so he ran. He ran into the bedroom and locked the door before he jumped into the shower.

 

And then he cried.

.

.

.

 

Harry stood alone in the kitchen, struggling to catch his breath.

 

What the hell just happened?

 

Harry Styles, what the hell did you do!?

.

.

.

 

Louis scrubbed vigorously at his thighs, his body, everything, because how could he be so dirty? The first time he cheated…he didn’t mean too, but this time…and with Harry…he…everything was messed up and it was all his fault. He stood aimlessly in the shower, staring up at the spray and standing still.

 

Then he glanced down at the drain. He wished he could vanish into the drain like the water. He wished that he could just…fade away.

 

He placed his palm against the small curve of his belly, and hated everything he ever was with an intensity he didn’t think he was capable of.

.

.

.

 

Harry cursed, before slamming his fist against the very wall they’d just…

 

He flinched at the sudden pain, pulling back to see multiple cracks. His fist was throbbing, a reddish tint to it.

 

So freaking stupid. He was so freaking stupid.

.

.

.

 

Louis finally stepped out of the shower, before realizing he didn’t have any clothes. He sighed, toweling himself off and looking around. There was a hotel provided robe, and he pulled it on before crawling into the bed, curling in on himself. That’s when he remembered that he had Harry’s phone. Getting out of the bed, he walked back to wear the dirtied jeans were on the bathroom tile. He gingerly fished around for the device, pulling it out and dialing a familiar number.

.

.

.

 

A knock at the door caught Harry’s attention, and he opened the door to reveal Zayn, who looked really confused and concerned.

 

“Louis just called me…are you alright mate? He sounded panicked and you…you look wrecked. Harry mate what the hell happened?”

 

“I’m an idiot. That’s what happened. Stay with Louis. I’m taking your room.”

 

He grabbed the key card from Zayn’s hand and stormed out, slamming the door behind him.

 

“What…” Zayn mumbled, before making his way to the room, knocking.

 

“Louis? It’s Zayn.”

 

He waited for a moment, hearing shuffling behind the door, before Louis opened it. Zayn stepped inside, and Louis shut the door, locking it.

 

“Where’s Harry?” Louis asked.

 

“He…he took my room and told me to stay here. You guys have a row?”

 

Louis shook his head, and he didn’t know what to say, what could he possibly say, how could he fix this? Zayn wrapped his arms around Louis’ shaking shoulders, rocking them from side to side.

 

“I messed up Zayn. I messed up…I ruined everything.”


	15. Chapter 15

They were huddled together under the blankets, Louis making himself as small as he could possibly go, and Zayn running his hand through Louis’ hair as he hummed softly under his breath.

 

“You have such a beautiful voice, Zayn.” Louis mumbled softly.

 

Zayn shrugged. “So do you mate.”

 

“Okay.” Louis replied, and Zayn sighed, because he didn’t know how he’d persuade Louis to appreciate himself more when he was hurting like this.

 

“You wanna tell me what happened?”

 

Louis curled up even more.

 

“No…I can’t.”

 

Zayn sighed again. “I know what sex smells like, Louis.”

 

Louis bit his lip nervously, because he really wasn’t counting on Zayn to already know so much. Freaking Zayn.

 

“We…we didn’t have sex. We um…we both got off though.”

 

Zayn nodded.

 

“I cheated on El.” Louis continued.

 

Zayn looked down at him. “Lou…you…El isn’t the one who got you pregnant though. I’m not trying to sound like an arse but like… this is…not the first time, right?”

 

Louis froze, before he began to fumble with his fingers a little frantically.

 

“Um…yea. I guess.”

 

“You guess?”

 

Louis took a deep breath. He couldn’t…he…

 

“Zayn…I didn’t mean for the first time to happen.”

 

“With the father? Well, yea, if you love El, I figured boning him wasn’t the plan.”

 

Louis was silent for a while. He…he…

 

No. He couldn’t say it. He couldn’t tell him.

 

“Yea…you’re right.” Louis mumbled instead, wanting to break something.

 

“When did you and Harry-

 

“There is no me and Harry. I mean…not like that. We’re not a thing.” Louis interrupted, shaking his head.

 

Zayn looked over again. “But Louis-

 

“No, Zayn. We…we didn’t really decide to do…that. It just… happened, and it was really stupid and I messed everything up. I keep messing everything up. And Harry is part of the very few good things in my life right now and I can’t…I can’t do whatever that was again.”

 

Zayn was quiet for a while, closing his eyes to think. Louis drank in the quiet moment as well, heart pounding. What was he going to say?

 

“So…it was, in your words, ‘a stupid mistake’, yea?” Zayn asked, and Louis hummed in response. “But it felt good, didn’t it?”

 

Louis moved so he could stare up at Zayn with wide eyes.

 

“Yea…” he replied, his voice portraying the wonderment and confusion he felt.

 

It did.

 

It did feel good.

 

A little…too good.

 

The two sat silently, both absorbed in their thoughts, when Zayn’s phone vibrated. He picked it up, checking the text.

 

-Make sure he eats something-Harry

 

Zayn replied, before sitting up in the bed.

 

“Why don’t we order something to eat?”

 

Louis nodded. That sounded like a great idea. He was freaking starving.

 

“I don’t have my meds though…” he sighed, sitting up as well.

 

Zayn frowned.

 

“What do they do?” he asked, walking around and taking Louis’ hand, pulling him up and out of the bed.

 

“Um, some are for like…health and stuff, things to help balance my body, and there’s one for nausea, because I throw up a lot. It helps sometimes. So if I eat something now, I might puke it back up.”

 

Zayn nodded, the two heading out of the room into the living room area. Louis took a seat on one of the sofas. Zayn looked around, before spotting a few booklets with the hotel logo on them, one being a menu. He plopped down beside Louis.

 

“Okay…so…nothing too greasy then, right?”

 

Louis shrugged. “I dunno.”

 

“You have to eat though.”

 

Louis rolled his eyes. “I know, doc, thanks.”

 

“Have you spoken to your doctor lately?” asked Zayn, eyes roaming his lunch choices.

 

“I text her during the day. Give her updates and stuff. She’s pretty cool, I dunno.”

 

“Yea, she seemed nice when we met her. What kind of doctor is she? And why don’t you try the pasta with chicken?”

 

“She’s a male pregnancy specialist or something like that I think. And yea, that sounds good. Order it for me? And um…a ginger ale. No caffeine and it’ll help me if I feel sick.”

 

“Cool mate.”

 

Zayn picked up the hotel phone, dialing the room service number.

 

“Yea, um, can I get a pasta with chicken, and chicken wrap with fries, a ginger ale and a coke?”

 

Louis signaled to him.

 

“Yea hold on a sec…yea Lou?”

 

“Can I get bread with that?” Louis asked, looking hopeful.

 

“Does the pasta come with bread? Cheers mate. Yea um…what room are we Louis?”

 

“2024 I think.”

 

“Room 2024. Yea, thanks.”

 

Zayn hung up, and he and Louis sat silently for a while, before Louis broke it.

 

“Um, how did Harry look. When you came in?”

 

“Wrecked, for one.”

 

Louis blushed, fiddling with the belt of his robe.

 

“And…he looked upset. Pissed actually.”

 

Louis shrank down in his seat, covering his face with his hands. “He hates me.” he moaned.

 

“Please.” Zayn scoffed, and Louis peeked through his fingers.

 

“Excuse me?” asked Louis, frowning.

 

“Harry could never hate you Louis. You should know better than to think like that by now.”

 

Louis dropped his hands, staring at Zayn.

 

“You believe that?” he asked, and Zayn turned to him.

 

“You don’t?” asked Zayn, incredulously.

 

Louis was doing worse than he thought. He frowned, before taking out his phone. Louis’ eyes bugged out.

 

“Wait who are you texting?”

 

“Relax princess, Niall and Liam.”

 

Oh. Good.

 

Louis relaxed again. “Could you um…tell them to go to your room? To keep Harry company. And…get him something to eat. He didn’t have breakfast today.”

 

Zayn fought his smirk.

 

“Of course.”

 

Lover boy.

 

-Mates, head over to my room. Harry is there, ask him what happened. I’m w/ Lou.-Zayn

 

-oh no did lou n Harry hav a ro-Liam

 

-Sure mate. Lou okay?-Niall

 

-He’s ok sorta. Talk to Harry. And order food. Orders from the princess-Zayn

 

-oki doki-Liam

 

-k-Niall

 

Zayn put his phone down, before reaching for the remote, turning on the tv. He switched through the channels, settling on Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, ignoring Louis’ look.

 

“S’a funny movie.” he mumbled, shoving the older boy playfully.

 

“Hey, careful. Precious cargo.” he joked, and Zayn scoffed, rolling his eyes.

 

It wasn’t until 15 minutes into the movie that Louis realized he’d just referred to the baby growing in him as precious.

.

.

.

 

Harry was sitting curled up in the bed in Zayn’s room when Niall and Liam barged in.

 

Niall dove on the bed, shoving himself obnoxiously in Harry’s space, curling up around him while Liam settled on Harry’s other side.

 

“Wanna tell us what’s up?” asked Niall softly.

 

Harry sighed.

 

“I messed up.”

 

Liam and Niall glanced at each other.

 

“We figured something pretty serious happened, that you’re over here and Zayn’s with Louis.” Liam said, reaching up to run a hand through Harry’s barely there curls.

 

Harry didn’t say anything, staring at the blank tv.

 

“We’re not gonna judge you. Unless you hit him or something.” Niall mumbled, and Harry couldn’t help but roll his eyes.

 

“You really think Zayn would have left me in one piece?” he asked, and the three giggled softly.

 

Harry found himself relaxing a bit, slumping down into a more comfortable position instead of sitting so stiffly.

 

“We um…did sexy thing.”

 

Niall and Liam gapped.

 

“What, mate, what?” gasped Niall. “Like actual dick in the butt or-

 

“Niall!” Liam chastised, fighting to keep the grin off his face.

 

“Oh my God.” Harry moaned, bringing the blanket to cover his face. “No Niall. We um…rubbed up on eac-

 

“Okay, thanks for that.” Niall interrupted, signaling for Harry to skip that bit.

 

“Yea, okay. Then he um…kind of freaked out and ran off. And I guess he called Zayn because he showed up and we switched.”

 

“Did you want that to happen?” asked Liam.

 

“What, Louis running away from me like I scared him half to death? Yea Liam, top of my list actually.”

 

“Hush you. Louis’ rubbing off on you for sure.” Liam pouted.

 

All three blinked at that choice of words, before Niall started howling with laughter and Harry groaned, Liam turning red with mortification.

 

“That’s not what I meant and you know it!” he screeched.

 

Niall pretended to wipe tears from his eyes. “You keep walkin’ right into these, mate. I can’t wait to tell Zayn about this one. Have me pissin’ over here.”

 

Liam crossed his arms, sending a mock glare.

 

“On a more serious note though, Harry. I’m guessing you guys didn’t really plan for that to happen.” Niall stated.

 

“No, we didn’t. Which is probably why Louis ran off.” Harry replied, throwing his head back against a pillow.

 

“Honestly Harry…is it really so weird that he freaked out?” asked Liam.

 

Harry looked over at him, confused.

 

“Because, well, you guys are best mates, and all of a sudden, this crazy sexual thing happen. You said this wasn’t planned, and like…this is a really sudden thing to happen, you know? I’d be shocked too, if me and Zayn had a sudden make out session or summat.” he explained, and when Harry really thought about it, that did make sense.

 

Because he’d been shocked too.

 

“Give him some time. You guys are like, bonded. It’ll be fine.” Niall added, grabbing Harry and placing a wet kiss on his cheek.

 

“Gross Niall.” Harry whined, but he curled up beside him anyway.

 

There was a knock on their door, and Liam got up, heading out. Their food was here. Liam led the wa tyhe attendant pushing the cart after him.

 

“Yes.” cheered Niall, grabbing his bacon cheeseburger and fries.

 

“What’d you get me?” asked Harry, sitting up again at the prospect of a good meal.

 

“Same’s me.” Niall muttered, he mouth full.

 

Harry nodded, happily accepting his plate, and bottle of juice. Liam tipped the man, and he thanked them before leaving. The three tore into their food, too occupied to talk to each other, before Harry remembered.

 

“Niall, text Zayn for me please. Ask him if Louis’ eaten anything yet.”

 

“He was munchin at that train wreck of a meetin’.”

 

“Tea and toast isn’t enough food for two, Niall.” Liam muttered from around his burger.

 

“Oh yea.” Niall replied, before wiping his greasy fingers on his pants and grabbing his phone.

 

-Lou ate?-Niall

 

-Eating now-Zayn

 

“They’re eating now.” Niall said, before finishing off the rest of his burger, moving on to his fries.

 

“He doesn’t have his meds with him though. I hope he doesn’t get sick.” Harry remarked, frowning a bit.

 

“He’ll be fine.” Niall responded, grabbing the remote from the bedside table and turning on the tv. He flicked through the channels before Liam squealed.

 

“Really Liam?” asked Harry, fighting back a giggle.

 

“Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs!” he cheered.

 

Niall and Harry shared a look, laughing softly.

 

They sat and watched the movie together, tossing fries at each other and laughing.

 

“Thanks guys.” Harry spoke, feeling a lot better than he had been.

 

Niall shoved him and stole a fry.

 

“Never a problem, no need to thank us. You should be used to our awesome by now.”

 

Harry smiled, leaning against Niall.

 

Maybe it really could work out.

 

Maybe everything really would turn out alright.

 

His phone vibrated from under his pillow-that’s where it was- and he reached under, grabbing it and checking the message.

 

-Omw to your hotel.-Eleanor.

 

Crap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow really short lol, but I thought it’d be nice to give you guys a little something for the occasion.
> 
>  
> 
> It’s my birthday. :)
> 
>  
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this little bit of nonsense. I tried my best to tone down the angst. I wanted this to be a bit about the boy’s relationships with each other. Aww.
> 
>  
> 
> I just made a twitter, so if you want, you can follow me @ ERWS_Dee. We can chat. :)
> 
>  
> 
> As always, thanks for reading, you guys.
> 
>  
> 
> I love and appreciate every single one of you. <3


	16. Chapter 16

Harry leaned on the railing of the rooftop, staring at the tiny cars and people as they went about their business. A light rain started to fall a while ago, leaving him feeling rather damp as he observed the world below.

 

Eleanor had sent that text not too long ago, so here he waited. His thoughts drifted to Louis, wondering if he was alright with Zayn. He trusted Zayn, of course, but he couldn’t help but worry about Louis regardless.

 

Harry sighed, shivering a bit. Hopefully by the time they were done with their ‘talk’, their team will have brought their clothes. And Louis needed his meds as well. The rain turned into a heavier fall, and Harry leaned his head down, closing his eyes and simply feeling. The sounds of the city were distant from so high up, and the sound of the rain pelting everything around was nearly overwhelming.

 

He was cold.

 

The big metal door leading to the roof screeched open, and a delicate sound of footsteps sounded before the door was shut again. They moved no further. Harry stood still, unmoving, just feeling, before he pulled himself out of wherever he’d gone to turn around and look at his company.

 

Eleanor stood in front of the door, a clear umbrella in her hand, shielding her from most of the rain. Her hair was done up messily, and she wore a simple cream jumper with black leggings and rain-boots, and was flawless as ever.

 

Always so beautiful. Harry shoved down the feelings of jealousy that he loathed to possess, instead focusing on what was happening now. Harry walked forward, leaving a good amount of space between the two. They stared at each other silently. Eleanor watched as Harry smoothed his soaked hair back from his forehead, before shoving both his hands in his pockets. Still, neither said anything. Instead, Eleanor took a few steps forward until she was mere steps away from Harry, to stare up at him. Harry gazed down at her. Both of their faces were carefully blank.

 

And then the silence between them was broken.

 

“Why do I feel like I’m competing for my boyfriend around you, Harry?” she asked softly.

 

Harry frowned. “Louis isn’t a prize to be won.” he responded.

 

Eleanor laughed, the sound harsh. “That’s a lie and you know it. Yea, I get what you’re saying. He’s a person, not an object, blah blah blah. But he is a prize. There’s no one on Earth like Louis. You won’t find someone like him ever. He’s…one of a kind. Amazing. Leaves you breathless.”

 

Harry bit his lip. Eleanor smiled.

 

“Of course, you’ve noticed all that and more, haven’t you? You think about him a lot, right? He’ll walk out of a room and leave it saturated with him. You feel him even when he’s gone.”

 

“What’s your point Eleanor?” Harry asked, glaring.

 

“You tell me, Harry Styles. You tell me why I can’t walk anywhere with Louis without seeing your disapproving gaze, or dealing with your attitude and sour mood, why you whispered what ‘affect’ you have on him that I supposedly ‘don’t’, why you’re so quick to remind me that you share a bed with him when I’m gone.”

 

Her voice took on a tone of rage as she continued on, before stomping forward.

 

“You. Tell. Me.”

 

Harry looked away, because he was guilty. He was. Eleanor was still Louis’ girlfriend and everything she was saying…was true. She had a right to be angry.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Eleanor blinked. “What?” she asked.

 

“I’m sorry.” Harry repeated.

 

She snorted. “Yeah, okay.”

 

Harry sighed. “I really am. Because you’re right. I know I haven’t treated you well these past few months.”

 

“That’s interesting. Good guy Harry Styles, so quick to admit his wrongs.” she mocked, and Harry frowned, shuffling his feet. “At least you know it was wrong. To make me feel like crap around my boyfriend because I have him and you don’t.”

 

Harry looked up at her.

 

“Which is why I don’t believe your apology, because you’re not going to give up, are you?” she continued, and Harry looked down at his feet, taking the onslaught in stride as he gazed at the soaked leather of his boots.

 

“I mean, I get that you have hard on for my boyfriend, but it’s really an arse move to act on those urges when you know he’s with someone else.”

 

“Well he had a hard on for me too.” Harry spat out, before he could stop it.

 

Both of their eyes widened.

 

“Excuse me?” Eleanor asked, and Harry shook his head quickly, trying to think of something to say, but Eleanor pressed on.

 

“What do you mean by that…what…what did you guys do?”

 

Harry pulled his hands free from his pockets, shivering slightly. “We, um…we kissed, among other things.”

 

Eleanor stared. “When?” she gasped out.

 

“Today. Today only…it...was a first.” Harry mumbled.

 

Eleanor quietly and calmly closed her umbrella, ignoring the fact that she was quickly getting drenched, wrapping the umbrella, before wielding it like a bat. She swung it at Harry’s head, and it whacked him on the side. Harry staggered at the hit, it being so unexpected and a lot harder than he’d thought the girl capable.

 

Before he could recover, she hit on the top of his head, and the jabbed it in his stomach. He gagged.

 

“You asshole!” she yelled, because yes, asshole, because Louis was hardly recovered, Louis was a mess, Louis still flinched when he got hugs and Louis still had nightmares and Louis…Louis…

 

“Is he alright? Oh God, did you ask him? Or did you suddenly kiss him?!”

 

It took Harry a few moments to get his breath back, and he looked at her wide eyed and more than a bit wary as she clenched the umbrella in her hands, clearly ready for another swing.

 

“He…of course I asked him! Why wouldn’t I ask him? And everything that happened was willing. He kissed me back!”

 

She ignored the sharp hurt she felt in her heart at that…at the fact that Louis did all this with Harry, because this wasn’t about her right now. This was a bout Louis.

 

“Is that why you’re hitting me? Because-

 

“Shut the hell up, Harry, because this isn’t about me, and this isn’t about you! Is Louis alright!? Did he freak out, or is he calmly seated in his room wondering where you are or something. I need to know.”

 

Harry stared at her, before he hunched slightly.

 

Eleanor bit her lip. “Harry?”

 

“He…after we stopped, he…for a moment, everything was so calm…and then the next second he panicked, and he shoved me away from him and bolted. I…I had Zayn take my place and I’m staying in his room.”

 

Eleanor cursed.

 

“You had no right.” she spat, and Harry looked down at his feet again, ashamed.

 

“I…I know Louis’ been off and I know I should have known better but-

 

“There is no but, you really should have known better, because one, if you really know him so well, you’ve noticed he’s really been off, and you should have stayed the heck away from him, and two, he’s with somebody else. You don’t kiss people who are in other relationships.”

 

“I’m sorry-

 

“You’re so selfish! You think that just because you have this silly little crus-

 

“I LOVE HIM!” Harry shouted, and it was so loud and so unlike him that they both jumped, Eleanor taking a frightened step back and dropping her umbrella to the ground.

 

“I love him, okay? I love him so much. He’s all I think about, all the time, it never stops. Is Louis okay, he looks good, is he hungry, he hasn’t eaten, he looks sick, is he hurt…I think about him all day, because I love him. I can’t…I’ve liked him since we met in that dingy bathroom and I got so lucky that we were put in the same band because I couldn’t stop thinking about that pretty boy with the lovely blue eyes and there he was, right next to me, and…it just got harder and harder to stop feeling like that…like my world revolved around him, like he was my freaking sun, and…we were at the bungalow and then we were moving through the live shows and we were always touching and giggling and being stupid and I sucked all of that up and I lived off of it and I was so happy…and when we were voted off, when we finally were backstage and I was a mess, he hugged me close and he whispered that we would be okay and I believed him…and we were. We were signed and everything was good but then we met you. He told me about you, and the look in his eyes, I recognized it, because I’ve seen what I looked like thinking about Louis while I stared into a mirror, and the look on his face, the brightness of his eyes…the red tint to his cheeks was exactly the same, and my heart broke.”

 

Eleanor watched this silently, bringing her arms to wrap them around herself.

 

“It hurt so much, to see him with you, and it still hurts, because my feelings just keep growing and I…I’m sorry, because I know it’s wrong for me to feel this way but I can’t help it. And…now Louis is different, he’s pregnant and angry about it…I think he hates his baby and i…how do you help a pregnant friend who hates himself and his baby? He still smiles and he still laughs but it all looks so forced…and I don’t know…I kissed him and I knew something was wrong but I still kissed him because you’re right, I am selfish…I’ve spent so long thinking of what it be like…maybe just once…if I could just tell him what I really feel…and I…now he’s probably hurting even more and I don’t know what I can do to help him, he doesn’t look right, he screams and cries at night, he shakes, he looks afraid, of everyone and everything and I don’t know what to do and I can’t stand it! He’s hurting so much and I’m an idiot and I’m sorry…I’m so sorry…”

 

Eleanor watched Harry break down in front of her, he got more and more hysterical as he spoke and now he was sobbing in earnest. It was when he reached up and yanked at his hair that she realized this was not good, he was breathing way to fast. She rushed over, grabbing his hands gently.

 

“Harry, Harry hey…Harry stop, you need to breathe…”

 

She watched worriedly and he hiccupped and cried, gasping as he did so. Okay. Okay this was not…this was not how this was supposed to go. She tugged him forward, to follow her, before she leaned against the wall of the door leading back inside the building. Harry eventually slid down to rest against it as well. She sat next to him.

 

The wind was a bit rough, as they were so high up in the crap weather, but neither commented about it, as Harry took small hiccupping breaths, trying to calm himself down.

 

“Don’t apologize for not knowing…he…Louis’ just been through some stuff that he’s trying to work through.”

 

“He won’t tell me anything. How can I help him if I don’t know?” he asked, his voice cracking.

 

Eleanor sighed, because she…she knew what was happening and she was just as clueless.

 

“You know, don’t you? You and Danielle.” Harry asked.

 

“Yea.”

 

Harry wiped at his nose, too tired and cold to think about how gross it was to have snot on his sleeve.

 

“Patience.” Eleanor said.

 

“Huh?”

 

“You asked how can you help…patience is one way. Love him. Be there for him. Try and make him feel safe. He’s really going to need you now.”

 

Harry looked at her in confusion.

 

“I’m going to break up with him.”

 

He paled. “No, Eleanor, no, you can’t. He needs you. I don’t know why he’s been like this, but you not being there…it hurt him, so you have to stay. Forget everything I said, if Louis is better with you than I’ll be okay, so don’t…don’t break up with him-

 

“Harry.”

 

Harry stopped speaking, staring at her, panicked.

 

“Harry…I’ve seen the way he looks at you. Whenever we have stayed together, he’s whispered your name in his sleep. He…talks about you all the time. He…Harry, he’s in love with you.”

 

“What?” Harry asked.

 

“He just doesn’t know it. He really loves you and he has no idea that he does. And he has no idea that you’re in love with him either. Danielle and him talk pretty often, and she tells me things. He’s wondering why he thinks about you so much, and why he feels certain ways about you. All the signs are there but he can’t put the puzzle together.”

 

Harry didn’t know what to say.

 

“I’ve been selfish too. I’ve noticed a lot of these things, but I wanted to ignore it because I love him too. But I’ll never be what he thinks about the most. I mean…it hurts a lot, but he needs you.”

 

“He needs you too-

 

“I won’t leave him. I’m still going to be his friend, because aside from all this…misplaced feelings and unconscious lies, we’ve been great friends. I left him for a while. That was very stupid of me. But he was worried about me, and I know he loves me, but not like he loves you Harry.”

 

They both sat in quiet for a bit.

 

“If he doesn’t realize what he feels, he’s not going to take this break up well at all. He thinks everything is his fault lately. This…he’ll wonder what he did wrong.”

 

“He needs stability. Him being with me, while being in love with you, is only adding to his stress, even though he’s clueless. I promise you, that if he needs me, I’ll try my best to be there for him. But our relationship right now, with me having tried to force his feelings and all this…it’s not healthy for either of us. And we both know that health is a major issue now, more than ever.”

 

“But-

 

“Harry. You’re such a good person. I’m giving you the chance you need.”

 

“It doesn’t matter. I don’t want it to be like this. I don’t want everybody to be hurt.” he mumbled.

 

“That’s naïve, love, and you know it.”

 

Harry didn’t say anything for a while.

 

“You’re a good person too. I know this is hurting you more than you let on.” he finally said.

 

Eleanor shrugged. “We both want him to be happy. I feel like me letting this part of our relationship go will help get him there.”

 

“So then we’ll work together?” Harry asked tentatively.

 

Eleanor smiled softly. “That seems like a plan.”

 

“That’s…that’s good. I think…we could be friends.”

 

She nodded. The rain pelted down on them, but neither moved to get up.

 

“When I first met you, I hoped you’d be ugly so I could somehow persuade Louis to give up on you.”

 

Eleanor let loose a snort of laughter.

 

“I took one look at your face and realized I didn’t have much of a chance.” Harry continued.

 

Eleanor laughed again, even harder. “When Louis introduced us, I’d already been developing feelings. I watched the way he acted with you, and I realized I might have my work cut out for me. Now that I think about it, I think he’d been in love with you too, even from way back then. I don’t know why I didn’t see it as much as I do now. And in terms of ‘chances’, I figured mine were pretty slim. I mean…you’re Harry Styles.”

 

Harry blushed. Then the mood turned serious.

 

“Is Louis in some sort of trouble?”

 

Eleanor froze, not knowing how to answer.

 

“You know what…never mind. I…Louis trusts me. If he hasn’t told me yet, there’s a reason. I’ll just keep waiting until he does.”

 

She hid her sigh of relief. “Let’s get out of this rain. We won’t be much help to Louis if we get sick.”

 

Harry nodded, and he got up first, holding out his hand. She took it, and he hoisted her up. Harry walked over to her umbrella, grabbing it form the ground and handing it to her, before the two headed toward the door. Right before he reached for the handle, Eleanor grabbed his arm, spinning him around and pulling him into a hug.

 

Harry stood still for a moment before hugging her back.

 

“It’ll be alright.” she mumbled, and Harry nodded.

 

“I’m sorry for being such a dick.” he whispered.

 

“And I’m sorry for being such a twat.”

 

They hugged for a moment longer, before separating, sharing a small smile. Harry opened the door for her, and she stepped in, him following behind. It shut loudly, and they went down the stairs until they were back on the common floors, where Preston, another one of their security, was waiting, holding Eleanor’s bag. He rolled his eyes at state they were in, dripping wet and shivering.

 

“I’m not even gonna ask.” he muttered, handing Eleanor her bag. Harry sent a small wave his way before heading to Zayn’s room. He put the keycard in and opened the door, letting them both in. Looking around, he found it empty. But he did see suitcases. Their things were here. His must be back in the other room….where Louis was.

 

“I guess all the boys are in my old room with Louis and Zayn. The shower is the bedroom, if you want to use it. I’m gonna get some stuff, and I guess Louis can lend you some of his clothes.”

 

She nodded, teeth chattering as she waddled towards the bedroom. Harry sighed, taking a deep breath and mustering up the courage to head into the room across, where Louis was. He closed his eyes, standing still for a moment, before opening them and heading out. He knocked on the door. Niall answered.

 

“Haz mate, whe-why are you so wet?”

 

Niall let him in, and Harry blushed at the scrutiny he got from the other boys in the room. They were all watching tv. Liam turned the volume down.

 

“You alright Harry?” he asked.

 

“Erm, yea, I just came to get some clothes. And, um…” he finally glanced at Louis, who was staring at him from where he was bundled in a blanket and nestled against Zayn. “Eleanor’s here…she needs some dry clothes.”

 

Louis sat up, frowning in confusion.

 

“Where you guys?” asked Zayn.

 

“Up on the roof. We were talking.”

 

Niall walked over to the balcony doors, peering through the curtains. “It’s pourin’ out there.”

 

“I know.” Harry said, gesturing to himself, still dripping all over the floor. He sniffled. “Where’s my bag?” he asked.

 

“In our room.”

 

Harry looked over at Louis again, who gave him a small smile. Harry returned it, heading into the room. Louis followed him, still wrapped up in the blanket, dragging it behind him. He watched as Harry ruffled through his suitcase, grabbing a pair of boxers.

 

“What were you guys doing?” Louis asked softly.

 

“Me and Eleanor?”

 

“Yea.”

 

“Just…having a chat.” Harry answered.

 

“Having a chat…on the roof…in the pouring rain.” Louis deadpanned, and Harry nodded.

 

“Um…okay?”

 

Harry just stared at him, before moving to go into the bathroom.

 

“Harry…”

 

Harry stopped.

 

“Are…are you mad at me?” Louis asked.

 

“No. You…talk to Eleanor. And she needs dry clothes. Here’s the room key.”

 

Louis took it, before glancing down. “Okay.” he whispered.

 

“I’ll be here when you get back.” Harry continued, smiling.

 

“Okay.” Louis replied, this time with a bit more life.

 

Harry shut the bathroom door, and Louis ruffled through his suitcase for a hoodie, boxers, and a pair of sweats. He nodded at Zayn as he made his way across the hall, unlocking the door. He shut it softly, walking into the bedroom. The shower was running. He knocked.

 

“El?”

 

“Yea?

 

“I have clothes for you.”

 

“The doors unlocked.” she called out.

 

Louis opened it slowly, blinking at the steam all around. He placed the clothes on the toilet lid, before leaving and shutting the door. He then crawled onto the bed, wrapped the blanket around him, and waited. He pushed his hand under his shirt, and traced the angry raised lines from when he’d raked his fingers across his stomach in the shower earlier.

 

That was not good.

 

The shower shut off, and Louis listened as Eleanor moved about, and a few minutes after, the door opened. His clothes draped her width wise. It was cute. She smiled at him, hopping on the bed, adjusting the towel in her hair.

 

“So.” she started.

 

“So.” he repeated. “You and Harry had a talk on the roof huh.”

 

She nodded. “Yea…we had a couple things to sort out.”

 

“Did you-

 

“Never Louis. I’d never tell him without your permission.”

 

He sighed in relief, nodding. “Okay. So…what did you talk to him about.”

 

“He…promise you won’t get mad at him.”

 

Louis’ eyebrows furrowed. “Huh?” he asked.

 

“We, we talked about you. And him.”

 

Louis frowned. “About me, and about him? Or about me and him.”

 

“Sort of both?” she answered.

 

“Wh-

 

“He told me about your sudden make-out session and I almost knocked him out with my umbrella-

 

“El! W-

 

“Part of it was anger at you and him doing things, but most of it was out of concern for your safety. I know you…you’ve been a bit afraid of touch and intimate situations.”

 

Louis opened his mouth to argue, but closed it. Because she was right. Simple touches had him flinching, much less an impromptu make out, among other things.

 

“Were…are you alright?”

 

Louis played with a string on his blanket, tugging at it until it broke.

 

“I…freaked out after.”

 

He chose not to tell her about the scars on his stomach. That…yea, he’d best keep that to himself.

 

“Okay. And you absolutely wanted it. You weren’t intimidated by him or anything and just let him kiss you because you didn’t want to hurt him or anything, right?” she asked.

 

“I…I um…I did…I did want it.” he answered, ashamed.

 

“Okay.”

 

He looked up. “Okay?”

 

“Yea, okay. Louis…Louis love, I think we need to-

 

“Please don’t.” Louis cut in, clenching his eyes shut.

 

Eleanor grabbed his hands in hers, holding them gently. “Please look at me. Louis, please.”

 

Slowly, he opened his eyes, and peered into her watery brown ones.

 

“You don’t love me, Louis.”

 

“Yes I do! El how can you say that? I know…I know I haven’t really been around you as much and I know I haven’t really kissed you and we haven’t had sex and I’m sorry-

 

“Louis, stop. Anything intimate is not the problem. I’d be a real bitch to be mad at you for that. And you have a lot going on. Of course we can’t always meet. But this isn’t about that.”

 

“But I do love you!” he gasped out.

 

“Not like you love Harry.”

 

What?

 

What??

 

“What?” he asked, completely thrown.

 

She smiled at him. “You don’t see it yet, but you will. Trust me.”

 

“El, I don’t understand. It’s my fault, isn’t it. I messed up, I cheated, and I’m sorry, I won’t again, I promise, so please don’t leave. Please don’t leave me, El.” he begged, and Eleanor let go of his hands and pulled him close, holding him tight.

 

“I am not leaving you, I swear it. I’ll never leave you Louis. You’ve become one of my best friends of all time. I love you, idiot, so don’t ever think that I’ll leave and never come back. I know I messed up a few weeks ago, by freaking out and running off. I was scared, and I’m still scared. But you need me and I need you, and we’re going to stick together. I’m not leaving.”

 

He managed to get his hands out of the blanket so he could wrap them around her as well, clutching at the back of the shirt she was wearing. “Then why don’t you want me anymore?” he asked, feeling just a little bit more broken.

 

“I do. But you don’t want me like that.”

 

“Yes I do.”

 

“No, Louis. Trust me, okay?”

 

“But…El…”

 

“It’s going to be alright. It’s going to be fine, okay You’ll realize it eventually…it might take a while, but you’ll get it, and you’ll get why I’m doing this. But I still love you, very much.”

 

“I love you too.” he whispered, still so confused, and very hurt.

 

She held him, rocking from side to side. After a long while, they pulled apart.

 

“I’m gonna go.”

 

Louis’ eyes widened in panic. “Love, I’m going to go home, and get myself together. Remember we’re still a team. This isn’t forever.”

 

He nodded slowly. She sighed, reaching up to run a hand through his hair.

 

“I know you’re more than a little hurt and confused. But it’ll work itself out. I just honestly feel like we need to end this specific chapter.”

 

He didn’t say anything, looking off to the side. She gave him a soft kiss on the cheek, before getting up. Taking the towel off her head, she shook her hair out a bit, pulling it into a loose ponytail. She put her wet clothes into a plastic bag, and put in her boots, grabbing her bag and umbrella.

 

“Harry has my number. Call anytime, and I’ll try my best to answer and come if you need me.”

 

He stared at her, nodding silently.

 

“Love you.” she said, before heading out.

 

“Love you too.” he whispered, watching her go.

 

Alone, in the room, he curled up on the bed, staring at nothing. He whispered to the thing growing inside him.

 

“You’re taking everything away from me.”

.

.

.

Eleanor knocked on the door across, and Zayn answered. He frowned at the look on her face.

 

“Are you alright?” he asked.

 

“Is Harry here.”

 

He watched her for a moment, before calling out, “Haz!”

 

A moment later, Harry appeared, took one look at her face, and asked for Niall’s room key. He tossed it, and Harry tugged Eleanor inside of Niall and Liam’s room just before she burst into tears.

 

He watched her for a moment, before reaching out and holding her hand.

 

“I’m really sorry.” he murmured softly.

 

She shook he r head, gasping in between sobs. “It was bound to happen.”

 

“I know you love him.”

 

She nodded, bring her other shaking hand to wipe at her face, before turning to face him.

 

“You better not hurt him, alright?”

 

“I’d never.”

 

She let out a laughing sob. “No, Harry. That’s such an easy thing to say. I thought the same thing, and then I ran out on him for a few days and nearly broke his heart.”

 

He opened his mouth to argue, to say anything to fight against what she said, but it was true.

 

“Then I’ll try my very best. With everything I have.”

 

She stared at him through red watery eyes. “I guess I can accept that.” she answered, before continuing. “You hold what’s left of him in your hands, Harry Styles. If you break him…I’ll honest to God kill you.”

 

He looked at her, how fierce her eyes were, how serious she was, even through all her hurt.

 

“I’d let you.” he answered honestly.

 

She sighed, tugging her hand free.

 

“Go to him. He’s all alone in there and we both know he’s not alright.”

 

He nodded.

 

“Bye Harry.” she said softly, before walking out.

 

She managed to hold it in until she got into the elevator. The moment the doors closed, she sobbed almost hysterically, until the last ten floors. Eleanor dabbed at her face, smoothing her hair back and took a few deep steadying breaths.

 

She got herself together as best as she could, and walked out of the elevator, where her ride was waiting for her.

 

She was doing the right thing.

 

Even though it really, really, hurt.

.

.

.

 

Harry entered the bedroom quietly. Louis was laying on his side, breathing softly.

 

“Lou?” he called out.

 

“She broke up with me.” Louis stated, voice blank.

 

Harry swallowed, moving to crawl on the bed and lay across from Louis, who was gazing straight ahead.

 

“What did I do wrong?” Louis asked.

 

“Nothing. You did nothing wrong, Louis.”

 

Louis didn’t say anything, only curled into himself more.

 

“Are you crying?” Harry asked softly.

 

“No. I think I’m running out of tears.” Louis replied.

 

“Lou…”

 

“You talked about…what happened earlier.” Louis said, changing the subject.

 

“Yea.”

 

“Did you know she was going to break up with me.”

 

Harry decided to be honest. Louis more than deserved his honesty.

 

“Yea.”

 

“And she wasn’t mad at me.”

 

“No, Louis. She was concerned. She gutted me with her umbrella.”

 

Louis couldn’t hold back his snort. They laid in silence, the sound of the rain hitting the windows.

 

“About what happened between us…” Harry started, and Louis sighed.

 

“Harry…can we not talk about that…at least, for a little while?”

 

Harry shut up.

 

“It’s…there are so many things I’m feeling and so many new things and I don’t know how to…deal with them and I kind of need a bit to think about it. I um...”

 

Harry nodded. “No, um, you’re right. Sorry.”

 

Louis bit his lip. He just kept hurting people he cared about, over, and over, and over again.

 

“But…can I hold you?” Harry asked, and Louis raised his eyes to finally meet Harry’s in the dimmed light.

 

He still…he still wanted to touch him? Even after all of his...mess?

 

“You…it won’t bother you?” Louis asked, and he sounded extremely vulnerable.

 

“Why would it?”

 

Louis stared at Harry for a moment, looking for annoyance, or anger, or anything, but all he saw was…love. He slowly moved so that Harry could gather him in his arms. Harry sat up so that Louis could lay comfortably, and the smaller of the two rested his head against Harry’s chest, closing his eyes and just…relaxing.

 

“Do everything on your on time, Louis.”

 

“Okay…”

 

“I’ve got you.” murmured Harry, against Louis’ hair.

 

Louis fisted his hand in Harry’s old shirt, breathing him in.

 

“I believe you.” he answered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All these heart to hearts proved to be a lot harder than I expected. I hope this wasn’t too bad. Sorry for the wait, and the mistakes.
> 
>  
> 
> I love you guys. And I forgot to thank you for all the birthday wishes.
> 
>  
> 
> You guys are the best. :)


	17. Chapter 17

“How are you going to get one?” she asked.

 

He smiled.

.

.

.

 

Louis held the cooling tea in his hands, taking a small sip and grimacing before placing the paper cup down on the table before him.  Management and their PR team were all gathered, along with his boys in a conference room, mapping out their new schedule. He tried his best to focus but his mind kept wandering. Instead, he fidgeted in his seat, his buttoned jeans sitting a little too tight on his baby bump. His face contorted slightly in discomfort, and shifted, pushing himself upwards a bit so he could unbutton them, and he sighed softly, immediately feeling better. He made sure the jumper he was wearing covered his jeans, before he pushed his hand under it, rubbing the slightly reddened skin. The button left a harsh imprint behind, and he scratched at it lightly, frowning a bit.

 

“Louis?”

 

Louis blinked out of his daze, glancing around and noticing everyone’s eyes on him. His frown deepened as he looked to Will.

 

“Are you feeling alright?” the man asked.

 

Louis blinked again, this time in confusion, one at the question, and two at any type of concern for his wellbeing coming from Will.

 

“We wouldn’t want a repeat of that one time is all.” Will continued.

 

Images of himself curled up on the ground of that bathroom, jeans saturated in his own blood flashed through his mind quickly and he barely kept his shudder at bay, instead forcing himself to nod and give off a vibe of nonchalance.

 

“I’m fine.” he answered, sitting up in his chair and meeting everyone’s eyes again.

 

The meeting droned on, a blonde woman getting up and pulling over a whiteboard, scribbling things down.

 

The door to the meeting room opened, and in came Simon Cowell. Everyone’s demeanor changed, and they all sat up and looked to him.  

 

“Hello everyone.” he said, before taking a seat and placing a manila folder on the table. He folded his hands on top of it.

 

Louis’ eyes drifted to the folder, before he glanced up and found Simon’s eyes on his. He froze.

 

“So, a lot has happened, hasn’t it?” Simon stated, and Louis nodded, swallowing. His throat was suddenly very dry.

 

Harry placed a comforting hand on Louis’ knee under the table, and Louis gripped the top of Harry’s hand tightly in response.

 

Simon opened the folder, taking out a few documents.

 

“Since your unplanned announcement of your current status, the one direction twitter page gained 2 million followers. Louis, you’ve gained roughly 3 million.”

 

Louis’ jaw dropped, as did everyone else’s.

 

Any random spare tickets for your shows have been purchased. There isn’t one left, or if there is, we’d really have to search. Radio stations bought as many as possible to they could use them to bring in listeners and raffle them off for contests and the like.”

 

It was silent.

 

“There have been so many requests for interviews, photo-shoots, and appearances, that we’ve set up another three inboxes and hired people for the sole purpose of sorting through them.”

 

Still silent.

 

“We closed your fan mail for the moment because there’s just too much being sent, more than ever before, and it’s actually overwhelming.”

 

Louis resisted the urge to bite his nails.

 

“So while, of course, we were furious about you going against our wishes and telling the fans…the world…a lot of good seems to be coming of this. It could have gone negative in every way but I think we’ll take this much of an interesting response as a blessing.”

 

Simon turned to Will.

 

“I’ve gone ahead and hired more security, and I’ve brought some potential promo opportunities to add to this growing list.” He looked back at the boys.   
We’re going to be very busy, Louis.”

 

Louis nodded.

 

“We’d like to begin proper public appearances again and the like as soon as possible. Our friendly neighbor Nick Grimshaw would like to be the first to interview you since your announcement. It’s not the biggest first interview opportunity of all time, but it’s a relatively comfortable environment for the first.”

 

Harry smiled. “That’d be nice.” He turned to Louis. “Would that bother you or…”

 

Louis bit his lip, trying not to frown, because he and Nick had possibly the worst personality clash of all time, but Simon was right. Nick was familiar.

 

“Yea, that sounds good. When would this be?” Louis asked.

 

“Tomorrow, if possible.” Simon replied, looking through his folder.

 

Louis blinked. That was soon. But they needed to keep moving. They stalled enough because of him already.

 

“Ok. But I need new clothes.”

 

“Lou’s got that covered. She wants to measure you today.” Will cut in, calling over a secretary to bring him some papers.

 

“I have a doctor’s appointment in…”

 

Harry grabbed his phone. “Two hours.” The curly haired boy finished.

 

Will frowned. “We need to add your appointments to the schedule. A lot of work.” he mumbled, rolling his eyes.

 

Louis resisted the urge to throw up a middle finger, instead slouching in his chair, annoyed. Simon started saying something, but Louis zoned out again, his gaze travelling to the windows lining the walls. He wished they’d open the blinds. The building was pretty tall, and it’d be nice to see the view. The first thing that Eleanor would do when she came to visit while they were touring was open all the blinds in the hotel room.

 

Oh…that’s right. She probably wouldn’t be coming to visit like before. A heavy feeling settled over him, and he pushed his hand up under his jumper, fingers trailing over the healing scars across his stomach. He traced them lightly, before speaking.

 

“Eleanor and I broke up.”

 

That halted the conversation.

 

“When?” Simon asked.

 

“A couple days ago.”

 

Will frowned.

 

“That…can be a problem. Eleanor had helped Louis keep a good straight image…which took a big blow with this whole baby disaster.”

 

“Was I not giving off a ‘good straight image’ before?” Louis asked, and Will rolled his eyes, ignoring him, instead looking to the two PR workers present.

 

“Laura and Mike, what do you propose we do about this?” he asked.

 

“Well, seeing as he’s gay, it’d probably be best if we find him another girl-

 

Woah woah woah…

 

“I’m…I’m nor gay.” Louis said, sitting up wide-eyed.

 

“Nonsense, you’re carrying another man’s baby-

 

Harry spoke up, seeing a look on Louis’ face that he didn’t like. “What does that matter? He just said he isn’t-

 

“Shush Harry.” Will said, cutting him off.

 

“Don’t shush him. He’s making a point.” Zayn spat, getting more and more fed up every time they met with the team.

 

Louis’ mind spun. Was he…was he gay? He…he hadn’t wanted to…to have sex with…that man…he had been with Eleanor…he still loved Eleanor…

 

“We need to figure out a new mage to project to the fans. Loving mother seems a bit too…above the fanbase, if that makes sense. We still need to present him as young and eligible.”

 

“If we have him come out, it might be a bit of a risk but we’ll be guaranteed some good LGBT support….”

 

But then again…he kissed Harry. Well, he more than kissed Harry. They’d…they had gone a lot further than he’d ever imagined going with his best friend. And…it had felt good, and he had lost himself so far in the moment and it had felt _good._

“Or we can find another girl. Someone willing to ‘forgive’ him for getting knocked up. It would be a cute love story, something to enthrall the fans…”

 

Louis was sucked back into the conversation like a magnet.

 

“Forgive me?” he asked suddenly, and everyone froze, Liam and Zayn sitting back down from where they’d stood up to defend their brother.

 

A liquid rage travelled through his veins, and he found himself trembling.

 

“Forgive me?” he asked again, “You’re going to hire some bitch and then give off some story that she was willing to look past my mistakes and ‘forgive me’ and ‘love me’ like I’m some charity case?”

 

Louis clenched his fists.

 

“And what, we’ll be the perfect family and we’ll raise this kid together? Are you serious? And…you said make me come out, well I…I don’t know what I am, but you’re not going to use me to gain success with the gay community, I’m not going to lie to them like that…you’re not going to use me like that…we both deserve better.”

 

“Louis-

 

“Shut up. Let me finish. This is going to be my choice. It will be my choice who I raise this kid with. It will be my choice when I come out if I come out. I am a person. You can’t just force yourself-

 

And his voice cut off abruptly, his eyes wide and his skin red and…he was shaking and seething and how dare they, how dare they, they had no right, they couldn’t…he…people kept taking his freedom of choice away from him, they kept…pushing and pushing and pushing like _he_ had, thrusting and thrusting and thrusting and not stopping as he screamed and plead and begged… it had hurt, it had hurt so much and they were…they were basically doing the same thing and he would. Not. Let. Them. He would hurl himself and this baby out of this fifteen-story window before they MADE him do ANYTHING like this, he would rather die, they would NOT-

 

He came to himself with a start, and blinked in confusion, because where…

 

His eyes zoomed into focus, looking at Harry was stooped in front of him, staring at him with thinly veiled concern. Louis opened his mouth, but found he was parched, and then realized that he was breathing at least three breaths per second, and he was really dazed…and…he glanced down at his hands, knuckles white as they clenched the armrests in a chair that was…outside of the conference room?

 

Zayn appeared suddenly, with a bottle of water. He looked really…worried…and he was. He stared at Louis, and couldn’t help but feel afraid. Because Louis was breathing like he was afraid his lungs were going on strike soon and he needed to get as much as he could, and his skin was pale and he was shaking but his face was a alarmingly blank, and it was so worrying to see so many outward signs of a loss of control but no expression to match. Harry reached for the water bottle, and he gave it to him.

 

“Are you thirsty?” Harry asked suddenly, and Louis’ eyes were drawn to Harry again. He blinked slowly, as if not comprehending, and his head fell back against the wall. He closed his eyes and just tried to…disappear.

 

The next time he opened his eyes, Simon was standing with Liam nearby, speaking with him, saying things that he really couldn’t comprehend. Nothing anybody was saying made sense. Harry appeared again, mumbling something, and only little clips and snippets of sounds were registered.

 

He closed his eyes again.

 

When he reopened them, he was in someone’s arms, shifting, and weightless. Was he being carried? He frowned, but couldn’t find it in him to complain. He couldn’t find any words at all. So he closed his eyes for the third time.

 

.

.

.

 

Louis sighed softly, shifting. He was…what? He opened his eyes, blinking and looking around.

 

He was…in a bed. Okay.

 

He looked down at himself and…his hat was on the edge of his pillow, one of his shoes where off, and his jumper was half off, which, actually, was extremely alarming. He quickly pulled the article of clothing back on, and got out of the bed, away from the bed, nowhere near the bed, instead focusing on finding his shoe…which was in a corner of the room.  He walked over, slipping it onto his foot. There was a knock on the closed door and he looked, paralyzed as a man in a…white coat let himself in. He held a chart and folder in his hands.

 

His jet black hair was styled nicely, and his dark skin was literally flawless. There was a name tag on his coat, but Louis couldn’t make it out.

 

“Hello Louis, or Mr. Tomlinson. Which would you prefer?”

 

“I’d prefer to know who you are, and where I am, actually.”

 

The man laughed, taking a seat in a chair nearby.

 

“That makes sense, sorry about that. I’m Dr. Omar Basak, and you can refer to me as either, or something else.”

 

Louis frowned.

 

“Okay, Omar. And where am I?”

 

“The hospital.”

 

The…the hospital? But he was…he had been…where had he been again? Hs confusion must have shown on his face, because the doctor nodded and gestured to a seat.

 

“Why don’t you sit and then we can talk. Make yourself comfortable.”

 

“Not really possible mate, I’m a little to freakin weirded out to be honest.”

 

“That’s understandable. You can stay standing then.”

 

Louis’ frown deepened. He looked around the room, and then it hit him. He’d been at a meeting with the boys, and…he had gotten really angry and…

 

“Why am I here?” Louis asked suddenly.

 

“You…were unresponsive for a number of hours. Your friends were concerned.” Dr. Basak replied, and oh, he was watching Louis and writing things down.

 

That was….

 

“And…why were my clothes…weird?”

 

“Well…you were unresponsive until we attempted to change your clothes into a hospital gown, but the moment we tried, you lashed out and broke a nurse’s nose. So instead, we let you lie, and brought you here.”

 

It clicked.

 

“What kind of Doctor are you?” Louis asked softly.

 

The man hesitated for a moment, surveying Louis closely, before answering.

 

“A psychiatrist.”

 

Louis almost went over to one of the chairs and launched it across the room. Almost. Instead, he smiled.

 

“Well Doctor, as you can see, I’m not crazy.”

 

“Louis-

 

“Mr. Tomlinson, actually. You asked what was preferred, and it’s Mr. Tomlinson, because we aren’t friends, and I don’t plan on talking to you…at all, after today.”

 

“Mr. Tomlinson, nobody suspects you of being crazy-

 

“What do you know?”

 

“Excuse me?” The man asked.

 

“My mum is the one who makes decisions for me if I’m…out of it, right? What did she tell you?”

 

“Nothing, and she was very worried. Do you have something you wish to tell me?”

 

No. No this man wasn’t going to get anything out of him, as all. Screw him. Screw everybody.

 

“No, I don’t have anything I wish to tell you, asshole. I’m leaving.”

 

“Mr. Tom-

 

“Are you saying I can’t?”

 

Dr. Basak stopped speaking, instead watching Louis and scribbling something down on that stupid chart of his that would probably label Louis as insane for the rest of his life, and Louis was furious.

 

“Dr. Basak, I promise you, if I find I need any help in this…mental ward or whatever, you’ll be the first I call. But I don’t think you can really keep me here unless I’m a danger to others, myself, and the baby, right?”

 

They hadn’t managed to get his clothes off. They haven’t seen the scratches against his stomach. They didn’t know.

 

“I’m just really tired, is all. And I just need some time to sleep. I’m fine…so I’m going to leave. Please let me go.”

 

The man watched him, before finally nodding.

 

“Alright. I assume this is a choice you wish to make. On your own.”

 

Louis froze, staring at him. Choice. He said that word on purpose.

 

“Here is my number. I’ll take your promise to heart.”

 

Louis nodded.

 

“And, I believe you were due to have a check up with Dr. Minnie, correct?”

 

Louis nodded again.

 

“Why don’t I walk you there? Tie your shoelace first, though.”

 

Louis walked over to a chair, sitting down and fixing himself up before following the man out of the room. He kept his gaze on Dr. Basak’s back, not wanting to see anyone else who was in this corridor. He just wanted to leave. Louis almost collided with him, and moved to the side, looking up.

 

He was in the OBGYN. And…an office labeled Dr. Barnes was beside them. Dr. Basak knocked, and it took a few second for the door to open. Dr. Minnie was there, and she smiled.

 

“Louis, come on in. Omar, I’ll talk to you later.”

 

The man nodded, before giving Louis a calculating look and walking off. Dr. Minnie shut the door behind her.

 

“You know him.” Louis stated, and she nodded.

 

“I know a lot of doctors.” she said, before motioning for Louis to take a seat. He ignored her.

 

“Louis, you seem a little upset.”

 

“I don’t like being called crazy.”

 

She frowned, and looked a little saddened. The concern on her face threw him off a bit.

 

“Louis, speaking to a professional hardly means you’re crazy. Crazy is such a terrible word for any sort of mental condition at all, really.”

 

“So you think I have a mental condition?” Louis asked, throwing himself in the chair, because he was still a little tired, but he wanted to sit because he could, not because she said so.

 

“I think you have a lot going on. And I think you have enough going on that you tuned out of the world for over five hours.”

 

Five…five hours? He was…out for five hours?

 

“We wanted to monitor you, because you seemed under enough duress to maybe trigger early labor. You remember talking about that, right? And the risks?”

 

He nodded, still reeling from learning that he had been stuck wherever in his head for over five hours.

 

“You panicked when we tried to change you, and you were twitchy enough for us to forgo iv’s and anything needle related, so we placed you in a room and had a nurse check on you every fifteen minutes, which was a monumental use of resources but I’ve developed a bit of a soft spot for you.

 

She smiled in a way meant to be reassuring but Louis just couldn’t.

 

She sighed.

 

“We all just want the best for you, Louis. And for your baby.”

 

And the baby. His. His baby.

 

“Alright, well, let’s proceed with the checkup. I know you want to get out of here as soon as possible. Just take off the jumper, and keep your undershirt on for now.”

 

Louis glanced up at her, pulling it off. She didn’t know anything.

 

He needed to calm down.

 

She went through the motions, frowning a bit at his slightly elevated blood pressure, but that was to be expected. As she went through her list, she checked things off on his charts.

 

“Has there been anything about the pregnancy bothering you lately? Any pains or discomfort?”

 

He shook his head no.

 

“Alright, any strange dreams? It’s not an uncommon symptom.”

 

You mean, aside from those mind-numbing and emotionally crippling nightmares he had more often then not?

 

“No, no weird dreams.”

 

She smiled.

 

“Alright, then let’s move on to your sonogram. If you’ll come with me…” she trailed off at the sight of Louis gong paper white.

 

She quickly placed her charts down and rushed over to him, but he leaned away from her.

 

“It was an accident.” he whispered.

 

She stopped, and stared, puzzled.

 

“Please don’t…I didn’t mean too.”

 

“Louis, I don’t understand. Are you feeling well? Are you in pain?”

 

Getting a sonogram  meant that she…she would get a close look at his stomach, and the angry scratches that were still healing.

 

“No, I…sometimes when I sleep I…I scratch. I didn’t do it on purpose, I promise.”

 

Her concerned frown deepened. “Didn’t do what?” the woman asked him, and before he lost his will and ran out and away from everything, he lifted up his shirt, exposing his healing stomach.

 

She didn’t show any reaction, instead carefully tracing the scratches and examining them closely.

 

“It happened in my sleep. It was an accident.”

 

It wasn’t like it was a complete lie. Sometimes he woke up with is arms wound so tightly around his stomach he couldn’t breathe right. There was always the chance that…he might have accidently hurt himself, right?

 

She met his eyes again, as if searching them for something, before she slowly nodded.

 

“Alright. Let’s get this sonogram done with, and we’ll chat a bit more after that before I let you go.”

 

He nodded, pulling his shirt back down. She walked out and he followed her to another room, where a nurse was standing by a monitor. Louis climbed up onto the bed, and in a few moments everything was ready. He flushed a bit at having his stomach exposed again, before flinching at the cold gel being lathered on his skin.

 

Dr.Minnie slowly ran the transducer against his stomach, and then a little image popped up on the screen.

 

“There’s your darling.” she whispered, and Louis couldn’t help but stare. It was so tiny. So helpless. Kind of like he felt. He wanted to hold it. For a split second, he wanted to know what his baby would feel like in his arms. He didn’t realize he had moved his arm and was reaching toward the screen until the edges of his fingers popped into his line of sight. He quickly put his arm back down, banishing those thoughts from his head.

 

“Can’t determine the sex, just a few more weeks.” she mumbled.

 

His doctor turned the machine off, and gave Louis some time to clean himself up, and together, they walked back into her office. He pulled his jumper back on, feeling a little cold, and he sat while she scribbled some stuff down.

 

“Okay, you’re mostly healthy, still a bit more exhausted than I’d like but we’ll take that one step at a time. Your little one is doing great…you heard how strong its heartbeat was, right? What a fighter…like you.”

 

Louis blushed, looking down at his hands in his lap. A knock interrupted them, and the door opened to reveal the nurse who had been with them for the sonogram. She handed Louis a print out, smiling, before letting herself out. Louis took it without looking down at it.

 

“So now I’d like to officially welcome and congratulate you for your fourth month, and also you second trimester. I’m presuming most of your rougher symptoms have weaned a bit, the random bouts of nausea and morning sickness…”

 

He nodded.

 

“Great. And here, I’ve written down the name of a nice antiseptic cream to use on the scratches. Once a day should do, to help things heal better. It’s a bit later than I would have liked, but it’ll help. Keep up with your meds, try to get more rest, and call me if anything. I’ll be speaking to one of your reps for your next appointment. Any questions?”

 

He thought for a moment, before noticing her nametag.

 

“You’re an OBGYN?” he asked, and she nodded.

 

“Then…then how did…you were the first doctor I saw…how did you know?”

 

She laughed. “Oh, well, I recognized the symptoms, and I’ve worked with pregnant males before, so I walked in there having a pretty strong feel that you were a few months along.”

 

Oh. Had it really been that obvious?

 

“Anything else?” she asked, and he shook his head no.

 

“Okay then. See you soon. Your friends are…where are your friends? Hopefully somewhere secluded. Give me a moment…”

 

She walked out while Louis fixed the rest of his clothes. He then stood up, and his stomach growled loudly. Gosh, he was starving. Peeking out of the room, there was a vending machine down the hall, but…he searched his pockets and found no wallet. One of the boys probably had it.

 

One of the boys.

 

Oh, this upcoming talk he was going to have with them was going to suck, but he was pissed, and they’d deserve it.

 

“Louis?”

 

He turned and saw his doctor walking back.

 

“Just come with me. They’re at the private waiting room.”

 

They walked together, and she stopped for a moment to chat with a pregnant female waddling down the corridor, before they were off again, to a lift. They got in together and she pressed a button. It was silent, and Louis was thankful for it. He didn’t feel like talking. The doors opened and they stepped out. He began to recognize where they were, and then they were at the private waiting room. She knocked, and Paul answered.

 

The man’s eyes lit up at seeing Louis awake and aware.

 

“I have another patient coming soon, you’re lucky you caught me on my break. Remember to call if anything.”

 

She waved and headed off, and Paul carefully pulled Louis into the room.

 

“Louis!” all the boys yelled, getting up to crowd him. They looked horrible, tired, and stressed. Louis felt a little bad, but held his hands up to ward them off.

 

“No.” he said, and ignored their hurt and puzzled looks, especially Harry’s, don’t look at Harry, do not look at Harry, before he turned to Paul.

 

“Can we go? Now.”

 

Paul looked at all of them before looking at Louis, and sighing, nodding.

 

“Yea, let’s go. No crowd this time, luckily.”

 

They headed out, Louis ignoring all of the boys and climbing into the van, curling up an closing his eyes. He ignored their questions and comments, they just needed to be back at the hotel, please and thank you. He wished he had his phone and earphones, because then he could listen to music.

 

He was tired, but not tired enough to dose off, so he lost himself in his thoughts until Paul mumbled a, “We’re here.”

 

They piled out of the car, and Louis focused on everything but the boys, even when they all walked into him and Harry’s room. He put down the printout went straight to the fridge, grabbing a bottle of water and downing nearly half of it in one go. He then carefully placed the bottle on the counter, before slowly turning around to face his audience.

 

All of the anger from everything that happened today bubbled up, filling him, and he let it.

 

Louis was livid.

 

“So, you had me put in the looney bin.” he started.

 

“Lo-

 

“Shut up.”

 

Louis took a deep breath, because he was about five seconds from absolutely losing his mind. Everyday he dealt with his thoughts taking a constant turn for the worst, and little voices that whispered from repressed memories and touches from ghosts and nightmares and he was trying so hard not to lose it, not to think he was losing it…and he woke up with a psychiatrist ready to evaluate him and it wasn’t fair.

 

None of this was fair.

 

“Why did you send me there?” he asked, clenching his fists.

 

“Louis, you were…you were talking at the meeting and then you froze mate, you just stopped talking and responding. You walked out and sat in a chair and you were gone…it was like before, and we…you’re pregnant mate. We were worried.” Zayn started.

 

Liam spoke up. “We drove you to the hospital, and they took you. They couldn’t get a word out of you or anything, so they said it might be something like…emotional or mental or summat. They wanted to send you and we…we said yes because we were concerned.”

 

He wasn’t crazy.

 

He.

Wasn’t.

Crazy.

 

“I’m not crazy, Liam.”

 

“Lou, we don’t think you’re crazy.” Harry said, and Louis exploded.

 

“Then why did you say yes?” he screamed, stomping forward angrily until he was right in front of Harry, and the look in his eye had Harry, no, all the boys, take a step back. “Why did you let them…I woke up and this man was looking at me like I needed a freaking straight jacket!”

 

Harry held his hands up in a gesture of surrender. “Louis, we didn’t know what to do-

 

“Then you should have taken me home!”

 

“That wasn’t an option. They were afraid you might go into early labor…because of stress or something.” Niall said, softly.

 

Louis wanted to hit something. He wanted to make something hurt, or break something, trash something, scream and tear his brain out of his skull and tell it to shut up and stop and be quiet and leave him alone. He wanted to kill the man who did this to him, who made him like this, who ripped a piece out of him and left this mess for him to deal with, this mess for him to be.

 

“We just wanted-

 

“I don’t care what you want!” Louis shouted, moving to shove Liam back.

 

“Louis, calm down babe-“ said Zayn but Louis whirled to face him, eyes wide.

 

“Don’t tell me to calm down. Don’t tell me to anything. I am my own person. I will decide if I need to speak to a professional. I will decide what happens with _my_ body. It’s my choice. I don’t care what you want. It’s not your choice. It’s mine. You will never have the right to take that from me! So don’t you dare! Don’t you ever!”

 

His own brothers thought he was crazy.

 

He…he couldn’t handle that.

 

So he left. He turned and rushed into the bedroom, moving to slam the door but Harry was there.

 

“Louis-

 

“Get out.”

 

“Louis please-

 

“Get out, Harry!”

 

“Louis, we need to talk about this, please.”

 

“The only thing _I_ need is for you to get the hell out.”

 

“No.”

 

Louis froze, staring at Harry.

 

“You don’t understand, Louis. You just…you stopped. You went on pause, and nothing we did could wake you up. We…everyone freaked out. For a while, like two minutes, you were with us but then you closed your eyes and just…we…we took you there and I’m sorry that they sent you to the mental ward but…we couldn’t…Louis I’m sorry, I just didn’t know what to do…”

 

Louis kept staring.

 

“I don’t think you’re crazy.” Harry whispered.

 

It was quiet aside from their frantic breathing.

 

“None of us do. I just think…I think you’re hurting, and I think you’re scared, and I think you’re tired and uncertain and even confused at what you’re feeling but I don’t think you’re crazy.”

 

Harry…how did Harry see these things? How did he know?

 

Harry slowly walked closer, until he was right in front of Louis. He slowly brought his arms around the smaller male, pulling him close. Louis…Louis let himself drift for a moment, in the smell of Harry, in the feel of his arms around him, in the warm feeling, before he abruptly shoved him off.

 

No. No, screw Harry. Screw Harry and his…his everything. His…his smile and his heart and his eagerness to help and his love and his everything. It was a waste. Harry didn’t deserve this, to be stuck with him as a friend, as a anything…because Harry couldn’t make everything better. Nobody could, nobody could fix him, he himself didn’t even know how many things there were to fix. How many leaks and cracks and-

 

Harry grabbed him again, holding him tight.

 

Harry…

 

“I just want you to be okay. Please don’t push me away.”

 

“I…” Louis started, not knowing how to speak, what to say…

 

He reached his arms around, crushing Harry to him, and burying his head in  the crook of his neck.

 

“I’m not okay, Harry.” he whispered.

 

“I know.”

 

“I want to be but I can’t.” Louis continued. “I…” he moved back slightly, looking up at Harry, at his wide green eyes, his pretty skin, his pink lips…

 

“I want to be better. I want to feel better…I want to…”

 

He grabbed Harry head, pulling him down onto his lips.

 

He needed to feel something, anything, other than this chaos. This hurt.

 

Harry gasped and Louis slid his tongue into the taller boy’s mouth, and for a moment, there was calm.

 

For a moment, everything around him wasn’t dark, and murky, and seeping with rage and agony and distress. It was clean. He was clean. And then…

 

_“I like the whole, struggling, fighting, not wanting it thing. It’s a bit of a turn on. Plus, you’re an awesome deep throat.”_

Someone else, moaning into his mouth, forcing their tongue where it wasn’t wanted, the taste of something bitter and disgusting, filthy…filthy filthy filthy.

 

Louis gasped, yanking his lips off of Harry’s, slamming his head back against the wall.

 

No. No no…stop it, no. Not like this. He couldn’t…not like this.

 

“Tell me what you need, Louis.” Harry whispered, and Louis held him close, stop shaking, stop it.

 

“Hold me.” Louis answered.

 

“Okay.”

 

“Wait for me.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“And when I tell you everything…don’t hate me. Please Harry…don’t hate me.”

 

Harry smiled worriedly, leaning down to press his forehead against Louis’.

 

“I already told you Louis. I could never hate you.”

 

How was Harry real? How was Harry a real person, and how did he manage to befriend someone like him? Someone who cared so much?

 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for yelling. I’m sorry for-

 

“It’s okay. You’re scared and angry and tired, and it’s okay.”

 

Louis laughed, the sound coming out as a sob.

 

“I don’t know what I’m doing.” he muttered, and Harry held him tighter.

 

“Me neither.” said Harry, “So let’s figure it out together. Is that alright with you?”

 

Louis closed his eyes.

 

“Yea…”

 

Harry nodded, and the two slowly pulled apart.

 

“Order a cheeseburger for me please. I’m gonna go pee.” Louis mumbled, and he walked into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.

 

He’d kissed Harry.

 

Again.

 

And it had felt good.

 

Again.

 

Why?

 

He turned the faucet on, rolling up his sleeves before splashing some water on his face. Drying himself, he peered into the mirror.

 

He looked how he felt.

 

Reaching into his back pocket, he pulled out the piece of paper with Dr. Basak’s number scrawled across it. He stared at it for a moment, and then held it with both hands, ready to tear it, but then stopped.

 

Instead, he folded it carefully, and put it back in his pocket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Louis is slowly getting it, what Harry means to him, and does to him. ;) Too bad it’s happening while he continues to hurt. 
> 
>  
> 
> Poor Louis. :’(
> 
>  
> 
> Haha sooo now…I’m taking the time to apologize to anyone in the medical field who suffered through this and continue to suffer through this because I am at least 2478% sure I broke like 1000 medical rules and the like haha I am so sorry.
> 
>  
> 
> I’m also sorry for the wait and for the mess this is.
> 
>  
> 
> Apologies aside, you guys are the best, and I love you.
> 
>  
> 
> Stay beautiful. <3


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings down below. :/

Louis adjusted the mic from where he was seated, ignoring how Nick’s eyes flickered to his stomach every point five seconds. He glanced over at Harry, who was tapping away at his phone, eyebrows furrowed in concentration. Louis shifted, grabbing his new phone. He entered the code, clicking the twitter app.

 

He’d been asked/told to try and communicate with the fans more so…sure.

 

**Louis_Tomlinson: Tune into BBC Radio 1 . Gonna chat with @grimmers !**

His twitter was automatically flooded with replies, and he scrolled through, reading some declarations of love, begs for follows, general excitement, inquiries about his sexuality, larry, and a few death threats.

 

He rolled his eyes, tucking his phone away into his hoodie pocket. He picked a piece of fuzz from off of his new jeans, from that designer Lou had talked about. They were comfy, the top a nice cotton stretchy material with a drawstring, and the material after that was like jeans. He wasn’t a big fan of the look, so he wore shirts long enough to cover it, but it was a nice relief from how squished he’d felt in his normal jeans.

 

Getting bigger was going to suck.

 

Zayn was whispering to Liam, who was giggling in return, Niall adding obscene commentary every now and then. They tried to stay quiet, as Nick was live, but he was pretty sure people could hear them. Louis rolled his eyes fondly, looking over at Harry again. He was frowning down at his phone. Louis leaned over slightly to peer down at the screen, catching a glimpse of _his_ twitter. Harry was looking through Louis twitter replies and clearly didn’t like what he saw.

 

Louis sighed, because there wasn’t really anything they could do about it. People were just going to hate him. Even when he wasn’t a screw up, people hated him. Now he just gave them a bigger reason too. A reason that would keep growing. He placed his hand on his stomach for a moment before reaching up and tucking one of Harry’s stray curls back into the scarf on his head. Harry looked down at Louis, his eyes immediately clearing into something fond, and Louis blushed, looking down at his lap.

 

“Huh.”

 

Louis looked up to see Nick smirking at him, and he frowned.

 

“Aren’t you sup-

 

“Don’t worry sweetheart. News break.” Nick interrupted, and Louis’ frown deepened.

 

“How long until we’re on?” Harry asked, glancing between Nick and Louis nervously.

 

“Ten minutes.” Nick replied, leaning back in his chair with a yawn.

 

A hand settled on Louis’ thigh and Louis looked over to lock eyes with Zayn.

 

“You good?” Zayn asked softly, and Louis nodded, when he kind of wasn’t.

 

He was actually really terrified, to be honest. This interview could go to hell and back in a matter of seconds. And he was hungry. Which was kind of annoying because he ate a little over an hour ago, and had had tea around fifteen minutes past.

 

Nick signaled for them to quiet down again, before he began speaking. Louis watched him, really, he was in his natural element, before a song was played. Nick took out his phone, typing something in, and a few seconds later, Harry’s phone lit up. Louis observed as Harry looked down at it, blushing and biting his lips as he looked up at Nick who was smirking.

 

A flash of something bitter shot through Louis and he glared down at his clasped hands. His phone vibrated a moment later and he glanced down at it.

 

-dnt worry Harry likes u better- Niall

 

Louis looked up and over to Niall who stuck his tongue out at him, turning back to Zayn and Liam’s conversation.

 

Okay…

 

“Alright ladies and fine gents, I’m not going to play clueless here and wonder what you’re all waiting for. Yes, the one of a kind One Direction is currently in studio, seated about me and taking up way too much space.”

 

Nick paused, shooting a wink to Louis. Louis blinked.

 

Did…did Nick just call him _fat_?

 

Oh, this was going to be really interesting, alright.

 

Nick continued to ramble on, and then he nodded at them.

 

“Say hello boys.”

 

“Hi!” they all chimed in.

 

“So how are you all feeling? Liam?”

 

“Good , mate. You?” Liam answered.

 

“I’m lovely, thank you Liam, always so kind, that Liam. Zayn, love, how are you?”

 

“Good.”

 

“Just good, Zayn?” Nick asked, with a smile.

 

“Yup.” Zayn replied, with a raised eyebrow.

 

“Niall then, how are you, Niall?”

 

“I’m great.”

 

“Ah, you’re great. Why are you great, Niall?”

 

“Got a good nights rest, had an awesome breakfast, and we have the rest of the day off.”

 

“Oh, that sounds like a plan. Harold, my darling Harold, how are you?”

 

Harry smiled, brilliant as always. “I’m alright.”

 

“Just alright, young Harold?”

 

Harry blushed again.

 

“Why am I always young Harold.” he asked with a joking whine.

 

“Because you’re the baby, Harry.” Nick laughed, reaching over to ruffle his hair.

 

Louis rolled his eyes.

 

“And lastly, we have spitfire Tomlinson. How are you, Louis?”

 

“Oh I’m absolutely wonderful, Nick.”

 

Nick smirked.

 

“Absolutely wonderful, are we?”

 

“Most certainly, yea.”

 

“And what makes you so absolutely wonderful, Mr. Tomlinson.”

 

“How could I not be, sat in a room with the oh so marvelous Nick Grimshaw. I’m positively smitten.”

 

“Smitten, hm? Is it the quiff, Mr. Tomlinson?”

 

“It’s the whole package Mr. Grimshaw. Such a charming personality.”

 

“I’m glad to hear I have such a positive impact on you.” Nick said, his smirk widening.

 

“Oh, I hope so. I want nothing but your happiness.” Louis said, his head slightly cocked to the side.

 

“Same, love, same. How’s the baby?”

 

Everyone froze but Louis.

 

“The baby is fine.”

 

“No problems?”

 

“A few, but that’s to be expected, innit?”

 

“I suppose. How far along are you, Mr. Tomlinson?”

 

“I’m four months along, which is my second trimester, Mr. Grimshaw.”

 

“Still puking?”

 

“Only sometimes.”

 

“Any other symptoms, Mr. Tomlinson?”

 

“I get tired more often. And cravings, Mr. Grimshaw.”

 

“Hm.”

 

“Yup.”

 

“You’re barely showing.”

 

“That’ll change soon.”

 

“Well, you’re still fit as ever, and will be, Mr. Tomlinson.”

 

“I appreciate that very much, Mr. Grimshaw.”

 

“Zayn, any new tats to show us?”

 

Zayn answered without hesitation.

 

Louis blinked, confusedly, the abrupt change in topic throwing him off. He glanced at all the other boys, but they were all focused on Zayn. Louis then looked at Nick, who was staring back at him with a…a smile… as he spoke to Zayn.

 

That was…oh…that was it? Did…did he do that on purpose?

 

It was…it was over. The part he’d been dreading had flown by, just like that… and…that was it. That was literally it… Louis found himself falling back against his chair, a deep breath of relief flowing out of him.

 

At this moment, he was grateful there were no cameras involved with this interview, so that he could take a few seconds to himself, just to tune out. He let the background chatter breeze by, closing his eyes and softly trailing his fingers against his stomach. He slipped his hand under his shirt, resting his palm against the small bump.

 

He wondered if the baby in there could feel the warmth from his hand. Would it even want to? He still couldn’t find it in him to say he truly wanted this child, but he’d never thought that perhaps the baby thought the same thing. What if it didn’t want him? And who was he to say it wasn’t deserved?

 

He forced himself to file those thoughts away and add them to the ever-growing pile of self-hatred he had. He was running out of space to hide these feelings. They were bubbling over.

 

Someone carded their hand through his hair gently, and Louis leaned his head into the touch, opening his eyes to meet Harry’s.

 

“You okay?” Harry whispered, and Louis nodded, shooting him a quick smile.

 

Liam was talking now, Niall occasionally interrupting, and Zayn watching with literally the fondest look on his face. Louis couldn’t help but grin as he listened in, and Harry’s hand was still massaging his scalp. He pointedly kept his gaze from Nick, who he knew was watching with that _look_.

 

“And young Harold, any word on what your tour is going to be like with the little one on the way?”

 

Louis bit his lip.

 

“Erm, well, everything that we plan will be done with Louis’ safety in mind. We want to be comfortable, and it’s not a sacrifice.”

 

“As long as Louis is happy, we’re happy.” Zayn added, reaching over to pat Louis’ knee.

 

Louis blushed, glancing down at his lap. Harry removed his hand from Louis head, instead grabbing Louis’ hand, gently running his thumb in circles.

 

The constant touch was oddly comforting.

 

The rest of the interview flew by, and before long, it was done. The boys said their goodbyes to the listeners and Nick put on another song, something with a catchy beat about being on a team, Louis didn’t know, he hadn’t listened to new music in a while.

 

One of their new PR reps was signaling for them to make their way out. The boys all stood up, waving to Nick and walking out silently. They were led into an empty room.

 

“So what’s the verdict?” Zayn asked, as soon as the door was closed.

 

The lady frowned. “Well, we could have done without that rapid fire sass off-

 

“You mean the part of the interview that we were all nervous about but went off without a hitch?” Niall interrupted, and she glared.

 

“Please don’t interrupt me, Mr. Horan. I know us PR’s don’t have the best track record with you `here, but I was personally hired by Mr. Cowell to insure the best of the situation at hand. I mean well. So, yes, that tactic worked well, and I was getting to that, but in the future, I’d like for less sass and more honesty…”

 

She trailed off, looking over at Louis for a moment.

 

“You know what…never mind. Be as honest as you can without being offensive. We want the fans to think you’re doing alright, and that interview gave off a vibe that pregnant or not, you’re still the same Louis. So yes…good job boys.”

 

She smiled.

 

“What’s your name?” Louis asked suddenly.

 

“Sarah.”

 

“Hm.” Louis muttered, staring at her.

 

 

“As for twitter, the plan is still to keep your separation from Eleanor on the down low. As for…the nasty things you’re getting, and they’re really nasty, please try to ignore that and stay positive. Reply to the kind fans, try and interact more with them. Some of them have proved themselves really loyal.”

 

The boys nodded.

 

“We scheduled a meet up between you and Tate Corbin, the one who’s been designing clothes for you, Louis. You, him, and Lou will meet soon to plan some outfits. Not every interview will be as casual. There’s an award show coming up you need to be ready for.”

 

Louis it his lip as she rattled on their schedule, seemingly never ending. He felt more and more exhausted as she added to the list.

 

Sarah paused after a moment, looking at Louis again. She closed her notebook.

 

“Sorry, I know it’s a lot. Let’s separate for now. You have the rest of the day off. Try to enjoy it, yea? You’ll probably here from me or one of the others later. Or I’ll just send an email or something.”

 

She grabbed her phone, scrolling through it.

 

“Paul is near the entrance, and a ride for you is out back. I’ll send someone up to escort you. If you feel like it, with some help controlling the crowd, maybe sign a few autographs, take a few pictures. But only if you feel like it. There will be meet and greets in the future that will definitely be easier to deal with.”

 

She glanced at them again. The boys looked at each other.

 

“I don’t mind if you guys don’t mind.” said Niall, shrugging.

 

“Same.” added Zayn.

 

“Yea, we haven’t really spoken to any fans face to face in a while.” Liam said, looking at the other boys.

 

“Lou?” asked Harry, and Louis shrugged.

 

“Um, I would, but I kind of want to talk with Nick fist. How long til he’s done?”

 

Harry frowned.

 

Sarah glanced at her phone. “Twenty minutes. Any reason you’d like to chat?”

 

“It’s nothing serious.” Louis mumbled, looking up at Harry. “I’m not mad at him. I know we don’t really get on but I just want to talk to him for a moment.”

 

“I don’t see why you couldn’t.” muttered Sarah, typing something into her phone. “Are you boys going to wait? I think it’d be easer if you all left together.”

 

“Sure.” Liam answered, flopping down onto one of the couches. Niall dove on top of him, laughing at the yelp Liam let out at the sudden weight.

 

Zayn snorted, sitting on an unoccupied chair.

 

“I’ll give the studio a heads up.” Sarah said, walking out.

 

Louis shrugged, sitting on another empty couch, Harry following suit.

 

“She seems a bit better than the others.” he whispered, and Harry nodded.

 

“Yea…but um…you and Nick-

 

“I just want a simple talk. I promise it’s nothing serious like that. I’ll be on my best behavior.” Louis sighed, rolling his eyes.

 

“It’s not that I don’t trust you. It’s that…I know how Nick can get sometimes is all.”

 

Oh. Louis had thought…that Harry was afraid for Nick.

 

He smiled. “It’s fine Harry.” he said, grabbing a water bottle from a table in front of them, uncapping it and taking a large sip. A small dribble of water escaped his mouth, trailing town his chin. Harry reached over, carefully wiping it away. Louis removed the water bottle from his mouth, to stare up at Harry.

 

He licked his lips. Harry followed the movement, his thumb still resting against Louis’ chin. Louis couldn’t look away. The water bottle began to slip from his hands, everything in him focusing on those pretty green eyes. It was the feeling of the bottle hitting his foot before spilling across the carpet that ripped his attention from Harry, everything Harry, always Harry.

 

He watched the water stain darken the light carpet, before bending to pick it up and place it on the table across from them.

 

“I’m gonna go pee.” he said distractedly, forcing himself not to meet anybody’s eyes in the room. He knew the way to the loo from the multiple interviews they’d had at the BBC Radio 1 studio prior.

 

Waving to people who said hello as he passed, he quickly made his way into the nearest men’s room, shutting the door behind him. Louis pressed his back against the white tiled wall, splaying his palms out, breathing deeply in, and out, in, and out. The sound of the door opening ripped him out of attempted calm. He opened his eyes to see Harry standing there. The taller of the two locked the door, before walking to Louis, pressing him against the wall.

 

What was going on, what was Harry doing, and did he even want him to stop?

 

Harry suddenly kissed him, and Louis gasped before shoving him off.

 

“Ask me.” Louis rasped out, and Harry pressed him against the wall again.

 

“Can I kiss you?”

 

Louis’ heart was beating too fast.

 

“I don’t know…” he whispered, head spinning.

 

He began to slide down the wall, and Harry slid his knee between Louis’ legs so he wouldn’t fall. Louis moaned softly.

 

“Harry…”

 

“What do you need?”

 

“You…you have to ask, alright? You always have to ask. Every time. If…if we kiss…or…I don’t…I don’t know what this…ask me…ask me…”

 

“Louis, open your eyes. Look at me.”

 

He did. Harry swam into focus. His eyebrows were furrowed. He looked worried.

 

“You’re breathing too fast. Deep, even breaths. You can do it.”

 

Harry was quiet, and he waited for Louis to calm down before he helped him sit, plopping down beside him.

 

“Can I hold your hand?” Harry asked, after a moment of silence.

 

Louis nodded, and Harry laced their fingers together.

 

“I didn’t mean to make you upset. I’m sorry.”

 

Louis closed his eyes again, sighing deeply.

 

“It’s not your fault, Harry.”

 

Harry shook his head.

 

“I know you like to be asked. I should have known better. It _is_ my fault.”

 

This time Louis laughed, shaking his head. He clenched his other hand shut, his fist trembling.

 

“No Harry.” Louis whispered, “It really isn’t.”

 

The curly headed boy looked over at him, frowning in confusion. He didn’t understand.

 

“It’s a problem with me. It’s my fault, not yours. Don’t blame yourself because I’m messed up.”

 

Harry shook his head, about to argue when Louis opened his eyes. They were wet. Louis’ bottom lip trembled, before he suddenly moved to stand up, pulling his hand out of Harry’s grasp.

 

“You know, I really did come in here to pee before you distracted me.” Louis said, with fake cheer.

 

Harry let the topic go. For now.

 

“Sorry. I’ll head back over to the boys.”

 

Louis nodded, turning around and listening to Harry leave. The moment the door shut, Louis slammed his palms against the wall angrily, before leaning his forehead between them.

 

“What is wrong with me? What the _hell_ is wrong with me?” he whispered, breath hitching with unshed tears.

 

Why couldn’t he get over this? That man hadn’t asked, and took he wanted, but that was ages ago. Why did he still shake and tremble. Why couldn’t he just forget about it?

 

He didn’t even fully remember that night, so why was it so hard to just not feel?

 

Why?

 

He bit his lip.

 

He would not cry. He would _not_ cry.

 

The restroom door opened again.

 

“Oh.”

 

Louis looked up to see Nick standing there. Nick leaned back out the room, glancing back and forth before shutting the door and locking it. He stared at Louis who stared back.

 

“Need a medic?” he asked.

 

“No.” Louis responded, taking a deep breath and moving from the wall.

 

“You alright then?”

 

Louis didn’t answer, instead moving to the sink, turning the water on and washing his face. Nick grabbed some paper towels, handing them to Louis when he was done, nodding at the muffled thanks.

 

“So…a little birdie said you wanted a chat.”

 

Louis tossed the moist paper into a bin before turning to face Nick.

 

“You want to have said chat in the loo?” Louis asked, voice raspy.

 

“Figure we might as well. It’ll give you time to put your game face back on. You look a right mess right now, to be honest.”

 

Louis laughed depreciatingly. “I am.” he replied.

 

“Aren’t we all. So…chat?”

 

“Did you…plan our interview.”

 

Nick raised his eyebrows. “I almost always do. I mean, it’s my job.”

 

“That’s not what I mean…did-

 

“Did I get you in a slightly pissy mood to get the rough parts over it is what you meant, right?” Nick interrupted with a smirk.

 

Louis’ jaw snapped shut, and he stared, before nodding slowly.

 

“Yup. You looked like you were gonna faint, and while I am all about the drama, you’re preggers and something like that is exactly what I don’t need in my life. I spoke to your boys as well. They were kind of in on it.”

 

Louis blinked.

 

“They warned me off you like a group of concerned boyfriends. I’d be annoyed if it weren’t so sweet. Teeth nearly rotted out me mouth.”

 

Louis blinked again.

 

“Earth to Louis?”

 

“Thank you.” Louis said suddenly.

 

“A simple clash in personality isn’t enough for me to mock what you’re going through. Whatever we’ve got against each other isn’t nearly on that level.” Nick muttered, reaching his hand up to clean his nails.

 

Louis just stared.

 

“Oh, don’t give me that look. I can’t have you thinking I’m a nice person, Mr. Tomlinson.”

 

Louis snapped out of it.

 

“I wouldn’t dream of it, Mr. Grimshaw.” he answered, with a soft smile.

 

“I’ve got to head off, places to go, people to see. I’m a busy man. Hard to be so liked by so many.”

 

Louis rolled his eyes. “Don’t let me stop you.”

 

“Of course not. We should chat again sometimes, over drinks. Apple juice for you though, I’m afraid.”

 

Louis gaped, but Nick didn’t give him a chance to respond, adding, “And don’t worry. It’s not a come on. Even I don’t have the gall to get between you and your darling young Harold. Ta.”

 

He unlocked the bathroom door and walked out with a wave, leaving Louis stunned.

 

.

.

.

 

 

The crowd outside was ridiculous, but Louis still wanted to go. Just for a few minutes.

 

“We’re not gonna stay long boys.” Paul said, giving them a run down of staying close and keeping a look out and all that, before they pushed the doors open.

 

A wall of screams slammed down on Louis from all sides, and he flinched, before taking a deep breath and heading out. Already, he could tell that they’d added a ton of new security to their team. There were men pressing with all their strength against the barricades, but they looked like they could handle it. Louis felt relatively safe.

 

He ventured out further, before approaching a the beginning of the massive lines around him. People were screaming incoherently, and Louis just smiled.

 

“Hi loves!” he yelled, reaching out and touching hands, grabbing pieces of paper and notebooks.

 

He scribbled his signature quickly, posing for as many pictures as he could before somebody pushed him further down the barricade.

 

“Can you show off your tummy!” someone yelled, and Louis turned to see some paparazzi snapping pictures. He rolled his eyes, focusing on the fans.

 

“C’mon Louis, give us a peak!”

 

“Go away!” Louis yelled in response, signing the back of a girl’s phonecase.

 

“Show it off-

 

“He said no.” said Niall, glaring at the group, and the crowd went wild, because Niall being protective had to be something amazing for them to witness.

 

Louis smiled, about to holler a thanks to Niall when something smacked him in the face. He just managed to catch it as it fell before he was literally yanked off his feet by Harry, pulled away from the crowd while security yelled something about no throwing things. Louis’ head spun a but as he was placed back on his feet, Harry and the rest of the boys immediately in front of him bombarding him with questions. Louis blinked, glancing down at whatever was in his hands, which was…a light green onesie. It was tiny…a tiny onesie.

 

Louis looked up at the crowd. He shoved past the boys, holding it up.

 

“Who made this!” he asked loudly, trying to get everyone’s attention.

 

He couldn’t hear over the screams, but there was a commotion to his left, and a group of girls managed to shove another one up to the front of the barricade.

 

“I did!” the young teen shouted, and Louis walked over, flanked by security and the boys.

 

“You made this for…” he trailed off, placing his hand against his stomach.

 

“Yea! I’m sorry I threw it! I didn’t mean to frighten you, honestly, I just wanted you to get it, and I was too far back, and the chance of me getting this close to you again would never happen, please don’t be upset!”

 

“No, no…” Louis trailed off again, running his hands over the soft material.

 

“Do you…do you like it?” the girl asked, with wide eyes.

 

He looked at her. “It’s lovely. Thank you.”

 

He looked over at Paul, handing over his phone.

 

“Can you take a picture of us please?” he asked, and they managed to lift the girl over the barricade so she could pose with Louis. They both smiled, Louis holding up the tiny garment as Paul snapped the picture.

 

“What’s your twitter?” Louis asked, and the girl entered it with shaking hands.

 

“Thanks love. Check twitter later, alright?” he managed to get out, before Paul was carefully pulling him away. He sent her one last wave, and they were back inside. Louis spent the entire car ride back to the hotel running his hands along the patterns on the tiny garment.

 

He hadn’t expected this at all. He didn’t know how he felt about it, but for once, it was rather pleasant.

 

He made sure to upload the picture he took with that lovely fan, and smiled as she freaked out at the picture and the follow.

.

.

.

 

The next few weeks were an absolute whirlwind of activity that had Louis dazed. He found himself swept from one place to another, from interview to photo-shoots.

 

His baby bump had grown a bit during. It was more noticeable. He’d gotten a few new aches and pains, some pretty crappy backaches and heartburn that set him in the WORST of moods. His appetite was ridiculous, to the point that he kept on par with Niall at times, but whatever. Luckily, his weight gain wasn’t too drastic. Nobody wanted a fat Louis.

 

Then there was him and Harry…

 

He and Harry were…strange.

 

They hadn’t kissed again. He hadn’t even touched Louis. At all. Not after that time in the bathroom. Louis didn’t know how he felt about that. Well, he didn’t really know how he felt about anything.

 

But Harry was always watching him. Louis constantly caught his gaze, and they’d stare for a moment or two before looking away, well…until Louis looked away. But Harry…Harry was always…watching…observing…

 

Louis blinked out of his reverie as he sat in a tiny boutique. Lou was sat next to him, on the phone with Tom.

 

There were at Tate Corbin’s place, the same man who had designed some of the clothes Louis was wearing. His flat was above his store. Lou ended the call and grabbed Louis’ hand reassuringly.

 

“Don’t be nervous darling. I told you we’d met before. And we need a nice outfit for your performance.”

 

They were appearing on a morning show, and were going to sing a few songs from the new album.

 

It wasn’t that he was…nervous…well, he was, especially around men he didn’t know, and this man would probably have to touch him to get better measurements.

 

 

The stairs creaked as a man descended from them, and a tall slim man with bright grey eyes and black hair pulled into a bun appeared. He smiled, waving at the two, before he walked past them and grabbed his phone. He typed into it, showing them the screen.

 

‘Hello. I’m Tate. It’s a pleasure. Cuppa before we start?’

 

Louis blinked.

 

“Oh, sorry love, forgot to mention, he’s mute.”

 

Louis looked at Tate again, who shrugged with a soft smile. Louis shook himself out of his daze, trying to relax.

 

“Um, that’s…fine. I wouldn’t mind tea.” he said quietly.

 

Tate nodded, walking back out of the room. He came back a few minutes later with a tray containing a steaming mug, various flavored teas, cream, and sugar.

 

“Oh, thank yo.” Louis said, as the tray was set down on a table. He fixed his cup while Lou and Tate ruffled through various fabrics.

 

“You’ve already started something. Lovely.” Lou mumbled, and carefully sipped at his drink.

 

He observed the man, watching him work with Lou, typing things on his phone, lean fingers sorting fabrics with expertise. Lou managed just fine without his words to prompt her along, and it was amazing to witness.

 

“Yea I think that would work nicely.”

 

Louis decided to speak up.

 

“Um, are you going to measure me?”

 

They both looked over and Tate shook his head no, gesturing to Lou, who smiled.

 

“No, I just wanted you and him to meet. Put a face to all the lovely things you were getting.”

 

“Oh.” Louis said, barely containing a sigh of relief.

 

Tate seemed like a lovely guy, really, and he appreciated this man taking so much of his time to provide Louis with nice clothes but…he didn’t want to be touched by a man he hardly knew.

 

Louis blinked as a phone screen was held up in front of his face.

 

‘Plus, I’m good at what I do. I can tell your measurements by glance.’

 

“Oh.” Louis whispered, and couldn’t help but blush as Tate sent a smile and wink his way.

 

Louis continued to watch, before he glanced at his phone. About an hour had passed.

 

“Do I have to stay then? I mean, I don’t think you guys need me for anything.”

 

Tate looked up with a frown, typing, ‘You don’t want to see what we have?’

 

Louis bit his lip. “Uh…I didn’t think my opinion matter to be honest. I just wear what you guys give me now, since you’re working a lot harder to get me things.”

 

Tate’s frown deepened, and he stood up from where he was kneeling around fabric, pulling up a chair to sit across from Louis.

 

‘You didn’t like what I’ve sent you so far?’ he asked.

 

Louis read the text and quickly backfired.

 

“No no, they’re great, really. It’s just that me being um…like this,” he gestured to his baby bump with one hand, holding his mug with the other, “has people working triple time. I used to pick and choose a lot of my stuff but now-

 

“Louis.” Lou chastised, from where she was seated. “I told you not to worry about that.”

 

Louis sighed. “I know…sorry.”

 

Tate typed for a moment, before showing it to Louis. ‘I like to make clothes that people like. And I’ve decided to work personally with you and Lou, so you always look your best, when the people all over are wishing for your worst. Don’t be afraid to tell me if you don’t like something I make for you. Your opinion always matters.’

 

Louis bit his lip again. “Thanks. I guess I’ll stay then.” he whispered, and Tate smiled.

.

.

.

 

“I want you to touch me.”

 

Harry froze from reaching for a bowl in the kitchen of their new hotel suite. He turned to see Louis standing at the edge of it, his toes millimeters from where carpet met tile.

 

“What?” asked Harry.

 

“It’s been three weeks Harry. You haven’t touched me since the day we had interview with Nick.”

 

Harry didn’t say anything, turning back and grabbing a bowl, filling it with cereal.

 

“Look at me please.”

 

Harry did.

 

“I said you had to ask. That’s it. I never said you couldn’t…touch me. Are you upset you have to ask? Is it too weird.”

 

Harry frowned.

 

“No, no Louis it’s-

 

“Then what is it?”

 

Harry sighed softly, staring down at his bare feet.

 

“You sleep on the edge of the bed. And you don’t…give me hugs anymore. And if we pass each other in a hallway it’s like you flatten yourself against the wall so you don’t touch me.”

 

Harry continued to stare at his feet.

 

“You’re supposed to be my friend.”

 

This time, Harry met Louis’ eyes.

 

“And friends touch each other.”

 

They both blushed at that.

 

“So why won’t you touch me?” Louis asked again.

 

“Sometimes you seem so afraid, Lou. I’ll ask, I’ll always ask, that last time was a mistake, but…I don’t want you to feel obligated to say yes, because we’re friends. So-

 

“So what, you’ll never touch me again? Because I’m messed up?”

 

Harry blanched. “What? No-

 

“Touch me.”

 

“Louis-

 

“I want you to touch me Harry.

 

He couldn’t live his life like this. Always afraid. He had to move on. It was that simple. Just move on. Harry could touch him. He trusted Harry. It was his stupid head that was messed up, and it was stupid because Harry wasn’t _him_.

 

“Please?” Louis whispered, and Harry walked forward.

 

The taller boy reached forward, cupping Louis cheeks in his. He trailed his fingers down, tickling Louis arm hairs before reaching under Louis shirt. Louis’ breath hitched as Harry placed one hand on Louis’ bare back, and the other, pressed flat against Louis’ stomach. Louis’ hands twitched at his sides. Harry stared directly into his eyes the entire time, running his hand in a small circle, thumb grazing Louis’ slightly protruding bellybutton, before pulling back.

 

Louis let out a shaky breath.

 

“I’ll always say yes or no. Even if I look…afraid. Even though I don’t…I don’t know what’s going on between us…what exactly we are. I’ll tell you yes, or no. So please don’t leave me alone. You promised you wouldn’t leave me alone.” he whispered, staring up at Harry.

 

Harry bit his lip, before asking, “Can I hug you?”

 

“Yes.” Louis replied, without hesitation, and Harry embraced him, mindful of Louis’ stomach.

 

“I’m sorry…” he muttered, and Louis wrapped his arms around Harry as well. “God I’m so sorry Lou.”

 

“It’s okay.”

 

Harry was holding him again.

 

It really was okay.

.

.

.

 

This was what Louis was used to. No matter what type of madness was happening in his life, at this point in it, this was a constant.

 

He sang along with the others, blending in with the harmonies, switching to melody, even feeling bold enough to change a lyric to something absolutely stupid.

 

But he felt at home here, on stage.

 

The small crowd of girls allowed in the news studio with them sang along, and Louis smiled at them, getting some screams. Harry lifted up his shirt for a split second, and one girl nearly fell off her chair, that sent Niall into a bit of raucous laughter, heard over all of their voices. Louis snorted, and they definitely heard that too.

 

Tate had done a great job with the suit jacket. He’d managed to make it form fitting but not too revealing of his stomach, and of a very comfy material. He and Lou had obviously collaborated, as he and the other boys all had something of a similar color scheme, which was pretty old school of them but the fans still seemed to like it. He’d rolled up his jeans, showing off his ankle tattoos, and some vans.

 

Louis’ solo was coming up, and he looked around at the other boys, Liam sending him a wink.

 

He opened his mouth to sing, when he felt it. Something…what…a tiny something, he couldn’t describe it. Louis didn’t realized he’d stopped singing until Harry appeared in front of him.

 

“Louis, can you hear me? Your holding your stomach, are you in pain? Lou!”

 

Louis blinked, looking around to see that, oh…the music had stopped, and everyone was staring at him with concern, even the camera men from where they were seated.

 

“I…I think I felt it move. The baby.”

 

“What!?” Niall shouted, before dropping to his knees, placing his hands on Louis’ stomach.

 

“Niall!” Louis screeched, and Louis yelped as he was suddenly lifted onto a stool by Liam who stayed pressed against Louis back so Louis he wouldn’t tip over.

 

“Niall, get up you idiot. I don’t even know I that was it…maybe it was just gas.”

 

A wave of giggles erupted through the crowd and Louis realized his mic was still on. He blushed.

 

“Oh, shi-sugar.” he said, and the crowd laughed again.

 

“You sure you’re alright mate?” Zayn asked, and the girls ‘awed’.

 

“Yea, I’ll call my doctor later. Guys, I’m really okay. Honest.”

 

He smiled up at Harry, who breathed a sigh of relief.

 

The female news anchor made her way onto the stage.

 

“I think that actually was your baby love. I’d thought it was gas too, with my first child.”

 

Louis blinked. So…that really could have been…that tiny flutter…there really was something in him, wasn’t there?

 

He’d just felt his baby move. Why couldn’t he tell if he was happy or not?

 

Again, he found himself pushing whatever he felt, that darkness, further back into his mind.

 

“Sorry for the interruption. We can still sing, right?”

 

“Of course!”

 

The lady made her way off the stage and they restarted the song.

 

“Boys, really, you’re going to stand here the whole time?” Louis asked.

 

“Hell yea. I’m gonna sing to the little fart.” Niall replied, and this time, Louis couldn’t help but laugh.

.

.

.

 

Turned out, it really was the baby.

.

.

.

Show over and done with, the boys were finally back at their hotel for the night. They were exhausted.

 

“Have you felt anything else?” Harry asked, from where Louis was seated atop the kitchen counter.

 

Louis shook his head.

 

“Harry, hurry with the popcorn mate!” Niall whined from the living room area.

 

“Hush.” Harry shot back, loading another bag into the microwave.

 

Zayn walked into the kitchen, grabbing a can of soda from the fridge.

 

“What are we watching?” asked Louis.

 

“The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.” Zayn replied, opening the can and taking a sip.

 

“Which one? I heard there were a couple of those made.” Liam chimed in, and Zayn nodded.

 

“The one with Daniel Craig, the latest James Bond guy.” answered Liam, walking out of the kitchen and dropping down onto the carpet.

 

“Oh, the one with Rooney Mara. I heard her tits are great in this.”

 

“Honestly, Niall?” Louis laughed, and Niall grinned at him.

 

“Whatever Louis. Not everyone is Harry-sexual like you.” Niall said, the later part of his reply a whisper.

 

Zayn choked on his soda.

 

“What was that?” asked Louis.

 

“Nothing!” Liam and Zayn yelled simultaneously.

 

Louis pouted, the sound of Harry taking the popcorn out of the microwave distracting him.

 

“That’s what, five bags now? Think that’ll be enough.” Harry muttered, adding it to numerous bowls.

 

Louis slid off of the counter grabbing one of the bowls, seating himself on the sofa. Harry handed Niall a bowl, and Zayn and Liam another before dropping down next to Louis.

 

“Careful.” Louis giggled, nearly dropping the bowl. “Giant.” He muttered, and Harry grabbed a popcorn, tossing it at him.

 

“Can we not?” Liam asked, trying to avoid a food fight.

 

“Fine.” Louis and Harry replied.

 

“Is this good?” Niall asked, as Zayn grabbed the remote.

 

“I read the book. I liked it. And this got good reviews so…”

 

Zayn pressed play.

.

.

.

 

The movie started of intriguing. And then it got very bad, very quickly.

 

Louis lost his appetite for the popcorn the moment Rooney’s character, Lisbeth, was made to…give oral sex to her legal guardian.

 

That was…not okay. Definitely not okay.

 

Harry reached into the popcorn bowl, touching Louis’ hand who yanked it out at the sudden contact.

 

Harry looked over at Louis, confused.

 

“Sorry. Frightened me.” Louis managed to get out, hoping the smile he sent was reassuring enough.

 

It must have been, as Harry nodded and gave rapt attention to the screen. Louis clenched his fist. Honestly, it was just a movie.

 

It was just a stupid movie. It wasn’t real, and the past was in the past.

 

Get over it.

 

Louis forced himself to relax as well as he could. He didn’t want to draw attention to himself. And he did fine.

 

He did great.

 

He did wonderfully.

 

Until Lisbeth’s character was tasered, and woke up tied to a bed, and gagged, her bottom garments removed. The man…climbed on top of her…and she fought, and screamed in pain and…she screamed and cried and…he fought, and screamed in pain and…he screamed and cried and…she screamed and…he screamed and…

 

Louis needed to…he had to…he needed to…

 

“Gonna pee.” he muttered, and the boys nodded absentmindedly, staring stunned at the screen.

 

Louis shut the bedroom door behind him, and the room tilted. He gasped, staggering around the room. He managed to grab his phone, something told him he would need it, before he stumbled to the bathroom, trying to make as little noise as possible. He shut the bathroom door as well.

 

The lights dimmed, and he couldn’t hear properly, he…

 

He blinked, rapidly, trying to right himself, grabbing on to the bathroom counter, staring into the mirror.

 

His phone clattered to the floor.

 

She screamed, as he forced his way on top of her, and into her, he screamed, and he forced himself on top of him, and into him, it hurts…it hurts…

 

Something in Louis’ head seemed to click, and…

 

_“Oh, this one is beautiful. You’re so beautiful. You’re that guy from One Direction right. Louis. I’ve always had a crush on you.”_

_Dizzy…why is he do dizzy? He’s going to be sick…_

_“Oh, don’t cry Tommo, it’s alright, I’ve got you, shh. You need to be quiet.”_

_Who needs to be quiet? Who is Tommo? Why is he so dizzy?_

_He can’t understand what’s happening. Someone is touching him. Stop. You’re not supposed to touch him there. Please stop._

_Something is in his mouth. What is in his mouth? Why can’t he spit it out? He can’t breathe, he can’t breathe, he can’t…he can breathe again, he can-_

_“Gosh, you’re a fighter. I didn’t expect that. Look at you go? You’re amazing Tommo. Your mouth is amazing too. Thank you. But you’re fighting too much for me, and you’re making too much noise. I love a fighter, and I definitely love a screamer, but we’re around company. We don’t want anyone to hear us, right? This is private.”_

_Thank goodness he can breathe again. His eyes are so heavy. Why can’t he open them? Wait…why can’t he move?_

_“You’re body is beautiful. You taste amazing, Tommo. You’re quickly becoming a favorite.”_

_He keeps zoning out…why? Where is he? Why can’t he move? Why can’t he see? Who…who is touching him. Something wet touches his neck, his chest, his stomach, his thighs…_

_“Oh, it looks like you’re back with me, huh Tommo? This is the best part? This is where the magic happens? Are you ready?”_

_Ready? For what?_

_The pain is so intense he feels it everywhere, what is this and why does it hurt so much. WHY DOES IT HURT SO MUCH, he’s tearing in two, he can’t breathe, stop it stop it stop it, this hurts t hurts, oh God it hurts please, please stop, no, stop it HURTS IT HURTS, someone is screaming, it must be him, it has to be him, because this hurts a lot and he wants it to stop, please stop, stop, he can here something slick, something wet, slapping, constantly, someone is moaning, but it’s not him, he is, he is screaming, he is crying, his throat hurts, his everything hurts, it hurts to much, and it’s NOT STOPPING, WHY WON’T IT STOP, it has to stop, it HAS to, he’s going to die, he’s dying, it hurts to much, he has to be dying-_

_“So beautiful. So good, God Tommo  you’re so tight, you’re amazing, I can’t believe how lucky I am…_

_But why does it hurt so much?_

_Why does he hurt so much?_

Louis was ripped out of wherever he had gone just as harshly as he was sucked into it. Suddenly he was on all fours, and he was throwing up, and he can’t stop, _he_ didn’t stop, Louis had said no, Louis had begged, he had begged and that man hadn’t stopped, wouldn’t stop, loved every second of Louis’ pain, just like her, in the movie, just like him, there were hands on him, he could feel _his_ breath panting in  his ear, throwing up again, is he crying, he is, he is crying, he can’t breathe, he needs help, he has to get help, but how, when he can’t stop puking, he feels _him_ still, all over him, in him, still moving in him, thrusting in him, grunting and groaning against him, stop, no, _he_ won’t listen, _he_ never listened, _he_ didn’t care…

 

Louis hands slid on the vomit and he collapsed onto his side, shaking uncontrollably.

 

The world titled again, before fading out. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: graphic depictions of non-con. I tried to tone it down, but I don't know what's enough to trigger someone, so please be careful.
> 
> Also, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo movie spoilers, eek. 
> 
> Again, I’m sorry for how long this took. It was rough…
> 
> I don’t know what else I can say after writing something so horrible.
> 
>  
> 
> I love you guys.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was so hard. I hope you enjoy it. I’m really sorry for the wait. My head is a bit messed up and I’m trying to keep it together.
> 
>  
> 
> Love you guys with my everything. <3

The first thing Louis noticed when he woke up was the smell. Something smelled terrible.

 

Terrible enough to make him gag.

 

He shifted slightly, only to slide on something wet. He was soaking wet.

 

He shouldn’t be wet.

 

He could feel a cool damp settled between his legs, and he slowly maneuvered his arm to feel his pants. They were wet.

 

He was wet.

 

He was wet all over.

 

He was wet _between his legs_.

 

Forcing his eyes open, he blinked at the bright white light in the bathroom.

 

Bathroom…he was in the bathroom.

 

He attempted to move further, but his limbs were too heavy. He was so tired.

 

Louis rolled slightly, listening to the sickly sound of his shirt peeling off the bathroom tile, the squelch of the liquid soft fabric just as nauseating as the smell of whatever this was.

 

_Move_ , Louis.

 

He needed to move. He needed to figure out what happened. He didn’t like waking up confused, like that night-

 

That-

 

Little images filtered about in his memory. Movie…they’d been watching a movie, the boys were here. They were still here, and they were watching a movie, so why was he waking up soaked on the floor of the bathroom?

 

He opened his eyes again, looking down at his shirt. Oh…it was vomit. He was covered in vomit. It was all over him, his arms, his face, his hair…

 

Louis swallowed thickly, before slowly moving his arm to check his pants, feeling around and searching for anything the slightest red color, because then he’d have no choice but to call one of the boys for help and he just, he couldn’t, if they had to see him like this…

 

He let that thought slip form his mind temporarily when he realized there was no blood, so it could only be one other thing, and that was pee.

 

He was literally covered in his own filth.

 

Louis finally managed to force himself into a seated position, leaning against the bottom bathroom cabinet; taking small breaths because the entire bathroom smelled like piss and bile but needing big breaths because he felt like he was going to pass out again.

 

Outside the room in one of his jeans pockets was the card from Dr. Omar.  He could crawl out of the bathroom, get pee and vomit all over the carpet of the room, and risk one of the boys coming to check on him if he hadn’t locked the door and seeing him in this state, or he could grab his phone from where it lay thankfully dry and call his mum.

 

Who was over three hours away. Would he really sit in this mess for three plus hours?

 

Louis moved to press his hands against his face but stopped short at the trying liquid coating them. He stared at his fingers, wiggling them slowly. They trembled at the effort. He let them flop back to the ground, leaning his back, trying to think.

 

Trying to remain calm. His phone vibrated from where it lay on the tile, startling him. Louis looked down at his dirty hands again, realizing that he’d have to make a few compromises to figure his way out of this situation. One of them would be touching his phone with bile sticky hands. He reached, stretching as far as he could without having to rest his hands on the filthy ground, fingertips grazing the edge of the device. He managed to move it slightly in his direction, the phone sticking to his fingers.

 

He carefully picked it up, trying to keep it as clean as possible.  It was a text.

 

-u ok? You’ve been in there for a while-Harry

 

Louis bit his lip, before replying with trembling hands.

 

-I’m fine xoxo-Louis

 

After, he made a quick decision, forcing himself to call for outside help. The phone rang for a bit, and Louis’ heart dropped.

 

He desperately hoped that she’d pick up, please, please, please pick up. A familiar voice answered, and a small breath of relief escaped him.

 

‘Hey Louis!’

 

“El.” Louis croaked. His voice was wrecked.

 

‘What do you need?’ Eleanor asked, almost immediately.

 

Louis could have cried.

 

“I’m sitting on the bathroom floor. There’s puke everyhere and I think I peed myself.” Louis whispered, trying to what was left of his voice even.

 

‘Where are you?’ she asked, and he could hear her shuffling, getting ready.

 

He loved her so much.

 

“I’m at the hotel, but I can’t remember what it’s called. I’m so tired El, and I feel gross and I can’t get up.” he mumbled, closing his eyes and taking small rapid breaths.

 

‘Don’t stress about it love. I’ll call Paul for the details, alright? And I’m gonna call Danielle to come with. Is that okay?” she asked, and he could hear the worry in her voice.

 

“Okay.” he replied, trying to keep focused but he was fading fast, starting to hear whispers and feel touches that did not belong.

 

He flinched, almost dropping the phone. Louis could literally feel himself being sucked back and forth between past and present, and it’d be pretty cool if it weren’t to such a horrible place filled with nothing but pain and screams and the ruination of his entire being.

 

Touches, small and fleeting, trailed across his cheeks and down his chest, touching his genitals, unwanted and dirty, not real but still happening.

 

The stench of the room brought him back for a moment, along with the sound of Eleanor yelling herself hoarse from her end of the phone.

 

‘-eathe, Louis, breathe!’ she cried.

 

He was trying, but he couldn’t shake the thoughts from his mind. These images and memories were like claws, sunk into him and would never leave, and the touching, the whispers, how could he breathe when that man’s breath was in his face, hot and strained with the sound of his pants and moans, grunting rhythmically, his pleasure riding Louis’ pain, so tight, God you’re so tight Tommo, baby-

 

He dropped the phone.

.

.

.

When Danielle had been in school, her gym teachers had always come up to her, recommending her for the track team. Coaches constantly tried to recruit her, but dance was her thing, and she’d never really seen what they had seen in her until this moment.

 

 

She couldn’t remember a time when she’d been this terrified, this desperate to get from one place to another, to someone who truly needed her help and support like this.

 

Eleanor was frantic on the other line as Danielle nearly flew down the hallway, heels in her hands and sneakers barely laced on her feet.

 

‘I think he passed out! I’ve kept calling him and he won’t answer!’ Eleanor sobbed, and Danielle barely managed to side-step a person entering the rehearsal studio, shoving past them through the door. Eleanor was seated in her car, and Danielle all but dove in.

 

“Did you text any of the boys?” she gasped out, and Eleanor shook her head, dropping her phone into the cup holder.

 

“No, I know him. He doesn’t want the boys to see him like this.” Eleanor sniffled, wiping her eyes with her sleeve as she pulled back into traffic.

 

“Screw that. Do we have that choice anymore. He’s pregnant El, and you said he passed out in his own filth. What happened?” Danielle asked, eyes filling with tears as well.

 

“I don’t know, Dani. I-I literally don’t know.”

 

“We have to tell the boys. He can’t stay like this. We’re a half hour away.” said Danielle, grabbing her phone.

 

Eleanor bit her lip with resolve, when her phone vibrated. Danielle picked it up and nearly screamed, “It’s him! He’s calling you back!”

 

She answered it and the call hooked up to the car speakers.

.

.

.

 

Louis swayed slightly from where he sat, eyes blinking and fluttering dazedly. He slowly picked up his phone from where it’s slid from his grip and into his lap, and saw multiple missed calls.

 

He redialed, and Eleanor immediately answered.

 

“Louis!” she yelled.

 

“Mm.” he mumbled iin response, words failing him as his mind struggled to right itself.

 

“Love, we’re on our way. I’m driving and Dani s with me. Please stay calm.” Eleanor said, trying to follow her own advice.

 

“You need to breathe a little slower babe. Try to catch your breath.” Danielle chimed in.

 

Louis moaned. “It stinks.” he whined softly, before he frowned. “Don’t tell Harry.” he mumbled, the words coming out slurred.

 

“I think that maybe you should. You need help-

 

“None of the boys. Please. They can’t see me like this. Please.” he pleaded, a little strength returning at the prospect of his boys seeing him in this state.

 

“Then stay on the line. Talk to us. Tell us how you feel. It’s only another twenty-five minutes love, but you need to stay with us or we’ll have no choice. Your health is more important.”

 

So Louis did, and he did his best, muttering fragments of his thoughts and trying to get a sense of how he felt besides horrible and kind of wanting to die. Unfortunately, his brain to mouth filter was still skewed from whatever was happening to him, and he voiced those darker thoughts as well.

 

The girls cried from the other line.

.

.

.

 

They made it to secure guest parking. “We’re on our way up. We’ll be right there.” Eleanor said, before shakily ending the call and speed walking with Danielle to where Paul was waiting.

 

They mumbled false reassurances when Paul saw their reddened eyes and led them up to Harry and Louis’ room.

 

Right before they knocked, Paul stopped them.

 

“Is this something serious ladies? Is it Louis?”

 

They looked at each other, before Eleanor answered, “We-it might be. Stay nearby, alright?”

 

He nodded, face grim, before walking to the end of the hallway. Danielle knocked.

.

.

.

 

The boys all looked toward the door.

 

“I’ll get it.” Harry muttered, getting up and answering the door. The moment he caught sight of Eleanor and Danielle, he paled, making an immediate beeline to the room.

 

“He told me he was fine.” Harry said, and Eleanor rushed after him, grabbing his arm.

 

“Harry, Harry wait, please.”

 

He stopped, glaring down at her.

 

“He asked for us only.”

 

His anger turned to hurt, and Eleanor backpedaled. “He’s just…he needs a moment. And if we need help, I swear I’ll come get you, okay? But you know how he has this thing were he wants you to listen to him? To respect his wishes? This is really once of those times, alright?”

 

Harry clenched his fist, nervous energy filling him. He needed to get to Louis. But she was right. Eleanor saw that her words had hit home, and she nodded to the other boys, who were all standing, ready to barge in.

 

While Eleanor spoke to the boys, Danielle happened to glance at the screen at the paused movie. She recognized Lisbeth Salander.

 

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.

 

Her eyes widened, and it clicked. She paled, running down the hall to the door, finding it locked.

 

“Damn it!” she yelled, drawing everyone’s attention to her. They all ran to the door.

 

“Dani-

 

“The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. They were watching it.”

 

Eleanor frowned, not comprehending.

 

“What happens to her in that movie?” Danielle whispered, twisting the doorknob.

 

“Oh-oh my God.”

 

“Here!” Niall shouted, pushing past them with a keycard in hand. He slid it through the door, managing to unlock it.

 

“Thank you.” Eleanor gasped, rushing in.

 

Danielle stopped the boys at the door. “Give us some time. Please, guys.”

 

She plucked the card from Niall’s hand and shut the door to the bedroom softly. Eleanor was leaning against the door to the bathroom.

 

“Louis?” she called again, finally receiving a muffled answer.

 

She turned to Danielle who was nearly shaking. “He locked this door too. Can you do what Niall did?”

 

Danielle nodded, repeating what Niall did moments earlier, hearing a satisfying click and feeling the door budge.

 

“Louis, we’re coming in.”

 

With one last quick glance at each other, the girls pushed open the door and were immediately assaulted by the acrid smell, and the sight of Louis sitting helplessly in the middle of it.

 

“Oh Lou…” Eleanor gasped, the two lightly maneuvering around the dirty areas.

 

“Hey.” Louis answered self-deprecatingly, and Danielle’s eyes watered.

 

“None of that, alright?” she said softly, grabbing a towel from the rack and running the bath water. “We’ll get you cleaned up. We’ve all had our days.”

 

Louis snorted, staring down at his lap, wondering how he could possibly feel any lower while literally feeling nothing at all.

 

He felt nothing. Absolutely nothing, but there was a strange sunken sensation deep within him and he figured he had enough sense that he was the actual scum of the earth, to be uselessly sitting in a situation like this.

 

He startled at the feel of something cold, and looked up to see both girls wiping his face and arms clean of the mess.

 

“You back love?” Eleanor asked, and Louis shrugged, unaware he had even ‘left’.

 

“Do you remember what brought this on? Whatever this was?” Danielle inquired, walking over to rinse the towel before coming back.

 

“A movie I think. It’s, it’s really blurry.”

 

Danielle looked up at Eleanor for a second. “I, I think I might know.”

 

Louis’ eyes met hers.

 

“You all were watching The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. There’s a, erm, graphic sexual assault scene.”

 

Louis blinked, before he jerked as remembrance slammed into him suddenly, sitting with the boys, here tied up, him violating her, her screaming, screaming, screaming, him screaming, screaming, screaming-

 

-“by, baby, shh, look at me, hey-

 

Louis blinked again, rapidly as light tremors shook through his body.

 

Danielle was holding his face between her hands and Eleanor had both his hands, forcing herself to endure his vice grip.

 

“S-s-sorry.” Louis bit out, gasping, and Danielle shook her,head, smoothing his dirty hair back.

 

“It’s alright. It’s fine. We’ll put that behind us right now. Let’s just focus on cleaning up, alright?”

 

He nodded shakily, mind still bouncing back and forth between her screams and his, blending them together, loud and raw, cracked and broken, no no no no no-

 

Something cold ran over his hands, and he blinked back to the present again, noticing that the sink was running and his hands were beneath the spray of water.

 

He was standing.

 

Standing?

 

He saw himself in the mirror, and Danielle was behind him, arms wrapped around his torso, somehow managing to hold him up.

 

“But I’m heavy.” he croaked out, his hands going numb under the cold water, like the rest of him.

 

“Nice to see you back, babe. And don’t worry. I’ve got you.”

 

He didn’t see El, but she appeared a second later, a tall glass of water in her hand and a phone to her ear.

 

“Yea, it worked, thanks Jay.” she said, and Louis looked over at her, eying the glass of water.

 

He was, wow, he was really freaking thirsty. He took one of his hands out of the water, reaching for the glass which Eleanor gently placed in his hands, and in moments it was done, and he wanted more, filling it up in the sink and finishing that one too.

 

“Oh my God.” he gasped out, knees shaking harder.

 

“C’mon, to the tub.” Danielle whispered, and they both staggered over, Louis just managing to gently sit himself into the warm water.

 

“There you go.” Danielle whispered, while Eleanor walked back out, rummaging through a suitcase from what he could here.

 

“Who is she talking to?” Louis asked, sinking a bit into the warmth, immediately feeling better and more awake.

 

“Your mum and Dr. Minnie.”

 

Louis frowned.

 

“Dr. Minnie wants you to visit in the morning, well, she’d rather now, as you woke up on the floor and we don’t know how hard you fell-

 

“I was on the floor before I um, conked out. I mad sure I didn’t fall hard.”

 

Danielle nodded. “Okay, I’ll tell her that, and she says you’re probably a bit dehydrated, hence, the water.”

 

He nodded. “My mouth is vile though.”

 

“One thing at a time, love. Now off with your clothes.”

 

Louis frowned again, this time nervously. His stomach was for him to see and him alone. It was his burden to stare at. His mistake.

 

 

They deserved better.

 

“Louis darling. We’ve known everything since the beginning. We’ve tried our best to be there. We won’t judge.”

 

Finally, _finally_ , he carefully hefted the shirt over his head, tossing it in a corner. His pants came next, and he struggled with those for a bit before he removed them, adding them to the pile. He kept his underwear on though.

 

Danille immediately set to washing his hair, and he sighed at the feel of her manicured nails working at his scalp, removing the filth. He closed his eyes, drifting, drifting…

 

“Louis? I drained the tub. Gonna run the shower so you can wash your legs and privates.”

 

Louis opened his eyes, before nodding tiredly. Eleanor was back, and she glanced at his stomach for a split second before they both helped him up onto wobbly legs.

 

“I won’t fall.” he mumbled in what he hoped was a reassuring tone, and they nodded as they helped him out of the tub and into the shower, closing the glass door.

 

“There’s a bar in here I can hold on too. I’ll be okay.” he said, before peeling off his underwear, turning on the shower, and giving himself another quick scrub down. For a second, a quick second, there was a sticky white running down his legs, and then red, dark and carrying his life with it, and then it was water again.

 

He took a deep breath, scrubbing himself again, and again, and again and again and again before deciding that the dirt was here to stay, that filth was here to stay, he was filth and filth was he, inside and out, in and out, in and out, over and over, panting, grunting, Tommo baby, NO.

 

He shut the shower off, and the glass door opened for a second, a delicate tan hand holding a towel. He took it gratefully, wrapping it around his waist as best as he could before carefully stepping out of the shower.

 

The floor was clean, or at least cleaner than it was, and he looked to see a pile of towels added to his clothes. He sighed tiredly, slowly making his way out of the bathroom with both girls at his arm, to the bed where new clothes were laid out.

 

Yes, yes, yes.

 

They turned around as he dried off and dropped the towel, pulling on new underwear and a pair of spongebob pajama pants, then grabbing the oversized black sweater, the sleeves falling over his hands, and he sighed in comfort.

 

“Done.” he whispered, before walking back to the bathroom and brushing his teeth.

 

“Want the boys?” Eleanor asked, from where she was seated on the bed.

 

“No’ ‘et” he blubbered, pausing to spit and wash his mouth out. “Not yet.” He corrected. “Give me a few minutes please.”

 

“Whatever you need babe.” Danielle chimed in, and he put his toothbrush away, joining the girls on the bed.

 

He closed his eyes and breathed deeply for a few moments, to catch his breath, and hopefully catch his life as it spiraled out of control right in front of him, and his mind, losing control.

 

“I think it’s called a trigger.” he spoke suddenly, not having to open his eyes to know he had their attention.

 

“It is.” Eleanor affirmed. “We looked into it, together. And Jay too. She was expecting this call.”

 

Louis opened his eyes to stare at them.

 

“We-we had a feeling this could happen, and it might happen again. But you won’t speak to anyone about it.”

 

Louis said nothing, instead tugging at his sleeves.

 

Eleanor sighed.

 

“As soon as I saw what happened on the-the screen I…something in me twisted the wrong way, and whatever was inside spilled out and I barely made it to the bathroom before I was throwing up and shaking on the floor. I think I peed then too. I was, so…so everything at once and I had no control but to feel. It was horrid.” Louis whispered.

 

“I’m sorry Louis.” Danielle breathed, and Louis grabbed her hand, and Eleanor’s in the other.

 

He bit his lip.

 

“Just stay please. For a bit. Don’t leave.”

 

“Whatever you need.” Eleanor stated, repeating Danielle’s words from earlier.

 

He was breaking apart. Soon there would be nothing left and how do you raise a baby in pieces?

 

“Call the boys in please.” he asked, and Danielle sent a text.

 

Almost immediately, a thundering of footsteps sounded louder and louder before the boys barged, stopping short.

 

“Looks worse than it is, yea?” Louis said, forcing a smile.

 

“What the holy fu-

 

“Niall.” Liam chastised.

 

Zayn leaned against the wall, watching Louis intently while Harry walked to the bed.

 

“Can I touch you?” he asked, and Louis nodded, looking up at him.

 

Harry awkwardly moved around Danielle and gently cupped Louis cheek in his, leaning down and kissing the top of the smaller boy’s head.

 

Louis sighed softly.

 

He missed those lips. Why?

 

It was quiet for a bit, everyone breathing carefully, afraid to startle each other.

 

No, afraid to startle Louis.

 

He was so pale, and he was shaking, and there were bags under his eyes and the white of them tinged a slight red.

 

He looked sick.

 

Louis gripped the girls’ hands tighter.

 

“I don’t talk about the...the father, and I don’t want to meet up with him because…” he trailed off, and all eyes were on him.

 

The girls’ both held his hands even tighter.

 

“I don’t know who he is.”

 

He picked one place on the wall to stare at, right above the tv, but under a strange painting that made no sense, the kind Harry would want in their flat.

 

Niall opened his mouth to ask, because he was sure this guy must have contacted him, and surely Louis remembered his face. But he stayed silent. Louis was shaking harder.

 

Louis took a shaky breath.

 

“You don’t have to say anything you don’t want t-

 

“No.” Louis said, interrupting Harry, always kind and always thoughtful Harry, “I can’t-it hurts everyday and I-let me speak Harry, please.”

 

Harry’s mouth clamped shut, and he nodded.

 

“When we went to the club, you went to get me drinks, and Niall says I was dancing with a girl and I left with her, right?” He looked to Niall for confirmation, who nodded slowly.

 

“Well, um…I.” He stopped short, because how do you say this. How do you finally tell the one group of people you never wanted to tell, how much you screwed up, how stupid you were, how truly far you’ve fallen…

 

“I…”

 

He stopped again, because how? How how how?

 

“I…I didn’t mean for this-I didn’t-I want-

 

As soon as ‘want’ crossed his lips, Zayn slid down the wall, covering his face with his hands. Zayn was quick like that. He got it.

 

All except Louis turned to look at Zayn in concern and confusion, and that brief moment, no eyes were on him. Now as it. Now was the time.

 

“I didn’t want to have sex with him.”

 

The words were out. The door was wide open, ripped open by the hurricane laced in his words, tearing the room apart, just as the act did him, his body, his mind, and the room spun for a moment, the weight of his admission still sitting heavily within him but shifting.

 

He kept his gaze even at that spot. That one spot. A white wall. Expressionless. Blank.

 

He could feel their eyes on him again, burning him.

 

He swallowed.

 

“I woke up after I left with her. And was blindfolded, and gagged, and my arms were tied. He told me I was tight. How good I was. How I screamed and how it turned him on. I dream sometimes but I know they’re memories, of his gasping, the sound of our flesh slapping together, how much I don’t want it and how much I can’t stop it.”

 

The words are flowing now. The door is open and the wind is blowing too hard and he can’t stop.

 

First he couldn’t figure out how to get the words out and now they were bubbling up out of him like the vomit only moments ago.

 

“He held a knife to my neck and told me to stay quiet. That he wouldn’t kill me because he was a rapist, not a killer.”

 

He felt something else shift in the room at the use of that word. ‘Rapist’.

 

Louis refused to look at them.

 

He kept his eyes on that lovely, blank, spot.

 

“He loosened the ropes and left. He got all this pleasure and I got bruises, the sound of his voice, and this baby. Just like that. So I managed to get free, took a shower, and came home.”

 

He omitted scrubbing the blood and semen from where it coated him and seeped out, down his legs, down the drain…

 

“You were all so upset but I couldn’t handle it, I freaked and I ran and, well, you know. Then a few months later I found out I was pregnant, and well, yea. That’s it. That’s the secret.”

 

The wind of his words died down. It was so quiet.

 

But no.

 

They were in the eye of the storm. They still had a ways to go. The wind would pick up, and tear everything to shreds…kind of like Louis’ existence. He ruined everything.

 

Keep. Staring. At. The. Spot.

 

He eyes drifted anyways.

 

Niall’s face was blank. Utterly blanks. He walked over to the door to the balcony, opening it and stepping outside, shutting it behind him.

 

Liam was leaning his forehead against the, palms pressed against it, veins bulging in his arms.

 

He was angry.

 

Zayn was still seated as he was from before.

 

And Harry.

 

Harry was…

 

Everything. A rapid range of emotons crossed his face, so quickly Louis could barely keep up, eyebrows furrowed in confusion, eyes dark with anger, lips bitten to hold back tears, and then nothing.

 

Harry turned and walked out.

 

He left.

 

He left he left he left.

 

“Harry!” Eleanor gasped, releasing Louis hand and tearing after Harry.

 

Louis must have made some noise distressing enough to truly worry Danielle, because she turned and pulled him toward her, holding him tightly, shushing him and rocking him back and forth.

 

.

.

.

 

Harry walked numbly outside, right into Paul’s arms. He was down the hallway already?

 

Paul was speaking words that he couldn’t reach him, not when his mind was more focused on keeping his heart beating, because it hurt.

 

Eleanor rushed out.

 

“Can we borrow your room?”

 

Paul looked beyond done with the entire situation.

 

“I deserve an explanation.” he said sternly, before letting them in, Eleanor grabbing Harry’s hand and pulling him in.

 

“I will.” she answered, shutting the door.

 

Harry walked around in a circle, spinning around, just…

 

“Harry.” she started, and yelped when he suddenly whirled on her, in her face.

 

“You _knew_. You knew and you didn’t…” he trailed off, clutching his hair and staggering backwards. “You knew-you knew-

 

“Harry-

 

“You _knew_!”

 

“Don’t yell at me, Harry!”

 

“The who!? Who do I yell at!? Who do I-who?”

 

He sank to his knees. “Who can I hurt for hurting Louis like this? My Louis. My sweet Louis, who do I hurt? Who do I yell at? Who do I kill?”

 

Eleanor said nothing, watching.

 

“It hurts so much…it hurts and I know Louis feels a thousand times worse and it’s…it’s not fair.”

 

The dam broke.

 

“Not Louis, no, I…how could somebody, no, no, not Louis, Louis…”

 

Eleanor walked over, pulling his head to rest on her stomach, wrapping her arms around him.

 

Words started failing Harry, so he only repeated a name. Louis. Louis Louis Louis. Not Louis. How could something this horrible, how could somebody do this, how was he seated in a club, how did he watch Louis leave to get caught by somebody like that, how could he have sat there angry all night while Louis was getting r-

 

He gagged through his hysterical tears, and Eleanor ran a hand through his hair.

 

How could he and the boys have left? How could they have pushed Louis like that? How could they have said those things? How could this have happened?

 

And it made sense? It finally made sense, the pieces had finally clicked together, little moments, Liuis flinching, his nightmares begging for someone to get off of him, for that man to get off of him, the jittery looks, the paranoia, the touching without permission, it all made sense and Harry was such an idiot, such dumbass for not figuring this out sooner.

 

He screamed, and Eleanor held him tighter.

 

Time passed Harry in a wild blur of screams, curses, shaking, tears, rage, and devastation. Never could he have imagined…never could he have thought….

 

“Pull yourself together.”

 

He froze, looking up from Eleanor’s shirt from where she stared down at him with wet cheeks and reddened eyes.

 

She sniffled. “Pull it together, Harry.”

 

“How?” Harry sobbed out.

 

“I don’t know, because I don’t know how I’m keeping it together either, but you have too. Now. Because whatever you feel, it is _nothing_ compared to Louis, and we can’t afford to…to sit here like this. And it sucks, because it’s not even selfish to need some time for ourselves, but we can’t. Louis is running out. He withering away and we need to try and save him.”

 

Harry shook his head, crying harshly, because how? How could he help when he had been so stupid? SO thoughtless.

 

“No, no Harry, don’t you dare.” Eleanor grabbed his face in her hands, digging her nails into his tear stained cheeks. “He needs you. Louis _needs_ you. Pull. Yourself. Together!”

 

Harry blinked, her words slapping him like he’s sure she would have if he didn’t snap out of it.

 

“He spent all this time stressing about telling you, and you left, like I left. I broke him a little, but you’ll break him a lot, if you don’t get back in there. Now Harry. Wipe your face, blow your nose, take a few deep breaths, suck this in, and get the hell back there to him, because he. Needs. You.”

 

He stared up at her, bewildered and…amazed, carefully standing up and staggering to the kitchen sink, washing his face and drying it with a paper towel.

 

He took a few deep breaths.

 

 

Keep it in until later. Louis did it all this time. He could do it too. Because Louis needed him and he wasn’t there. He needed to go.

 

“ _Now_ Harry!” Eleanor screamed.

 

He ran.

.

.

.

 

Louis didn’t know what was happening, too many people were talking around him, someone was crying, someone was cursing and someone was hitting something, someone was holding him but Harry had left and he knew this was going to happen, he knew it.

 

Harry…

 

“Everybody get out please.”

 

Louis froze.

 

The arms holding him vanished, and a soft kiss was pressed on his cheek. It was quiet aside from the breeze blowing in from the open balcony door. It was shut, and someone crawled into bed with him.

 

“Lou.”

 

 “You left.” Louis gasped out, trying to remember how to breathe.

 

“I know. I know Louis and  came back.” Harry answered softly.

 

“You left.” Louis said again, wheezing.

 

“Breathe Lou, c’mon-

 

“You left me.”

 

“Lou-

 

“You left me and you promised you wouldn’t. You promised.”

 

Harry bit his lip, wanting to hit himself for being such an idiot all the time, again and again.

 

“I know. I’m a liar.” Harry finally answered, after a few seconds of listening to Louis gasp for breath.

 

Louis finally opened his eyes, meeting Harry’s.

 

“I’m a liar and I’m stupid, but I’m here to renew that promise. Never again Louis. _Never_ again.”

 

“I knew you would leave.” Louis breathed out, and Harry shook his head, moving closer.

 

“No Louis. Louis I-can I touch you?”

 

Louis stared at him for a moment, breathing and not breathing, gasping and shaking, before he managed to spit out, “Yes”.

 

Harry nodded, rolling out of the bed to walk around to Louis’ side. Louis watched, still breathing way too fast for comfort, as Harry gently took his arms and pulled him so that he was sitting on the edge of the bed. Harry then took Louis hands, before kneeling to stare up at Louis.

 

“Never again.” Harry repeated.

 

Louis stared.

 

“Never again.” Harry said, and continued to repeat it for a solid two minutes, as Louis finally managed to control his breathing, to sheath his panic, to catch as many of the pieces of him that were floating away and hastily mush them back together.

 

“Never again.” Harry whispered.

 

“Never?” Louis asked, finally able to get words out without the world tilting.

 

“Never.” Harry placed a chaste kiss on one of Louis’ hands, “again”, placing another kiss on his other hand.

 

Louis searched Harry’s face for any clue, for anything at all, that would prove he’d leave like he always expected him too, but couldn’t find one.

 

“Okay.” Louis mumbled, and Harry sighed, standing up but still holding Louis’ hands.

 

Louis stood up as well, albeit shakily and Harry quickly placed his hands at the other’s waist to steady him.

 

“Louis-

 

Louis suddenly leaned forward, wrapping his arms around Harry and burying his face in Harry’s neck. Harry immediately wrapped his arms around Louis, holding him as close as his baby bump would allow.

 

“I don’t know what to say to help.” Harry whispered.

 

Louis shook his head, reaching up to play with the base of Harry’s curls. “You being here helps.” he replied, and Harry shut his eyes, because he couldn’t cry, please don’t cry.

 

“It’s not enough Louis. After all this…after all you just told me-

 

“Right now, this is enough.” his voice was trembling.

 

He was trembling.

 

They both were trembling.

 

“Louis he hurt you. He hurt you and I-

 

“Harry please. Please don’t-

 

Louis was at his limit. He was out of tears and out of feelings and he…he dropped. Harry caught him, of course, and carefully set them on the carpet. Louis climbed onto Harry’s lap, straddling him.

 

Harry stared, unable to describe the pain he felt as Louis shook so hard his teeth were chattering.

 

“Just hold me.” Louis pleaded, “Don’t talk anymore about it, please, and just hold me. I can’t Harry, please.” he begged, and Harry held him tight, feeling Louis’ heart beating quickly against his chest.

 

“I just need everything to stop.” Louis whispered against Harry’s neck. “I can’t I can’t I can’t, Harry.”

 

Louis fisted his hands in the back of Harry’s shirt, nails scratching him through the fabric, and Harry lost the battle with his tears, feeling the slid down his face, slow, and then rapid, never-ending.

 

Louis was in so much pain.

 

“I want to disappear. I don’t want leave.” Louis said, sitting up, his eyes wild and bright with unshed tears.

 

Harry’s heart broke.

 

“Where, Lou? Where do you want to go?”

 

“Anywhere. Away from here.”

 

Harry looked around, thinking, how could he help, where could they go that they could disappear?

 

His eyes landed on the closet in the room.

 

“Okay.” Harry said getting an idea. He carefully took Louis off his lap, grabbing all the pillows from the bed and stuffing them into the closet against a wall, then pulling off the giant comforter and numerous sheets and blankets, setting it up.

 

“Come.” he signaled to Louis, who crawled over, curling up between Harry’s legs.

 

Harry slid the closet door shut, and tucked the comforter around them.

 

“Sleep.” he mumbled, holding Louis close. “It’s dark in here, and it’s small. We’re gone, if only for a little while.”

 

Louis grabbed a handful of Harry’s shirt as he laid against his chest. It was dark. Pitch black. And it was so warm. And Harry was with him, holding him with his heartbeat lulling Louis to sleep.

 

“Thank you.” Louis slurred, out in moments, utterly exhausted.

 

Harry said nothing, out of things to say, and overrun with things to feel. Louis continued to shake for hours after he fell asleep, twitching in his sleep and occasionally whimpering.

 

Harry clenched his fists, taking a long breath in, and releasing it slowly, oh so very slowly.

 

If he ever found who did this to Louis...

 

Who hurt Louis like this…

 

He would tear him apart until there was nothing left but chunks of flesh, bone, and the spattering of blood.

 

That too, was a new promise he would not break.


	20. Chapter 20

Louis blinked open his eyes, and sat puzzled for a moment at the darkness around him. He was cocooned in warmth and silence, and the most comfortable he’d felt in ages. He shifted slightly, leaning his head back and just feeling, registering the constant bump of…

 

A heartbeat.

 

He was wrapped up in blankets and someone’s arms in a small, tight space, but he wasn’t afraid.

 

Why?

 

Then the memories from the previous night set in, his…panic attack? Him telling the boys.

 

Oh God he told the boys. He told them.

 

And…he and Harry going in the closet.

 

So he was in a closet, wrapped up in Harry’s arms and feeling…as good as he could in a situation like this, and he was fine.

 

He carefully moved his arms out of the blanket, sliding the door open just a crack so he could see something. Sunlight immediately streamed through, and hit Harry’s face, highlighting the brown of his curls, going in a diagonal line across his face, catching a corner of his right eye, down a glimpse of his nose, and over the plump red of his lips.

 

Louis stared. He listened to the rhythmic breathing, feeling as Harry’s chest rose and fell. Louis made great care to turn as well as he could, straddling Harry so he could sit up and just watch. He laid both his hands on Harry’s chest, moving one so he could find and feel the beating of Harry’s heart.

 

It was quiet, but his imagination provided the sound he needed, and he heard it, never failing, always strong. Louis then moved one hand up to Harry’s hair, keeping the other on Harry’s chest to stay balanced. He ran his fingers through the curls softly, blunt nails trailing against his scalp.

 

Harry sighed softly.

 

Louis smiled, before leaning up as best as he could and placing a soft kiss on Harry’s forehead. He kept his lips there for a moment, thinking of when Harry had kissed his hands the night before, then sitting back down.

 

Green eyes were peering back at him.

 

Silence persisted, neither gaze wavering for a moment, even when Louis’ eyes began to water from remaining open for so long.

 

“When I kiss you, do you think of that man?”

 

Louis’ breath hitched, and he finally blinked, looking to the door beside them.

 

“Sometimes.” Louis replied, voice not as raspy as it had been earlier.

 

Little bits of that night always managed to sneak in when Harry and he kissed, but Harry always managed to chase them away.

 

“What about in the bathroom at the BBC station? Or when we, at the hotel that one time-

 

“That was something different.” Louis interrupted, still looking away.

 

The next question came a while later, as if Harry had to build himself up to ask it.

 

“Have I ever hurt you? When we kissed?”

 

This time, Louis met his eyes. “Never.” Louis replied, reaching his hand over to cup Harry’s cheek, trailing downwards before removing it.  “Never, Harry.”

 

Harry took Louis’ hand in his. “Is that the truth? I need to know. I need to know that I never scared you, or hurt you in any way.”

 

Louis blinked again. “I was afraid to tell you. I was afraid of your reaction. But I wasn’t afraid of you.” Louis stopped to ponder his words, and Harry laced their fingers together. “When you left me the first time, when I wouldn’t tell you anything. That hurt me. And when you left again, after I told you. That hurt too.”

 

Harry looked away from him, and Louis shook his head. “Look at me Harry.”

 

Harry did.

 

“I guess…people always hurt those they care about, and mostly by mistake. I knew you never meant to hurt me. And sometimes I’m gonna be weird and moody and I’m gonna hurt you, but I won’t mean it either. I trust you Harry. And you promised you’d be there for me. That-that man…he wanted…to-to hurt me. But I know you won’t. At least, not on purpose. Never on purpose.” Louis responded, voice falling to a whisper by the end.

 

Harry stared up at him, and Louis held his gaze, needing Harry to understand that Louis trusted him.

 

Finally, Harry nodded, and he suddenly sat up, jolting Louis a bit but quickly grabbing his waist to steady him.

 

The mood in the closet changed entirely, and Louis’ hair stood on end. He started to shake, heartbeat speeding up, breath coming faster.

 

Harry licked his lips, before parting them to ask, “Can I kiss y-

 

Louis didn’t let him finish, instead pushing up slightly onto his knees to match Harry’s height, crushing their lips together. Harry gasped and Louis immediately pushed his tongue into Harry’s mouth, and Harry jolted, freaking jolted, and it was such an understandable reaction because the space they were in was literally charged.

 

Harry finally figured out what to do with his hands, shoving them under Louis’ shirt and trailing the skin of his back. He pulled Louis closer without squishing his front, and dug his fingers into him, causing Louis’ back to arch and a long gasp to escape his mouth. They stopped for a moment, staring at each other before Harry fell back, his hands flopping down above his head.

 

Diluted green eyes gazed heavily into Louis’, and Louis maneuvered himself along Harry, aligning their mouths and placing a more gentle kiss, setting a softer pace. Harry followed his move, hands coming up and cupping Louis’ ass. That spurred Louis’ on, and he placed a flurry of kisses down Harry’s neck, loving the way Harry’s moans vibrated against his lips.

 

“Lou…” Harry whispered, and Louis smiled against Harry’s neck, stopping for a moment to breathe. Harry’s hands moved from Louis’ arse to his waist, fingers softly tickling the skin as they travelled below to the curve of his stomach. Louis froze.

 

“Does it bother you?” Harry asked quietly.

 

Louis tried to think of a way to answer the question. “It bothers me to look at it. And I don’t want anyone else to see it either.”

 

Neither of them moved for a few moments, until Harry spoke again. “Can I see it?” he asked, voice a whisper.

 

Louis moved from atop Harry, staring at him for a moment before signaling for him to move from where he was laying down. Harry sat up and moved, squishing himself against the wall so Louis could squeeze by and lay down in his place. Louis moved one arm to lay across his eyes while the other moved down, fingers curling across the edge of his jumper and slowly pulling the material up to reveal his growing baby bump.

 

“Can I touch you?” Harry asked, and Louis nodded, finding himself unable to speak at the moment, hyperaware of his appearance.

 

He flinched softly as Harry gently laid his palms on Louis’ stomach, and he couldn’t help but be reminded of that time in the hospital when Harry had rested his forehead and told the baby hi.

 

“Do you hate it? The baby I mean.” asked Harry, and Louis’ mind whirled at the question, thoughts racing to find an answer that wouldn’t make him seem as disgusting as he truly was.

 

“I-I don’t…” he stopped and took a breath. “Sometimes.” he replied, and Harry hm’d, giving nothing away in his tone to imply if he was disgusted with Louis or not. Louis could look at his face for answers but he was too afraid, instead keeping his arm firmly over his eyes.

 

“Can I kiss you?” Harry asked suddenly, even softer than before.

 

Louis nodded again, a little confused, waiting for Harry’s lips to meet his but never getting that, instead gasping as he felt Harry’s lips press against the top of his stomach.

 

He immediately moved his arm, staring down at Harry wide-eyed as the curly haired boy placed light kisses all over Louis’ stomach. Louis watched mouth agape as Harry’s lips trailed over the hill of his, planting kisses at random spots, before going lower and lower, stopping at the very bottom. And then he _sucked_. Louis jerked, gasping loudly at the sensation. He literally couldn’t handle it, Harry’s mouth being to close to his now twitching member and he planted his feet flat, toes curling.

 

“Harry stop.” he wheezed out, and Harry did, green eyes peering up at him through brown eyelashes, dimples showing prominently in his hollowed cheeks, gosh, and he pulled his lips off wetly, licking them slowly and taking a deep breath. Louis was breathing hard, and he stared down at Harry in awe, because what else could he do? Again, they stared at each other, panting breaths filling the silence in place of their failing words. Harry leaned his head back down.

 

“Harry- 

 

And blew a raspberry. Louis jumped in surprise, Harry raising his head to meet Louis’ eyes again, this time with a wide smile. The previous mood vanished almost instantly, and Louis couldn’t help it.

 

He lost it, small giggles turning into full blown laughter as Harry fingers began tickling his sides. He squealed and tried to fend Harry off, sneakily reaching under Harry’s shirt to pinch him. Harry yelped, laughing as well, Louis finally forgetting his exposed abdomen in the midst of their tickle/pinch fest.

Eventually they managed to calm down.

 

Harry sat behind again, Louis leaning on his chest between his legs. Harry slowly pushed his hands under Louis shirt, rubbing small circles on his stomach.  

 

“Do you feel it move anymore?” Harry asked, and Louis nodded.

 

“Kind of, I think. It’s weird. Mum told me about it and all. It kind of feels like gas bubbles but not. It’s hard to explain.” Louis mumbled in reply, pulling at the oversized sleeves of his jumper. He opened his mouth to speak again when his stomach gurgled embarrassingly loud.

 

They both froze.

 

“That wasn’t the baby, was it?” Harry asked teasingly, and Louis felt like he was going to die.

 

He covered his face with his hands. “No, Harry, oh my God.” he whined in mortification, and Harry laughed.

 

“You should get something to eat.”

 

It did make sense, now that he thought about it, because he had puked up the equivalent of at least a months worth of meals last night. Harry was still giggling as he slid open the closet door, the sunlight nearly blinding them.

 

Both cursed loudly before bursting into laughter again, and Louis rolled himself off of Harry, crawling on all fours and turning to sit back against the bed. Harry stood up and then stumbled over beside him clumsily.

 

“Holy crap, my legs.” he gasped, flopping next to Louis.

 

Louis smiled. “Poor thing.”

 

Harry shook his legs out a bit, trying to get proper circulation again. It probably hadn’t helped much that most of the blood had been well on its way to his penis, but thank God for small blessing. He thought about the sound of Louis gasping and quickly stood up, mangled legs be damned.

 

“The others are probably out there. You gonna order room service or…”

 

Louis frowned, thinking about his friends. “I’ll go out there first.”

 

Harry held out a hand and helped Louis up, and Louis smiled softly at him. “Thanks for, all of this. Helping me sleep and all.”

 

Harry smiled.

 

“Really Lou. What else would I have done?”

 

Louis giggled before making his way out of the room. As soon as Louis shut the door, Harry’s smile vanished.

 

He took a few deep even breaths, clenching and unclenching his fists. He then let out a stream of whispered curses, reaching up to tug at his curls, before storming into the bathroom. He looked at himself in the mirror, breaths coming harder and harder. He lifted his fist, thrusting it forward to slam it into the glass but stopping short. Instead let his hand drop, leaning his head down and clutching it against the counter, moaning softly.  

 

“Damn it.” he whispered, gritting his teeth. “I’m going to kill him.

 

He imagined his hands clenched tight around the neck of the faceless monster who’d hurt Louis, imagined what t would be like to hear him choke and gurgle and cry and beg just as Louis had.

 

He looked back up to gaze at himself in the mirror just as that thought took hold and froze at his appearance. . His eyes were darker than he’d ever seen them, and the look in them truly scared him.

 

He blinked, pushing himself away from the mirror and wrapping his arms around himself, shaking.

.

.

.

 

Louis’ pajama bottoms flopped against the floor as he walked down the hallway out into the main room. Niall was leaning against the wall of the kitchen expressionless and arms crossed. Eleanor was seated at the table there, her head rested on her arms. Danielle and Liam sat whispering to each other on a sofa, and when Louis peered around the corner, he spotted Zayn on the balcony with a cigarette in his mouth.

 

Louis looked back in the room and met Niall’s eyes, the blonde staring back at him motionless.  Liam and Danielle didn’t notice him yet and he wasn’t sure if Eleanor was sleeping. Louis took a breath.

 

“Hey guys.” he whispered nervously.

 

Immediately, all eyes were on him, Eleanor’s head having snapped up to stare, and even Zayn who walked in and snubbed out his smoke. Eleanor stood up.

 

“I’ll make a cuppa.” she said, filling a kettle with water and setting it on the stove. “Also, you’re hungry right?” she gestured to a plate. “Ordered it earlier. I’ll heat it up.” He watched her work before looking at the others.

 

“Has that guy tried to, erm, contact you at all.” asked Liam, breaking the silence.

 

Louis shook his head with wide eyes. “No, no, um, not that I know of, at least.”

 

The thought of such a thing immediately set him further on edge.

 

“You were afraid to tell us, right?” Niall suddenly asked, keeping his position on the wall.

 

Louis bit his lip. “I-

 

“Why?” Niall plowed on, and Louis swallowed thickly.

 

“Niall.” Danielle chastised, but he ignored her, icy blue eyes boring in Louis’.

 

“I-I was…” he didn’t know how to put it into words, how terrified he was of them truly leaving him, how much of this was his fault and how everything was falling apart because of him…

 

He just stared.

 

Niall pushed off the wall and storm towards a wide-eyed Louis, grabbing Louis’ arms and shaking him softly.

 

“We love you, you stupid idiot.” Niall said, voice cracking and cheeks turning red. “You dumbass we freakin love you, asstwat.”

 

“Niall.” Liam called, and Niall let Louis go.

 

“Damn it!” he yelled, wiping at his eyes. He shoved past Liam and stormed out, slamming the door open as he left. Liam looked to Danielle and she nodded. He turned and followed after Niall.

 

The kettle started to wail and Eleanor quickly turned the stove off, pouring the hot water into a waiting mug. She mad the tea how Louis liked it, setting the steaming mug on the table along with the re-heated plate of food.

 

Louis was still staring where Niall had left until Zayn stepped into his line of vision. He took Louis’ face in his.

 

“We love you, you know that, yea?”

 

Louis nodded softly, staring into Zayn’s eyes.

 

“Good. So he’s not mad at you. He’s mad at what happened to you.”

 

Louis nodded again, and Zayn pulled him into a soft hug. Louis stiffened at first, before gingerly snaking his arms around Zayn as well.  Zayn rocked Louis from side to side for a moment, and Louis closed his eyes.

 

“I’m sorry.” he whispered, words muffled against Zayn.

 

Zayn shook his head. “You have nothing to be sorry for. None of this is your fault.”

 

Louis laughed bitterly, and Zayn tightened his arms around Louis. He locked eyes with Eleanor and Danielle who had moved to sit at the table.

 

They had a lot of work to do.

 

Footsteps sounds from down the hall and Harry walked in, looking around and then making a beeline to the kettle.

 

“Is this fresh?” he asked, his voice coming out a deep rasp that got everyone’s attention.

 

Eleanor nodded at him slowly. Harry took the kettle and proceeded to make himself a cup as well, shakily fixing it the way he liked. He brought a trembling mug up to his mouth, red eyes staring at nothing as he sipped loudly. Louis carefully pushed away from Zayn and stared at Harry worriedly. Zayn walked over to Harry, gently prying the mug from his shaking hands. He then wrapped a hand around Harry’s wrist and tugged him down the hall, Harry sloppily following along and not saying anything. The door to the bedroom slammed shut behind them.

 

“Okay, this is not a good environment right now.” Eleanor said with a frown, and Louis sighed softly.

 

Again, his fault.

 

“Eat up, and let’s head out. Paul’s going to take you to see Dr. Minnie. She’s called me seven times, so. And we can just, get some fresh air while we’re out, alright?”

 

That sounded quite nice, actually. He sat down quietly and dug in, as in really dug in, because he was ravenous. Danielle laughed as she watched him scarf down his food.

 

“Just try not to choke, yea?” she said, and Louis stuck hit tongue out as he continued.

 

Eleanor looked down at her clothes. “I don’t have anything to change into though.”

 

Danielle shrugged. “Can we wear some of your stuff, Louis. We can have a sloppy day or something.”

 

“So my clothes are sloppy then?” he asked, taking a sip of his tea.

 

Danielle rolled her eyes playfully. “Anyways. I’ll ask Harry for a pair of pajamas, so you don’t have to change. We’ll sort of match suppose.”

 

Louis nodded, fine with that option as he really didn’t feel like changing either. These clothes were comfy.

 

“Why Harry’s though?” he asked softly, staring down surprised at his empty plate.

 

Eleanor placed a glass of water and Louis took it gratefully, drinking it. “Because how would her forever long legs look in a pair of your bottoms?”

 

Louis choked at the image, setting the glass down harshly as his body fought between coughing and laughing. Eleanor patted his back with a smile. When he could finally breathe again, he pouted.

 

“I’m gonna get the clothes. Be back.” Danielle said, heading off into the room. Louis watched, trying to mask his worry at whatever was happening inside.

.

.

.

 

“Breathe, Harry. Just breathe.”

 

Harry nodded from where he was seated on the toilet seat, hands clenching his knees as he stared down at the tile. Zayn stood between his legs, running his hands through Harry’s hair.

 

Harry retched and Zayn quickly jumped back to give Harry space. He then moved to smooth Harry’s hair back as he hovered over the bowl, hummng softly as Harry shuddered.

 

Danielle appeared at the bathroom door.

 

“He’s just upset. It’s fine.” Zayn said at her worried gaze. She nodded, walking in and pressing a kiss to his hair.

 

“I’m gonna borrow a pair of you pajamas, alright?” she said, and Harry nodded as he spit into the bowl.

 

She grimaced and stood up. “Me and El are gonna take him to the doctor’s and then we’ll just hang out for a while. It’s a bit…stuffy in here.

 

He leaned his head to stare  up at her and she grabbed some tissue, dabbing his mouth with it. “Is he alright?” he asked, voice cracking.

 

“He’s…as good as it gets I suppose. We’re going to try and cheer him up a bit.” she answered, and he nodded.

 

She walked out and grabbed what she needed, leaving as quietly as she came. Harry flushed the toilet and shut the lid again, sitting on top of it. Zayn continued to hum, hands working magic in Harry’s hair. Harry closed his eyes.

 

“I tried to keep it together.”

 

Zayn didn’t answer, instead stopping mid hum to listen.

 

“I freaked out last night but then I just pushed everything down to focus on Louis. And now it’s the next day and I’m still freaking out.”

 

Zayn continued to listen.

 

“So how does Louis do it? He’s been freaking out for months and he’s still sane. How?”

 

Zayn leaned down to press his lips against Harry’s hair. “I don’t know.” he answered honestly. “But we have to try, right? Because if we all fall apart then how will we keep Louis together?”

 

Harry wiped his face, nodding. “I know.” he whispered.

 

“We’ll be alright Harry. We’re almost all on the same page now. So we can figure this all out, together. None of us are alone.” said Zayn softly.

 

Harry sniffled. “Can you stay for a while please?” Harry asked, fingers cluchting at Zayn’s shirt.

 

“Of course ‘arry. I wasn’t planning on leaving anyways.”

 

He started to hum again.

.

.

.

 

“Have you felt any excess fatigue, or dizziness, weakness, dry mouth?”

 

Louis shook his head no from where he was seated in Dr. Minnie’s office.

 

“Good, so I think we can rule out dehydration, but I’d still like you to drink a good amount of water as you should be anyways.”

 

Louis nodded.

 

“Alright then, any unusual discharge, spotting, the like?”

 

“No, I didn’t bleed or anything. I just um, puked and…peed.”

 

She nodded, writing it down.

 

“Alright. And when you fell-

 

“I didn’t fall. I was on the ground before I passed out.”

 

“Good, so no hard fall and I’d assume no bruising.”

 

“Yea.” Louis answered.

 

Dr. Minnie wrote more before setting the chart down. “Can you tell me anything from before the incident? Were you feeling ill at all or was it sudden.”

 

Louis stared down at his lap and pulled at the fabric of his pajama pants. “I was erm, watching something and, it was a bit not good? And I think it, um, triggered me.”

 

“Triggered you.” she repeated, and Louis nodded. “Louis, love.”

 

Her use of the word ‘love’ had him look up at her, giving her his full attention. “I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s going on. And I want nothing more than you feeling your absolute best.”

 

Louis pulled harder at the fabric. “There was a…rape scene…in the movie.”

 

She sat up in her chair. “And that triggered you.” she stated more than asked.

 

“Yes.” he whispered.

 

“Alright. Is the content of what triggered you in any way linked to your pregnancy?” she asked softly, and Louis stopped messing with his pants, sitting stiffly.

 

“Yes.” he finally answered.

 

His doctor, to her credit, managed to stay as professional as she could, reigning in her horror. She’d told him ‘congratulations’. Everything added up now.

 

“Louis. I have to urge you to please speak to someone about this. This hospital has numerous doctors in psychiatry and psychology who can help you with this. I need to remind you that this pregnancy is leaning towards more high risk, as most male pregnancies are. Things that trigger you can be damaging to your mind, your body, and your baby.”

 

He shrugged.

 

“Can you think about it at least?” she pleaded, and he nodded.

 

“Alright. Well, just as a precaution, let’s have another ultrasound. Would you like to know the sex?”

 

Louis blinked.  Did he?

 

“I don’t know.” he answered and she nodded.

 

“That’s fine. Do you want your friends to come with you?”

 

“Yea.”

 

They headed out and Louis looked down the hall to where Danielle and Eleanor were seated. He called to them and they both got up, jogging toward him.

 

“Ultrasound?” asked Eleanor excitedly.

 

“Yea.” he said with a weak smile, wishing he could share her enthusiasm.

 

The group walked into the ultrasound room, and took off his shirt, not meeting anyone’s eyes as he got up onto the table. The girls sat beside him. Louis flinched as the cold gel was rubbed on, and before long, they could hear his baby’s heartbeat and see it on screen.

 

“There it is. It’s developing nicely.”

 

“What a big head. That’s your baby alright.” Danielle muttered, and Louis couldn’t help the giggle that escaped him.

 

“Shut up.” he laughed.

 

“And well, I can tell you the sex, if you’d like. It’s completely your choice, and if you want, we can hold off until the birth.”

 

Louis didn’t know. He honestly didn’t know if he wanted to know. Would knowing the sex help him understand whether he loved this baby or not? It would certainly make everything seem even more real.

 

“I-

 

He trailed off, closing his eyes and just breathing. The sound of his baby’s heartbeat filled in the silence, and he listened.

 

“Yes.” he said after his long pause. “You can tell me.”

 

His doctor smiled. “Alright then. Mr. Tomlinson, you are carrying a healthy baby boy.”

 

He opened his eyes and stared at the screen. “Really?” he gasped out, and she nodded.  He couldn’t take his eyes of it. No. He couldn’t take his eyes off _him_.

 

He was having a boy.

 

He couldn’t tell what he was feeling, as was becoming the norm for him, but it certainly wasn’t dark. At least not yet.

.

.

.

 

The three were seated in a café towards the back, managing to stay on the down low so far. Louis bit into his bagel and chewed absentmindedly.

 

He was having a boy.

 

He thought about the picture of it, no, him, that was in the car.

 

“How do you feel?” Danielle asked, and Louis shrugged.

 

“I don’t know.” he answered.

 

Why did he never know?

 

Her and Eleanor locked eyes.

 

“So, I met a boy.” said Eleanor, deciding a change in subject was best.

 

That got his attention. He frowned. “Really?” he asked, and she nodded with a smile.

 

He frowned, a little jealous. “Oh.” he said, and she reached across the table to hold his hand.

 

“It’s nothing serious, love. I’m not really looking for anything serious right now. I mean, I’m just seeing where this goes. He’s nice. I met him at Starbucks.”

 

Louis bit his lip to contain the sudden laughter bubbling up. “Did you really?” he asked, voice coming out as a squeak.

 

Danielle covered her mouth with her hands, shoulders shaking.

 

“What’s so funny?” asked Eleanor, frowning.

 

“Oh, nothing.” Louis said. “It’s just…not surprising that you met him at Starbucks is all. I’m surprised you let a stranger into your home.”

 

Eleanor pouted. “You guys suck.”

 

“And you said it was nothing serious.” Danielle joked, and the two burst into laughter.

.

.

.

 

Louis was finally back at the hotel, and he stood in the hallway with the girls.

 

“You sure you’re alright love? We could stay. We honestly don’t mind.” said Danielle, and Louis smiled.

 

“I’m fine, guys. I’ve made it this far, yea? Besides, I can’t keep asking you to put your lives on hold for all my crap.”

 

Eleanor scoffed. “How many times must I tell you that you’re more than important enough, dunce. Love and all.”

 

Louis’ smile widened. “You guys are seriously the best. But you have to go, alright?”

 

They shared a three-way hug.

 

“Text or call, anytime. You know the drill.”

 

He nodded. “Of course. I need to know more about your Starbucks love story.”

 

Eleanor rolled her eyes. “Bye.” she said, storming off playfully.

 

He laughed as they left, and once the lift doors closed, his face straightened out. He stared down at the ultrasound picture in his hands.

 

He was having a boy. Paul walked up next to him.

 

“Can we talk, Louis?” he asked, and Louis frowned, because he knew what was coming.

 

But he was so tired of telling this story. Now that it was out, more and more people seemed to need to know and…it was so exhausting.

 

“Yea.” he answered tiredly, and followed Paul into his room.

 

“What’s goin’ on lad? Are you alright?” he asked once they were seated.

 

Louis took a deep breath, steeled himself as best as he could, thought about better times, and spoke.

.

.

.

 

The sound of the room door opening got everyone’s attention, and Louis walked in with red cheeks and watery eyes.

 

“Hey.” He said shakily.

 

Harry stood up in concern but Louis shook his head, instead curling up as best he could on a lone chair.

 

“I um, told Paul. He pretty upset. He called a meeting, and is, um, increasing security.”

 

Louis wanted to disappear, or perhaps go back to earlier when he and Harry had been alone. That was nice.

 

“Louis mate?” Niall called, and Louis looked over at him. “M’sorry. I didn’t mean to do all that earlier.”

 

“It’s fine.” Louis said, understanding. He had that effect on people.

 

“Nah mate, it’s not fine. I cursed at you and shook you like some toy. That’s not fine at all.”

 

Harry whirled around to stare at Niall. Zayn grabbed his hand and squeezed it warningly.

 

“Let them handle it.” he whispered just loud enough for Harry to hear.

 

Louis stared at Niall for a moment, before nodding. “Okay.” he said softly.

 

“Good.” Niall answered.

 

It was quiet again.

 

“I’m having a boy.” Louis said suddenly.

 

They all turned to him, wide-eyed.

 

“Found out today, at my ultrasound. Here’s a picture.”

 

He handed them the paper, and they all gathered to look at it.

 

“Louis, that’s-

 

He interrupted Liam as he stood up without warning. “I’ll be back in a moment. Order something to eat for me?” Louis said and quickly walked out of the room into the bedroom, shutting the door. He took out his phone, dialing it almost frantically.

 

‘Louis love! I didn’t want to call and overwhelm you, and Danielle and El kept in touch. How are you?’

 

Louis kicked off his shoes, crawling back into the closet where he and Harry had slept, among other things.

 

“Hi mummy.” he said softly, relieved to hear her voice.

 

‘How are you boo?’

 

“I don’t know.” he answered, curling up.

 

‘Alright. Did you go to the doctor’s?’

 

“Yea. Um, I’m alright.”

 

Her sigh of relief came loud and clear over the phone. ‘I’m so glad, love.’

 

“We um, also did an ultrasound.” he mumbled.

 

‘Okay. That’s normal right. And the baby’s healthy?’

 

“Yea, he’s healthy.”

 

There was a long pause.

 

‘He?’ Jay finally asked.

 

“Yea. He.”

 

“Oh, boo, that’s…how do you feel?”

 

Louis wanted to scream. “Everyone asks me that, and I even ask myself that, and I don’t know! I should feel something, like anger, so much anger that this thing is in me, that he is growing here, and I should feel happy, because this is my baby, and I do feel things, but so many of them at once that I really don’t know.”

 

The phone was plucked from his hands. He looked back to see Harry pass it to Zayn, and Harry made his way in beside Louis, holding his hand. Louis was too tired to say anything.

 

He was just so tired.

 

And he was having a boy. A living, breathing, boy.

 

“Hey mum, do you think you could come down to visit for a bit?” Zayn spoke into the phone, and Louis heard his mother’s voice vaguely.

 

“Let’s just sit here and chat. Enough baby stuff for today.” said Niall loudly from where he lay on the carpet nearby.

 

Zayn hung up and sat down as well. “Your mum’ll be here by morning Louis.” he said with a smile. Liam dropped his head on Zayn’s lap before saying, “I got invited to an orgy on Twitter.”

 

They all froze, staring, before Louis literally howled with laughter, the rest of the boys joining in after a second.

 

“Liam mate what the hell?” yelled Niall, rolling around hysterically.

 

“Niall, part of me was like what, and the other was quite excited to be honest.” replied Liam, and Zayn snorted.

 

“Because it’s such an honor, huh?” he giggled, and Liam blushed.

 

“How many people?” asked Harry.

 

“Five.” Liam replied, and Louis laughed harder.

 

Harry high-fived Liam for his success in cheering Louis up, even if it was for a moment. Finally when Louis could breath again, he sat up and wiped his eyes.

 

“I actually really needed that laugh, Liam, thanks.”

 

“Anytime.” Liam replied with a smile.

 

They all sat comfortably until Niall opened his mouth. “So did you yes then?”

 

Liam sat up dramatically only to knock Zayn in the chin, both yelping. Louis laughed so hard he thought he’d faint.

 

“Of course not Niall! Rude!” Liam cried, rubbing his head.

 

“I can’t feel the bottom of my face.” wailed Zayn.

 

“God bless the single life. I would have been n that in no time.” Niall laughed, and Liam kicked him.

 

Louis turned to Harry who was watching him and placed a quick kiss on the taller male’s cheek before leaning on his shoulder, listening to everyone laugh and joke with each other.

 

He let the mess of his thoughts drift to the background. He’d have to get back to that eventually, but for the moment he was able to just submerge himself in the warmth and comfort of those around him.

 

There were no words he could think of to describe how much he loved these boys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A happy-ish ending to this chapter maybe??? 
> 
> Everybody is trying so hard to keep themselves together. 
> 
> Poor things. 
> 
> But the Larry moments tho. (◡‿◡✿)
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and thanks for your continued support. <3


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little progress.
> 
> Just a little. 
> 
> Sorry for the wait. I hope you enjoyed it, and I love you.

“I’ve got it all figured out, babe.”

.

.

.

 

Louis woke up blissfully warm and comfortable to the smell of Chanel’s Coco Mademoiselle.

 

He knew this because he’d spent an hour browsing when he’d gotten the chance and picked it out himself, gift wrapped with a little note about how much he loved her and appreciated how much she continued to sacrifice for him, before sending it off.

 

In short, he was wrapped in his mother’s arms.

 

“Hi mummy.” he croaked out, voice raspy from sleep.

 

She kissed his forehead in return, and he sat up slowly so that he was now resting beside her instead of on her. Her arms had to be numb.

 

“So what’s going on then love? Get me up to date. You haven’t called me as often as you said you would.” Jay said quietly, and Louis bit his lip.

 

Jay waited patiently as Louis gathered his words, finding his hand and holding it carefully in hers.

 

“I told the boys what happened. How I um, got pregnant and all that.” he whispered.

 

“Oh love.” Jay replied, squeezing his hand.

 

He gently squeezed back.

 

“Alright boo, I want you to tell me everything. Just talk and I’ll listen. I won’t say anything until you’re done. Get it all out.” she said

 

Louis positioned himself so that his head was on her lap. Then he told her everything. He told her about how this whole thing started, what had happened to him, because she deserved to know, more than anyone. He told her about the movie and how everything had went wrong. He told her about the boy’s reactions to finally finding out. He told her of his finding out the baby’s sex. He told her about how sometimes he felt way too much to handle and other times feeling absolutely nothing at all. He told her how tired he was of everything. He told her how he wondered how he was still standing. He told her that he was so scared he was getting closer and closer to actually losing his mind. He told her his fears of letting the boys down, and the fans down. He told her how he snuck away at times just to breathe, or scroll through his twitter hate and how it left him feeling dizzy and horrified and ashamed. He told her that sometimes he just wanted to scream and scream and scream until he ran out of breath and faded away. He told her about Harry, and how he felt about him sometimes and how he didn’t know what he was feeling or why he felt so much for him in the first place. He told her that he still didn’t know if he would ever love this baby. He told her he didn’t understand why he kept the baby in the first place when he was so angry about how this came to be. He told her he didn’t think he’d be a good father. He told her that he was almost certain if he hadn’t kept the baby he probably would have killed himself, because this type of thing wasn’t supposed to happen to grown men, he shouldn’t have been so stupid to let this happen, that people kept telling him it wasn’t his fault but he couldn’t see how. He told her he hated himself.

 

Jay sat there for a moment, absorbing everything he’d told her, trying to sort through it and find a way to, some way, to bring her baby boy a little bit of relief.

 

“You don’t have to tell me it’ll get better.” Louis mumbled, breaking her thoughts.

 

He knew what she was thinking. He knew she wanted to reassure him but Louis was beginning to get to a point where he couldn’t possibly see how it could.

 

“You don’t believe it will?” asked Jay quietly.

 

Louis shrugged.

 

“Well it will.” she said simply.

 

Louis peered up at her.

 

“It will.” she said again, voice firm with conviction. She wondered how she was able to keep the wild panic inside. Her mind was alight with terror. There was a very real chance she could lose her son. That couldn’t happen. _That couldn’t happen._ “It will.” she said for the third time.

 

“Okay.” Louis answered, indifferent.

 

If she said so.

 

Maybe he’d let her believe for him.

 

He closed his eyes.

.

.

.

 

Harry looked up from where he was curled up against Niall when Jay appeared in the room. Zayn and Liam immediately stopped their conversation, turning to look at her as well. Harry shook Niall awake, and the blond blinked blearily at everyone before zooming in on Jay.

 

“How is he?” asked Harry after a moment of silence.

 

Jay sighed softly, eyes bright with tears that didn’t fall. “He needs help.”

 

Harry sat up.

 

“He…he needs to talk to someone, Harry. And he won’t listen to me but maybe he’ll listen to you. He seriously needs to talk to someone.”

 

“Like, a professional?” Zayn asked, and Jay nodded.

 

“It won’t work. The moment we acted like he needed that type of help he flipped out on us.” said Niall with a frown.

 

Jay shook her head. “You _need_ to find a way to get him into some sort of therapy.”

 

Harry’s stomach sank. “What did he say to you?”

 

Jay didn’t answer.

 

“Jay, what did he say?” Harry tried again, and Jay clenched her fists.

 

Harry stood up. “Mum, what did he say?”

 

Jay opened her mouth to answer when the sound of the door opening halted the conversation. Louis quietly shuffled out, looking around at everyone before sitting at the other end of the couch.

 

“Can I have a cuppa please, mummy?” he asked, crossing his fingers atop his baby bump.

 

“Sure love.” Jay answered after a moment. “In fact, let’s order something to eat too, yea?”

 

She glanced at Harry before stepping into the kitchen area, fiddling with the kettle.

 

“What’s your schedule like today boys?” she asked when the silence persisted.

 

“We have a shoot today.” Liam answered, watching as Harry walked over and took a seat beside Louis, their shoulders touching.

 

Louis leaned against Harry.

 

“What time do you have to be there?” she asked.

 

Zayn glanced at his phone. “Two hours.”

 

Jay frowned. “And what’s the schedule tomorrow?”

 

“Free after two.” Liam answered again.

 

“Hm. Want to go shopping tomorrow, Louis? For the baby, I mean.”

 

Louis blinked slowly, hands shifting to clutch at the fabric of his shirt. Everyone waited for him to answer.

 

“Alright.” he said.

 

“If you’re feeling up to it of course.” she added.

 

“Alright.” he repeated.

 

Harry reached over and held his hand.

.

.

.

 

They arrived to the area where the shoot was taking place, and were immediately led around the room, people hustling and running everywhere.

 

Louis looked around, noticing how people’s eyes would automatically drift to his stomach when the looked at him, and he frowned, trying to ignore the attention. The group eventually made it to the room where they would get ready.

 

Lou was there, setting up her products to do their hair while stylists quickly stepped over to guide them to their clothes.

 

“Hey loves!” called Lou.

 

Lux appeared from behind her with a bright smile.

 

“Luxxy!” they all yelled happily, and Harry held out his arms.

 

The toddler ran into them and screeched with laughter as he hoisted her into the air and twirled around. Louis watched, enraptured.

 

Harry was really good with kids.

 

Someone tapped him on his shoulder and he turned to see Tate standing behind him. The man waved.

 

“Hi Tate.” Louis mumbled, watching as the man slowly looked him up and down before signaling for him to follow.

 

Louis glanced back at Harry before following the man to a corner of the room where he had a few clothes hung up. The older man took out his phone and typed.

 

‘I have a few choices here for you.’

 

Louis read and nodded. “Okay.”

 

‘Some of these have a looser fit if you don’t feel like wearing something a bit tight.’

 

Sarah, their newest PR, walked in at that moment. “Hello folks, if we could speed things up a bit, that’d be good. Word’s gotten out that you’re in the area and we want to be out before too many show up.”

 

She then glanced at Louis and made her way over. “How are you feeling?” she asked.

 

“I’m okay.” he replied, a little spent from spilling his guts earlier to delve any further into ‘feelings’.

 

“Alright. Tell me if you need anything at all and I’ll get it for you. You’ll be on your feet a bit for this shoot and I’d like for you to be as comfortable as possible.”

 

Louis nodded.

 

“Okay then.” she said, glancing at Tate. “I’ll leave you two too it.”

 

He watched her walk over to Zayn before Harry caught his attention. Harry set Lux down and handed her a game on his phone to fiddle with before pulling his shirt off. Louis watched as Harry scratched lightly at his stomach, jeans sitting low on his hips, deliciously low even, with his v lines clearly on display. Harry laughed at something Niall said, dimples prominent in his cheeks before glancing at Louis.

 

He met Louis’ stare, smiling at him before he was pulled away to finish getting dressed. Louis blinked out of his daze and turned back to Tate who was watching him. Louis looked away, instead going to pick out what to wear.

 

Tate’s gaze was heavy. That’s the only way he could describe it. But he figured that it came with the job.

 

Louis picked out nice navy blue blazer, a simple white t-shirt, a dark jeans. There were a pair of bright red Vans on the ground near him. He grabbed the clothes and headed behind a curtain to change, once again opting out of doing it in front of others. He worked quickly, and before long was done, tossing his other clothes in a pile. Tate walked over and looked the outfit over, placing his hands on Louis hips to hoist the pants a little further up. His fingers grazed Louis’ skin.

 

Louis froze. Tate looked down at him, slowly removing his hands. Louis stared at Tate and Tate stared back.

 

“Everything alright?” asked Harry, having suddenly appeared at Louis’ side.

 

Louis nodded slowly, still staring at Tate. Harry looked between the two.

 

“Are these the shoes you’re gonna wear?” Harry asked, pointing down at the Vans.

 

Louis nodded again.

 

“Okay. Let’s go over there then. You’re almost done.” he continued, gently taking Louis’ hands and leading him away, leveling a dark look at the designer for whatever had caused Louis to shut down.

 

They walked over to a random chair against a wall and Louis sat down. Harry then kneeled in front of him, slipping the shoes on Louis’ feet. That shook Louis out of wherever he had gone.

 

“Harry. What are you doing?” he asked, incredulous.

 

Harry glanced up at him. “Um…putting on your shoes?”

 

“I’m pregnant, not an invalid. That should be my new motto, I swear. I’m only five months. I can still lace up my own shoes.”

 

“I know.” Harry answered simply. “So you gonna tell me what happened?”

 

Louis frowned. “He accidently touched my hip when he was fixing my shirt. I um…it just shocked me is all.” he mumbled, looking over to where Tate was folding his old outfit.

 

Tate looked in his direction and Louis quickly turned away.

 

“Hm.” was all Harry said.

 

Louis’ eyebrows furrowed. “What?” he asked.

 

Harry finished lacing his shoes and sat pretzel style on the ground.

 

“He just…watches you a lot is all. I noticed. He stares.”

 

How had Harry seen that?

 

Louis shrugged in response. “He um, yea. But it’s alright. He’s supposed to observe me. Fashion and all that I guess.”

 

“Hm.” Harry said again.

 

Louis leaned forward in his seat and brushed a stray curl up under Harry’s head scarf.

 

“Lou said I could keep it on.” Harry said with a smile.

 

“She probably doesn’t feel like combing through that mane.” Louis joked.

 

“Hey.” Harry whined, head-butting Louis’ knee softly.

 

Louis laughed quietly. “Did you really just hit my knee with your head? Wouldn’t that hurt you more?”

 

“I’ve been told I have a pretty big head.” Harry replied.

 

“Whatever.” Louis chuckled.

 

“Can I touch you?” Harry asked suddenly.

 

Louis nodded, wondering where this was going. Harry placed his hands on Louis’ knees, using them to help push him into a kneeling position. Louis quickly placed his hands on Harry’s waist to steady him. The taller of the two slid his hands up to Louis thighs, spreading them apart and settling between them as close as the chair allowed. Louis gasped softly, sliding back against the chair as Harry leaned down, pressing their foreheads together.

 

They sat there unmoving, just feeling.

 

The room went silent, Louis’ entire focus on the man before him. His hands itched to run through Harry’s hair.

 

“What are you doing, Harry?” he asked.

 

Harry didn’t reply for a moment, instead moving his head back slightly so he could look into Louis’ eyes.

 

“I don’t know,” he answered honestly, breaking his gaze with Louis to instead stare at his lips.

 

Louis licked them and he heard Harry’s breath hitch. The green-eyed boy cocked his head slightly to the side, lips hovering before Louis’.

 

His lips were so close to Harry’s he could almost feel them, and they parted automatically, eager to feel, tongue going dry, eager to taste.

 

Harry breathed out softly, and Louis shuddered. He leaned even closer, and Louis took a breath, so ready for this, whatever it was, so so ready…

 

Something clattered loudly in the background, startling the two. They both turned to see Harry’s phone on the ground, Lux having dropped it.

 

“Oopsie!” she said, placing her hands on her mouth.

 

It was then that Louis realized the room going silent hadn’t been his imagination. A quick glance around the room showed the entire room looking back at them with wide eyes, one stylist even fanning her cheeks. Harry seemed to notice as well, moving back away from Louis, giving him some space.

 

Louis missed his touch already.

.

.

.

 

They were about three hours into the shoot and Louis was exhausted. He was glad the interview had gone first, always eager to get those out of the way, but this shoot was tiring. The overhead lights shining down on them were hot, and he was beginning to sweat under the suit. He hoped he didn’t sweat out the hairstyle Lou had worked hard on.

 

“Do you need a break?” Zayn asked, and Louis shook his head.

 

They were doing individual shoots now and Harry was going first, Niall in line for second.

 

Liam looked over. “Don’t be afraid to stop if you get tired. Health first.” he said, and Lous rolled his eyes playfully.

 

“Yes, thanks daddy direction.”

 

Liam snorted. “You’re really going to attack me with that old joke?”

 

Louis smiled. “Obviously I’m the only one who can still pull it off. I’m just gonna grab a sip of water though, because I’m thirsty, not to ease your worries.” Louis laughed, and Liam gave him the finger.

 

Louis returned it with a smile and headed over to the table he’d placed his water bottle when his foot got caught in a loose wire. He stumbled, trying to regain balance before falling completely. His shoulder collided with a light setup as he went down, arms flailing for a moment before he thrust them out in front of him, taking the brunt of the impact on his hands and knees instead of what probably would have been his stomach. The light he hit swayed dangerously and he glanced up just in time to see it falling.

 

He curled his arms protectively over of his stomach as he braced himself for the pain…that never came.

 

Blinking his eyes open in confusion, Louis looked up to see Harry in front of him, steadying the pole that the light was set up on, before a flurry of hands and voices came at him from all directions. Louis only had eyes for Harry though, as the male turned to meet his.

 

“Are you alright?” Harry asked loudly, breathless.

 

Louis could only nod as the rest of his boys and a few other workers untangled his foot from the wire.

 

He spent fifteen minutes reassuring everyone that he was fine and wasn’t hurt.

 

Thanks to Harry.

 

The rest of the shoot went by in a daze.

 

It was on the ride back to their hotel that he heard what happened.

 

“And Harry was posing and whatever, right, and suddenly, we here you fall and Harry was like the flash! He moved so fast before any of us could think about doing anything. It was sick mate!” Niall explained excitedly.

 

Louis’ mind was strangely blank. He stared down at his and Harry’s conjoined hands instead.

.

.

.

 

It wasn’t until Louis was curled up in bed with his mother that night that the memory struck him.

 

He’d covered his stomach when he thought the light would hit him.

 

For that split second, protecting his baby was the only thing that had mattered.

 

Nothing else. Not even him.

 

Louis slowly brought his hands up to his stomach, rubbing small circles against it.

 

He’d tried to protect the baby. His baby.

 

Glancing at Jay who was sound asleep, Louis carefully slid out of the bed and tip-toed out of the room. He walked to the couch where Harry was curled up with a pillow and blanket, evidently too lazy to pull out the bed.

 

“Harry…” he whispered, and Harry immediately shifted, eyes blinking open.

 

“Lou?” he slurred, stirring awake. “’Sup? You okay?”

 

Louis stood there, watching him with wide eyes.

 

“Louis?” Harry asked again, sitting up, more alert.

 

“I think I care.” Louis replied.

 

“What?” Harry asked, voice heavy with confusion and concern.

 

“I think I care. About the baby. My baby.” Louis continued, and Harry stood up, pulling Louis into a hug.

 

The smaller man was shaking. Badly.

 

“I think I care.” he repeated.

 

“That’s good Louis. That’s wonderful.” Harry mumbled.

 

“I think I care.” Louis gasped out, and Harry held him closer.

 

“It’s okay. It’s okay, Lou, it’s alright.”

 

“I think I care, Harry. I think-I think I-I think I care.” Louis whispered, over and over even as Harry maneuvered them onto the couch, pulling the blanket over them.

 

He said it again, and again, and again, shaking and gasping for breath in between each sentence until he tired himself out, and fell asleep.

 

Louis dreamed of a wailing baby and a soothing lullaby sung in his voice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So many close calls for poor Louis.
> 
> This is starting to become a pattern.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: mentions of non-con

Louis figured that at this point, he should be more than used to waking up wrapped in other people’s arms. He kept his eyes closed, trying to go back to sleep, because he was more than exhausted, but Harry kept shifting from under him.

 

He figured out why pretty quickly.

 

“You’re hard again.” Louis mumbled, and Harry stilled immediately.

 

“To be fair, your thigh is pressed against my dick.” Harry said in reply.

 

That made sense. “You heart is beating so fast.” said Louis, and Harry swallowed.

 

“This has been going on for a while now.” answered Harry, and Louis nodded.

 

“Does this happen often, when you sleep with me?”

 

He felt Harry twitch at his wording, and Louis blushed.

 

“This is the fourth time. Once at your house, but you were asleep. Then there was that time in the car. When we were making out in the closet…and now.”

 

He neglected to mention all the times Louis wouldn’t have had the chance to be aware of it.

 

“Hm.” Louis said in reply.

 

“Does that freak you out?” Harry asked timidly, and Louis shook his head.

 

“No, it’s just kind of surprising is all. I still don’t get how I have this affect on you.”

 

Harry didn’t say anything to that. Curious as to the expression on Harry’s face, Louis shifted to get a better look and Harry gasped, wrapping his arms tighter around Louis to stop him.

 

“W-wait.” Harry muttered, voice strained.

 

“Sorry sorry sorry.” Louis rambled, immediately going still.

 

He listened to Harry take shaky breaths for a moment. He felt a lot warmer all of a sudden.

 

“Why don’t you go shower? And you know…” Louis suggested, and Harry snorted.

 

“We have a one bedroom suite Louis. I’m not wanking with your mum asleep on the bed within hearing distance. Oh my God.”

 

Louis burst into laughter and Harry moaned.

 

“Louis please…”

 

Louis bit his lip to try and stop. “Sorry, I just…can you imagine?”

 

“Maybe I’ll try. Might get rid of this problem.” Harry answered sarcastically.

 

Louis smothered a laugh, before suddenly getting an idea and moving quickly to straddle Harry, thankful for how wide this couch was that he could sit relatively comfortably. Harry grabbed his waist automatically, staring up at Louis with wide eyes.

 

“How are you feeling?” Harry asked suddenly, after another moment of staring in silence.

 

Louis frowned. “I’m sitting on your erect penis and you ask me how _I_ feel?”

 

“You’re always my number one priority.” Harry answered with a small shrug, and Louis blushed again, because Harry had a wonderful way with words that always had him feeling special.

 

“Oh.” he answered, not knowing what else to say for a few seconds. “Thanks, I guess. I’m…” he trailed off, thinking about the baby, his baby, and his sudden protective streak. “I think I’m alright.”

 

There was silence again.

 

Harry began to tremble after a moment, and Louis looked down at him.

 

“Your pupils are so huge.” he said in wonder, leaning down to get a closer look.

 

Harry stared up at Louis, biting his lips, determined not to move, determined not to make Louis uncomfortable in any way, but God, he needed to do something about this, and it was a bit difficult as Louis was sitting on the problem.

 

“Move.” Louis said suddenly.

 

Harry blinked.

 

“You can move. Do what you need to do.” Louis clarified, and Harry’s confusion deepened.

 

“You’re still sitting on me.” Harry mumbled, eyebrows furrowed.

 

“It’s fine. I don’t mind. Where else would you go? The kitchen? The hallway? To one of the boy’s rooms?”

 

Harry’s jaw dropped.

 

“Unless it bothers you. Because I’m fine with it. I wouldn’t have said you could if I were uncomfortable.”

 

Harry just stared.

 

“You’re not…you’re not _him_. I trust you.”

 

Harry still stared.

 

Louis sighed, before grinding down and Harry jolted, fingers tightening against his waist. Harry finally pushed past whatever was going on in his head and ground upwards against Louis, and Louis stared fascinated as Harry’s eyes fluttered for moment, very pink lips parting.

 

Louis felt himself twitch.

 

 

He hadn’t really thought about the effect this could have on him in return. It was, unsurprisingly, a very good feeling. Harry continued to thrust up against him and on one particular hard one, Louis gasped quite loudly.

 

Harry froze, and Louis gripped the younger male’s shirt.

 

“Keep going.” he said softly, and Harry nodded, eagerly continuing.

 

Louis found himself matching Harry’s rhythm and wow, this was just as good as the first time they’d done this.

 

“Faster.” Louis gasped, and Harry obeyed, good job, yes, very good job, thank you.

 

“We-have to, hurry-God Louis, we have another shi-shoot.” Harry stuttered, moaning between words, reaching around to cup Louis’ arse and bring him closer, because this wasn’t working, it felt good but it wasn’t... “This isn’t enough.” Harry moaned, and Louis opened his eyes, didn’t remember them closing even.

 

“What?” Louis asked distractedly.

 

He was hard enough to sculpt rock, and Harry had to be on another planet right now with how long he’d been like this.

 

“It’s not enough… I need…I need-

 

“Need what?” Louis asked, trying to focus.

 

Harry was making sounds. Very good sounds.

 

“More.” Harry gasped.

 

“More?” asked Louis, looking at Harry, whose face was flushed.

 

“More more more more…” Harry chanted, and damn it, he sounded so wrecked.

 

It was absolutely delightful.

 

Harry suddenly sat up, and Louis yelped, frantically gripping Harry’s shoulders so he didn’t fall over.

 

“Sorry.” Harry mumbled, frantically shoving one hand into his pants, the other remaining on Louis’ waist. Louis watched wide-eyed as Harry touched himself, hissing, head falling forward onto his shoulder.

 

“Sorry.” Harry said again, “N-needed to touch…I can’t…” he dissolved into whimpered curses.

 

“No, it’s okay, shh, it’s fine.” Louis said softly, and it honestly was fine.

 

He was so turned on he could probably get off just watching Harry fall apart.

 

A tiny part of Louis’ mind started waving red flags, because he had only gotten off around four times since this whole thing had began, as in it’s been months in between, and he’d almost always freaked out at the sight and feel of his own semen, so hmm, there was a pretty big chance this would end badly, but this felt so good and he didn’t want to think of bad things.

 

He shoved those thoughts away, and focused on Harry, only Harry, wow, Harry, Harry moaning, grunting, gasping, cursing, shuddering, the jerking motions of his hand, the way it occasionally rubbed against him, the numbing grip of Harry’s fingers on his waist…

 

It was amazing to see.

 

“Look at me, Harry.” Louis whispered, and Harry lifted his head up to meet Louis’ eyes, pupils so blown it was hard to see the green.

 

Louis wanted to touch him, but knew what he would feel if he did. Louis wanted to touch himself, but knew what would also happen if he did.

 

Again, he shoved those thoughts away, and watched Harry.

 

Beautiful Harry.

 

“Close.” Harry muttered, and Louis leaned forward to suck the skin of Harry’s neck.

 

The feel of Harry moaning, the vibration against his lips and tongue, was such a pleasure. Louis gripped Harry curls, tugging at them, and that did it.

 

Harry let out a long drawn out moan, his body seeming to spasm as he came, and Louis separated from Harry’s neck with a pop, enraptured by Harry’s face as the male fell apart. His head hit Louis’ shoulder again as he fought to catch his breath.

 

Harry shifted, taking his hand out of his boxers and the sirens in Louis’ mind went full throttle. Louis took one look at Harry’s soiled hand and shoved Harry back as hard as he could. Harry fell back with surprise and Louis was off and on the other side of the room in split second.

 

“Louis?” Harry asked, sitting up with wide eyes.

 

Louis clenched his eyes shut and frantically rubbed his suddenly sweaty palms against his pajama pants.

 

“Sorry, could you just…wash your hand? Please?” he asked, breathless.

 

Harry looked down at his hand and it clicked, what was happening. He got up, rushing to the kitchen sink and washing his hands thoroughly. When he was done, he carefully walked towards Louis, leaving a bit of space between them. Louis slowly opened his eyes, looked at Harry’s clean hands, and was able to breathe normally again.

 

“Sorry.” they both said suddenly, at the same time.

 

“Don’t apologize.” they said, again at the same time, before laughing softly.

 

“Are you alright?” Harry asked, and Louis nodded.

 

“Yea, I um, I can’t look at…cum. It um…”

 

The image of that stranger’s seed dripping down his leg flashed in his mind and he shook his head frantically.

 

“Louis?” Harry asked again, extremely worried.

 

“I don’t like seeing it. Or feeling it.”

 

Harry nodded slowly, and Louis sighed, feeling frustrated.

 

“It’s annoying, I know.”

 

“I’m not annoyed.” Harry said. “It…makes sense. I personally don’t get it completely, but um, you’ve been through something…horrifc, so…”

 

Harry had no idea how to comfort Louis like this, but he’d be damned if he didn’t try. Louis smiled softly.

 

“Thank you Harry. You’re always so understanding.” he mumbled, staring down at his bare feet.

 

He didn’t deserve a friend like Harry at all.

 

“Well…” Harry said, and Louis looked up at him. “I love you, so, it’d be pretty mean if I didn’t try, right?”

 

Louis’ smile widened. “I guess so.” he said in reply.

 

Harry sighed deeply.  “You still don’t get it.” he mumbled, and Louis frowned.

 

“What?” he asked, and Harry laughed lowly in response.

 

“I love you, Louis.” he repeated.

 

“I love you too?” Louis replied, and Harry moaned loudly, covering his face with his hands.

 

Louis felt like he was missing something important. “Harry, I’m sorry, I don’t get it.” He muttered nervously, stepping closer.

 

Harry didn’t say anything.

 

“Harry?” Louis asked softly, walking until he was directly in front of him. He reached his hands up to grip Harry’s forearms.

 

“I love you Louis.” Harry said again.

 

“I know, Harry.” Louis answered, and Harry laughed again.

 

“No, Louis. You really don’t.”

 

Louis opened his mouth to ask what Harry meant when there was a knock on the door before it was opened. Paul peered in.

 

“Oh, good, you’re up. We have fifteen minutes before we need to head out. Everything alright lads?”

 

They both nodded, and Paul shut the door behind him.

 

Louis turned back to Harry but he had his phone in hand.

 

“It’s 6:10.”

 

Oh. That’s why his mum wasn’t up yet.

 

“You wanna shower or just wait til later?” Harry asked, and Louis nodded.

 

“I’ll shower when we get back. That way I can scrub off the makeup and whatever before mum and I go…shopping.”

 

Harry perked up. “Oh, right. Do you mind if I come?” he asked, and Louis bit his lip.

 

“I dunno if mum wanted it to be a mum and son thing.” he said unsurely.

 

“Don’t be ridiculous boo.”

 

They both jumped to see Jay standing a few feet away.

 

“You know Harry and the other boys are family.” she said with a smile, heading to the kitchen.

 

“Morning mummy.” Louis said, smiling.

 

“Hey loves.”

 

“Nice pajama’s, mum.” giggled Harry, and Jay laughed. Looking at her Hello Kitty sleep clothes and slippers.

 

“Thanks darling. It was a Christmas gift from the twins. Now you two hurry up and get ready. I’ll make you a cuppa to drink before you go.”

 

They nodded.

 

“You can first.” said Harry, and Louis nodded, shuffling into the room and shutting the door behind him.

 

As soon as Louis was gone, Jay turned to Harry. Harry took a nervous step back.

 

“Be careful with him. He is fragile. He doesn’t look it at times, but trust me on this. He is so fragile, Harry.”

 

Harry nodded with wide eyes. “I will. I promise, I always will.”

 

“Good.”

 

She turned to the kettle.

.

.

.

 

Dressed and cuppas in hand, Harry and Louis lounged on the couch until there was a heavy pounding on the hotel room door.

 

“Lads? Time to go. Put your dicks away!” came Niall’s voice, and Jay opened the door with a raised eyebrow.

 

Niall screeched, turning red.

 

“Oh my God, Mrs. Tomlinson, I am so sorry, I forgot you were here!” he gasped out, mortified.

 

Liam and Zayn were collapsed on the ground behind him, hysterical. Paul sighed with his arms crossed, hiding a smile. Louis calmly sipped his tea while Harry choked on his.

 

“Oh, it’s fine.” she said with a laugh, walking back to take Harry and Louis’ drinks.

 

“I’ll see you later love.” she said, kissing Louis’ cheek.

 

They all headed out, Niall trailing behind them muttering, “Oh my God. I’m such a dumbass.”

.

.

.

 

Thankfully, there were refreshments when they got there, and the boys munched while their team shuffled around, getting things together. Sarah was already there, and Louis was getting used to seeing her take charge of the area whenever she was around.

 

He kind of liked her.

 

Tate was also there, using a lint roller on what looked like the pants Louis would be wearing. He bit his lip, looking to where Harry was chatting with Zayn, before getting up and heading over.

 

“Hi.” Louis said after a moment.

 

Tate jumped, whirling around to stare at Louis. Louis jumped in return.

 

“I was just gonna say sorry, for freaking out yesterday.”

 

Tate stared at him for a moment, before taking out his phone.

 

‘It’s fine. I get it.’

 

Louis read it, immediately puzzled.

 

What did he mean by that?

 

He was about to ask when Sarah walked over. “Good morning. Did you eat something?” she asked, and Louis nodded. “Lovely. So, I heard that you’re going baby shopping with your mum and possibly others?”

 

Louis nodded again.

 

“Alright. There will be extra security detail. In the future, if you can, can you give Paul or I the heads up so we can plan beforehand? Your safety is a priority, and you are still a daily trending topic. Next, we need to plan another meeting with your management. We’ve finally gotten a good tour schedule planned around your pregnancy, and I’ve heard there are other things we need to…discuss about the circumstances of your pregnancy.”

 

Louis just stared at her. He had a feeling he knew what she was talking about, and he was tired of telling this story. It was draining, and it made him feel…not right. He should have known that he couldn’t just tell it to those closest to him. He should have known it would be common knowledge to everyone on the ‘team’.

 

He couldn’t imagine what it would feel like if the whole world found out.

 

Nausea pooled within his belly and he swallowed thickly, knowing this was due to fear, not symptoms. Those days were behind him.

 

“Are you alright?” she asked, and he nodded.

 

“Bathroom.” was all he said, and Tate pointed it out.

 

Louis turned on his heel and walked there, forcing his expression to remain as pleasant as possible so people wouldn’t stop to ask if he was okay. He made it, and someone was on his side because it was a one person bathroom with a lock. He shut the door behind him, locking it, and staggered over to the wall.

 

He splayed his pals against the cool tile of the wall behind him, and breathed, in, and out, and wow, that wasn’t working, because on his next breath he retched and fell on his knees in front of the toilet.

 

There went whatever breakfast he’d managed to scarf down. He waited for a moment before vomiting again. He needed to calm down. This couldn’t happen here. Not with so many people around that he didn’t know.

 

This would be twice today that he had some sort of freak out and that was unacceptable. Why was he always so afraid? Why was this taking so long to get over? Why was he so weak?

 

He stood up on shaky legs, flushing the toilet and stumbled over to the sink. The water ran cold and he wet his hands, splashing water on his face and dabbing some on his neck before washing his mouth out as well.  He then stared at the mirror, practicing his, “I’m fine” face.

 

When that was satisfactory, Louis took a deep breath before walking back out into the room. His eyes immediately sought Harry, and again, someone must have been n his side because it looked like Harry had missed his brief absence.

 

 

He walked back over to Tate who was seated.

 

“Do you have a mint?” he asked, and Tate pulled out mint gum, handing him a piece.

 

“Thank you.” Louis mumbled, grabbing his clothes to change into and heading back to the bathroom.

 

He was fine.

 

_He was fine._

 

And if it seemed like Tate took extra care to make no skin to skin contact, he found no problem with it.

 

His vision blurred for a moment.

 

He was _fine._

.

.

.

 

Louis took back what he had thought yesterday, about preferring photo shoots to interviews. It was too hot. At least for an interview, he’d more likely be seated.

 

Again, the overhead lights were on what seemed to be the maximum setting, the constant flash of the camera left him dizzy, he was pretty hungry since he’d thrown everything up, and his mind was still reeling from the knowledge that he’d sooner rather than later have to tell all the assholes who’d made his life so much more difficult more often than not that he was a moron who’d managed to get raped.

 

Again, his vision blurred, and he took a deep breath.

 

He’d already had an incident yesterday.

 

Could he go one day without any show of weakness? Just one?

 

The makeup caked on his face had him feeling even warmer, and while he was thankful for the dark colors they had him in, dark enough that he sweat probably wouldn’t show, he’d also heard that dark colors attracted heat.

 

For a moment, everything around him moved in slow motion, and his hearing dimmed out. He clenched his fist, shaking his head slightly, and the feeling went away.

 

He was fine.

 

His heart was beating a little too fast, but he could deal with it.

 

He refused to be a burden. He just needed to get through this, and then he could head right back to the hotel, shower whatever this feeling was a way, and hopefully have a good time with his mum.

 

The room spun.

 

“Louis, if you could just move a little to the left?”

 

Louis blinked, the room was still again, and followed instructions.

 

The man behind the camera must have liked what he got because he continued to snap shots. The heat seemed to settle him and was nearly unbearble. Louis was a better actor than he gave himself credit for, was what he’d thought, until the cameraman happened to get a shot with his eyes rolled backwards.

 

“Catch him!” was what Louis heard before everything vanished.

.

.

.

 

As soon as Louis woke up, he started clumsily pulling at his blazer.

 

“Hot.” he mumbled dizzily, and someone helped him out of his jacket.

 

“Christ, he’s soaked!”

 

“Did you catch Dr. Minnie?”

 

“I’m on the phone with her now. Do we need to take him to hospital?”

 

“I’ve got his mum-

 

“Get him some water-

 

“A wet towel to help cool him down-

 

“Shut up.” Louis gasped out. There was too much happening and he needed a little bit of calm so he could himself could calm down as well.

 

He hated himself. Here he’d tried his absolute hardest to stand strong for just a few more moments, and he’d still managed to fail and mess everything up. He was hot, and he was tired, and again, he was a burden.

 

Someone helped him sit up, and he slowly opened his eyes. Harry was in front of him, before moving to the side. He yelped, shocked, as he was suddenly scooped into Harry’s arms and sat on a sofa. Before Louis had the chance to say anything, a phone was thrust into his hand.

 

‘Tell me your symptoms.’

 

Oh. It was his doctor.

 

“I’m um, dizzy, and hot. Really hot.” he mumbled, fanning himself with his hand.

 

Someone pressed a cold wet towel against the back of his neck and he sighed, getting a bit of relief.

 

‘Have you eaten anything?’ she asked.

 

Louis bit his lip. “Yeah, but I, um, threw it up.” he answered softly.

 

‘Hm. Can you think of a reason?’

 

“Yes.”

 

‘Can you tell me?’

 

“No.”

 

‘Would you tell me in private?’ she asked.

 

“Yea…maybe.”

 

Her sigh was audible over the phone. ‘I can’t help you if you don’t let me Louis. Can you let someone help you over to a private area?’

 

Louis looked around. People were everywhere, glancing over at him and talking amongst themselves. Harry was seated next to him on the sofa, staring unblinkingly at him, and Louis bit his lip again. The boys were a few feet away.

 

 

“Help me to the loo please?” he asked Harry, who frowned before nodding.

 

He got up, helping Louis stand and steadying him.

 

“I can carry you again.” Harry said, and Louis shook his head no.

 

It seemed everyone followed them there, whether with their eyes actually physically followed. When they got to the door, Louis stepped in and held his hand out for Harry to stop.

 

“I’m fine, just give me a minute.”

 

“Lou, you just fainted. Dead fainted.” Harry said, eyes dark with concern.

 

“Harry. Do you trust me?” Louis asked softly.

 

Harry stood still, watching him carefully, before nodding.

 

“I’ll be right out. I’m okay.” Louis mumbled, shutting the door.

 

Yes, Louis was a very good liar.

 

He brought the phone back up to his ear. “Hello?” he asked.

 

‘Tell me what happened.’

 

“Um, our new PR told me we had another meeting with management, and I might have to tell them what happened. I um…freaked out and threw up. Then we started the photo shoot.”

 

‘When did the dizziness start?’

 

“After I threw up. It kept coming and going.” he mumbled.

 

‘What about the heat.’

 

“Maybe an hour later?” he answered, unsure.

 

‘Alright. From what you’re telling me, the nausea and dizziness were most likely signs of an upcoming panic attack.’

 

Louis clenched his fists, sliding down the wall to sit on the floor.

 

“Okay…”

 

‘You also experienced what seems to be a mild heat flash, which are common in pregnancies. Heat flashes can be brought on by anxiety.’

 

She let that sink in, before continuing.

 

‘Along with you having little to no sustenance in your body, this was bound to happen. Louis, when you feel unwell, you have to tell someone. You have to let things slow down. I understand that it’s frustrating to always have to stop, or go at a different pace than you’re used too, but your body is working overtime to keep both you and the baby in the best shape possible. If you don’t cooperate, you are only hurting yourself and your son.’

 

His son. His baby. His _son_.

 

“Alright.” he answered, dazed.

 

‘You’ll be alright. But if anything happens again, and I mean anything, you tel someone and you call me.’

 

“Okay.” he whispered.

 

‘Hand someone else the phone please.’ she asked, and Louis stood up carefully, walking somewhat numbly to the door.

 

He opened and Harry was there. He wordlessly handed Harry the phone, before leaning against the door frame and closing his eyes.

 

Soon after, he was lead to another seat. A bar of chocolate was pressed into his hands, and a bottle of water. He munched on the chocolate, and his energy slowly returned, before he greedily drank the water. He was still hungry, but at least the dizziness had faded.

 

A fan was blowing in front of him to help him deal with the heat, and he eventually faded as well.

 

And that had been a _mild_ heat flash.

 

Sarah showed up.

 

“So, this was a bit of a mess, but this is a learning process. Tate says he makes your clothes light enough to prevent this sort of thing, or to at least make it easier on you, so the overhead lights were clearly a factor. The other boys were sweating too but it will clearly have a heavier effect on you. Next time, this won’t happen. But the next time you’re feeling unwell, you tell me when I ask. We need to be on the same page.”

 

Louis nodded.

 

“Good. Luckily, they got some great shots before everything went downhill. You’re done here. You guys can change and head out. Now, the rest of you, I have these lovely confidentiality agreements for you to sign. Line up. Don’t worry, I have pens.”

 

Tate appeared with his clothes.

 

Louis ignored everyone around him, grabbed his clothes, and went back to the bathroom to change.

.

.

.

The car ride back to the hotel was a mix between reassuring everyone that he was alright and that he’d eat back at the hotel, and absolute hatred towards himself for messing things up again.

 

It was always his fault.

.

.

.

 

By the time they arrived back at the hotel, Louis’ mood was horrid. He wordlessly stepped out of the van, and the boys glanced between each other nervously as they headed back to Harry and Louis’ room.

 

His mum was on the couch, and now that he thought about it, it’d been pretty dirty of them to use the common seating area as a spot to get hot and heavy, but there was another time for him to think about whatever the hell that’d been in the first place, so he shoved that away, like he seemed to be doing all to often as of late.

 

“Louis! Are you-

 

“I’m fine,” he interrupted, feeling bad about how quickly he’d shut her down but he just couldn’t, and he wanted his shower.

 

He made a beeline to the room when Harry called his name.

 

“Wait, Lou. You need to eat something. Let’s call room service.”

 

Louis sighed, turning back to face the group in annoyance.

 

“I will, after I shower.” Louis answered, tone frigid.

 

Liam opened his mouth, most likely to agree with Harry, but the look Louis leveled him with must have been something fierce, because Liam’s jaw snapped shut audibly.

 

“Lou-

 

“Harry, I swear to everything. Room service takes at least twenty minutes. That’s more than enough time for me to clear away the sweat that literally settled on me like a second skin. I more than deserve this shower.”

 

Harry glared back. “I just want you to be safe, Louis. You don’t have to tell me off for it.”

 

“And _you_ don’t need to tell me what to do.”

 

“So what, I can’t suggest you do something that mght be good for your health?”

 

“How on earth is a shower not good for my health?”

 

“You’re low on energy with no food in your stomach. What if you faint in the shower?”

 

“Then listen closely, press your head to the bathroom door for all I care, or holler at me every five minutes just in case I’ve bust my brains open on the shower floor and I’m drowning in my own filth, and then, perhaps, sniff my hopefully scrubbed clean arsehole since you’re already half way there.” Louis spat angrily, before stomping to the bedroom door and slamming it shut.

 

Him gathering his clothes for his shower passed in a blur, and before long, he was finally under the cool spray. He soaped himself up, scrubbing quickly, shampooing, and conditioning, wanting to be done with that as soon as possible so he could just stand and think.

 

Time passed like that, his eyes closed, zoning in and out. He waited for the anger to fade, but it took its sweet time. Everything he felt was multiplied, it seemed, maybe due to the hormones, or maybe trauma.

 

The life of an idiot who’d made himself an easy target. An easy victim.

 

“Louis.”

 

Louis opened his eyes to see the outline of Harry through frosted shower door design. Louis opened the door, peering out.

 

“Came to check if I was still alive?” Louis asked, annoyance more than obvious.

 

Harry shrugged. “I knocked three times. You didn’t answer.”

 

Louis blinked. He hadn’t heard anything.

 

“It’s also been over half an hour.” Harry added.

 

Louis frowned. His head was not right today. No. His head wasn’t right, ever. He shrugged, giving off a whatever vibe.

 

“Well, thanks for checking in. You can go now.”

 

“You need to eat.” Harry replied.

 

“And I will. When I’m done.”

 

“You’ve had more than enough time to scrub. I ordered chicken parm for you. So let’s go.”

 

Louis laughed. “You’re still telling me what to do.”

 

“I’m suggesting it.” Harry replied, and yes, Louis definitely caught the attitude in his voice as well.

 

“What a forceful ‘suggestion’ this is then, huh.”

 

Harry stood up. “Damn it Louis, I’m trying to help you.”

 

“I don’t want your help, Harry. Not right now.”

 

Harry laughed, the sound harsh against the sound of the water pelting the shower tile. “You don’t get to choose when my help is offered.”

 

Louis snorted. “When something is offered, the other person has the right to accept and refuse it. When I want your help, I’ll take it.”

 

He moved to shut the glass door but Harry placed his hand in the way. “What’s so bad about my help right now Louis, that you want to refuse it? Is it the part where I’m concerned about your health? Because I really don’t see the problem with me wanting you to freaking eat something so you don’t faint again. Enlighten me.”

 

Louis wanted to hit something. “I’m tired of needing help. I’m tired of you wasting your time with me, always there when you have your own life to worry about. You don’t always have to be the one to pick me up-

 

“I’m telling you that I don’t mind. I want to help you, Louis, so let me-

 

“Leave me alone Harry-

 

“You nearly bled to death in my arms!” Harry shouted suddenly.

 

Louis froze.

 

“I found you bleeding out on the bathroom floor and I thought you were going to die! I thought I was going to lose you! My life felt like it was ending while I watched you keeled over in so much pain, blood seeping all over you and me and the floor! I was so scared, Louis, and there was nothing I could do to help! You cry in your sleep, all the time. You have so many nightmares. I sit there and I listen to you sob and I can’t do anything to help. You’re so afraid, and you’re in so much pain and there is literally almost nothing I can do. You fainted today. You just dropped and I barely caught you. It was a miracle I caught you. We couldn’t get a response out of you for a minute. A full minute went by with your eye lids fluttering and there was nothing I could do but watch! That man…took something from you, and left a shell of you in his wake, left a baby in you that you don’t even know you love, left so much pain, and pain, a you hate yourself, I know you do, I can see it, and there is nothing I can do to help! But I will try! I will always try! I won’t stop trying! I will do ANYTHING to try and make this better for you! Please don’t tell me you want me to stop, because I can’t! I can’t stop! I have too, Louis. You’re my heart, and I need you, and I love you! I want everything to be okay! I want you to be okay! You are what matters to me, and I love you so much! I’m so in love with you I can barely stand it-

 

As soon as those words, that specific last sentence burst from Harry’s mouth, he stopped yelling, and Louis swore his heart stopped beating.

 

Harry stared down at him with wide eyes, hand releasing the shower door to shakily cover his mouth, looking like he wished he could stuff the words back in.

 

_“I’m so in love with you I can barely stand it!”_

Those words went around and around in Louis’ head, the splattered against the walls like paint, they seeped into his soul, stained his skin like tattoos, burned themselves into heart…

 

“I-no I…” Harry gasped out, and Louis couldn’t do anything, say anything, think anything, other than those words and the boy staring wide-eyed at him.

 

Louis wasn’t even sure if he was still functioning.

 

_“I’m so in love with you I can barely stand it!”_

Harry shook his head, and Louis just stared. What else could he do but stare?

 

Harry couldn’t love him. Not him, not him who was messed up, not him who was dirty, filthy. Not him who was stupid, not him who was knocked up, not him, who slowly losing his mind…

 

Not him. Not him…

 

_“I’m so in love with you I can barely stand it!”_

“No.” Louis whispered, in disbelief.

 

Harry’s face crumpled, and Louis was sure he’d never forget the hurt that crossed it before Harry bolted.

 

Louis wanted to scream. Harry had just laid himself bare and Louis had…

 

Louis didn’t know…

 

Louis couldn’t, he couldn’t…

 

His mother rushed into the bathroom just as Louis slid to the shower floor, cold water pelting his skin. She hurriedly shut off the water and wrapped a towel around him to preserve some modesty.

 

“Louis?” she asked carefully, trying to get his attention as he stared wide-eyed ahead.

 

“He can’t be in love with me, mummy.” he whispered.

 

“Why baby? Why can’t he?”

 

“Because I’m not good enough.” he answered, and it seemed all the tears he’d thought he’d run out of came flooding back full force.

 

_“I’m so in love with you I can barely stand it!”_

He thought about earlier that day, when Harry had told him he didn’t get it.

 

No, he hadn’t understood at all.

Louis’ heart hurt.

 

It hurt a lot.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :'(


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: mentions of non-con, slurs

Louis allowed himself to cry for ten minutes. Only ten minutes, because if he kept going he’d never stop. He then asked his mum to leave so he could fix himself up and get dressed. She left reluctantly but he needed a bit more time to try and get himself together.

 

His fingers traced the countertop Harry had been leaning against, before he shook his head and towel dried his hair messily, rubbing on a bit of lotion, and pulling on his clothes.

 

Lastly, he surveyed himself in the mirror. His eyes were red rimmed and tiny bags were under them, his skin was peaky, his stomach was doing back flips, he was a tad but exhausted…

 

Pretty good for a guy carrying a stranger’s baby, getting judged by the world for it, having random panic attacks and hot flashes, slowly moving into what seemed like a high risk pregnancy, feeling like his mind was steadily coming undone, under pressure by those ‘in charge’ to be better when he was positive this mess he was was as good as it was going to get, whose best friend just told him he was in love with him, which Louis in turn totally messed up by being a crybaby nutcase…

 

Louis thought he looked pretty good under those circumstances. He took a deep breath and walked out of the bathroom. Jay was seated on the bed.

 

“I don’t want to talk about it, mum, please. I just want to eat something, and then the two of us can go on this shopping trip or whatever.” Louis said.

 

She stared at Louis for a while, before nodding. “Alright.” she answered.

 

Louis walked back out of the room. Niall and Liam were missing, as was Harry.

 

Harry…

 

Zayn was seated at the kitchen island. Louis sat across from him, popping a pill and swinging his feet back and forth.

 

“So, what happened-

 

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

 

Zayn snorted. “Louis, let me tell you something.”

 

Louis looked up.

 

“You don’t want to talk about anything. Ever.”

 

“And that’s my choice.” Louis answered, tired enough that he could sleep forever but willing to once again, defend his right to make his own decisions.

 

“How’s that working out for you? Keeping everything inside?”

 

Louis opened his mouth to reply, but stopped short.

 

“You really think you’re going to regain control by never talking about what happened to you, ever?”

 

Louis didn’t want to hear this. He grabbed his food, taking off the cover and messing with it wish his fork.

 

“I’ll be fine.” Louis mumbled.

 

“And what is your version of fine? Constant panic attacks, fainting spells, nightmares, trembling, and fear?”

 

Louis looked up again.

 

“Because there is nothing ‘fine’ about that. That’s torture. Fine was what you were before this happened. That ‘fine’ is gone. Something horrible happened to you. But you can definitely be better than you are now.”

 

Louis forced himself to start eating, because he was losing his appetite rapidly but he needed the food.

 

“How long are you going to hurt yourself before enough is enough?” Zayn asked.

 

“I…I’m not hurting myself.”

 

“Yes you are.”

 

Louis set his fork down. “Is this because of Harry?”

 

“Screw Harry. I don’t give a damn about Harry right now. This is about you. Harry doesn’t want to lay it down for you because he’s too in love with you to be as real as he needs to be right now. He’s a little blinded. Your mum doesn’t want to be as real as she should be because you’re her son, and there are tons of complications behind that. Niall hates situations like this. He can’t handle it, and he shuts down. Liam freaks out to me every night because he doesn’t know what to do. The man with the plan is out of ideas and out of his league. Which leaves me, since El and Dani don’t see you every day and you don’t text or call enough as you should be. Yea, I’ve been trying to keep up.” Zayn said, shrugging.

 

He took out a cigarette and rolled it between his fingers.

 

“So that leaves me. And here’s what I’ve thought, after quite a few sleepless nights worrying more for you than you do yourself.”

 

Louis’ hands started to shake.

 

“You want a choice, yea? And I really think that makes sense, because that’s something that was taken from you, brutally.”

 

Louis flinched.

 

“But you’re running out of time to make that choice.”

 

Louis’ breathing sped up.

 

“You’re not getting better, Louis. Time isn’t healing any of your wounds. They’re only festering. And the way I see it, you’re going to break.”

 

Louis’ eyes watered.

 

“Somebody else will then be in charge of you, until you get the help you need. So either way, you’re going to have to talk to somebody. Whether it be you walking in there yourself, or carried in on a stretcher.”

 

Louis didn’t know what to say.

 

“And if that happens, I’ll let them, and I’ll make sure everyone else around you let’s them too.”

 

Louis just stared.

 

“Because you getting better, you getting the help you really need, that matters more to me than you hating me for the rest of your life.” Zayn mumbled, before standing up and walking around the table. “Now eat up.”

 

He took Louis face in his hands and placed a soft kiss on his forehead, before leaning down and placing another kiss on Louis’ stomach.

 

“I love you, Louis.” he said softly, then turning to walk out.

 

Louis finished his meal slowly, Zayn’s word and Harry’s confession running through his mind.

.

.

.

 

Harry was seated on the roof, Liam beside him on one side and Niall on the other. None of them said anything. None of them knew what to say really.

 

What was there to say?

 

They’d heard everything, and while the two had suspected that Harry had a thing for Louis, and perhaps vice versa, they certainly hadn’t expected it to be so deep, and for it to come out like that.

 

The sound of the door opening caught their attention and they all turned to see Zayn walk out. He walked to the ledge and lit a cigarette. The breeze caused the smoke to waft over in the rest of the boys’ direction, and Harry found himself standing, walking to join Zayn.

 

“Can I have one?” he asked after a while.

 

“For your pity party?”

 

Harry laughed sadly. “Yea.”

 

Zayn handed him the cigarette, and the two passed it back and forth.

 

“You didn’t think he would say yes, did you?” asked Zayn.

 

Harry sighed. “I don’t know what I expected to be honest. I don’t even know why I blurted it out.”

 

He coughed after a particularly long drag and Zayn patted him on the back before taking the cigarette back.

 

“Yea, that was pretty stupid.” Zayn agreed, and Harry crossed his on the concrete barrier, resting his head atop them.

 

“I don’t know what to do.” Harry whispered.

 

“There’s nothing you really can do. None of us really.” Zayn replied, staring at the smoke drifting up. “We’re all barely adults, Harry. None of us knows how to make this right. We don’t…we’re not specialists. And Harry.”

 

“Hm?”

 

“You do know that your love isn’t going to fix Louis, right?”

 

Harry peered up at him.

 

“Say he comes running into your arms, yea? Say he says he loves you back, like that, and whatever. He’s still sick. Love isn’t a cure.”

 

Harry put his head back down. “He is sick, isn’t he?”

 

Zayn sighed. “We need to get him to make the choice to talk someone before it’s too late.”

 

“Too late?” Harry asked, looking up at Zayn again.

 

“I told him a few minutes ago. He’s getting worse, and if he doesn’t get help then he’s going to get to a place where he won’t have the choice to say no anymore. He wants everything to be his choice but he’s not making any of the right ones, or he just doesn’t make any at all and drifts around. He’s not okay, Harry. And your love for him is not going to be some magical cure all remedy. He needs to talk to someone who knows how to deal with stuff like this.”

 

Harry let those words marinate in his head for a bit, feeling worse and worse as the time went by.

 

“I just want him to be okay.” Harry said, voice breaking off into a sob.

 

“We all do.” Zayn replied, pulling Harry close.

.

.

.

 

Louis felt like someone extremely important as he walked around the shopping center with what looked to be around twelve security guards from what he could see, just for him and his mother.

 

They’d chosen a place that was normally a little less quiet instead of a mega mall or something like that. There were a few people milling around and staring, but his security kept a sharp eye out, asking people to keep the photo-taking to a minimum.

 

Still, Louis was a little out of his league, not knowing where to start. Jay picked up on his discomfort and took his hands.

 

“Alright love, we can start with something simple. Want to do clothes first?”

 

Louis nodded.

 

“Okay. C’mon then.”

 

The two walked into a baby clothing store. Louis carefully browsed the aisles, looking at the tiny articles of clothing, some with cheeky quotes stitched on them, others in soft pastel colors, little hats, tiny booties, onesies, even some with bad logos.

 

Staring at all of these things designed for babies…babies like the one growing in him, made this even more real.

 

Whatever he brought here would be worn by his actual, living, baby in just a few months time. He turned to his mother.

 

“I don’t want ot be here. I changed my mind.” he said, keeping his tone as bland as possible.

 

“That’s fine.” she said, noting the shaking in his hands, and led the two of them out of the store. “Let’s get ice cream then. Is that alright?” she asked.

 

He nodded. They sat down at a table and he told her what he wanted. “I’ll be right back boo.” she said

 

He watched as she walked, before sighing and looking around. He spotted a group of girls watching him, and he watched them being herded off by security. He motioned to Paul who was standing nearby.

 

“You need anything?” Paul asked as soon as he walked over.

 

“Yea, can you tell them that those girls can come over? It’s fine. There are only three of them.” he mumbled, adjusting the beanie on his head.

 

Paul frowned down at him for a moment before nodding, speaking into the walkie talkie. The girls gasped and jumped around excitedly, before quickly calming down and walking over. When they got there, they stood around nervously before one of them finally spoke up.

 

“Hi Louis. We um…we made these for you.”

 

Louis looked over at the small bags they each had. “How did you know I’d be here?”

 

Another one looked down at the floor guiltily. “Um, my mum works in the mall. These two are my best friends, so…”

 

“Oh.” he answered.

 

They gave him the bags and he opened one carefully, pulling out a tiny knitted pink sweater. The second bag held a small knitted green hat and the third one, little knitted blue socks. All of them had a small stick also added that read, ‘Knit for Louis’.

 

He blinked, staring down at the clothing before slowly looking up at the girls. “You made these for me?” he asked softly.

 

“Yea, um, remember the girl a little while back who made you the onesie? Well, we all kind of liked it and you looked like you liked it too, so a whole bunch of us decided to make you things. It’s um, called Knit for Louis. Do you like them?”

 

“I…yes, they’re lovely, thank you. How…how many of you are doing this?”

 

They blushed. “Um, there’s a twitter, and a facebook. On twitter I think there are  like, twelve thousand so far, and on facebook there are tons of likes and stuff, and people take pictures of what they make.” one answered.

 

Louis looked over to where his mum was standing, and she was on the phone. He looked back at the girls. “Do you want to sit? My mum will be back in a bit and I want to show her.

 

“Yes!” they screamed, before toning it down. “Sorry, yes.”

 

“What are your names?” he asked, sitting up.

 

“Clara.”

 

“Melanie.”

 

“Trish.”

 

“Could you show me the twitter then?” he asked, taking out his phone.

 

The four of them leaned over his phone, and Louis scrolled down the page, coming across picture after picture of all the lovely things fans had knitted for him and his baby. He literally couldn’t believe it.

 

“And you all make these by yourselves?”

 

“Yup!”

 

“This is amazing.”

 

He looked back up at his mum who was off the phone and looked like she was getting their ice cream orders. He then stared down at the gifts laid carefully across the tabletop, and slowly trailed his finger down the pink sweater, feeling the soft material.

 

“I’m gonna follow them.” he mumbled, before adding, “And you guys too. Tell me your twitters.”

 

The three told him excitedly, and Louis felt a little pocket of happiness shine through, that there were so many people out there that cared about him, and that he could still make people so happy in return.

 

“Louis, love, what’s all this?”

 

He looked up to see Jay standing at the table with their ice creams.

 

“Mummy, look at what they made me! Baby things, they call it Knit for Louis!”

 

Jay gasped, taking a seat beside Louis and looking over the gifts.

 

“Ladies, these are lovely.”

 

She looked over at Louis, happy to see a smile on his face. A genuine smile, too rare as of late.

 

It was radiant.

.

.

.

 

“Alright. Jay’s in the know.” said Eleanor, putting her phone down.

 

“How are we going to do this then?” Harry asked tiredly, head flopping onto Zayn’s shoulder.

 

“What we need to try, I think, is not making Louis do anything, but like, strongly advising it. Tell him the pros, the cons…” Danielle suggested, and the group nodded.

 

“So like, what, we all talk to him one on one?” Niall asked.

 

Liam nodded. “I think that would be better than crowding him.” he added.

 

“Definitely.” said Eleanor. “Louis has never liked being made to do anything. He’s always been headstrong, and I think if we come at him in a group it’ll backfire.”

 

“We shouldn’t tell management.” Harry mumbled, and they all turned to him. “I mean, I don’t know how much they know about what happened to Louis, because Paul knows, but like, about him and therapy or whatever, they’ll make him do it and won’t listen at all. They’re really mean with how they go about things.”

 

Zayn held his hand.

 

“What if they suggest it first though?” asked Niall.

 

“Well, let’s hope they’ll be nice about it. If not, then you tell them that the whole point of this is to not force him. Forceful behavior is what started this whole thing.” Danielle replied, and the whole room went quiet at the thought of that.

 

Harry squeezed Zayn’s hand tighter.

 

“Okay. So we all try to talk to Louis different times. Whenever this meeting with management comes up, we try to limit the damage. And hopefully, sometime soon, Louis decides to get the help he needs.” said Liam, going over the plan.

 

The group nodded.

 

“Let’s hope it works.”

.

.

.

 

Harry and Eleanor were up on the roof, the most private place they could think of for the moment. It was later, and the wind that blew was much cooler than before. Eleanor shivered lightly, zipping up her light jacket.

 

“I told him I was in love with him.” Harry said, starting the conversation.

 

Eleanor processed that, sighing softly. “And how did that go?” she asked.

 

“Pretty bad. He um, we were arguing, and I just blurted it out. He really had no idea. And then he said no.”

 

“No?” Eleanor asked, turning to face him.

 

“He said, ‘no’, literally, and I…ran.”

 

Eleanor frowned.

 

“He said it like it was the worst thing that could have happened to him.” Harry said sadly.

 

“Harry…we both know that that’s not the case.” she said, and Harry nodded.

 

“I know. It just hurts, and it’s dumb that I can even think about hurting when Louis hurts more, but the pain is still…it sucks.”

 

“What are you going to do?” she asked.

 

“’I’m not going to press him for any type of answer or reply. I’m going to apologize for making him uncomfortable.”

 

Eleanor nodded. “I think that would be okay. I just, I can’t even imagine what his head must be like right now.”

 

“I just want him to be okay.” Harry said, a thought and sentence he found himself repeating almost all the time.

 

“We’ll never stop trying.” she replied, taking his hand with a soft smile.

.

.

.

 

Louis arrived back at the hotel, gift bags in hand. Jay walked in after him and shut the door, going to the kitchen.

 

“Cuppa?” she asked, and he nodded, walking to the room.

 

Harry was lying on the bed, and sat up when Louis walked in. They looked each other over, before Harry spoke.

 

“Hey.”

 

Louis didn’t answer. Harry sighed softly. “Can we talk? About what happened earlier? Please?”

 

It was kind of the last thing Louis wanted to do, but found himself nodding anyways, walking over the bed and sitting down.

 

Harry took a breathe before talking. “I just want to say sorry.”

 

Louis’ eyes widened and he turned to face Harry fully. He hadn’t expected that at all.

 

“Why?” he asked.

 

“I didn’t mean to lay all that on you. You don’t need anything else to stress over and it was…it was selfish, and I’m sorry.”

 

Louis shook his head. “No Harry, you’re not…you’re not selfish. I…I just don’t understand why you would fall in love with me. I’m not-I’m not a good person to…” he stopped talking and placed his hands over his face, breathing deeply.

 

How could Harry be in love with someone like him, a person who looked at themselves and found nothing but hatred for everything they saw?

 

Louis didn’t want to talk about this, he didn’t want to, he didn’t want to…

 

He removed his hands and grabbed one of the bags, shakily pulling out the sweater and handing it to Harry.

 

“Look what some fans gave me today.” he said, and Harry stared at Louis for a while before carefully taking the garment from his hand.

 

He placed them on the bed beside him. “Louis, I’m not trying to force you to talk to me, okay?”

 

Louis said nothing, instead looking away.

 

Harry thought about what the group had talked about earlier while Louis had been out, and decided to push past the fear of possibly getting Louis more upset.

 

“But I think…you should talk to somebody. Like, a professional.”

 

Louis met Harry’s eyes, the blues in them standing sharp against the pallor of his skin.

 

“Would you let them take me away, if they said I was crazy?” Louis asked, and Harry frowned.

 

“You’re not-

 

“But if they said I was-

 

“I don’t think that’s what they’d say, Louis. So please stop thinking that. You’re not.”

 

Louis thought for a moment, pulling out another one of the gifts, the hat this time, staring down at it.

 

“Then, if they pronounced me mentally unsound. Would you let them take me away?” he asked again.

 

Harry didn’t answer for a moment, and Louis looked up at them.

 

“You’d let them take me away?” he asked softly, tone wavering.

 

Harry’s eyes watered. “I don’t want it to come to that, Louis. All I know is that you’re not…you’re not okay. You’re really not okay, and you’re not getting any better.”

 

Louis left the room.

 

.

.

.

 

The following week was a whirlwind of activity. Constant interviews, promo appearances, signings, photo shoots, along with nightmares, random bouts of dizziness, breathlessness, and overall terror left Louis in a near perpetual state of exhaustion.

 

After he and Harry spoke, he’d kind of just, tuned him out. He wasn’t avoiding him he really wasn’t, but whatever closeness they’d had seemed to be at a standstill. He didn’t know how to act around Harry right now.

 

It was frustrating.

 

Everything was frustrating.

 

He missed his mum, but there was no way she could have stayed longer. She had a life, she had to take care of the girls, she had a job. She couldn’t keep watching over him all the time.

 

He’d also noticed that his brothers had all at some point started speaking to him about consulting a therapist or some sort of special treatment, each resulting in Louis just leaving.

 

Whenever they brought it up, which was becoming more and more often, he’d just get up and leave. He didn’t want to talk about it, so he left. But their words would always play over and over again in his mind, like Harry’s confession.

 

_“I’m so in love with you I can barely stand it!”_

 

He blinked out of his trance when a cup of tea appeared before him. He took it carefully, taking a small sip.

 

“Thank you.” said Louis, and Tate nodded before walking to a back room, returning with a suit.

 

Louis was at Tate’s place while the rest of the boys were with Lou, getting their suits the final adjustments before the award show they were attending and performing at the tomorrow.

 

“Do you want me to try it on?” Louis asked, taking another sip, and shook his head, instead motioning for him to stand up.

 

Louis placed his cup down and carefully stood, while Tate walked around him in a small circle, looking back and forth between Louis and the suit. He stopped behind Louis, staring a bit longer, and Louis took a careful breath before Tate walked away, nodding with a thumbs up.

 

“So everything is ready then?” Louis asked and Tate nodded with a soft smile, placing the suit in a tan suit cover and handing it to Louis.

 

There was a sudden thump from upstairs and Tate looked up with an expression Louis had never seen on his face before.

 

“Um, is everything alright?” Louis asked, and Tate nodded, somewhat frantically. “Okay, well thank you again. You’ve been a great help.”

 

Tate turned to him with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

 

“Bye.” Louis said, quickly walking out.

 

.

.

.

 

They were in the limo about two minutes from the red carpet. As usual, nerves were a little high, especially now that this was another major televised performance while Louis was pregnant.

 

It didn’t help much that Louis wasn’t really talking to any of the boys at the moment. He was more than a little fed up with them and their teamwork into his going for therapy.

 

So he just stopped talking to them.

 

And of course, it only seemed to add to his feeling worse abut himself.

 

Everything made him feel worse.

 

They heard the screams as they parked before the red carpet, and they all took a deep breath before the door was opened and they stepped out, Louis first, the rest of the boys following.

 

The flash of the cameras was blinding as usual, and it took Louis a second to get his bearing before they were led over to take group pictures and pose for the paparazzi and the like who had shown up.

 

“Alright boys, c’mon over here for a little chat.” said a blonde interviewer, and they headed over.

 

“How are you all feeling tonight?” she asked.

 

“Lovely.” Liam replied, taking that question. “We’re all glad to be here, and thankful for the awards we’ve been nominated for. It’s always a great feeling knowing how liked our music is, that we could be in categories with so many big name artists out there.”

 

She nodded, smile stretched a little too wide to be considered normal.  “Right, and Louis, I’ve got a question for you.”

 

Louis braced himself.

 

“How does it feel to have been voted Hottest Daddy to Be?”

 

His jaw dropped. “What-

 

Sarah appeared from nowhere. “Alright, that’s enough questions, thank you. The boys need to get seated.”

 

.

.

.

 

They were now back stage, ready to head out to perform, and Liam gathered them all in a circle.

 

“Guys, I know things are a little tense between us, but for the 5 minutes we’re out there, let’s put that aside, yea. Give the crowd a show, like we always do.”

 

“Hell yea.” Niall replied, holding his hand out.

 

Liam placed his on top, then Zayn, and Harry, and they all turned to Louis, who smiled softly and added his to the pile. He locked eyes with Harry, who gave him a soft smile in return.

 

A few seconds later they were on stage, singing with everything they had.  

.

.

.

 

“And the winner is, of course, One Direction!”

 

They all jumped up and embraced each other, and for that split second, Louis reveled in the feeling of being wrapped up in all of his boys’ arms, before they separated and walked to the stage.

 

Lam spoke first, before passing the mic to Harry who passed it to Louis.

 

“Um, thank you guys so much for your continued support. Also, thanks to Knit for Louis who’ve made some of the nicest things. We all appreciate-

 

“Faggot!”

 

Louis flinched before looking down at the crowd.

 

“You’re all a bunch of faggots, especially the knocked up one! Gonna bend it over for me too!?”

 

Louis’ hands immediately went to his stomach, as if he could shield the words from his baby when suddenly Harry was walking over to where the guy was standing, Zayn and Liam following.

 

Louis gasped as the guy actually threw a punch at Harry and Harry _actually hit him back_. There was a flurry of movement as Louis rushed to stop whatever was happening. Three of his boys were screaming at the man and Niall wrapped his arms around Louis to stop him from interfering.

 

“Let them defend you.” Niall said, sounding furious.

 

Louis stared in fascination. Harry had never looked so angry. None of them had.

 

He was…touched.

 

Paul appeared along with a few other security detail, each having to lift the boys off the ground and carry them backstage so they wouldn’t attempt to run after the guy who was being ‘gently’ escorted out of the room.

 

Louis and Niall were still on stage, the other three now back stage but still close enough that he could hear them yelling. Louis turned to face the crowd. Niall took the mic.

 

“So, yea, that was wild, but we’d again like to thank all the fans for being so fuc-freakin’ awesome!”

 

Niall then ran over to where they’d placed the award they’d won, grabbing it, before taking Louis’ hand and walking with him off the stage.

 

There was chaos in the back. Liam and Zayn were arguing with Sarah, Paul was yelling into his phone, something about getting that guy as far from the arena as possible or he’d be the one to hit him next, and a medic was wiping at a bruise on Harry’s lip.

 

As soon as Niall and Louis were in the back, all attention turned to Louis.

 

“I’m fine, honest. Just a little shaken but I’m alright. Just give me some space, please.”

 

They backed off and he walked over to Harry. The other boys followed.

 

“Thank you. For fighting for me.” Louis whispered, giving them all a kiss on the cheek, Harry’s a little longer.

 

It never stopped surprising him, how far his boys would go for him.

.

.

.

 

“Mum, I swear, I’m alright.” Louis said over the phone.

 

They’d decided it was best to leave the award show, and were being driven back to the hotel.

 

‘You should have seen us all Louis, I was getting ready to pack all of us up into the van to head on down. I’ve never heard Lottie curse so much, Fizzy started beating up the couch pillows and the twins burst into tears!’ Jay exclaimed, and Louis laughed.

 

“Mum, you don’t need to come back. I promise I’m-

 

“Boys, we’re making a u-turn. The team called an emergency meeting and we’re heading there instead of the hotel.” Paul said with a frown.

 

Louis heart dropped. “I’m fine mummy.” he finished weakly. “I’ll-I’ll call you later.”

 

He hung up and ignored the stares of the boys around him.

 

Whatever good feelings he’d had vanished at the thought of another meeting he was sure he wasn’t prepared for.

.

.

.

 

“What the hell was that!” screamed Will the moment they walked in.

 

Louis jumped and staggered back into Harry’s arms, who steadied him with a worried glance.

 

“We weren’t going to let that asshole get away with saying that to Louis.” Zayn replied, flopping into an empty chair.

 

“Oh, and yelling and fighting him like a bunch of thugs on national television was the best solu-

 

“Mate, he was really crude. I would have went after him too but I didn’t want to leave Louis up there.” Niall interrupted, and Will glared.

 

“your image is already messed up.” Will seethed. “We don’t need to promote violence along with young and single pregnancies.”

 

Louis bit his lip from where he was seated, and Harry reached over to grab his hand.

 

“There was no way we were going to let that slide.”

 

Will rolled his eyes and banged on the table angrily.

 

“Harry, do you realize you are one of the band favorites. Louis was already the least favored in the band, so him screwing up wasn’t the biggest surprise, but you can’t affo-

 

“Are you out of your mind?” Liam asked suddenly. “What the hell are you talking about least favored? People love Louis. Don’t walk about him like that-

 

“Or what? You’ll punch me in the face too?”

 

“Oh, yea, I’d love to take you up on that offer.” spat Zayn, standing up.

 

“Enough!”

 

They all turned to see Sarah waltz in. “What’s happened has happened. Now we need to work on damage control.”

 

“Damage control.” Will repeated, mockingly. “How can we possibly fix this? How can we possibly fix any of this? Everything was going so well until Louis went and got-

 

The room exploded again, and Louis sank back in his chair, trying to breathe. His head was spinning, because again, this was his fault, it was always his fault, when he hadn’t meant for any of this to happen in the first place.

 

He didn’t mean it.

 

He didn’t mean for this to happen.

 

He’d just been at a club, like always, and this…

 

All of this was just so unexpected, so wrong, so so wrong and it was all his fault.

 

He didn’t mean it.

 

He really didn’t mean to keep messing everything up.

 

Now Harry looked like the bad guy, now all his boy’s had a tarnished image, and it was his fault, but he didn’t mean it.

 

He didn’t…

 

“I didn’t mean for this to happen!”

 

The room was shocked to silence as the words burst forth from Louis’ mouth. Louis was standing, gripping the edge of the table and breathing as if he were about to run out of air.

 

“I didn’t mean for this, I didn’t, I didn’t even want to have sex with him but he wouldn’t stop, he wouldn’t stop and it, it never stops, you never stop-

 

Louis closed his mouth and took a long, drawn out breath, before opening his eyes and looking around the room. The management team, Will and all, looked horrified.

 

“I’m leaving,” Louis said, “You all can argue and whatever, but I don’t want to… can’t be here, right now. I’m calling a cab and I’ll go back to the hotel.” he added, and walked out of the room, feeling numb.

 

He walked down the hall and was about to get on the lift when he heard Harry.

 

“Louis wait!”

 

Louis turned around. “I know you want to comfort me Harry, but I just, I need to be alone, just for a little while, all right? I’ll be at the hotel.

 

Harry walked closer and Louis held his hands up.

 

“I’ll see you later, Harry.” he whispered, and walked into the lift.

.

.

.

 

“Can you wait here for me?” Louis asked the cab driver, and the man nodded.

 

Louis got out, heading up to his room. There, he grabbed his car keys and walked back out to the cab.

 

He asked the guy to take him to his and Harry’s flat, and closed his eyes until he got there, otherwise he’d run f he kept staring at the stranger driving the car.

 

Almost six months later and he was still terrified of men he didn’t know.

.

.

.

 

“Thank you.” he mumbled, paying the fair and immediately walking to where his car was parked. It’d been a bit since he’d driven, but he needed to go somewhere under his own terms, and under his own power.

 

He turned off his phone, started the car, and drove off.

.

.

.

He drove around for two hours, non stop, thinking about everything and feeling nothing.

.

.

.

Then he stopped by a gas station for a bathroom break, filling up his car, and grabbing a slushie and a pack of cookies. He munched in the parking lot before driving off again.

.

.

.

 

He drove all around the area, before finally pulling into an old park he’d been to with Harry quite a few times.

 

He parked the car and leaned the seat back a little, shutting the car off and kicking off his shoes.

 

His stomach fluttered.

 

The baby was moving again. His son was moving again. The living being, inside of him, was moving. Was he kicking? Was he turning? Was it hiccups? He’d learned that eventually, he’d be able to tell when his baby got the hiccups.

 

His baby.

 

His _baby_.

 

He started to shake, leaning forward to gasp for breath, there wasn’t enough air, he couldn’t breathe, it was hot, he was sweating, he was shaking, he’d told them, he’d told them he been r…no, he couldn’t, they were all so angry and it was his fault, he couldn’t-

 

He clumsily reached over for his phone, turning it on, the device vibrating with missed calls and messages, but he couldn’t deal with those rght now. He needed…he needed…

 

He grabbed his wallet from his back pocket, and took out a small card, dialing the number.

 

After a few rings, Dr. Omar picked up.

 

‘Hello? Who-

 

“How do I make it stop?” Louis gasped out.

 

‘Alright, please tell me who you are, and where you are. Just your name and a location.’ the man replied softly.

 

“It’s Louis, you told me at the hospital…you told me I could call. You’re a psy-a psy-a psychiatrist, right?” Louis asked, breathing hard.

 

 There still wasn’t enough air.

 

‘Ah, Mr. Tomlinson. That I am. Can you tell me where you are? Is anyone with you?’

 

“No, I’m alone. I’m at the park, but can you tell me how to make it stop?” Louis asked again.

 

‘Make what stop, Louis?’

 

“This pain. Please, can you make it stop, or tell me how, only a little, just a little so I can breathe again, and feel like a person, and stop beign so afraid. Please,” Louis sobbed, “Please tell me how to make it stop. I can’t…I can’t do it anymore.”

 

Louis started to hyperventilate, shaking and breathing so hard he could barely keep his grip on his phone.

 

‘Louis, I want you to listen to me breathe, and I want you to try and follow my pattern. Try and match my rhythm. Can you do that for me?’ the doctor asked.

 

“Y-yes.” Louis rasped out.

 

He listened to the doctor breathe, a simple pattern, long breath in, long breath out.

 

Long breath in. Long breath out.

 

Long breath in. Long breath out.

 

‘You’re going good Louis. You’re doing very good. I’m here with Dr. Minnie, and she has your chart, so I’m going to call someone to pick you up.’

 

“H-Harry. Ca-call Harry.” Louis said, still gasping.

 

‘Alright. Keep breathing like that for me, alright? And I’ll stay on the phone with you, and breathe with you. Is that alright?’

 

“Y-yea.”

 

Louis closed his and kept at it.

 

Long breath in. Long breath out.

 

Long breath in. Long breath out.

 

He zoned in and out, just listening to himself breath, when there was a knock on his window. Harry was leaning against the window, and Louis shakily unlocked the car door.

 

Harry walked to the passenger side and sat next to Louis.

 

“I called him. The psychiatrist.” Louis said drowsily, still breathing in that same rhythm.

 

‘Is Harry there?’ asked Dr. Omar, and Louis mumbled a yes. ‘May I speak with him, please?’

 

Louis handed over the phone, and watched Harry’s mouth through glassy eyes as he spoke words, probably about him, but he was too tired and too focused on breathing to make any of them out. The phone was pressed back into his hand.

 

‘Louis? How are you feeling? How’s your breathing?’

 

“Tired. Better.”

 

‘That’s great. You did a great job, and you must be tired. That was a lot of work. I want you to sleep, alright? Don’t fight the sleep, and you can come and see me whenever you wake up. Is that alright?’

 

“Yea, fine. But I’m not crazy.” Louis muttered.

 

‘No, Louis, never that. Sleep well, and I’ll see you later. Call me if you wake up and need me again, alright?’

 

“Kay.”

 

The call ended and his phone slipped from his fingers into his lap. He heard Harry get out of the car and opened his eyes, watching him walk around.

 

“Lou?”

 

“Hm?”

 

“Can I touch you?”

 

“Yea.”

 

“I’m gonna pick you up, okay?”

 

Louis nodded and he felt Harry slip his hands under his legs and back, and leaned into his touch as Harry carried him wherever.

 

Harry was so strong.

 

“The boys are in the car, okay? And we’re going back to the hotel.”

 

“No, I wanna go home.” Louis whispered.

 

He drifted in and out for a bit.

 

“Okay Lou, we’re going back to the flat. Is that cool?”

 

“Super cool. Ice cold.” Louis replied with a tiny smile. “I’m going to sleep now, k?”

 

“Good night Lou. Love you.”

 

Louis found the energy to nod, before finally falling asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some things that needed to be said and done, were said and...done. 
> 
> Sorry for any mistakes.
> 
> Love you guys. :)


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Mentions of non-con

Louis woke up, screamed and shouted, attacked anything that touched him, and faded.

.

.

.

 

“He keeps throwing up! Do we give him something? I don’t know what to do!”

.

.

.

 

Someone ran their fingers through his hair, over and over and over again. It felt nice.

.

.

.

 

“It’s Harry. I’m the one who’s holding you, okay Louis? You’re safe. I’ve got you, and you’re safe.”

.

.

.

 

Louis came too, head fuzzy, eyes blurred. He blinked a few times to try and clear things up, noticing almost immediately that he was upright. He looked down, realizing that he was in a chair. His hands were white from the vice grip he had on the armrests. He was still in his suit from…last night?

 

He finally looked up and took in the sight of a comfortable looking office. The floor was carpeted, light brown furnishings spread out. A large bookshelf filled with books was too his right, and too his left was large cream couch that looked incredibly inviting.

 

“Mr. Tomlinson?”

 

Louis glanced ahead of him, just noticing Dr. Omar seated at his desk, papers scattered about. He carefully released his grip n the chairs and moved to place them in his lap when his right hand met resistance. He looked at it and noticed the IV it was connected to.

 

“Dr. Minnie hooked you up to help. You were a bit dehydrated.”

 

Louis opened his mouth to speak but frowned at the stale taste.

 

“You also threw up a bit.”

 

He noticed the dried bile on his suit jacket.

 

“You wouldn’t let anyone change your clothes.”

 

Louis frowned.

 

“While I doubt we can do much about your clothes, perhaps I send someone to pick up a tea or a mint to help get the taste out of your mouth.”

 

Louis nodded and Dr. Omar picked up his phone, typing into it.

 

“Alright. It’s on it’s way.”

 

“Were are the boys?” Louis asked, voice raspy.

 

“Last I checked they were here. I doubt they’ve left. You’re all very close. I could ask Harry to bring you some new clothes.”

 

Louis nodded again and the young man sent another quick text.

 

He then stared at Louis for a moment who stared back.

 

“How are you feeling?” he asked finally, and Louis shrugged, because he honest to everything didn’t know.

 

“That’s fine. A lot is happened. Can you tell me what you remember then?”

 

Louis looked away to think, gently running his left fingers over the tape of the IV.

 

“I remember,” he cleared his throat. “I remember calling you. I was freaking out and I called you. Harry picked me up and I think I fell asleep. That’s it.”

 

There was a knock at the door and a nurse came in with a cup of what Louis hoped was tea.

 

“It’s mint. To help settle your stomach.” she said softly.

 

Louis nodded in thanks and took it, taking off the plastic cover, blowing on the hot liquid. He gingerly took a sip, sighing softly as the warm drink went down his throat, taking the disgusting taste in his mouth with it.

 

“Do you remember why you called me?” Dr. Omar asked, after giving Louis a moment to sip his tea.

 

Louis nodded.

 

“Tell me, if you could.”

 

Louis resisted the urge to squeeze the cup, instead taking a few quiet deep breaths.

 

“I wanted everything to stop. I wanted everything to hurt less.”

 

Dr. Omar nodded. “And do you still want that help?”

 

Louis blinked at him, staring for a long time.

 

“Yes.” he finally answered.

 

He couldn’t do it on his own anymore. It wasn’t working. He wanted to get better.

.

.

.

 

Harry looked away from the ceiling he’d been staring at for the past few minutes.

 

“Call our team please.” he said softly to Paul who was leaning against the wall across from them, arms crossed.

 

All the boys shared collective glances of understanding.

 

Harry stood up without a word, and the rest followed.

 

Paul made the call.

.

.

.

 

Louis figured now would be the time to just tell him how everything started. It wasn’t like telling the girls, or telling his boys, or telling Paul, or telling management.

 

This man would know what to do.

 

This wouldn’t be a burden.

 

“I…was raped. That’s how I got pregnant.”

 

The kind look on Dr. Omar’s face didn’t change.

 

It was still welcoming.

 

Louis felt safe.

 

“Tell me what you want to tell me at your pace. Everything you say to me here, is your choice.”

 

Louis placed his empty cup down between his thighs.

 

He was safe here.

.

.

.

 

The drive back to the meeting place was filled with heavy silence. Harry was on his phone, fingers typing away furiously. Zayn’s face as carefully blank, fingers rolling an unlit cigarette back and forth. Niall picked at his nails. Liam stared straight ahead, arms crossed.

 

They arrived at the underground garage and filed out of the car.

 

Harry plucked the cigarette from Zayn’s fingers and Zayn lit it for him.

 

“Don’t make this a habit.” Zayn said, taking the smoke from him.

 

Harry shrugged. “You’re one to talk.” he mumbled, running a hand through his slightly tangled curls.

 

“My statement still stands.” Zayn replied, taking another expert drag.

 

“I know.” whispered Harry in reply.

 

“They’re ready for us.” Paul said suddenly.

 

Zayn dropped the smoke and rubbed it out with his boot, the group heading into the floor. The ride on the lift was silent, as was the walk down the hallway to the meeting room.

 

They all stepped inside. None of them sat. Paul stood by the door, blocking it.

 

All eyes were on Harry.

 

“I need you to understand something.” Harry said, tone laced with something dangerous, the rage behind the calm of his tone enough to make everyone’s backs straighten.

 

“Louis is very important to me. I love him.”

 

The team’s eyes widened.

 

“More than that. I am in love with him. And I will do whatever it takes to protect him. And I will leave.”

 

Everyone’s hair stood on end.

 

“I will leave this band, and I will watch it fail, because you spent so much time and money to put me above the others no matter how much I protested, and now I will use this power you unfairly gave me against you.”

 

Harry gripped the top of the chair before him.

 

“Feel free to sue me. I have more than enough money and more than enough support and more than enough people who love Louis like I do to get myself out of your grasp. I’ll hire a good lawyer and some people who know how to deal with people like you. If it’s for Louis, I can make it happen.”

 

Will angrily stood up.

 

“Sit. Your ass. Down.” Niall demanded, the words and tone so unlike him and so, so terrifying.

 

Will sat.

 

Zayn took out another cigarette and lit it.

 

“That’s not fair Harry. Don’t count me out.” said Zayn with a pout. He then walked over to Will, taking a quick drag before putting it out in the man’s glass of water.

 

“Harry is extremely patient. But we’ve seen what happens when people truly take it too far. And that bit’s on national television.” Zayn mumbled, flicking his lighter.  

 

He let his other hand settle on Will’s shoulder, clamping down on it.

 

“But that patience has run out.” he continued.

 

The rest of the team was stunned speechless as they watched this unfold.

 

“I think the mistake you’re making Will, is thinking that we still need you. We don’t. People already think Modest treating their employees like garbage. It’s no secret. What Harry said about the lawyer? Multiply that times five.” Liam said. “We’re brothers. Some of us, maybe lovers.” he continued with a quick glance at Harry. “And people who love each other get tired of seeing the other get treated like shite.”

 

“I just have to stop smiling. Stop laughing. Stop being that ball of sunshine everybody loves. And this band will come crumbling down.” Niall said suddenly, eyes dark and focused Will. He laughed. “Now wouldn’t that be funny?”

 

“To sum it all up,” Harry said, “This is a threat. Treat Louis right. No more sending him into panic attacks and bouts of self doubt and to the hospital. No more disrespecting him and making him question his place in the band. No more putting us above him. No more making him feel like dirt. Or I swear to everything we’ll find our way to make you suffer, in this life or the next. Are we clear, Will?”

 

Will nodded.

 

“Use your words.” Niall said with a smile, as if talking to a child.

 

“We’re clear.” Will whispered.

 

“That’s great.” Harry said with a smile and clap. “Sarah, if you could please work with these lovely folks in finding a good, Louis safe solution to our tour situation, and the rest of our schedule, that would be lovely. Don’t call us until you have that settled. Thanks for your time.”

 

Paul moved from the door and they all walked out, Harry stopping short.

 

“Oh. Feel free to tattle to Simon. We’ll deal with him. Until next time.”

 

He left with a spring in his step.

 

They all remained silent as they walked back to the car, piling in… and then collectively freaked out.

 

“Oh my God.” Liam gasped out.

 

Niall burst into near hysterical laughter. “Mate we went Mafia on his arse!”

 

Zayn let out a stream of curses, leaning back against his chair with his eyes closed.

 

Harry placed his head in his hands and tried to breathe. “I just threated to end someone. We didn’t even really discuss this. Guys I’m so sorry, I don’t want to make you quit the band with me if it comes to it and-

 

“Shut your dick up.” Niall interrupted with another laugh, reaching over to hit Harry on the head.

 

Liam nodded. “I mean, I think we’re all more than a little freaked out, goodness me, that was nuts, but we’d leave with you in a second mate. Don’t doubt it.”

 

Harry nodded, resisting the urge to cry,

 

“Do you regret it?” Zayn asked.

 

Harry looked over.

 

“No.” he whispered without hesitation. “Louis is worth it.”

 

Paul smiled as he watched this from the mirror.

 

These boys were something special.

.

.

.

 

Louis was now comfortably settled in a hospital bed, his session or whatever it had been ended. Dr. Minnie had come by, took another look at him, and felt more comfortable if he stayed until tomorrow night for more observation.

 

He didn’t have the energy to protest, and they changed him into a hospital gown.

 

It sucked when they had to remove and re-insert the IV. The needle was always painful.

 

Now he was propped up in bed, the tv on serving as background noise while his thoughts raged on and on an on.

 

The doctors were in another room talking about him. He wondered what they’d tell him. He’d wondered if they’d send him away.

 

His stomach fluttered, and he immediately placed his palm against it. His baby was doing little things in there. Tiny things. His tiny baby doing tiny things.

 

“I feel you.” Louis whispered, to the miracle or curse growing inside of him. “Do you feel me? Do you know I’m there?”

 

Of course Louis wasn’t expecting an answer, but the lack of one was still unsettling. He rubbed small circles against his bump.

 

“Do you love me?” he asked. “Do you know that I don’t know if I love you?”

 

He sat quietly for a few moments.

 

“Does it hurt you? Do I hurt you?”

 

He carefully turned onto his side, curling up into a fetal position.

 

“I’m so sorry.”

.

.

.

 

The boys arrived at the hospital, Harry with a change of clothes for Louis in hand. They walked to Dr. Omar’s office only to see him standing in the hallway with Dr. Minnie.

 

Harry stopped short, before speeding up.

 

“Is everything alright? Is Louis okay?” Harry asked.

 

“Louis is fine. He’s in a room. I want him to stay a bit, just to keep an eye on him. He’s had a bit of a rough time.” answered Dr. Minnie.

 

Harry let out a breath of relief.

 

“We’re actually headed to his room to discuss some things with him. I’d like you to remain outside until we’re done. It’s a bit of a private conversation, and if he wants, we’ll fill you in after.”

 

The boys nodded and followed both doctors to Louis’ room,  staying outside as the two walked in and shut the door.

.

.

.

 

Louis turned when he heard the door open and shut. Seeing who it was, he sat up.

 

“How are you feeling?” Dr. Minnie asked, and Louis shrugged.

 

“Tired I guess.” he answered.

 

She looked over his monitors and seemed satisfied with what she saw as she didn’t press further. Dr. Omar stepped up.

 

“Louis, we just have a few things we want to discuss with you. Is that alright?” he asked.

 

“Sure.”

 

“Alright. I’m pretty sure I have a solid diagnosis as to your mental standing.”

 

Diagnosis. So he really was sick in the head.

 

“But I’d still like to refer you to someone who specializes in the trauma you’ve been through.”

 

Louis blinked.

 

“She’s a sexual assault therapist, and a very good friend of mine. She can properly diagnose you, as well as help you step by step. Once I get a proper diagnosis, we can work together to properly medicate you if need be. I’ll still be here to talk, but our conversations will be more geared to how you feel the medication is working, and whether further adjustments must be made. All the while, Dr. Minnie will be with us, and we’ll work as a group to insure you the best care and treatment possible.”

 

Louis stared. It was…a lot to take in.

 

“This is a process Louis, and it won’t be easy, but you have three very competent doctors and your friends and family with you. You aren’t alone.”

 

Louis nodded slowly.

 

He wasn’t. He wasn’t alone.

 

His stomach fluttered again.

 

“We’ll head out now and let you have some time to think. Your friends are outside. Do you mind if we tell them what we told you? To be on the same page. It is completely your choice.”

 

“It’s fine. You can tell them.” Louis answered softly.

 

They walked out.

.

.

.

 

The boys listened with rapt attention and Dr. Omar and Minnie repeated what they’d just told Louis.

 

“So basically, this is a long and hard process, and we need you to support Louis as much as need be. If he needs to be medicated, we need your help in insuring he takes his meds on time, he gets proper rest, and he is no longer as stressed out as he was when he was brought here. We can’t keep repeating this. He won’t get better.”

 

It was sobering news, but they all agreed

 

Anything for Louis.

 

Anything for him to get better.

 

Anything for him to be happy again.

 

.

.

.

 

Harry waited about fifteen minutes after everything was explained before he started getting jittery. He cast longing glances at Louis’ closed door, tapping against his armrest and fumbling with the bag filled with Louis’ change of clothes.

 

“Go.” Zayn mumbled from beside him.

 

Harry frowned. “They said to give him time. To think.”

 

Zayn shrugged. “Just you. We’ll wait, so we don’t crowd him. It’ll be fine.”

 

Harry’s frown deepened. “We can see him together. I’ll wait so we can all g-

 

“Oh please. Stop acting like you don’t want some alone time with your hubby.” Niall interrupted from where he was sitting across from them.

 

Liam hid his laugh while Harry blushed deeply.

 

“Arse.” Harry mumbled, unable to hide his blush or his grateful smile as he walked up to Louis’ door, knocking softly.

 

“Lou? It’s me, Harry. Can I come in?”

 

He didn’t hear an answer, so he opened the door a crack, peaking in. The lights were dim in the room and Louis lay on his side, back facing the door. Harry let himself in, shutting the door quietly behind him and moving to grab the remote, shutting off the tv.

 

He then looked at Louis and was startled so see Louis staring back at him.

 

“I thought you were sleeping.” Harry mumbled, moving to pull up a chair.

 

Louis remained silent, watching as Harry sat down at got comfortable.

 

“He’s moving.” Louis said after a few minutes of silence.

 

Harry sat up.

 

Louis wordlessly reached for Harry’s hand and pressed it against his stomach. “I doubt you’ll feel him though. He’s still so tiny.”

 

Harry didn’t feel the baby, but he felt Louis’ warmth, and that was nice too.

 

“Does it still feel weird?” Harry asked.

 

“Yea.”

 

Louis placed his hand atop Harry’s. Harry moved closer.

 

“The doctors told us the plan and everything.” Harry said.

 

“Oh.”

 

“I think it’s a good idea.”

 

Louis looked up at him.

 

“And I think it will work. Do you?” asked Harry.

 

Louis tightened his grasp on Harry’s hand.

 

“I want it too. So badly.” he answered.

 

“Can I touch you?” Harry asked, and Louis nodded.

 

Harry took his other right hand and carded his fingers through Louis’ tussled hair gently. Louis sighed softly.

 

“Do you think he knows that I don’t love him yet?” Louis asked suddenly, after a moment of listening to each other breathe.

 

Harry’s fingers stilled. “No.” he answered finally. “But, I think he knows that you are there. I think he knows that you are fighting for both of you. I think he knows what your voice sounds like. I think he loves to hear you sing, even if it’s not to him. I think he feels you, when you rub your tummy. I think he falls asleep to your heartbeat, louder to him than it is to you. I think-

 

“Stop.”

 

Harry stopped.

 

Louis stared up at him. “Kiss me.”

 

Harry did. The angle was a bit awkward, Harry bending down to meet Louis’ lips. He removed his and from Louis stomach to balance himself, hand dropping on the other side of Louis. Louis separated himself from the kiss, moving and pulling Harry onto the bed. Harry flailed for a moment, not wanting to fall on Louis, steadying himself and crawling next to him, cramped. Louis moved to straddle Harry, fingers latching onto Harry’s curls.

 

His heart monitor sped up. Harry kissed him again, and it quickly turned frantic, frenzied touches and gasps and just a need, a need to be near each other, a need to touch, a need to feel.

 

Louis pulled away again and leaned his forehead against Harry’s, catching his breath. While their lips weren’t locked, he was able to think a bit more clearly.

 

This was first time he’d kissed Harry since that moment…that moment when Harry revealed he was in love with him.

 

And it wasn’t right, Louis thought. It wasn’t right for him to kiss Harry like this, to be with Harry like this, when he wasn’t sure what he felt in return.

 

“I can’t do this, Harry. I can’t use you like this.”

 

Harry smiled softly. “You would never use me, Louis. But if you want to stop, I’ll stop.”

 

Louis didn’t really know what to say. Harry left him speechless so often, with his kindness and understanding.

 

It took a while for his brain to reboot.

 

“Can you just hold me then?”

 

Harry answered with his actions rather than his voice, kicking off his shoes and helping Louis get comfortably curled up, half lying on his chest. The bed was a little small, but they could make do.

 

They were with each other and that was all that mattered. Louis tugged the sheet over them and closed his eyes.

 

Harry began to hum, and the sound of his voice lulled Louis into a better sense of calm.

 

Finally, he could see a way out of feeling so broken and tired and in pain. There was a plan. A plan that might truly work. His doctors were with him. His family was with him. His girls were with him. His boys were with him. And Harry was with him.

 

Harry was with him, Harry believed in this plan, and Harry believed in him.

 

Maybe he really could get better.

 

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.

.

 

Love you guys so much.


	25. Chapter 25

_“He’s so pretty like this, isn’t he?”_

_The words were distorted and weird, but he could vaguely understand them. He could also feel someone running their fingers through his hair, cupping his cheek, tracing his lips…_

_“Possibly the most beautiful I’ve ever had. Thank you. I can’t wait to ruin him.”_

.

.

.

 

Louis sat up in the hospital bed, thinking over that dream, the malice in that man’s voice, the feel of him touching whatever he wanted gently before tearing him apart…

 

He curled up and clenched his eyes shut.

 

.

.

.

 

“When?”

 

“Soon.”

.

.

.

 

His son’s heartbeat was strong and fast, a steady bump bump bump that never failed to have the room mesmerized.

 

Have _him_ mesmerized.

 

It was strangely beautiful.

 

But it still bothered Louis that he found the sound of his baby’s heartbeat beautiful but could feel nothing else when he thought of the small little thing inside him. Feeding off of him. Growing with him. Little kicks and nudges to remind Louis of his existence, that it isn’t just a raised stomach, that he is actually in there.

 

Six months and one week. He was six months and one week pregnant.

 

Time had flown by in a whirlwind of feeling too much and too little.

 

“Louis?”

 

Louis blinked and turned to the rest of the boys looking down at him. They’d all begged him to let them tag along for this appointment since they were already in the hospital, and his doctor relented, taking pity on them.

 

Four puppy dog eyes were more than enough for her to succumb.

 

“I’m okay.” was all he said, trying to bring himself back.

 

The steady bump bump bump continued.

 

“Your baby has a big ass head.” Niall said after a moment of just listening.

 

Louis laughed so hard he almost fell off the bed.

.

.

.

 

They’d managed to avoid the press, as luckily no one had gotten word of Louis being rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night.

 

He was discharged without any hassle and spent most of the ride back to the hotel was spent whispering into the phone with his mum on the other line.

 

‘I just want you to know how proud I am of you baby.’

 

“Yea?” Louis asked softly, hand under his shirt and rubbing his stomach in small circles.

 

‘Always, my love. You are so strong.’

 

.

.

.

 

 

His ‘sexual assault’ therapist was named Leslie Jones and was a very kind and pretty looking dark skinned woman who met him with a smile.

 

“What do you prefer to be called?”

 

“Louis.” he mumbled.

 

They chatted about simple things first, like little facts about him, and a few facts about her. Then they moved to how he was feeling.

 

He shrugged.

 

“Can you put that shrug into words for me?” she asked.

 

He looked away from her to the sunlight peeking through the blinds, before abruptly spilling the same horrors he’d had to tell over and over again after working so hard to keep them a secret. He pictured himself tearing the blinds off the windows before breaking the glass and jumping out, not falling, but rising up to someplace better, not dying, but just, floating into a weird limbo, a place better and easier to deal with, stress free, as the words bubbled over and out of his mouth like black sludge, dripping down his chin and splashing all over the carpeted floor.

 

Louis came back to himself gasping for breath and nearly doubled over, fists clenching and unclenching, and sweat pooling at his forehead.

 

Dr. Leslie was kneeling before him, not touching him but not too far away either. It took a while for her words to register.

 

“Can you breathe with me?”

 

Oh. Another panic attack then. He hadn’t felt this one coming. He watched her, trying to copy the way she took  deep breaths and catch on to her rhythm. It took a while, but he finally managed to, not exactly calm down, but not feel like he was dying either.

 

“How are you feeling? Would you like a cup of water?”

 

He could really do with sleeping for maybe a year, but water would be nice.

 

“Okay.

 

She walked over to the corner of her office where a water dispenser was, filling a small paper cup and bringing it to him. He took the drink with trembling hands, grateful that she hadn’t filled it to the top, otherwise he might have spilled some. The water went down smooth, his throat having been dry after breathing so harshly.

 

“Feeling a little better?”

 

He nodded. His heart wasn’t beating a million times for second, and he could actually breath, so yes, this was a great improvement.

 

“That was a panic attack.”

 

Louis nodded. He knew.

 

“How often do you get these, Louis?”

 

He shrugged. “I never really…thought to keep track.”

 

She walked back to her desk, scribbling something down in her notes. “Alright, so we don’t have a specific number, and that’s alright. People rarely do. Have you ever disassociated?” 

 

His confusion must have shown clear on his face because she quickly clarified. “Had moments where you’ve felt like you weren’t quite in your body. You zoned out, or lost touch with what was happening around you.”

 

Louis bit his lip. “Yea.” he whispered.

 

She wrote that down. “You’re doing lovely, Louis.”

 

He bit his lip, nodding in response. He was fine. He wasn’t screwing this up.

 

“Have you ever had a flashback. Felt like you were re-experiencing you trauma, or felt similar pains.”

 

He thought back to the time he woke up covered in filth on the bathroom. How he could sometimes hear whispers and feel touches that didn’t belong.

 

“Yes.” he answered more surely.

 

That, he was sure of.

 

“You’re giving me a lot of information Louis, thank you.”

 

It was strange. He knew what she was doing, constantly trying to reassure him and make him feel comfortable. He was well aware, and it almost made him feel like h was a child, looking to an adult for guidance. But it was working. Every time she took care to tell him he was doing alright, actually made him feel a little better.

 

“Dr. Leslie.”

 

She looked up.

 

“Yes Louis?”

 

“Am I crazy?”

 

She stared at him for a moment, before placing her pen down and folding her hands in front of her.

 

“Crazy is a cruel term. It is belittling, and it is wrong. What you are Louis, is ill. You’ve been hurt terribly, and your mind is trying its best to sort out what was done to you, and it just needs a little help. You just need a little help, Louis. And I, along with your other doctors, are here to provide you with the best help you can.” She paused for a moment, surveying him. “It must seem like it’s taking ages. But when you break your leg, don’t you need proper time to heal?”

 

He nodded.

 

“It is the same with the mind. Everything that harms us needs time to heal.”

 

He mulled that over. “So…I am sick.”

 

She closed her folder softly. “I spoke with your doctors, and working with what I’ve heard them tell me and what you’ve told me, I think you’re suffering with post-traumatic stress disorder. This is commonly referred to as-

 

“PTSD.” Louis finished for her, clenching the paper cup in his hands.

 

“Yes.”

 

She let him think about it for a while.

 

“How do you feel about that?”

 

He stared down at his lap. “Upset.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because my mum thought this might happen, and I have friends who thought this might happen, and I didn’t want it to and ignored it and it still happened.”

 

“Louis.”

 

He looked up at her.

 

“At placing this disorder as something you could have worked to prevent gives seed to the notion that this is your fault.”

 

He continued to stare.

 

“None of this is your fault.”

.

.

.

 

That session had been even more exhausting than Louis had expected, but within the next week he’d had prescription mood stabilizers and a journal to keep track of any type of panic attacks and other bizarre systems. He’d also use it to keep track of any triggers he could think of.

 

It was…annoying. He was annoyed at himself for letting this happen. He got up from the couch he was slumped on. He stood uncomfortably for a bit. The baby was literally doing cartwheels.

 

Could he not, perhaps?

 

Louis grabbed his phone, checking the time. The rest of the boys were at a radio interview, him having skipped it because of his…therapy.

 

It felt weird to constantly apply that term to himself. Louis had never thought he’d need therapy…like ever. But he never thought he’d be ra-

 

He cut that line of thought, walking into the kitchen and putting on the kettle. He leaned against the counter, yawning slightly. Something he’d noticed a few days after taking his new meds was a new sense of drowsiness, even more so than usual. Side effects sucked but he would put up with it. He wasn’t weak.

 

The tea was ready quickly and he took his steaming mug into his bedroom. It felt good to be back in their flat, though they might be heading out depending on whatever their team decided.

 

It was weird that he hadn’t heard from them at all. Carefully sitting on the bed, he grabbed his laptop.

 

Maybe he could do a livestream. The fans would hopefully appreciate him communicating with him a bit.

 

He bit his lip nervously. What if the team got mad though? What if he got yelled at again?

 

He scrolled through his twitter, ever popular with questions and declarations of love and hate and disgust and concern. Always a whirlwind.

 

Screw it. He set up the stream and then tweeted the link. The effect was immediate, viewers going into the thousands in seconds. He waited for a bit, sipping more of his tea and getting comfortable before turning his camera on.

 

“Hello.” he said, waving at the screen. “Um, I’m alone, and I’m sure you know that the rest of the boys  were doing a radio interview. Or are they still? Oops. Didn’t mean to distract people from it.”

 

He took another sip of tea.

 

“You guys can ask questions I guess.” Louis said, reading through the comments.

 

“Okay, so…no, you can’t see my tummy. That’s a bit sexy for a simple chat, innit?” he joked, scrolling through more.

 

“How far along am I? Six months and two weeks. And yes, I know the sex, and no, I’m not telling you that, sorry.”

 

So many questions were coming in that it was hard to read them long enough before they disappeared. “This is a good reading exercise, trying to keep up with these comments. Um, okay, I stayed behind because my doctor wanted me to take a bit of a break.”

 

Really, they wanted him to take it easy while his body adjusted to the meds.

 

“My least favorite things about pregnancy? Well, I’m tired a lot, which a weird because I’m so used to having so much energy. And I’m moody too. And I get dizzy spells, and those are pretty terrible.” he answered.

 

Looking through more comments, he saw quite a few in common, being, ‘Harry asked you something!!1!! Harry has a questionfrv3r. Harfurefherg. Larry STylgtirgntn.’

 

His eyebrows furrowed and he leaned forward, going back to his twitter tab.

 

**Harry_Styles: @Louis_Tomlinson what’s your favorite color?**

Louis stared, before rolling his eyes. “Honestly Harry?” he laughed, “Blue, you loser. Don’t you still have the interview?”

 

He switched back to his stream. “Swollen feet. That’s another annoying thing. Next question is…do I have names picked out yet? Um…”

 

His mind blanked out for a bit, because he hadn’t thought of that at all. “No, not really. I-

 

They were screaming about Harry again.

 

**Harry_Styles: @Louis_Tomlinson just finished. But I’m your loser, right?**

Louis’ answering smile was brilliant. “Yes, Harry, you’re my loser. Now stop distracting me.”

 

**NiallOfficial: @Louis_Tomlinson @Harry_Styles – I have a question. Can u 2 get a room?**

Louis laughed. “Are you all watching this? And shush Niall.”

 

**Harry_Styles: @NiallOfficial boo**

**Real_Liam_Payne: @NiallOfficial @Harry_Styles @Louis_Tomlinson BEHAVE**

Louis put his head in his hands. “Oh my God.” he mumbled.

 

**zaynmalik1D: aha xx!**

**NiallOfficial: @Real_Liam_Payne can’t tame this. @zaynmalk1D brilliant contribution mate**

“So let me get this straight. You’re all sat together tweeting each other and intruding on my stream.” Louis stated more than asked.

 

**Harry_Styles: @Louis_Tomlinson yup**

**NiallOfficial: @Louis_Tomlinson yup**

**Real_Liam_Payne: @Louis_Tomlinson yup**

**zaynmalik1D: aha xx!**

“You guys are so dumb. Hurry up and come over though. I’m bored.” Louis said.

 

**Harry_Styles: @Louis_Tomlinson your wish is my command.**

Louis blushed. “Whatever.” he answered, hiding a smile. “Anyways, back to this. Any more questions for me?” he asked.

 

He lost track of time as he answered as many questions as he could, when the click of the door being opened grabbed his attention.

 

“Louis!” screamed Niall, diving onto the bed.

 

Louis squealed as the rest of the boys piled on as well, Zayn grabbing him and planting a huge kiss on his cheek while Harry placed a delicate one on his stomach. Liam said hello to the camera, Niall joining him.

 

“We brought food.” Harry mumbled.

 

Louis made moved over a little so Harry could sit beside him, but Harry pushed him forward instead and sat behind him, Louis settling between his legs.

 

“What kind?” Louis asked after a moment of getting comfortable.

 

“Chicken and pasta with alfredo sauce.” Harry whispered.

 

Louis reached a hand up to tug on Harry’s curls playfully.

 

“You’re a darling, Harry.”

 

“Hm.”

 

Zayn looked away from the camera and crawled over Niall to get to Louis and Harry.

 

“Fans are freakin’ out over your position.” he whispered.

 

Louis frowned. He was so used to cuddling up to Harry at random ties that he’d forgotten about possible fan reaction and such.

 

“It’s fine with me.” Harry mumbled.

 

Louis craned his neck upwards. “Yea, but management.” Louis whispered worriedly.

 

“They won’t say anything.” Harry answered, sharing a look with Zayn.

 

Louis’ eyebrows furrowed. “Yea, but no? The team I know would be losing it right about now.”

 

“Perhaps.” Harry said, “But they won’t say anything to you.”

 

“They know better.” Zayn muttered.

 

Louis was confused.

 

“But-

 

“Don’t worry about it, Lou. It’s fine. Do you trust me?”

 

Of course Louis trusted Harry. He stared up at Harry for a moment longer before nodding.

 

“Do you wanna eat now or later?” Harry asked.

 

“Now.”

 

That pasta was calling his name. He sat up. “But the stream?”

 

Harry looked over at the other boys. “They’ve got it covered. C’mon.”

 

He slid out from behind Louis, helping Louis out of the bed. Louis stared at their conjoined hands as Harry carefully tugged him forward out of the room into the kitchen.

 

They hadn’t kissed since that night at the hospital when Louis had told him he didn’t feel comfortable with it. Here Harry was in love with him and Louis had no idea what he felt in return. How was it right of him to be so intimate with Harry when their feelings towards each other didn’t add up?

 

He didn’t know if he was in love with Harry. Love was something you were supposed to be sure of, right?

 

But damn if he didn’t miss his lips.

 

“Lou?”

 

Louis blinked and looked over at Harry who was holding a steaming plate. He placed it before Louis before sitting across from him.

 

“You okay?”

 

Louis nodded, mumbling thanks and digging in. Harry went for his own plate and Louis found himself watching Harry eat, the way he twirled his fork to get the pasty and stuck his tongue out before he put the food in his mouth.

 

Harry’s eyes met Louis’. They both held each other’s gaze as they ate, until Harry stopped moving, Louis following. Both of their forks hit their plates with a loud clang.

 

Harry stood up, the sound of the stool scraping against the tile echoing. He slowly walked over to Louis, who pushed his plate aside. Louis stood up, facing Harry before he placed his hands behind him and hoisted himself atop the island.

 

Harry licked his lips.

 

“Can I-

 

“Yes.” Louis interrupted, and Harry slotted himself between Louis’ spread legs, placing his hands behind Louis’ head and pulling into a kiss.

 

They both seemed to come alive, and for a moment all Louis could focus on was the taste of Harry and the smell of Harry and the sounds Harry made, his panting breath and constant contact, his roaming hands and silky curls, his tiny moans, how hot it was, literally and figuratively.

 

_“I’m so in love with you I can barely stand it!”_

He separated from the kiss with a gasp, staring up into Harry’s eyes.

 

“I’m sorry.” Louis whispered, and Harry frowned.

 

“Why?”

 

“I told you before, Harry. I can’t use you like this.”

 

“Why do you think you’re using me?”

 

“Because…because you told me you loved me…were in love with me-

 

“Am. I _am_ in love with you.”

 

Louis bit his lip. “You _are_ in love with me and I…”

 

He didn’t know what to say next.

 

“Why did you kiss me then?”

 

“It’s so hard not too.”

 

“Why is it hard?”

 

“Do you like kissing me?”

 

Louis looked up at Harry again. “I love kissing you.”

 

“And you’re afraid you’re using me because you don’t know if you love me back.”

 

Louis slowly nodded.

 

“Louis. I need you to know that I trust you. With my everything. And I know you wouldn’t use me…at least not like that. You might not know all you feel for me yet, but I know I’m not just…sex for you. I told you that before. You’d never do that.”

 

“But if I myself don’t know than how can you be so sure?”

 

Harry kissed Louis cheek. “Because you’re a good person. A better person than you think you are.”

 

Louis shrugged, and Harry sighed.

 

“Sometimes I feel like we go in circles.” Harry mumbled, sounding frustrated, and Louis flinched. “But I’ll just keep reminding you how amazing and strong you are every time you doubt yourself.”

 

Louis lowered his head to hide his blush while Harry wrapped his arms around him. Louis slowly returned the embrace.

.

.

.

 

“How have you been, Louis?”

 

Louis shrugged, tugging at his jumper. “I’ve been alright I guess. I haven’t had any attacks or anything.”

 

Dr. Leslie smiled. “While that is good news, it’s still a bit early to tell as you’ve only been on the medication for a short amount of time.”

 

“Oh.” he answered.

 

“But as I said, it’s still good news. Small steps, right?”

 

“Yea. Small steps. Very small steps.”

 

She scribbled something.

 

“You seem a little frustrated.”

 

“I’m always a little frustrated. This entire situation is frustrating.” The harshness of his tone startled him and he settled back in his seat.

 

“Why does the frustration anger you so much.”

 

He frowned. “Seriously? Nobody likes feeling frustrated all the time.”

 

“True.” she said, but stayed silent.

 

“It’s like, all of this could have been avoided.”

 

“Ah.” she said, “But that puts the blame on you, doesn’t it?”

 

He frowned. “Um…”

 

“And the blame lies with your attacker.”

 

His frown deepened.

 

“But I don’t even fully remember what happened.”

 

“That may be so, Louis, but rape is never the fault of the victim. Never.”

 

Why was this so hard for him to believe?

.

.

.

 

Louis’ heart was pounding but the rest of his boys looked incredibly relaxed, and it was honestly disconcerting. The room was silent, and Harry reached over to grab Louis’ hand.

 

“Relax, Lou.” he whispered, and Louis clenched his other hand.

 

How could he relax during another meeting with management? Every meeting so far had ended up with him being chastised or yelled at and was it wrong for him to be nervous?

 

Will finally spoke up.

 

“We’ve come to a solution, I think, to help smooth things out.” he looked to Sarah.

 

“Alright boys. So, a few of your concerts had to be cancelled or rescheduled to accommodate Louis, which was a given. You’re giving birth in three months, and we want you to have some time to adjust, and whatever concerts that come after that have already been dealt with. What we need to do is one, bring back some of the lost faith with your fans who’ve had their concerts cancelled, while bring some more attention to the goodwill of the band and all that jazz. So…we’re going to put on a series of concerts for free.”

 

Louis’ jaw dropped.

 

“Really?”

 

“Yes. Naturally the tickets will be first come first serve. They’ll have to reserve space. Also, we’re aiming to give away all the best seats to low income families who’ve never had the opportunity to attend.”

 

“That’s nice, actually.” Harry mumbled, and the other boys nodded in agreement.

 

“These concerts will be hosted twice per arena here in the London, Ireland, and Germany. We’ll cover the U.S. and Australia, and wherever else if we can after you’ve given birth and have had time off with your baby. We’re sticking around here as well because constant flight while you’re high risk is well…a high risk.”

 

She kept mentioning birth so casually. Louis didn’t know how to deal with that, so he shoved those thoughts aside.

 

“We’ve also schedule it so they don’t coincide with any medical appointments you have. And it starts next week, which I know is quite soon but we’re on a deadline. Of course, while things will be fast paced, we’re working to make sure you’re kept as confortable as possible while this all goes on.”

 

“What do you think of that?” Will asked, looking to Harry, who shrugged.

 

“Ask Louis.” he said simply.

 

Louis looked at Harry and the rest of the boys who stared back encouragingly.

 

“This is fine, I think.” he said after a moment of thought.

 

“You think?” Sarah asked.

 

“It’s a whole lot for me, right? I could miss a few and make it easier-

 

“It’s not one Direction without you.” Niall interrupted. “It’s fine with us as long as you’re cool with it.”

 

Louis bit his lip.

 

“You’re sure?” he asked uncertainly.

 

“Positive mate.” Zayn answered.

 

Louis looked to Liam who was staring hard at Will. The older caught Liam’s gaze and visibly wilted.

 

“Erm, Louis.”

 

Louis’ hand shook. “Yes?”

 

“We’d, and mostly I, would like to apologize for the way we treated you through out all this. We didn’t fully take what you must be going through into consideration, and we were outright cruel to you. While I and others didn’t know the full extent of your situation, it doesn’t excuse the way we’ve acted towards you this far.”

 

His eyes widened. This was something Louis hadn’t expected at all.

 

“Oh.”

 

“So please feel free to come to us or call anytime you need something done to help make this easier for you.”

 

Harry rubbed his thumb in small circles against the back of Louis’ hand.

 

“Breathe.” he whispered.

 

Louis continued to stare at Will, who actually looked truly concerned for him.

 

“Thank you.” Louis stuttered.

 

“Will nodded.”

 

“I mean….it’s not okay. What you did, and how you treated me, but I still um….I still appreciate the apology.”

 

Will nodded again. “Thanks for even considering it.”

 

Louis smiled softly. Harry’s hand was warm and comfortable in his.

.

.

.

 

“You saying it isn’t my fault isn’t helping me feel that way.” Louis said angrily.

 

Dr. Leslie watched him carefully.

 

“Because every minute of every day I keep thinking about what I could have done to not be so messed up in the head and it sucks, and you keep saying it’s not my fault but that’s not changing how I feel!”

 

“Louis-

 

He walked out.

.

.

.

 

He spent the next few hours after that failed session cocooned in multiple blankets in his and Harry’s game room. He’d skipped rehearsal for the day, even though it as dumb of him as the show was the next day, but he literally didn’t have it in him to do anything else but breathe and perhaps hate himself a little more than usual.

 

He turned his focus outwards, soaking in the background noise of the room around him. Niall and Liam were playing FIFA. Zayn was a few ways off, singing softly, knowing Louis liked to hear his voice sometimes when he was having an off day. Harry was running his hands through Louis’ hair as much as he could, as the blankets covered nearly all of his head.

 

He squeezed his eyes shut, slowly moving his hands to his stomach, rubbing tiny circles in slow continuous motions. He felt a small nudge against his palm and froze.

 

What?

 

He felt a nudge again, and held his breath.

 

He could feel the baby.

 

He could actually feel him move against his hand.

 

Louis pulled the blanket off his head with a gasp, catching everyone’s attention.

 

“Harry.” he whispered, hand shooting out of the blankets to grab Harry’s, pushing it up under his shirt. His hand was so warm. “Can you feel that?”

 

Harry stared at Louis with furrowed brows before his eyes widened comically.

 

“Lou!” he shouted excitedly, and Louis smiled at the expression on his face.

 

“What’s going on!?” Niall asked, and Louis motioned them over.

 

They all crowded around his stomach and each carefully placed a hand there.

 

“Holy shi-

 

“Mate oh my God-

 

“It’s like Aliens mate! It’s gonna burst out of your guts-

 

“Can you not, Niall?” Harry asked, mildly horrified.

 

Louis laughed, nearly hysterical, and his boys pulled him into a group hug.

 

It was a hug desperately needed.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How are the therapy scenes? They’re really difficult for me to write and are the main reason for the ridiculous delay on this mess.
> 
>  
> 
> I’m sorry.


	26. Chapter 26

Louis ran his hands through his hair nervously, glancing around at the organized chaos around him. He could hear the screams and chants from where he was back stage. Thousands of people were out there waiting for him to deliver what he knew they hoped to be one of the best nights of their lives.

 

Performing always made him nervous. So many eyes on him, wanting him to give his best and more, and now there was more at stake, more for them to judge and speculate towards, more for them to pick apart, and compare…

 

He placed his hand on his stomach, rubbing lightly.

 

“Can you feel how nervous I am?” he asked softly, staring down. “You can probably hear my heartbeat. Can you feel how fast its going? Can you hear how loud?”

 

Tate appeared in his line of sight with two shirts. Louis bit his lip, looking between the two.

 

“Um, do have a jumper I could wear instead?” Louis asked, and Tate frowned, putting down the shirts and grabbing his phone, typing quickly.

 

‘It’s going to be hot up there. I don’t want you to faint.’

 

Louis read the message with a frown. “Yea, but…” he trailed off, looking down at his stomach.

 

The whole world knew he was pregnant but it still had him feeling so uncomfortable for the baby bump to be in such…broad view. Especially for the few hours he would be out there.

 

Tate tapped him and Louis jumped.

 

‘Don’t be afraid of the way you look. You always look lovely, and I’m here to help.’

 

Louis smiled softly. “Thanks. I’m not trying to like, bash the way you dress me or anything. It’s just…so many people are watching. I’ll wear one of the shirts, but can you make sure if I move around a lot, it won’t lift up? I don’t want them seeing my bare stomach. At least not yet.”

 

Tate gave him a thumbs up.

 

‘One of these will do.’ he typed.

 

Louis nodded and took the white one with multiple designs. He’d keep his jeans on, and the Vans. He stood up, taking the shirt with him into a nearby restroom to change into. He just pulled the shirt on when the sound of the door opening drew his attention.

 

“Lou?”

 

Oh, Harry.

 

“Yea gimme a sec.” he mumbled, smoothing down the material before stepping out. Harry looked great, as usual. This time, his hair was up in a bun.

 

“You okay?” Harry asked, looking Louis up and down.

 

Louis nodded. “Why, do I look sick or summat?”

 

“No, um, Tate was at the door, so.”

 

Louis stopped from where he was fixing his hair again in the mirror, turning to Harry.

 

“At the door? This door? The bathroom door?”

 

“Yea.” Harry said. “He wasn’t letting anybody in here, but he let me in. I told him I had things covered.”

 

Louis frowned. “Where you mean about it?”

 

Harry rolled his eyes. “He just gives me an off vibe.” he answered instead. “His eyes are always on you. It’s…weird.”

 

Louis looked away. “I noticed.” he mumbled, moving to lean against the tiled wall.

 

Harry moved closer. “Does it bother you?”

 

“Sometimes,” Louis answered with a small shrug. “It gets intense sometimes, but his job is also to like, observe me or whatever so he can dress me properly. I dunno. Maybe that’s just how he is.”

 

Harry nodded, moving even closer. Louis winced. Harry quickly stepped back.

 

“No, it’s not you,” Louis mollified, gesturing to his stomach, “he keeps moving. It always catches me off guard.”

 

Harry perked up. “Can I?” he asked, and Louis nodded, taking Harry’s hand and guiding it under his shirt. Harry smiled.

 

“He kicks so hard. Doesn’t it hurt?”

 

Louis carefully placed his hand atop Harry’s. “Sometimes,” he whispered, looking up into Harry’s eyes.

 

Harry carefully leaned forward and pressed a small kiss to Louis’ forehead. Louis blushed.

 

“How much time do we have?” Harry asked. “Left my phone.”

 

Louis clumsily reached for his, trying to focus as Harry continued to rub slow circles against his stomach. His hand was so warm.

 

“Fifteen minutes.” Louis answered after a moment.

 

“Hm.”

 

“Damn it,” Louis muttered, before pushing Harry into one of the stalls.

 

Harry stumbled backward and sat on the toilet seat, Louis locking the stall and climbing on top of his lap. Harry’s hands settled on his waist.

 

“Why ‘damn it’?” asked Harry.

 

“I can’t stop kissing you.”

 

“Do you want to? Stop kissing me, I mean.”

 

“No.”

 

“Then kiss me.”

 

Louis carefully planted his lips on Harry, and he felt Harry smile against him.

 

“Does it make you that happy? That I kiss you?” Louis asked.

 

Harry shrugged. “You make me happy. The kissing is a bonus, I suppose.”

 

Louis’ eyebrow rose. “You suppose?”

 

Harry smirked. “I-

 

He was cut off when the door to the bathroom slammed open, someone rushing into another stall. Harry and Louis’ eyes both locked in alarm and Harry quickly hoisted Louis up and stepped onto the toilet, leaning back and keeping his knees bent so Louis could sit. They both stared at each other in silence.

 

Louis opened his mouth to whisper something but a long and drawn out fart interrupted him. Their eyes widened and Louis clapped one of his hands to his mouth to smother his laugh, using the other to cling to Harry and keep his balance. Harry bit his lip, struggling between holding them both up and holding in his laughter. They continued to stare at each other.

 

Louis couldn’t help but notice how bright Harry’s eyes were like this, and he wished he were a bit more composed to focus on how beautiful Harry looked but the man in the stall next door was literally dying and Louis wanted to let the guy keep his false sense of privacy.

 

“Oh my God.” Harry mouthed silently and Louis shook his head, shoulders shaking. Finally, the man finished his business and walked out.

 

They stayed silent for a moment.

 

“Did he wash his hands?” Louis asked, breaking the quiet.

 

Harry frowned. “No…”

 

They burst into laughter, and Harry barely managed to get seated again without the both of them toppling over. They were that hysterical. It seemed to take ages for them to get themselves together. The two stared at each other, panting harshly. Harry kept one hand firmly planted at Louis’ waist, the other moving to brush a stray tear leaking from the corner of Louis’ eye.

 

“I love you.” Harry said suddenly.

 

Louis blinked, taking a deep breath. “I know,” he said after a few seconds of silence. “God, I know you do, Harry.”

 

He could see it in Harry’s eyes, the way Harry watched him and…so much of what Harry did was all for him, and God he knew, _he knew_ that Harry loved him with his all and he wished to everything he could say it back.

 

He wished he could just grab Harry and tell him that he loved him the same, with his whole being the way he knew Harry did him, but his feelings never made sense. They were jumbled and twisted and filled to the brim with pain and it sucked.

 

Harry embraced Louis, holding him close. Louis allowed the embrace, leaning forward to rest his face into the crook of Harry’s neck, taking another deep breath. The two sat there, Harry rubbing slow circles against Louis’ back.

 

“It smells.” Harry mumbled, sniffing the air around him.

 

The two broke out into another round of giggles, when Louis phone vibrated. He reached back to pull it out.

 

-where tf r u??????????- Niall

 

“Harry!” Louis shouted, scrambling out of Harry’s lap.

 

“Wh-

 

“We have to sing!”

 

Harry’s jaw dropped open in panic and he lunged into a standing position, clumsily unlocking the door and grabbing Louis’ hand. He pulled the two of them out and just as he was about to reach the door, he slipped on what they both hoped to be water, nearly bringing Louis down with him.

 

“Harry!” Louis yelled, startled before doubling over, laughing so hard he could hardly stand.

 

Harry sat up with a blush. “Shush,” he muttered, and Louis only laughed harder.

 

It was hard for Harry to keep a straight face while Louis looked like that, face red and laugh lines so pronounced, and he joined in, carefully stepping over whatever was on the floor and pulling Louis out of the bathroom.

 

Tate was standing at the door, looking a little frazzled. He thrust his phone in Harry’s face.

 

‘I didn’t want to interrupt but you need to GO.’

 

Harry nodded, glancing over at Louis who was collecting himself.

 

“You alright?”

 

Louis wiped at his eyes. “Oh Harry, I am positively wonderful,” Louis answered, expression filled with mirth.

 

Harry blushed again and carefully tugged Louis along to where the rest of the boys were.

 

“What kept you lads?” Niall asked with an exaggerated eyebrow waggle.

 

Liam shoved Niall playfully while Zayn looked at Harry and Louis’ conjoined hands knowingly, meeting Louis’ gaze in a way that conveyed what he thought without him speaking. Louis blushed and looked up at Harry, who met his eyes and smiled softly, swinging their hands back and forth.

 

A guy interrupted them. “There you are. I have your earpieces,” he said, handing them to each.

 

They both took theirs and put them in. As soon as they were in place, they got a thumbs up and the band started playing from where they had stealthily snuck on stage, lights flashing on and off.

 

The sound of the crowd from back stage was always phenomenal. Louis’ palms began to sweat.

 

He could do this.

 

He could. It was just like it always was, except this time he was 6 months pregnant.

 

No big deal.

 

“Alright boys, quick, come close.” Liam said after catching sight of Louis.

 

They all huddled up.

 

“We’re gonna kill it, yea? We always kill it. We always deliver and this time’ll be no different,” Liam said strongly.

 

“Ignore any signs that might say mean stuff,” Zayn mumbled, chiming in. “They don’t matter.”

 

Louis nodded.

 

“If I see any nonsense I’ll take a pic and find out their address and mail them my shit.”

 

“Niall!” Liam screeched and they all chuckled.

 

“One minute guys!” someone shouted.

 

Louis felt like he was going to pass out. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t…

 

Harry took Louis’ face in his hands, staring at him.

 

“It’s going to be so amazing Lou. And we’re all up there with you. You’ve never been alone up on that stage before, and you’ll never be alone up there, ever. Do you trust me?”

 

Louis nodded, gasping, “Yes.”

 

Zayn carefully embraced him from behind, humming softly in his ear. Niall and Liam each took one of Louis’ hands, and he held them tightly.

 

The backstage crew looked on worriedly, but slowly, Louis managed to calm his breathing. The room stopped spinning and his heart stopped feeling like it would literally beat itself out of his chest. He opened his eyes and met Harry’s.

 

“Er, ten seconds guys.”

 

Zayn met the man’s eyes with a fierce glare. He flinched.

 

“Take all the time you need,” Harry said softly.

 

“I’m okay,” Louis said.

 

“You sure?” Niall asked from beside him.

 

Louis nodded, and slowly they all stepped back, giving him some room.

 

“You ready?” Zayn asked, and Louis nodded.

 

He could do this.

.

.

.

 

The screams always hit them like a physical blow. Louis could feel every eye on him, scrutinizing or admiring or plain loathing him and it settled onto him like a weight. Louis could feel himself sinking deeper and deeper, but then Harry walked by him as they spoke to the crowd, brushing the tips of his fingers against his.

 

Just like that he was grounded again.

 

He sang his heart out.

.

.

.

 

_Someone was calling him. A tiny voice, high-pitched and so very soft. Someone was touching his face. Repeated little taps that got more and more persistent as time went by. Someone was on top of him. Almost weightless, pressing against his chest and tickling his ribcage._

_“Wakeup daddy!”_

_He opened his eyes. There was no face, but a tiny body in footie pajamas._

_“You said you were gonna take me to the park today?”_

_“I did?” he found himself answering._

_“Yup!” The faceless boy nodded, sitting up on his chest._

_“I guess we’re going to the park then.” He replied, and the child cheered._

_“Papa’s making pancakes!”_

_“Is he?” he mumbled, wrapping his arms around the boy before sitting up, walking them both out of the bedroom._

_“Yea! Choco-chip!”_

_“Sounds lovely.”_

_Louis held him close. Little arms wrapped themselves around his neck. They arrived at the kitchen._

_“Papa! Daddy’s up!”_

_Harry turned around, smiling at them both with a spatula in hand and hand gripping the pan on the stove._

_“Is he now?” Harry chuckled._

_Louis walked over, kissing Harry’s cheek._

_“Morning my love.” He whispered against Harry, and Harry carefully pressed himself closer._

_“Me too Papa!”_

_Harry laughed, pressing a kiss against the faceless boy as well._

_“The kettle’s hot.” Harry said, turning back to the task at hand._

_“Oh, how you love me.” Louis said in thanks, setting the boy down at their kitchen table before helping himself to a cuppa._

_“Obviously.”_

_Louis discretely gave him a finger before sitting beside the child who was eagerly swinging his feet back and forth._

_“After pancakes we go to the park, right?”_

_“Yes baby.” Louis answered, “Right after we get ready. Then we’ll go.”_

_Harry set two plates down before the two of them before returning with his own and syrup._

_“Water or orange juice?” Harry asked._

_“OJ!” the little boy answered, and Harry poured him a small glass. He went to put it back in the fridge and Louis got up, following him. Harry glanced over at the boy who was busy with his breakfast before wrapping his arms around Louis._

_“I love you.” Harry whispered, pressing a chaste kiss against Louis’ lips._

_“I lo-_

Louis’ eyes blinked open and he sat up with a tiny gasp. It took his eyes a few moments to adjust to the darkness of the room, and when they did, he looked over at Harry who was fast asleep beside him, snoring quietly.

 

Louis pressed a hand against his chest. His heart was pounding.

 

What was that?

 

What the _hell_ was that?

He could still feel the weight of the boy in his arms. He could still feel the way his tiny palms had slapped lightly against his cheeks, and the small puffs of air as he’d giggled into the crook of his neck.

 

His baby kicked lightly and Louis’ hand automatically caressed the spot. He honestly didn’t know what to think.

 

But he’d felt so…warm.

 

He turned to Harry again. There’d been no inconsistencies between dream Harry and real Harry. The love and care he’d shown Louis in that dream was the same love and care he showed Louis now.

 

That was…

 

Louis reached to touch Harry’s hair but stopped short, drawing his hand back. Instead, he carefully slid from the bed, walking out of the room and shutting it softly behind him. From there, he walked out of their newest hotel room across the hall to Zayn’s. He nodded at the security posted before knocking. When that didn’t work, he texted.

 

-please let me in- Louis

 

A few minutes passed and Louis almost chewed off his lip before the door creaked open. Zayn peered out with bed head and droopy eyes. At the sighte of Louis, he looked more alert, quickly pulling him into a hug and kicking the door closed behind him.

 

“Come to bed, yea?” he croaked out, and Louis nodded, following along.

 

“I kicked Ni out cuz he was too excited over some movie but wanted to watch it in bed in and I was tired.”

 

Louis nodded and the two snuggled in, facing each other.

 

“So what happened?” Zayn asked after a while.

 

Louis shrugged.

 

“No, you didn’t come all the way out of bed and into mine for nothing,” Zayn mumbled, reaching out to grab Louis hand.

 

“He’s kicking,” Louis said instead, bringing Zayn’s hand down to touch his bump.

 

Zayn’s was quiet for a while before muttering, “This is always cool and all Louis, but it’s not gonna distract me from finding out what happened.”

 

Louis took a deep breath. “I had a dream about Harry.”

 

“A sex dream?”

 

“No.”

 

“Okay…then-

 

“Um, my son was there. He woke me up from sleep and like, was all like daddy and papa, and I was daddy, and when we got to the kitchen, Harry was papa. He was in an apron and like…making pancakes for us. And like…it was all super family-ish, with my kid sat at the table swinging his feet and giggling and Harry was all huggy and I was so…I don’t know, and then like, Harry kissed me and told me he loved me and I was about to say it back when I woke up.”

 

Zayn was quiet as he processed what he just heard.

 

“It was nice…really nice.” Louis continued.

 

“Louis, that’s-“

 

“Crazy, I know-“

 

“No Louis, that’s um….you had a domestic dream about your best friend who you’ve kissed and had other sexual relations with. That sounds more like love to me, mate.”

 

“No.” Louis said.

 

“No? Why no?”

 

“Because if I were in love with him, I would be sure of it. I’m not in love with him.”

 

“Louis, you’re no-

 

“I’m not Zayn, I’m not, okay, I’m not.”

 

He took a stuttering breath and Zayn immediately moved closer, awkwardly pulling him into a hug.

 

“Alright Louis, it’s alright. It’s fine. Take a few deep breaths for me mate.” he mumbled, and Louis shook his head.

 

“Zayn if…if I ever fall in love with him like…like I’ll be putting so much extra responsibility on him and like, I’m having a baby and he’d have to like, help me raise him and-

 

“Louis. Shut up.”

 

Louis bit his lip.

 

“You’re daft if you thnk Harry’s not already thinking of like, what crib you’ll need and googling baby carriages and what not. He was and is gonna help you raise your little brat whether he’s in love with you or not. All of us are. So freak out about something else.”

 

Louis frowned, finding it easier to breath but a little miffed. “You’re mean.” he mumbled into Zayn’s chest, and Zayn hugged him closer.

 

“Your breathing went back to normal, so.”

 

Louis hummed and closed his eyes.

 

“You need to mark that down in your journal though.”

 

“I know.” Louis whispered.

 

“And tell your doctor about your dream. She can probably help her better than you can.”

 

Louis frowned. “I guess.” he mumbled.

 

“Good.” Zayn planted a wet kiss on his temple.

 

“Zayn please, gross.”

 

“You love me though.”

 

“With all my heart. Still gross though.”

 

“Hm.”

 

Louis smiled. “Thank you though. For talking me out of my panic.”

 

“Anytime, babe.”

 

Zayn softly sang him to sleep.

.

.

.

 

Harry blinked awake, rolling over onto a cold other half of the bed.

 

“Lou?” he mumbled sleepily, wiping at his eyes.

  
When he got no answer, he sat up, looking around.

 

“Lou?” he tried again a little louder.

 

He frowned at the empty room, getting out of the bed, scratching his chest lightly. He grabbed his phone from under the pillow and checked his messages.

 

-He’s with me- Zayn

 

Harry’s frown deepened. He walked out of the room and into the hallway, knocking in Zayn’s door.

 

-Door’s open- Zayn

 

Harry let himself in and walked to the bedroom. Zayn peered up at him from under the covers.

 

“He’s asleep.” he whispered.

 

Harry nodded and looked over a lightly snoring Louis before looking at Zayn with questioning eyes.

 

“He wanted to talk to me about something. It’s fine.”

 

Harry sighed, reluctantly accepting that answer.

 

“Where’s Niall.”

 

“With Liam. Should we wake him up? We have rehearsal in like 3 hours.”

 

Harry shook his head. “Let him sleep. We know everything already. If anything we can just to a quick sound check. I’ll text them.”

 

“Not call?”

 

“I don’t want to hear Will’s voice to be honest.”

 

“Call Sarah then.”

 

Harry just shrugged and sent the text to both of them. He then walked over to Zayn’s side. “Scoot over.”

 

Zayn pouted and moved, making space for Harry who slid in.

 

“Cuddle me.” Harry demanded, and Zayn rolled his eyes, pulling him close.

 

“I wanna be the little spoon,” Harry whispered.

 

“Of course you do, Harry,” Zayn sighed fondly, poking Harry’s side.

 

Harry snorted.

 

“What’s happening?” Louis asked sleepily.

 

Both froze.

 

“Uhh, hi Lou.” said Harry.

 

“Haz.” Louis mumbled cheerily.

 

Zayn rolled his eyes again, sitting up.

 

“Come to the middle, Louis.” he mumbled, getting up.

 

Louis scooted over, cuddling up to Harry before reaching for Zayn’s hand, who took it as he settled in again.

 

“The things I do for love.” he muttered.

 

“What?” Harry and Louis asked.

 

“Nothing, nothing.”

 

Louis nodded and fell back asleep almost instantly.

 

.

.

.

 

“You know, I’m offended that there was a group cuddle here and we weren’t invited.”

 

All three startled awake to see Niall standing there with his arms crossed and Liam pouting.

 

“The shut up and join.” Louis answered tiredly.

 

“There’s not enough space.” Harry mumbled.

 

“I’ll make some.” Liam said, diving onto the bed.

 

“Oh my God, please guys-

 

“Shush. Move-

 

“Niall please, your feet are cold.” Zayn whined.

 

“Suffer.”

 

Louis giggled, yelping when someone lightly kneed his stomach.

 

“Precious cargo here, please be careful,”

 

“Oh please, I barely touched you. You think I’m gonna knee him out the womb?”

 

Louis glared.

 

“I’m gonna pray for a ripe fart and catch you in the case while you sleep.”

 

Niall hollered. “Not if I get you first.”

 

Everyone’s eyes widened.

 

“No, let’s not do this, thanks.” Liam said, raising his arms worriedly.

 

Niall pouted and Louis tugged his hair fondly.

 

“Poor baby, everyone’s afraid of your arse.” he laughed, and Niall’s pout turned to a smirk.

 

“Well, most people love yours, especially, Har-

 

“WOW we should get back to sleep, yea!?” Harry interrupted.

 

Zayn burst into laughter and Liam shushed him. Louis looked around slightly confused but rolled his eyes instead, lying back down.

 

“Whatever. Harry, my darling, if when I wake up I could have tea and toast, that’d be lovely.”

 

“I’ll make you a full English breakfast. Anything for you, Lou.”

 

“I think Louis’ blushing.” Niall joked.

 

“I think YOU need to shu-

 

“Go to sleep!” Zayn yelled, and it was so out of character for him that they all did just that.

.

.

.

 

 

“How are your dreams, Louis?”

 

Louis looked up at Dr. Leslie from where he was staring at his hands.

 

“Vivid.” he answered.

 

“Care to elaborate.”

 

“Can we talk about something else?”

 

“Of course we can.” she said kindly. “Always remember that we move at your pace.”

 

He nodded, and she wrote something down.

 

“How have your panic attacks been.”

 

Looked at his bag on the floor where his journal lay.

 

“Um, there’s been a lot less of them. I still have a few though.”

 

“And how strong are they.”

 

“Not as bad. I calm down faster.”

 

“Do you think there has been an improvement?”

 

He thought about the ones where he literally thought he was dying.

 

“Definitely.”

 

“Good, so perhaps we’ll stick with this prescription. You’ll probably have a similar talk with Dr. Omar at your next appointment with him.”

 

He nodded.

.

.

.

 

They were in Germany in a van on their way to the next venue, stuck in a bit of traffic when Louis felt it.

 

The baby turned and pressed himself right against Louis’ bladder. Louis’ arm flew to Harry’s thigh, gripping it and he hunched over suddenly.

 

Harry choked, Zayn dropped his phone and Niall went blank.

 

“Jesus Joseph and Mary is it coming!?” Liam screamed and the driver swerved the van slightly in alarm.

 

“Pee!” Louis said, focused on not pissing himself.

 

Everyone stared at him for a moment.

 

“Lou what-

 

“Harry I’m literally about to pee myself.” he gasped again. “I think he’s on my bladder, I read that in some pregnancy thing somewhere I don’t know Paul drive the car I swear-

 

Niall burst into laughter.

 

“Niall stop,” Louis said, fighting down his own laughter, “if I laugh I really will pee-

 

“Where’s the nearest rest stop?” Harry asked the driver.

 

“Umm-

 

Louis cursed softly, placing his other hand on his stomach.

 

“Nevermind.” Harry answered, opening the van door.

 

They all yelled while someone honked them but he ignored them, reaching in and tugging Louis out into his arms bridal style.

 

“Harry Edward Styles what in-

 

Harry took off at a slight jog and Louis screeched in laughter and a slight amount of pain.

 

“I hate this and you so much but run faster please before I piss all over your nice floral shirt.”

 

Harry smiled as he maneuvered his way through the traffic.

 

“We just have to squeeze our way across the street.”

 

“People are taking pictures. Christ.” Louis mumbled before moaning softly.

 

“Smile.” Harry said.

 

Louis gave them the finger instead before glaring at his stomach. “Can you relax!”

 

“What?”

 

“Not you, the baby.”

 

“Oh, yea, calm down in there. Your dad is not happy with you right now.”

 

Louis found it adorable but he reached to tug at Harry’s hair instead.

 

“Faster!”

 

“I don’t want to drop you-

 

“I’m going to shower the streets of Germany with my urine, Harold!”

 

“Faster. You got it.”

 

“I’m not gonna make it.” Louis whined and Harry got an extremely determined look on his face.

 

“Yes the hell you will.”

 

The last car was in his way and he carefully stepped on to of it.

 

“I’m so sorry sir. I’ll pay for any damages, I swear!”

 

Louis looked up to the sky.

 

“Take me into your loving arms, Lord.”

 

“Shut up.” Harry chided softly, racing down the street into the nearest shop.”

 

“Bathroom!” Louis screamed and the lady at the register jumped, quickly leading them to the back.

 

Louis started unbuttoning his pants as they rushed into the bathroom.

 

“Put me down, damn everything, oh my-

 

He started to trickle and he just sat, not bothering to aim. Harry laughed as Louis sighed in relief. Louis glared up at him, just realizing they were holding hands.

 

“You’re holding my hands while I pee. This is so-

 

“Wonderful.” Harry finished, his laugh turning near hysterical. Louis couldn’t help but join in.

 

“This is gonna be all over the news.” Louis moaned softly, finishing up and fixing himself. Harry stood back to give him room.

 

“At least you didn’t like, whip your dick out in the middle of the road.”

 

Louis snorted, flushing the toilet and moving to wash his hands.

 

“My hero.” he said sarcastically.

 

Harry carefully wrapped his arms around him from behind as he washed, leaning to rest his head on Louis’ shoulders. Louis leaned back tiredly.

 

“Why is it always the bathroom?” he asked wearily, and Harry’s eyebrows furrowed.

 

“What?”

 

“When something happens with us. Why is it the bathroom? We’ve made out in the bathroom, we’ve had like, serious talks in the bathroom, we got stuck in the bathroom when that guy took that massive dump-

 

“I confessed in the bathroom.”

 

Louis stopped short, looking up into Harry’s eyes. Neither moved for a moment before Harry reached and grabbed a paper towel for Louis, who took it silently, drying his hands and tossing it into the garbage.

 

“C’mon. Let’s get back to the boys.” Harry sad with a smile, taking Louis’ hand in his.

 

Louis let himself be led. He kept his gaze on their hands as they found their back to their van. The boys were literally laid out, crying with laughter.

 

“It’s already on youtube.” Niall gasped out.

 

“You stepped on someone’s car you maniac!” Liam screeched.

 

Louis put his head in his hands as they crawled in the car.

 

He laughed along with the rest of the boys while they joked and honestly cried some more.

 

His mind wasn’t focused though.

 

Harry’s hand was still in his, and he couldn’t stop the dream from playing in his head, over and over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I NEED you guys to understand that I honest to God had Bonnie Tyler’s I Need a Hero playing while I wrote that ‘gotta pee’ scene.
> 
> It was wonderful.
> 
> I love you all so so so so much.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: mentions of non-con, descriptions of non-con, sexual situations

“I’m ready.”

.

.

.

 

Louis figured he should be used to the cold of the ultrasound gel but he still flinched when the doctor lathered it onto his stomach.  His eyes automatically drifted to the screen to his left and he gazed at the grainy image.

 

“There he is,” the doctor whispered, as the sound of his baby’s heartbeat filled the room, strong and loud as ever.

 

She moved the tool around, and Louis watched as the image shifted with her movements. “Everything is looking a-okay.”

 

Louis nodded, and she shut off the machine before wiping down his stomach. He slowly sat up.

 

“Dr. Minnie is waiting for you in the usual room.”

 

Louis nodded again and fixed his shirt before slowly getting off the seat. He walked silently down the hall, nurses and doctors nodding at him as he passed. Before long he was at the door to Dr. Minnie’s room and he peeked in.

 

“Louis, how are you?” she asked, standing up with a smile.

 

“I’m alright,” he mumbled, hoisting himself up on the bed.

 

“Well, from what was sent to me from your ultrasound, everything is looking good. Welcome to your seventh month, Louis,” she said with a brighter smile.

 

Seven months. He was seven months pregnant.

 

A more serious expression settled on her face as he made himself comfortable.

 

“Louis, I need to do an internal exam.”

 

Louis paled.

 

“There are differences between male and female pregnancies, obviously, and it is typically during the third trimester for males that we start doing more intimate examinations.”

 

“And by that, you mean you’re going to stick your fingers up my arse.”

 

“That is…the gist of it, yes. Naturally, I will use gloves, and lubricant-

 

“Is it mandatory?” Louis asked, and she sighed softly.

 

“It’s highly recommended, as in extremely highly recommended. It’s for the safety of your baby. We need t make sure all is alright down there before delivery, as it can lead to problems that can be deadly for you and your baby as you give birth.”

 

Louis slowly nodded. “I…alright.”

 

“Alright. I’m going to ask for you to remove your bottom garments. You can fold them and place them on that chair over there. I’ll give you some privacy. You can use that to cover yourself.”

 

Louis nodded and she gave him a soft smile before leaving. The door shut behind her and Louis got to work, slowly kicking off his Vans, then moving to his joggers, pulling them and tossing them over on the chair along with his boxers. He grabbed the surgical sheet used to cover his privates and another minute or so passed before Dr. Minnie asked if she could enter.

 

“Yea,” Louis answered softly, and she quietly let herself in.

 

“Alright, now if you could lie back and spread your legs for me.”

 

Louis did as she asked, heart pounding. He could feel himself beginning to sweat. Nothing had been up there except for… _him_. He watched as his doctor pulled on gloves before grabbing a small bottle.

 

“This lubricant has ben warmed to make it a little more comfortable for you.”

 

He nodded again, looking up at the ceiling.

 

“I’m going to insert my finger, alright?” she asked, and he nodded for what seemed to be the tenth time in just a few minutes.

 

He found he couldn’t talk. His breath hitched as he felt her finger gently slide in him and-

 

_“You’re so tight for me, Tommo. So tight, God, so tight.”_

Louis’ vision blurred, and his hearing seemed to vanish completely.

 

“-uis! Lo-! Louis! Louis, I n-d you to –eathe! I nee- -om- help in –ere!”

 

_“Do you like how that feels? Because I love it. It feels so good. So good for me, Tommo.”_

_“Does it really feel that good?”_

_“I wish you could feel him. He’s so tight and warm for me. The best.”_

_“I’m so good at getting them for you.”_

_“Yes, you are.”_

“Tell me your favorite movie.”

 

What?

 

“Your favorite movie, Louis.”

 

“Grease,” he mumbled.

 

_Someone was panting over him, their hot breath was blowing in his face, guttural moans ghosting across his skin-_

“You were in that play in high school, right? Who did you play?”

 

He played…

 

“Danny,” he gasped.

 

“Oh, so you were a stud then?”

 

A stud…

 

“Tell me about it, stud,” he found himself mumbling, and his eyes blinked open.

For a moment all he saw was green. Then the green seemed to come together more, black taking shape in the middle, white surrounding both…eyes.

 

They were eyes.

 

Harry’s eyes.

 

…

 

Harry?

 

“Yea, Lou, it’s me.”

 

Did he say that aloud?

 

Louis blinked again. His thoughts were sluggish. He looked around for a moment before realizing he was on the floor. He glanced next to him and saw…Dr. Leslie, and Dr. Minnie kneeling beside him. Dr. Minnie had his arm on her lap, two fingers on his wrist.

 

“His pulse is calming down.” she said, looking to a point he couldn’t see.

 

He slowly lifted his head up, seeing another doctor and a few nurses, all looking ready to leap into action.

 

What the hell?

 

“You had a panic attack and what looks like a bit of a flashback,” Dr. Leslie calmly. “You were moving quite a bit and Dr. Minnie managed to get you get you on the floor so you wouldn’t fall while you reacted.”

 

Oh. He needed to write that in his journal.

 

“You can write it down later, Louis. Don’t worry about that right now.” Dr. Leslie said, and he could feel Harry’s fingers caressing his scalp.

 

He said that out loud too. Why?

 

“You’re coming back to yourself, and there is a bit of a disconnect in your body. You’re trying to catch up. It’s alright.”

 

He nodded, trying to focus on shutting up.

 

“Dr. Minnie was giving you an internal examination. Can you remember that?”

 

He closed his eyes for a moment, and he did. He remembered the feel of her finger inside him and then he couldn’t distinguish it from _him_ being inside him and he figured that’s when everything went to hell.

 

He opened his eyes again and nodded.

 

“Okay, good. That is the most likely trigger for this panic episode. She called for help and then contacted me and your emergency contact, Harry.”

 

Louis’ eyebrows furrowed. “But you…you had a thing,” Louis muttered, words lightly slurred.

 

Harry smiled down at him. “As if anything on my schedule is more important than you, Lou.”

 

 

Louis blushed. “You’re always so nice to me, Harry.”

 

He closed his eyes for a bit longer, and when he opened them again, he felt more steady.

 

“Do you want to try sitting up?” Dr. Minnie asked, and Louis nodded.

 

Harry’s hands were suddenly under his armpits, slowly pulling him up until he was between Harry’s legs, leaning against his chest.

 

“Do you feel dizzy?” Dr. Minnie asked him, and no, he didn’t.

 

He shook his head.

 

“Could you try to keep your answers verbal? Extra reassurance that you’re feeling better.”

 

“I’m alright. Kind of tired, but I’m alright.”

 

Also super embarrassed and pissed off at himself, but whatever. But at least he wasn’t voicing his thoughts anymore.

 

He looked down and realized he was still naked from the waist down, but at least he was covered.

 

Dr. Leslie stood up and grabbed his boxers, handing them to him.

 

“Do you think you could put these on? It will probably help you feel more comfortable.”

 

“Yea,” he answered softly, taking them from her.

 

It took him a bit, as his hands were still shaking, but he managed to pull them on without exposing himself.

 

“Alright, now we’re going to work on standing up. Are you ready?” Dr. Minnie asked.

 

“Yea,” he repeated, and Harry moved from behind him and a nurse stepped in front of him, taking his hands while Harry steadied him from the back. Together, they managed to get him standing, and he took a few breaths.

 

“Are you feeling dizzy?” asked Dr. Minnie.

 

“No,” Louis answered.

 

Dr. Leslie handed him his joggers. The nurse in front of them knelt down and helped him into them.

 

“Thank you,” he whispered, still embarrassed but grateful.

 

“Do you feel weak?” Dr. Minnie asked.

 

“A little, yea.”

 

“Help him to the chair.”

 

Harry was a constant presence behind him as he slowly moved before settling into the chair. Louis let out a breath, instantly feeling more grounded.

 

“As you’re probably getting more used to, the body requires a bit of time to adjust and get back up to speed after an episode. It takes a lot out of you.”

 

“Okay,” Louis answered, looking down at his lap.

 

Dr. Leslie looked around before speaking to Dr. Minnie. “DO you think we could give him a bit of breathing room? There are a lot of people in here.”

 

Dr. Minnie nodded, as he now seemed to be out of imminent danger. The extra doctor and nurses nodded, stepping out. She shut the door behind them, and Dr. Leslie walked over to Louis, sitting in another chair so they were eye-level.

 

“I need you to understand that what just happened here is not your fault, and you are not weak for it having happened.”

 

Louis shrugged, keeping his eyes on his lap.

 

“Harry, Dr. Minnie, could you leave the room for a moment please?”

 

Harry bit his lip but complied, following the other woman out.

 

“Look at me please, Louis.”

 

He slowly met her gaze.

 

“You were raped, Louis.”

 

He flinched at the word, but held her gaze.

 

“You were horribly assaulted and your mind and body are doing everything they can to cope, but it is hard. And what just happened, that was the first time any type of penetration took place since your attack. Is it truly that surprising that you reacted so negatively?”

 

Louis opened his mouth to argue, before he truly thought about what she was saying. She…she wasn’t wrong.

 

“Well? Is it?”

 

“No,” he answered quietly.

 

“Right. It isn’t surprising. You weren’t comfortable and your body reacted.”

 

Louis slowly nodded.

 

“None of this is your fault Louis. This is the result of cruelty.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“So what happened today, is not your fault. Can you tell me that, please?”

 

Louis looked away. “I…”

 

She stared at him for a moment longer. “Alright.”

 

“Can you stand up?”

 

Louis nodded. He felt much better. Physically, at least. “I need help with my shoes though.”

 

Sometimes if he bent down too low he got dizzy.

 

“Of course,” she answered softly, helping him into them and doing the laces. He then stood up, and she made sure he looked completely balanced before walking out to get the others.

 

Dr. Minnie walked back in, Harry in tow. Harry immediately stood beside Louis, taking his hand.

 

She asked him a bunch of questions about how he was feeling, before checking his blood pressure among other things. He stared at the wall as she did so, letting everything pass him.

 

“Alright, you’re good to go.”

 

Louis blinked before nodding, sliding off the bed.

 

“But before you do, I just want to apologize. I should have taken your situation into account and considered the possible reactions you would have to this examination,” Dr. Minnie said.

 

Louis shrugged. “It’s okay.”

 

She shook her head. “It isn’t though. My job is to try to make everything about this pregnancy go as smoothly as possible. As such, I’ll be working with Dr. Leslie to find a way to help you get through this examination without triggering you.”

 

Louis bit his lip. He didn’t really want to do it all, but he kind of had too.

 

“Alright,” he muttered.

 

“I’ll be in touch,” Dr. Minnie said, and Louis gave her a small wave before leaving, Harry’s hand still in his.

 

Dr. Leslie walked with them until they got to the elevator.

 

“I’ll see you at our next session, Louis. Until then, please take it easy. Perhaps you should have a bit of a nap when you get home to sleep off any lingering exhaustion.”

 

Louis nodded.

 

The elevator showed up and he stepped inside. She smiled at him before the doors closed. Inside, it was quiet. They were the only two inside, and neither looked at the other. The ride down was fast, and they made it to their floor uninterrupted, meeting up with two of their security team and escorted to the van. Louis slid in first, Harry right behind him.

 

Louis gazed out of the window as they were driven, eyes flicking back and forth, catching glimpses of the passing scenery.

 

“Lou,” Harry whispered.

 

“What, Harry?” Louis asked, keeping his eyes on the window.

 

Harry’s thumb traced small circles against the back of Louis’ hand where it was still held. When he didn’t get an answer, he turned to meet Harry’s eyes.

 

“I’m alright. Just tired,” Louis mumbled with a sigh, moving to lean on Harry’s shoulder.

 

Harry bit his lip. It looked pretty clear to him that Louis was not alright at all.

 

“Why did you talk about Grease?” Louis asked suddenly, closing his eyes.

 

“Um, your therapist said to try asking about things you really enjoyed to help draw you out of the flashback. I know you love Grease. We’ve only watched it a thousand times,” Harry joked lightly.

 

Louis smiled., before asking, “What time is our train?”

 

Harry grabbed his phone, seeing quite a few unanswered texts.

 

“In like two hours. At least we’re packed. You have some time to sleep.”

 

“Good,” Louis answered, already beginning to doze off. The schedule was pretty exhausting. They went to Germany, performed two huge concerts, and back to London, so he could keep up with his appointments, and next they were headed to Ireland, where they had two more major concerts to perform, and then they’d immediately head back to London again, to keep up with his appointments, and finish off the last portion of their concerts there. Between traveling, and the excessive amount of promo they were doing in between, Louis was kind of…drifting.  His boys had decided to follow Louis’ schedule instead of making it easier on themselves by just going straight instead of back and fourth, and part of him was angry that it had to be that way in the first place, but the other was shamefully happy that they didn’t leave him alone.

 

Emphasis on shamefully.

 

But at least the fans were happy. They didn’t deserve to suffer for his mistakes.

.

.

.

 

Louis slightly came to Harry helping him out of the van. He let Harry guide him to a comfortable chair in a private lounge at the station, and immediately fell back asleep. He vaguely heard Zayn humming softly from beside him, and a sleepy smile crossed his face before he was out completely.

.

.

.

 

The next time Louis woke up they were on the train. He blinked tiredly, yawning and stretching a bit.

 

“Welcome back,” Liam said softly, handing him a bottle of water.

 

Zayn looked up from his book, reaching across and nudging Louis softly with his socked foot. His shoes were under his chair. Louis smiled in return, opening the water and taking a few sips. A bag slapped him in the face and he glared over at Niall who shrugged and went back to looking through his phone. Louis opened its contents, finding a few donut holes.

 

He could tolerate Niall’s rudeness for these, he supposed. He popped one in his mouth before looking around for Harry, finding him curled up much smaller than you’d think he could go, fast asleep in the chair beside him.

 

“How are you feeling?” Zayn asked quietly.

 

“I’m alright,” Louis answered with a shrug, peeling his eyes away from Harry’s sleeping face.

 

“Hm,” was all Zayn said, and Louis frowned.

 

“What?” he asked.

 

“Nothing,” Zayn mumbled, turning the page of his book.

 

Louis licked the glaze off his fingers, reaching for a napkin. “Well, clearly it’s not nothing.”

 

“Boys,” Liam said with a frown, looking between the two of them.

 

Zayn looked up, the light brown of his eyes piercing. “I just thought we were getting past that whole, ‘I’m fine when I’m really not’ thing is all,” he said, looking back down at his book.

 

“And how do you know I’m not fine?” Louis asked, slightly annoyed.

 

“Because I know you Louis,” Zayn replied with a sigh.

 

“Hm,” was all Louis said in return, focusing his gaze on Harry again.

 

The baby moved around a little, and Louis shifted to make himself a bit more comfortable. A few strands of Harry’s hair was in his mouth and Louis leaned over, gently brushing them away from his face, before settling back down to stare. Harry’s mouth was in a small pout, and Louis wondered if he was dreaming or probably uncomfortable with the position he’d fallen asleep in. It wasn’t good for his back. The first two buttons of Harry’s shirt was undone, and he could see the sparrows peeking out from where they adorned his skin. Louis swallowed, looking away, meeting Zayn’s eyes.

 

Zayn looked back down at his book.

 

The rest of the ride passed by in relative silence, Liam and Niall whispering to each other and Zayn turning the pages of his book. Harry snored every once in a while and Louis kept watch over him, finding himself unable to really focus on anything  else.

 

When they finally made it to Ireland, Niall hooted.

 

“Yea bitch!” he shouted happily, and the other boys laughed.

 

Harry rubbed his eyes sleepily, and Louis took his hand in his own.

 

“Let me guide you this time,” Louis said with a soft blush, and Harry smiled down at him.

 

“Sure,” he mumbled.

 

“My parents are inviting you all for dinner if you want,” Niall said as they loaded up into the vans waiting for them.

 

“As if we’d turn down a home-cooked meal,” Liam said with a laugh, shoving Niall playfully.

 

“Why don’t we just head there now instead of going back and forth,” Harry suggested, glancing at Louis meaningfully before meeting the other’s eyes.

 

“I don’t mind,” Zayn said with a nod.

 

“I’ll go talk to security,” Liam added, walking over to where their suitcases were being loaded.

 

Louis looked between all of them. “It’s fine you know, if you want to relax at the hotel first. I’m fine guys, really,” he said with a sigh.

 

“What, so my house isn’t relaxing?” Niall asked, and Louis rolled his eyes.

 

“I’m gonna go pee,” he said, giving Niall the finger and walking off. Harry moved to follow him. “You gonna hold my willy for me?” Louis asked, stopping to look at him.

 

“If you want me too,” Harry answered, wagging his brows.

 

“God,” Louis said, walking away faster to hide his blush.

.

.

.

 

Niall’s family home was just as warm and inviting as Louis remembered it to be. He sank down into a soft leather couch with a sigh. He looked to where Niall was setting up his game system so they could play FIFA. Harry was of course, in the kitchen, helping Maura, and Zayn and Liam were sitting in a corner, having a quiet conversation. He watched them for a moment before zoning out, thinking about the disaster that had been his check-up earlier.

 

It was obvious that it’d be brought up at his next therapy session. But he honestly had to find a way to stop being so afraid of that examination. He had to do it. The thought of having to go through with it had heart speeding up again, and he closed his eyes, softly taking a few deep breaths.

 

Just thinking about it had him anxious.

 

They told him that they would work to find out some sort of solution to make it easier for him, but he honestly had no idea how they could possibly get him to be even slightly more comfortable with it.

 

He ran his hand through his hair, and just sat, thinking.

 

His eyes popped open.

 

Unless…

 

Oh…

 

That could…

 

Louis bit his lip, because that was a selfish thought, but maybe he could-

 

Harry walked out of the kitchen, wiping wet hands on his jeans before sitting next to Louis. Louis looked at him, wide-eyed.

 

“Lou?” Harry asked with a small frown.

 

“Nothing,” Louis said, shaking his head and turning his attention to the tv where Niall was now playing with Liam.

 

Lo-

 

“Zayn! I need to talk to you,” Louis said, interrupting Harry and standing up.

 

Zayn looked up at him before glancing at Harry and standing up. “Alright,” he said unsurely, following after Louis.

 

Louis could feel Harry’s gaze on him as the two left, heading upstairs into Niall’s old bedroom. Zayn shut the door behind him and the two sat on Niall’s bed.

 

“I’m kind of freaking out,” Louis mumbled, hiding his face in his hands.

 

“Why?” Zayn asked, “I mean, I know you were pissed at me for pressing you earlier, but you can talk later, you don’t have to rush,” he continued, trying to placate Louis who was looking more and more distraught.

 

“It’s not about that, well not really, um,”

 

“Louis, it’s okay,” Zayn said, moving a little closer.

 

Louis took a deep breath. “I, I mean, I can’t tell you everything but, I’m thinking about doing something that has the potential to be the biggest disaster ever and I kind of need you to tell me everything will be okay,” Louis said, voice trailing off into a whisper by the end.

 

Zayn watched him for a while before grabbing his hands. “I…I can’t guarantee everything will be okay without details Louis,”

 

Louis wanted to throw something.

 

“But…I _can_ guarantee that you can come to me regardless. If it goes great, you can come to me. If it’s a catastrophe, you can come to me. So whatever this is, you’re not alone. You know this, babe.”

 

Louis stared at Zayn quietly, and Zayn said nothing, letting him think.

 

“Okay,” Louis finally said.

 

Zayn smiled, kissing him on the cheek before helping him up.

 

“Food’s almost ready, I think. You feeling a little better?”

 

“Yea,” Louis said.

 

He really was.

.

.

.

 

There were a three free days before the first of the Ireland performances, and Louis used that time to get a handle on himself and exactly what he was thinking of doing. He did plenty of research, figuring that the more he looked into it, the calmer he’d feel about the whole thing.

 

He ran a towel through his hair, drying it the best he could before tossing it and looking at the mirror.

 

Deep breaths.

 

He would be okay.

 

He stepped out of the bathroom, climbing onto the bed before grabbing his phone, answering a few texts when Harry stepped in, in just a pair of jeans and nothing else.

 

Oh boy.

 

“You alright?” Harry asked, walking over to bedside table and grabbing his mug, taking a sip.

 

Louis nodded, taking another deep breath.

 

“Harry…can you…can you do me a favor?”

 

Harry looked over at him, taking in Louis’ expression and nodding slowly, taking another sip.

 

“Can you…can you finger me?”

 

Harry choked, slamming the mug down and coughing loudly. It took him a moment to catch his breath, and he stared at Louis, eyes wide.

 

“Pardon?” he coughed out.

 

“Can you, um…finger me? Please…”

 

Harry stared at him, mouth agape before slowly sitting down on the bed, facing Louis.

 

“Um, I figured, a way for me to, maybe, relax a bit more the next time Dr. Minnie tries to examine me, was for me to hopefully experience something more…pleasurable, if that makes sense? Because I doubt they’ll be able to like, figure out how to not have me panic every time they try and, I dunno, it sounds really stupid, I’m sure-

 

“Is this why you’ve been so quiet? Ever since we got here you’ve been out of it. You’ve been thinking about this the whole time?”

 

Louis bit his lip, looking down at his lip. “Yea.”

 

“You asked Zayn about this?”

 

“Um, I didn’t tell him the specifics but he knows something is up,” Louis answered honestly, “And I know it’s super selfish and disgusting of me to ask and I’m so sorry for even thinking this was a good idea in the first place-

 

“Louis,” Harry said, interrupting his rambling.

 

Louis looked up to meet Harry’s gaze and his breath caught, because Harry looked…

 

There was an intense look to Harry that Louis’ come to associate whenever things got…hot and heavy between them, and this was the most profound he’d ever seen it.

 

“I…” Harry started, trailing off to swallow and lick his lips, not knowing what else to say.

 

“If you’re afraid you’ll hurt me, I get it, but I know you’d never do it on purpose. But I also know that you’ll, try your best to make it pleasurable, and I trust you,” Louis said quietly.

 

Harry didn’t say anything, instead rising from the bed and walking to the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. Louis watched him go, reaching up to bite his nails. He heard the sink turn on, and it was a few minutes before Harry returned, a bottle in his hand.

 

“Lube,” Harry said softly, getting back on the bed. “Do you, honest to everything, one hundred percent, want me to do this. I, Louis, this can go really badly, and I… want to help, but can’t say that, I won’t like, get something out of this, because-

 

“That’s...its fine if you um, do. I don’t mind. I’m shamelessly using you so it’s-

 

“If I didn’t want to help, I’d say no. You’re not using me, Louis. We’re…working together,” Harry mumbled, rolling the bottle back and forth on his thigh.

 

“I trust you, Harry. I thought about it and I know there are lots of risks and if something goes wrong, it won’t be your fault,” Louis answered.

 

Harry was silent for a moment, thinking. “What about the cum?” he asked, and Louis bit his lip.

 

“I figured it was about time I got rid of that fear too-

 

“No, one at a time. I’ll…I’ll take care of it. I’ll take care of you.”

 

He got up and went back into the bathroom, returning with a towel. Louis watched as he settled back on the bed, unsure of what would happen next.

 

“Can I….can I kiss you?” Harry asked.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Lay back, on some pillows.”

 

Louis got comfortable, before looking up at the ceiling. Harry set the lube on the table before crawling to Louis, hovering above him. Slowly, he leaned down, planting his lips softly on Louis’. The tension of the entire situation seems to immediately propel them forward, not giving a damn about the formalities, and their tongues were soon sliding against the other’s. Louis reached up to tangle his hands in Harry’s hair, tugging lightly, getting a small grunt out of the other male. One of Harry’s hands played with the top of Louis’ sleep pants, the other focused on helping him remain above Louis in a way that he wasn’t resting his entre weight on Louis’ swollen belly.

 

At this point, Louis couldn’t bother denying that he loved kissing Harry. Harry was…an exceptional kisser.

 

Harry was an exceptional everything.

 

Louis found himself losing track of his thoughts and just feeling. He drifted, reveling in the feel of Harry’s tongue against his, Harry’s labored breathing, tiny moans, Harry’s hand, trailing lightly against his hip bone…

 

Louis let his other hand scrape lightly against Harry’s back, and Harry hissed. Harry pulled away from Louis’ lips and instead let them adorn Louis’ neck with some love to, licking from the collarbone up, and sucking softly.

 

Louis shuddered, panting.

 

Their makeup artist was going to be pissed at the amount of attention Harry was giving his neck right now. Tate too, probably.

 

Tate…

 

But enough about that, because honestly, Louis couldn’t find it in him to care.

 

At least not right now.

 

Harry pulled away from Louis neck, admiring his work before plundering Louis’ mouth again, and yea, so far, so good. Harry adjusted his position  and his knee brushed against Louis dick.

 

So far, so _great_.

 

Finally, Harry stopped, hovering over Louis’ face.

 

“How do you feel?” he asked softly.

 

Louis slowly opened his eyes, taking a moment to catch his breath. “Good,” he panted, staring up at Harry’ struggling find the greens in Harry’s eyes while they were so overcome by black.

 

“I need you to tell me immediately if you need me to stop, okay? This is all at your pace.”

 

Louis nodded, biting his lip again because things were about to get very serious.

 

“I’m going to take off your pants now,” Harry whispered.

 

“Okay.”

 

Harry carefully pulled off Louis pants, and then underwear, staring down at Louis and biting his lip.

 

“Harry?” Louis asked when Harry didn’t move.

 

“Sorry,” Harry mumbled, reaching over and grabbing some lube, “Distracted was all,” he said, even quiet as he coated his fingers.

 

“Spread your legs a little, please.”

 

Louis did as he was told, trying to regulate his breathing. It would be fine.

 

“Are you ready?” Harry asked softly, and Louis nodded.

 

Harry looked down for a moment, before meeting Louis eyes. “I’m gonna do one finger first, okay?”

 

Louis nodded again, and flinched as he felt Harry’s finger gently, and very slowly, insert itself.

 

“I need you to talk to me, Louis,” Harry said, and Louis struggled to find the words.

 

“I, um, it’s…” he took a deep breath, trying to stay grounded, “it’s weird, but keep going. I’m okay…”

 

Harry nodded, pushing further in. Louis shuddered.

 

“You’re breathing really hard, Lou,” Harry said softly, and Louis opened his eyes.

 

“Sorry,” Louis whispered, and Harry shook his head.

 

“Don’t apologize,” Harry said, planting a soft kiss against Louis’ thigh. “Do you want me to move?”

 

Louis took a moment to answer. “Yea.”

 

Harry complied, and for a split second, Louis thought he was bound gagged again.

 

_“So tight for me Tommo.”_

 

“Stop stop stop stop,” Louis said, almost frantically, and Harry immediately stilled.

 

Louis clenched his eyes shut, breathing in and out, fingers clenching the sheets underneath him. Slowly, he managed to shove those negative thoughts out of the way, and he opened his eyes again to look at Harry, who was watching him worriedly.

 

“Am I tight?” Louis asked suddenly, and Harry blinked.

 

“Um, are you-

 

“If I am, never tell me,” Louis added, slightly breathless, and Harry nodded, “Alright, Lou, I won’t. But are you okay? Do you want me to stop?”

 

Louis shook his head. “Put another in.”

 

Harry bit his lip. “In a bit,” he answered, watching Louis for a moment before continuing his ministrations. “How does it feel?”

 

“Like you have a finger in my arse, Harry.”

 

Louis was beginning to feel something else, and he wasn’t entirely sure exactly what, but he wanted to feel more of it, please and thank you. After that mini setback, he wasn’t as, wound up.

 

“Which finger are you using?”

 

“Index. Middle coming up…now.”

 

He slowly pulled his finger slightly out, before adding the middle and carefully pushing them both in. Louis sighed softly. He still didn’t feel one hundred percent, but-

 

Harry slightly spread his fingers and Louis found himself gasping.

 

 

His toes curled, because that was-

 

Harry did it again and Louis took a deep breath, pressing his head back against the pillow.

 

“Lou, how does that feel?”

 

“Keep doing that,” Louis answered instead, and Harry did, and Louis kind of, felt like he was slowly catching aflame.

 

Harry moaned softly, because Louis’ reactions were…

 

They both bit their lips, and Harry allowed himself to be just slightly more rough, and Louis moaned, very loudly. Where he’d been terrified just a few moments ago, now he was nearly blind with arousal.

 

“Can you like,” Louis said, trailing off, and Harry spread his fingers a bit further, mindful of Louis’ limits, and Louis just, took flight, really.

 

“I’m gonna go to the knuckle. Is that alright?”

 

Louis nodded and Harry pushed further in. There was a slight moment of dscomfort and then a wave of heat, and wow, Harry’s fingers.

 

Harry’s _fingers_.

 

“Do that thing again,” Louis gasped out, and Harry smiled, trying to stifle his own moans but failing.

 

He ground himself down against the bed, desperate to feel a little friction against hs erection, and he bit his lips, pushing his fingers to the knuckle, carefully moving them in search of-

 

Louis gasped loudly, back arching off the bed.

 

There we go.

 

“Harry!” he shouted, eyes wide, because that…that had to be the prostate, and he needed to feel that again.

 

Harry prodded again, and for a second Louis thought he was going to die, it literally felt so good, so so good, and Harry was hitting it again, and he just kind of, wow, was moaning extremely loudly, and Harry hit it again and the build up was enormous and nearly too much, it was so much, everything, it was everything so much a lot, and again, was he thinking this or was he voicing it, Louis didn’t know, he didn’t care, he just had to keep feeling it and feeling it and feeling it and-

 

Harry watched the way Louis writhed, glancing down at his extremely hard and twitching member, reaching awkwardly for the towel he’d grabbed, and-

 

“Harry!” Louis nearly screamed, and he was coming, entire body shuddering as Harry held the towel so none of it would get on Louis. He carefully wiped any missed spots and tossed the towel out of Louis’ line of sight, watching as Louis slowly came back to himself.

 

“Lou?”

 

Louis didn’t answer, and Harry carefully removed his fingers, wiping them against his jeans.

 

“Lou?” he tried again.

 

Louis heard him, really, but he need a few seconds to literally remove his brain from his dick and think straight again, because that had been, something else.

 

“I’m great. I’m wonderful really,” he answered finally, barely managing to shift his body so he was sitting upright as best as he could. He glanced down at himself.

 

“Did you-

 

“I wiped up. It’s good,” Harry answered, sitting up on his knees.

 

Louis leaned his head back, closing his eyes and breathing. A deep moan caught he attention and he blinked his eyes open. He glanced over at Harry and watched, enraptured, as Harry palmed himself, tilting his head back. Harry’s lips were slightly puffy, and he bit them as he popped open the button of his jeans. Louis moved on shaky limbs, reaching for his boxers and pulling them back on before moving over to Harry.

 

“I wish I could help better, but my cum issue-

 

“It’s fine,” Harry gasped out, and Louis leaned forward, pulling Harry’s forehead to rest against his shoulder. Louis watched as Harry trembled as the slick sounds of his hand moving against himself, along with his panting breaths, filled the room. Louis bit his lip for a moment before pulling away from Harry and latching onto his neck, sucking at the skin. The tenor of Harry’s moans provided a comfortable vibration against Louis’ lips and tongue, and the speed of Harry hand sped up. Louis reached his hands up to yank at Harry’s curls as he worked his mouth against Harry’s neck.

 

Harry’s other hand fisted itself in Louis’ shirt, and Louis moved his mouth to another spot, sucking and nipping lightly, before pulling away. He looked deep into Harry’s eyes, before aligning his lips with the fresh bruises on Harry’s neck, and blowing softly at the still tender ad damp skin.

 

Harry let out a string of curses as he came and Louis held him close, taking care to keep his eyes focused on everything above Harry’s waistline. Harry slumped forward for a few minutes, catching his breath before slowly pulling away from Louis, grabbing a new pair of boxers and the towel he tossed and heading to the bathroom.

 

Louis watched him leave and fixed the pillows, sliding under the covers. Harry returned, tossing his dirty clothes into a plastic bag before joining Louis.

 

“So, that was-

 

“Amazing, Harry,” Louis interrupted, turning to face him.

 

“I’m…I’m glad, Lou,” Harry said with a blush. “So you’re, you’re alright?”

 

“I’m alright.”

 

Harry nodded, and their hands found each other’s under the covers, fingers lacing together.

 

“Thank you,” said Louis softly and sincerely.

 

“Anytime,” Harry winked, and Louis rolled his eyes.

 

Cheeky bastard.

.

.

.

 

It was only after the whirlwind that was the two Ireland concerts and on the way back to London when Louis managed to find time to speak to Zayn about what went down. They were huddled together while the others were fast asleep.

 

“I asked Harry to finger me,” Louis said, coming right out with it.

 

Zayn blinked a few times. “Okay. Alright. Okay. And how did that go?”

 

“Great, actually, it was, amazing. I mean, it sucked at first, and I had a brief moment of like, thinking about, things, but then it kind of, picked up.”

 

Zayn pondered this for a moment before saying, “So this is what you’d been terrified about a few days ago?”

 

Louis nodded. “I needed, a better experience to maybe counter whatever Dr. Minnie needs to do, and I just, I dunno, hope it will help.”

 

Zayn nodded. “Well, at least you enjoyed it.”

 

“Well, yea. A lot.”

 

As in, a lot a lot.

 

“But you should tell your therapist.”

 

Louis sighed, because along with everything else they were bound to speak about, that was sure to be interesting. “I know.”

 

Zayn took Louis’ hand in his and hummed a soft melody, letting Louis lean on his shoulder for the rest of the ride.

.

.

.

 

Like Louis had suspected, after going through the typical things like how he was feeling and his journal and everything, they started to delve into what happened the previous week.

 

Instead, he told her something else.

 

“I think I found one of my trigger words.”

 

Dr. Leslie looked up from where she’d been writing, giving Louis all of her attention. “That’s good, Louis. The more you learn, the more you can learn to work through it. DO you feel comfortable telling me what it is?”

 

“Tight. As in, sexually. If that makes sense.”

 

She wrote that down. “I understand what you mean. Are you able to define further context? At your own pace.”

 

Louis traced small circles against his thigh, fingernail scraping lightly at the fabric of his jeans.

 

“He told me I was. While he, um, assaulted me,” he managed to get out.

 

“Thank you for telling me that, Louis.”

 

He nodded.

 

“Did something happen in which the use of any phrasing along those lines incapacitated you in any way?”

 

Louis took the same approach he took with Zayn.

 

“I asked Harry to finger me, hoping that it would help with what Dr. Minnie has to do.”

 

It was a testament to her professionalism that she always managed to keep a calm demeanor no matter what spilled out of Louis’ mouth.

 

“I see. A rather drastic approach. Did you feel it necessary?”

 

Louis shrugged. “I mean, the procedure is necessary, innit? And Harry was very careful and he was always asking if he should stop and for like, anything I needed really.”

 

She nodded. “Louis, you do know that there is nothing sexual about the procedure. It is strictly medical, and Dr. Minnie will remain professional at all times.”

 

“No, I do know that, yea. But maybe, if I could tell between what is sexual and what isn’t, I won’t panic as badly as I did last time. That was part of the problem, right? That my body can’t tell the difference?”

 

“Part of it, yes,” Dr. Leslie said, “but there is much more to it than that.”

 

“I know,” Louis said with a sigh, “but I just wanted to try and make things a little easier. My way.”

 

She wrote that down.

 

“And I, um, I enjoyed it. A lot.”

 

She looked at him for a moment. “That, in itself, is a step forward, Louis. Congratulations.”

 

He blushed.

 

“But I have a question for you. What exactly is your relationship with Harry?”

 

Louis froze. That was…a hell of a complicated question.

 

“He’s my best friend,” Louis said softly, “And, he’s in love with me, but I don’t know what I feel for him. I love him but…” he trailed off.

 

Dr. Leslie laced her fingers together. “How does Harry treat you?”

 

Louis looked to the side. “He’s…he’s everything good, I think. He’s always there for me, all the time. He’s patient, and kind, literally willing to do anything to make me happy and keep me safe.”

 

“And what would you do for Harry?”

 

“The same. I would do everything he does for me, but like, times a hundred.”

 

Harry deserved no less, really.

 

“And how does that make you feel?”

 

“Like I matter, and I’m not as much of a screw up as I think I am.”

 

He bit his lip, before going further. It was good for him to keep going while he had the momentum. “I had a dream, with me, and a faceless child, and Harry. And we were like, the most perfect family ever, with kisses in the kitchen and Harry making breakfast and a happy little boy and…I don’t know.”

 

“Can you remember how you felt, in that dream?” Dr. Leslie asked, writing as she did so.

 

Louis could never forget that.

 

“Like nothing could ever go wrong,” he answered easily.

 

“And if you could have what you had in that dream with Harry, would you want it?”

 

“Hell yea,” Louis answered, “I love Harry too much to want it with anyone else.”

 

Dr. Leslie stared at him, and he stared at her, before his words came back to him. For a moment, Louis was positive he ceased to exist. When he came back to himself, Dr. Leslie carefully pressed a cup of water into his hand.

 

“Please drink. It’s alright, Louis, you’re alright.”

 

“What?” he asked drowsily, draining the cup rather quickly.

 

“You fainted, but only for a few seconds.”

 

“What!?”

 

“You just had a bit of a shock.”

 

A bit of a shock? He immediately remembered his revelation, and no, it was a HELL of a shock.

 

“Oh my God. I love Harry,” he gasped.

 

No, it was more than that. He _loved_ Harry. He loved Harry in a way that he wanted him to be cooking in the morning, for him and his child, and giving him kisses against the fridge and saying exchanging I love yous and growing old together.

 

He was in love with Harry.

 

Louis stood up, and Dr. Leslie stepped closer.

 

“Louis, I understand that you’re quite stunned-

 

“I need to go,” Louis gasped, ready to run out her office.

 

“And you can, Louis, but I just ask that you give yourself five minutes to relax a little, and maybe drink some more water. You did just faint, even if it was only for a moment.”

 

Louis reluctantly sat down, accepting another cup. He drank a little more slowly, and after sitting still for a few, he did feel a bit more grounded.

 

“Clearly, you have someone to see, so we’ll meet again at our next appointment.”

 

“Thank you,” Louis said, before quickly walking out.

 

He whipped out his phone, dialing Eleanor.

 

‘Hi Loui-

 

“I need to talk to you. Like in person. Are you home?”

 

‘Uh, yea, I am actually. I thought you were in Ireland?’

 

“I got back yesterday. I’ll be there soon.”

 

‘Is everything alright?’

 

“Soon,” Louis said, before ending the call.

 

His hands were shaking.

 

He was in love with Harry.

 

“Can you take me to Eleanor’s house, please?”

 

His driver nodded, and Louis thought about Harry and nothing else until he arrived at Eleanor’s home.

 

“You don’t have to stay. I’m gonna be here for a while so I’ll just call you when I’m ready to leave,” Louis told the man.

 

“Thanks man,” he said, watching Louis enter before driving off.

 

Eleanor grabbed Louis’ hand and tugged him into the living room.

 

“What the hell is ha-

 

“I’m in love with Harry.”

 

Eleanor looked at Louis for a moment, before jumping up.

 

“Yes, finally!” she screamed happily, running around the room and spinning wildly.

 

“Uh…” Louis said, not quite having expected that reaction.

 

Eleanor spun a few more times before flopping back onto the couch. “Louis, I’ve known youw ere in love with Harry for ages. I was just selfish and hurt about it, which is why I finally decided that we shouldn’t be together anymore.”

 

Louis’ eyes widened in realization. “So, that day, when you broke up with me after-

 

“Meeting with Harry, yea. I wanted to talk to Harry first. I knew he was in love with you too, but we both knew you were confused, and me being with you while you were in love with Harry while going through all of this was just too much. So I, you know, broke up with you,” Eleanor explained softly.

 

Louis sat back in the chair. “Oh,” he said quietly.

 

Eleanor looked over at him. “I’m still sorry though. I can’t imagine how confusing and hurtful it was when I ended things.”

 

“No, I, now that you’ve explained it and now that I know I…I love Harry, I understand why you did it.”

 

It was quiet for a moment, before Eleanor took his hand in hers.

 

“But Louis, do you realize how big this is? Harry has loved you for so long, and you, God, do you love him too, and there’s nothing stopping you from getting a huge chunk of happiness that you deserve. The two of you together can take over the world,” she said with a small laugh. “To be honest, I’m surprised you didn’t go running to him.”

 

“I’m still processing. It’s a lot.”

 

Eleanor squeezed his hand tighter.

 

“Let me make us some tea, and we can watch a movie or something. Give you a bit more time to just, relax. Is that okay?”

 

“Lovely, thanks. I’m just going to…run to the loo. Wash my face and stuff. I fainted, yu know, when I realized.”

 

Eleanor stared at him. “Everything about you and Harry is dramatic.”

 

“He fingered me,” Louis added, smirking.

 

“You know what? I’ll make the tea for you. It’s vodka for me today.”

 

Louis laughed as he made his way down the hall. Once in the bathroom, he used it first, before washing his face, cooling himself down a bit. He was so…he couldn’t describe it, but this was a big deal. All this time he’d thought that he’d been selfishly using Harry and now he knew that maybe he wasn’t. Maybe the love had been there all along, lost in everything else that was going on. He tugged off his jumper and smoothed down his t-shirt, rubbing soft circles against his tummy.

 

“I’m in love with Harry. I’m sure you hear how fast my heart is beating,” he whispered, before walking out of the bathroom.

 

He heard Eleanor from down the hall.

 

“I didn’t know you were coming over. I told you Louis was coming and it’s gonna be a while. We don’t get to see each other often,” she said, stirring was sounded like his cuppa.

 

“I know babe, but I just wanted to pop in for a little visit. See your face for a few minutes.”

 

Louis froze. A strange numbness travelled slowly through down his spine, extending throughout his entire body until he literally found he could not move. In fact, Louis was even certain he’d stopped breathing.

 

“Louis?” Eleanor called, before walking out of the kitchen, spotting him a few feet down the hall. “Oh, yea, I thought I heard yo-Louis?”

 

Louis wasn’t sure what expression was on his face, but Eleanor stopped moving, looking terrified. Just as she was about to rush over, her companion joined her, stepping out of the kitchen.

 

“Lyle, call an ambu-

 

“Hello Tommo. It’s been quite some time, hasn’t it?”

 

Louis still wasn’t moving.

 

Louis still wasn’t breathing.

 

Eleanor whirled around to look at Lyle, and then back at Louis, and it clicked. She opened her mouth to scream, or cry, or fight, or anything, anything at all, but he grabbed the back of her head and slammed into the wall of the kitchen entry way. She fell to the ground, limp, and he kicked her in the stomach and face each, just for good measure.

 

Louis stared down at Eleanor, lying motionless on the ground, before looking into Lyle’s eyes, finally able to out a face to the voice that tormented him.

 

He could never forget that voice, filled with such a nonchalant cruelty.

 

Lyle smiled.

 

“Well, now that that’s out of the way, let’s work on making our reunion something special. You have no idea how much I’ve missed you, Tommo.”

 

And at seven and a half months, Louis’ water broke.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have so much love for all of you. So much.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter that kind of started this whole thing, I think. Pretty messed up of me to have something like this as the first images to a story.
> 
> Love you guys <3
> 
>  
> 
> Trigger Warnings: non-consensual touching, unwanted sexual advances, violence

Over the past seven months, Louis became accustomed to fear. It was now a constant: in his dreams, in his everyday life, in every breath he took and everywhere he looked. The fear was always there.

 

But this?

 

This was a level he never thought he’d experience.

 

He’d been terrified when he’d woken up tied down with a stranger’s command over his body. He’d been so afraid of the people he cared about most finding out about what had happened. He absolutely dreaded the thought of his fans hating him for the mess he’d managed to get himself into. But this, looking into the eyes of the one who’d started it all, the one who’d torn him apart, who’d ruined so many parts of him, who’d laughed while he plundered and stole and broke and broke and broke, was an all new encompassing kind of terror barreling into him and weighing him down, locking his joints, stalling his thoughts, halting his breath…

 

Louis stared down at his soiled jeans, recognizing how much of a problem it was, but unable to comprehend it amongst the magnitude of all the others. He literally could not think straight at all. It was only the dire necessity for breath that his brain kicked in and he finally inhaled.

 

Lyle stepped over Eleanor, grabbing her phone and sticking it in back pocket. He walked into her living room and grabbed her home phone next, smashing it against the side of the table. He then walked out towards Louis, standing directly in front of him, and Louis only stared.

 

“Just had to get those minor distractions out of the way.” He laughed.

 

Louis blinked. Nothing was functioning. Eleanor was lying-maybe dead-on the floor and Louis couldn’t move. He didn’t even know how to go about trying.

 

“We have things to talk about Tommo,” Lyle said, moving even closer, and finally, something managed to kick in and Louis instinctively took a step back as Lyle continued to walk until Louis was pressed against a closet door at the end of the hall.

 

Lyle leaned down, pressing his nose against the crook of Louis’ neck and inhaling deeply. Louis stared numbly, straight ahead.

 

“You smell just how I remember you.”

 

Louis shuddered.

 

The man smiled and reached forward, brushing some of Louis’ hair back with surprisingly gentle fingers.

 

Lyle suddenly used his leg to push Louis’ legs apart. He pressed his forehead against Louis and slid his hands up Louis’ shirt, rubbing soft circles against his stomach.

 

“Our baby is in there,” he whispered, before leaning back a bit. “Did you pee yourself?”

 

Louis tried to process the words spoken. Did he...no he didn’t. He didn’t. His water broke. That’s what it had to be, because he’d peed five minutes ago.

 

_His water broke._

 

Louis finally met Lyle’s eyes.

 

He was staring into the eyes of the one who tore him apart.

 

There was a sudden knock on the door and Lyle turned around. A girl, blonde and stunningly beautiful let herself in. She glanced at Eleanor, stepping over her before walking over.

 

“How long are you gonna take? Want the baby,” she said with a pout, and Lyle laughed.

 

“Don’t worry, you’ll get it.”

 

Louis’ breath hitched. What did that mean?

 

“I’m just going to take Louis upstairs so we can talk a bit in private. Eleanor is out, and I have her phone. Oh.” Lyle reached into Louis’ back pocket, grabbing his phone as well. “Can’t have that,” he added, handing Louis’ phone over to the woman.

 

“Yay,” she said, taking it, “So I’ll just sit and wait. Don’t take too long, alright?” She gave him a soft kiss on the cheek, planting one unexpectedly on Louis as well.

 

Louis suddenly remembered dancing with her. He blinked dazedly.

 

_The pretty girl, with the blonde hair and very red lips. Touching him softly, whispering into his ear, the music was loud, very loud, and he didn’t feel well, and she was pulling him with her…_

_“Come with me,” she whispered, taking his hand and pulling him away. He followed dizzily, stumbling as she walked them out of the club._

_“I don’t…I don’t…feel-“_

_“Shh, it’s alright. He’ll take care of you. My brother will take care of you. He always takes care of his boys.”_

_There was a van there, parked just at the end of the back alley entrance._

_“Just climb in and you can sleep, okay?”_

_Sleep? Sleep sounded wonderful. He was so hot, and dizzy, and tired. His limbs were getting heavier and heavier, and he was grateful for the chance to just…not anymore. So he climbed in and barely managed to get to the other end of the car, slumping against the windows._

_“You always manage to bring the pretty ones,” said another voice, a man’s voice, and he puzzled over it before succumbing to the haze._

Louis came to with a gasp and stared at her, wavering on his feet. Lyle caught him and started to pull him backwards, towards the stairs.

 

“You were there,” Louis whispered, “I danced with you. You were there.”

 

She laughed. “I was.”

 

“You…you brought me to him. You _know_ him,” he added, heels knocking against the steps as Lyle dragged him upwards.

 

The girl shrugged and turned to walk into the kitchen. Louis glanced at Eleanor again before he was pulled around the corner and locked eyes with her. She blinked, before closing her eyes again.

 

Louis’ head spun.

 

She’d been there. She’d helped him. The girl he never remembered, but Niall had talked about. It was her. She’d helped him get rap-

 

A twinge of pain in his stomach tore those thoughts from his mind and he suppressed a moan. His shoes dragged against the carpet as he was tugged into Eleanor’s bedroom. He looked around at the familiar setting, her old dresser that she refused to give up even though the wood was chipping, the walk in closet he’d helped her build, the nightstand beside her bed where she kept a pocket knife after a particularly bad nightmare…

 

Lyle deposited Louis on the bed before crawling to lean over him. Louis stared over Lyle’s shoulder as he licked from his collarbone to his chin, sucking at the skin.

 

 

“You don’t understand how much I’ve been dreaming of this moment, Tommo. You are definitely a favorite.”

 

He reached his hands under Louis’ jumper, trailing rough fingers against the skin. Louis fought the urge to vomit, but other than that, he made no other movements. His mind was still swirling with everything happening, too much, too much was happening at once, too much bad, too much, too much, too much, Eleanor was hurt, he was hurt, she was there, the girl, she was there and she’d been in on it, he was here, Lyle was here, his rapist was here, again, touching him, touching him and licking him and breathing harshly against him.

 

Lyle moaned against Louis, reaching down to grab Louis’ hand, placing it against his crotch.

 

“Do you feel that? How hard I am for you?”

 

Louis shifted his gaze to the window, looking at how the fading light peeked through the blinds. Eleanor’s room was a very pretty pink that truly lit up when the sunlight hit the walls.

 

“Look at me,” Lyle commanded, and Louis did, shrinking under the weight of his malicious gaze.

 

He pressed Louis’ hand against him even more. “The things you do to me, Tommo.”

 

Lyle breathed harshly into Louis’ face before letting him go and sitting up. “Now, we have a plan. I’ve missed your ass, so I’m going to have a little fun first. Then, you, me, and Laney are going to go to our place, where you’ll stay with us until you deliver mini Tommo. Laney wants a baby and I’m going to give her one, preferably with my blood.”

 

Louis listened, heart pounding painfully hard and fast.

 

 

“You have nothing to worry about. You’ll be very comfortable, I promise. And we’ll have each other. I’ll be gentle. Sometimes.” Lyle laughed softly to himself before moving and tugging off Louis’ shoes.

 

“Now, let’s get you out of these wet clothes.”

 

 

He made a move to strip Louis of the rest of his clothing, grabbing the end of Louis’ jeans and tugging. After his pants would come his underwear, and then there would truly be nothing blocking Lyle from having his way with him again, and it would hurt, just like last time, it would hurt so much, and it would really, truly, break him. There would be nothing left. He’d be a wasteland in a body, and no…

 

No no no no no no no.

 

“No!”

 

The ferocity of his sudden shout stunned them both.

.

.

.

 

Harry frowned, staring at his phone. “Louis isn’t answering my calls or texts,” he frowned, and Niall looked over at him from where he was watching tv.

 

“He’s probably asleep.”

 

“Asleep where? His appointment ended a while ago and he should have been here by now,” Harry answered, frown deepening.

 

“Call his security. He’ll know.”

 

Harry glanced at Zayn, nodding. “Right. Should have thought of that.”

 

“That’s what I’m here for. Picking up your slack,” Zayn joked, and Harry chucked a couch pillow at him.

 

He dialed and waited for the man to answer, meeting Liam’s gaze. Liam smiled reassuringly at him and Harry smiled back, before hearing a voice on the other line.

 

“Hey, I tried calling Louis but he didn’t answer. Do you know where he is?”

 

‘At Eleanor’s. Took him there straight after his appointment. I’ll tell him you called when I go to pick him up.’

 

“Oh, okay-wait, pick him up? Shouldn’t you be there?”

 

‘He told me not to worry about t, since he’d be there for a while.’

 

Harry held his tongue, because considering the circumstances of Louis’ situation, security was supposed to be a 24/7 thing.

 

“Okay, well, I’m gonna head over then,” Harry said in a clipped tone, and all the boys looked over at him.

 

‘Okay mate.’

 

Harry ended the call and took a deep breath before meeting everyone’s gazes. “He left Louis at Eleanor’s alone.”

 

Zayn frowned. “I mean,,,dumb move on his part but what are the odds of something happening. I’m sure is he was followed he would have stayed.”

 

“You gonna head over anyways?” Liam asked, sitting up.

 

“Yea, it’s probably nothing. I’m just paranoid.” Harry stood up, stretching.

 

“Keep us posted then. We’ll order food for when you get back.”

 

“Cheers,” Harry muttered, adjusting his head scarf before walking out with his specific security detail.

 

“Can you take me to Eleanor’s please?” he asked, and the man nodded, the two of them heading out of a back entrance into the discreet black van.

 

.

.

.

 

“Excuse me?” Lyle asked, staring, and Louis suddenly yanked his foot from Lyle’s grasp, kicking the man in the chest and sending him hurtling off the bed.

 

“No,” Louis gasped this time, rolling himself off the bed so he had better leverage.

 

“Now Tommo, don’t tell me I have to tie you up again.”

 

A crippling pain shot through Louis from his core and he grabbed his stomach, gasping. The moment he was distracted, Lyle shot up from where he’d fallen, slamming Louis back into the wall behind him and pressing his forearm against the smaller male’s neck. Louis choked, reaching his hands up and pulling at the appendage.

 

“Don’t fight me. You won’t win, understand? I get what I want, and Laney gets what she wants. That’s how it works.”

 

He released Louis and grabbed him, throwing him in the direction of the bed. Louis staggered, catching himself at the edge and rolling around so he was facing Lyle.

 

“Get on the bed and lie still.”

 

No, he…he couldn’t…Louis watched Lyle stalk towards him and crawled backwards on the bed to the other side, sliding off. Lyle followed him. He had to get away, he had too, this couldn’t, he couldn’t…he wouldn’t…

 

Something kicked in, perhaps it was his long forgotten survival instincts, and that crippling paralyzing fear that had been pressing into him from all sides suddenly took a step back. He lunged, catching Lyle off guard with a punch that sent the other man stumbling backwards. Lyle recovered quickly and nailed Louis with a punch of his own, but Louis kept his footing, stepping back and putting his fists up.

 

“Don’t touch me. Don’t even come near me,” Louis growled, and Lyle stopped for a moment.

 

“You’re really going to try and fight me,” he laughed, pitch high with surprise.

 

Louis fought to control his breathing. He was panicking. And he was in a lot of pain. A terrible amount of pain, actually, and he glanced down at his stomach.

 

His baby was probably dying.

 

The world tilted and he stumbled to the left before steadying himself.

 

“You can barely stand and still you’re being defiant.” Lyle walked toward Louis who stood his ground.

 

His head was ringing from the hit he’d just took, the dull pain in his stomach was steadily increasing to a stabbing burning feeling, he could barely breathe, but…he wouldn’t back down. Eleanor was hurt down there, and she needed him. His family needed him. Harry, whom he’d just realized he loved, needed him. And his baby…his baby needed him.

 

So he had to fight. No matter how terrified he was, God, he had to fight. Lyle charged for him again ducked out of the way of his oncoming fists, back slamming against the opposite wall. Lyle smacked his palms against the opposite side of Louis’ body.

“Look how quickly that went,” Lyle said, smiling down at him and Louis acted fast, slamming his head against the bridge of Lyle’s nose.

 

Lyle yelped, cursing loudly and stumbling back. He cupped his nose with his hands, blood seeping through his fingers, and Louis moved again, locking his fingers and swinging both hands together to knock into Lyle’s face. The man fell to the side a Louis booked it as well as he could to the other side of the room again, opening the drawer and grabbing the knife. He slipped it into his back pocket and rushed over to the door, but Lyle grabbed his ankle at the last second.

 

Louis twisted to the side before he fell, and Lyle tugged him away from the door.

 

“Let go of me!” Louis yelled, kicking at Lyle with his other foot.

 

Lyle let go for a moment and Luis immediately tried to get away, only for Lyle to grab both of Louis arms and hoist him up. He shook Louis violently.

 

“Enough of this, you hear me!” he yelled, and Louis felt some of the fight leave him.

 

Honestly, how was he going to win this? He didn’t stand a chance…

 

Lyle dragged Louis to the bed again and shoved him back. “Sit up,” he told him, and Louis did, breathing harshly. He could feel the pocket-knife pressing against him as he stared up at Lyle.

 

“Look at this,” Lyle frowned, cupping his cheek, “I didn’t want to hurt you. All you have to do, Tommo, is do as I say. That’s it. And you won’t get hurt, too much, okay?” He pressed a kiss to Louis’ lips and Louis turned away.

 

Lyle’s grip hardened. “Okay?” he repeated, and for a split second, Louis imagined himself dead, because maybe that’s the only way he would finally feel peace.

 

“Oka-

 

A loud noise sounded from downstairs, followed by a scream so shrill and pained that Louis rapped his arms around himself.

 

“Laney!” Lyle screamed, and he was out the door before Louis could blink.

 

Louis stared at the open bedroom door with wide eyes. He quickly stood, only to hunch over. It _hurt_. But he had to keep going, so he did. He walked quickly and quietly, fighting to keep his breathing even. Someone downstairs was crying.

 

“There you are, you little bitch!” Lyle shouted, and another scream came, before sound of fists hitting flesh ran out loud and clear.

 

Louis sped up, making it downstairs and taking in the scene. Laney, he guessed, from what Lyle had called her, was lying fetal position on the ground. The skin around her face and arms was red and raw, the kettle from the kitchen lying a few ways off. Walking into the living room, he found Lyle holding Eleanor in a chokehold, and God, he’d seen enough movies to know that Lyle was about to snap her neck and _that couldn’t happen_.

 

“I’ll come with you!” he gasped, and Lyle looked up, finally noticing him. “If you let her go…if you let her live…”

 

Eleanor’s eyes were wide with terror and Louis forced himself to look away. He met Lyle’s instead.

 

“Please, let her go. Just let her go,” Louis begged, watching her lips turn blue.

 

“Good choice.” Lyle shifted his hold, and Eleanor went limp.

 

“No!” Louis screamed, and Lyle held his hands up, letting her drop. “I just put her to sleep, Tommo. By the time she wakes up, we’ll be gone.”

 

Louis brought his hand to his chest, keeping the other on his stomach, trying to breathe.

 

“Let me…let me get my shoes…they’re upstairs,” Louis gasped out, backing away from Eleanor and Lyle as he made his way back from where he’d come. Lyle rushed over to the still crying Laney, helping her sit up.

 

“Shhh,” Lyle whispered, cradling her.

 

Louis turned and made his way upstairs, grabbing his shoes. Somehow, the pain was still getting worse and it already hurt so much already. He moaned softly.

 

“You made the right decision, Tommo.”

 

Louis jumped. He hadn’t heard Lyle come in. He turned around and met Lyle’s gaze.

 

“Laney is really hurt, so we have to move fast. Put your shoes on in the van.”

 

Louis nodded. Lyle stared at him, and in that moment, Louis could honestly see the madness in his eyes.

 

“Let’s go Tommo…to start a new life together.”

 

Lyle moved closer, leaning down and pressing a kiss to Louis’ lips while Louis  slowly moved his hand to his back pocket. He closed his eyes and pulled out the knife from behind. Using the hand holding the knife, he carefully trailed his closed fist along Lyle’s side, stopping a little above the hip.

 

He flicked the blade out and angled his fist.

 

The blade slid in soundlessly.

 

Lyle stilled.

 

“Wha-

 

Louis pulled the blade out and thrust it forward, next catching Lyle in his lower abdomen. Lyle stumbled back, eyes wide. Blood flowed past Lyle’s fingers as he pressed his hands against the wounds as best as he could.

 

“Tommo-

 

“Don’t call me that,” Louis whispered, eyes wide as well. The hand holding the knife shook, Lyle’s blood dripping from the edge of the blade.

 

“You stabbed me,” Lyle gasped out, “You….you stabbed me…” he repeated, over and over, as he dropped to he knees and collapsed to the side.

 

Louis stared down at him. He would do it again. He would. But maybe it was better for Lyle to just bleed out on his own. Suffer a little.

 

“I am not yours,” Louis said softly. He watched Lyle for a moment longer before backing out of the room, shutting the door softly.

 

The hallway before him tilted and faded out for a moment before he shook his head a few times and walked slowly towards the stairs. He needed help.

 

Eleanor was still lying limp on the ground and Louis blinked before glancing at Laney. She whimpered and for a moment, Louis wanted to stab her too.

 

He blinked again, ignoring her and moving forward. Lyle had put their phones somewhere and Eleanor didn’t see the need for a house phone when she had her cell, so Louis stumbled outside. It was darker. The sun was setting and it was quiet. Louis’ thighs were wet and warm. He was probably bleeding.

 

It hurt.

 

The pavement was cool against his socked feet and he stopped, frowning at the shoes that were still in his hand. He’d put them on later. He walked up a neighbor’s driveway and rang the doorbell a few times, waiting patiently.

 

The door opened revealing a teenage girl, who’s eyes widened and mouth opened to scream before she really took sight of him.

 

“Oh…oh my God…mom! Mom!” she screamed, another woman rushed over.

 

“Oh,” said the older woman, zeroing in on the knife clenched in Louis’ hand.

 

“Sorry to bother…I just need to borrow your phone. To call for help,” Louis said softly, eyes fluttering.

 

“Okay,” the woman answered, standing protectively in front of your daughter. She glanced at the bruises on Louis’ face, neck and wrists.

 

“Sweetheart,  go get a blanket for me please, and my phone.”

 

The girl stared at Louis for a moment longer before running.

 

“Now young man, you look like you’re in shock, but before I help you, I need you to drop the knife. Can you do that?”

 

Louis looked down at his hand where the knife was.

 

 

He slowly unclenched his fingers and watched the blade clatter onto the pavement before looking up at her.

 

He opened his mouth to speak again when a streak pain much stronger than before tore through his middle and he immediately blacked out.

.

.

.

 

When he woke up, he was on the floor of a…living room? Something soft was under his head and a blanket was around him but he was freezing, and God, his stomach was on fire.

 

“Yes, a heavily pregnant male, he’s got a lot of bruises and I think he came from next door. I don’t know what happened but he’s in a lot of pain and lost consciousness. He sounded like he was in shock. Jess, wet some more paper towels and wipe the sweat off his forehead.”

 

He didn’t recognize who was speaking, and he didn’t know where he was, and the pain did nothing to help him think a bit to figure it out. Something cool touched his forehead and he shivered.

 

“It hurts,” he gasped out.

 

“Mom I think he’s waking up!”

 

Louis opened his eyes to see a teen girl and an older woman looking down him.

 

“Hi Louis, I’m Dianne. You walked over to my house, I think from next door?”

 

Louis gasped. El!

 

He tried to sit up but immediately fell back against the pillow.

 

“Shh, love, just breathe for me-

 

“No-no, my friend, she’s hurt. He choked her,” he gasped out, and wow, he’d only barely moved and already he felt like going back to sleep.

 

“Hello? Yes, he’s woken up, and he’s disoriented and very pale. What do you want me to do?”

 

Louis closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths, waiting for the exhaustion and dizziness to pass, but it didn’t. Another sharp pain hit, and he whimpered.

 

“Okay Louis, can you hear me love? I’m going to touch you down below really quickly.”

 

Louis tried to open his mouth to say something but his lips seemed stuck toghether, and he flinched as he felt her pat at his jeans.

 

“Oh, yes, he’s bleeding,” answered Dianne, and she sounded horrified.

 

“Oh my God,” came the girl’s voice from his other side, and Louis forced his eyes open.

 

“I can’t tell how much, but he’s definitely bleeding. Also, he mentioned other people were injured. Please send more ambulances. How many, Louis, can you remember?”

 

Louis blinked, curling up and rolling onto his side. Maybe it would hurt less if he changed positions. Maybe it would slow down his baby’s death…and his.

 

“Louis, can you here me?” Dianne asked, and Louis closed his eyes.

 

Another rolling pain slammed into him and he suppressed a scream. How could it possibly hurt more?

 

“You need to hurry, please. He came here with a knife, he said someone choked his friend, and I think they’re both still in the other house.”

 

“Mom, what should I do, should I um, get him water maybe?”

 

Dianne nodded, and Jess quickly got up, running to the kitchen. Louis tuned out the conversation. It wasn’t that hard. He was fading out anyways. Would this be the last time he lost consciousness?

 

Would he wake up again?

 

He wrapped his arms around himself and shuddered, falling under again.

.

.

.

 

Harry tuned out the car ride, staying focused on his phone, when flashing lights caught his attention. One police car, no two, no _three,_ zoomed past their SUV, followed by and a bunch of ambulances, and even more police cars after.

 

“What the hell,” he muttered.

 

It was only after the sounds of the sirens weren’t dimming as the drove on by through the residential neighborhood did he realize they seemed to be headed in the same direction.

 

“Oh God,” he whispered, heart speeding up.

 

Maybe it wasn’t that serious. Maybe something happened to one of Eleanor’s neighbors, or this was a shortcut to bypass the stoplights.

 

He looked down the street and caught sight of them parked by Eleanor’s flat, and he unbuckled his seatbelt.

 

“Stop the car,” he said, and the car jerked to a stop, and he was sprinting down the street.

 

Please be okay, please, God, Louis had to be okay, he was fine, everything was fine, he would be okay, he would be okay.

 

He overheard some of the authorities shouting at him as he bound past them into the open door of Eleanor’s flat.

 

“Louis!” he screamed, and someone grabbed his shoulder.

 

He turned to see a police man.

 

“Young man, you can’t be in-

 

“Louis, I need to find, Louis, where-

 

He spun and saw Eleanor on the ground surrounded by paramedics. His jaw dropped in horror. Another girl he didn’t recognize was being wheeled out, and her skin looked-

 

“Young man, Mr. Styles, please, just step out with me mate, don-

 

“Male, multiple stab wounds, being transferred down and out as soon as possible,” came a voice from the police man’s walkie talkie, and Harry’s blood ran cold.

 

“Oh God,” he whispered, staggering to the side. The man steadied him, and with the help of another, helped Harry outside before he vomited into the grass.

 

Louis got stabbed? Louis got…Louis got stabbed?

.

.

.

 

The next time he woke up, the first thing he felt was surprise, because he had been pretty sure that that was it for him.

 

After that came mind-numbing panic because he couldn’t move, he couldn’t move, why couldn’t he move why why why-

 

“He’s awake,” came a new voice, and Louis blinked to see a man in uniform leaning over him.

 

“Welcome back, Louis. Everything’s alright, don’t panic. They’re just moving you into the ambulance. It’s fine,” said Dianne from his side, smoothing his hair back.

 

He glanced down to see he was strapped onto a gurney. “El,” he said, words slurred.

 

“I’m guessing El is one of the two females. They’re being helped, so don’t you worry about them,” she answered.

 

One. He was only worried about one. Only worried about El. The other one could…he flinched, gasping as his stomach clenched.

 

“M’ only seven months,” Louis mumbled as they wheeled him out.

 

This time the paramedic spoke. “It’s going to be fine. We’ll do everything we can. You’re job, right now, is to stay awake. Think you can do that?”

 

Louis looked over at where Dianne and Jess were, at the front door of their home. “Thanks,” he whispered, and he couldn’t tell if they heard him or not. He hoped they did. He really was thankful.

 

“Louis? You think you can do that? Stay awake?” asked the paramedic.

 

He shook his head, turning away. The flashing lights lit up the area around him and Louis stared up at the sky. Was he headed up, or down?

 

Someone was crying.

 

“How did he get stabbed?” he heard them ask, and immediately, Louis tried to sit up.

 

That was Harry? Harry was here?”

 

“We’re going to figure out the details, but honestly, we need to you take a few steps back so we can do our jobs.”

 

“But he’s my best friend…and he got stabbed? How? Who stabbed him?” Harry asked, and there was a broken sound to his voice that Louis had never wanted to hear.

 

“Harry,” he called out, voice week, barely a whisper. “Harry!” he tried again.

 

“Alright, let’s load him up, we need to step on it, he’s not looking good. Losing too much blood.”

 

No, no, they were going to drive him off and leave Harry there when he wanted Harry here, with him.

 

He opened his mouth to yell, only pain struck him again, and he ended up screaming, “Harry!”

 

Harry’s head shot up from where it’d been in his hands. Louis?

 

“Lou!” he asked, immediately standing up.

 

He looked over a few feet to spot a familiar mop tussled brown hair and ran as fast as his legs would allow.

 

“Louis,” Harry sad, before bursting into tears, “Louis what-

 

“Mr. Styles, we need to load him up. Come with if you’d like.”

 

Harry stepped back to give them room, wiping at his eyes before climbing in after them, sitting beside Louis gurney. Seconds later, the ambulance was speeding along the road. A few moments passed where Harry took the sight of Louis in, the brusies litering his face, his neck, how pale he was, and the blood on the blanket.

 

The blood…

 

“Louis,” Harry whispered again, reaching for his hand. Louis squeezed as best as he could.

 

The paramedic hooked Louis up, monitoring his vitals and Harry wanted to scream. What was going on!?

 

“His name is Lyle…the one who attacked me,” Louis mumbled, and Harry leaned down, straining to hear.

 

“I…you remember his name?” Harry asked, trying to piece two and two together. Louis was here, bleeding…down below, but who was stabbed? Why was Lous like this? Who hurt him?

 

“He came to El’s…attacked us…tried to take me with him…” Louis fought to keep his eyes open, turning his head slightly to meet Harry’s gaze. Harry’s bright-green wide-eyed gaze. He was so beautiful.

 

“He…” Harry couldn’t repeat it, hell, he could barely process it, much less anything, at the moment.

 

“But-

 

“And my water broke,” Louis added, “It hurts so much,” he gasped.

 

“Jesus, Louis-

 

“Step on it mate! Heart rate is dropping,” the paramedic said, hands ruffling around for different tools.

 

Harry wondered if his heart rate was dropping too. “Louis, babe, stay awake, okay, look at me, look at me, you can tell me everything later, when you’re all cleaned up, right, yea, Lou? When you’re not in any more pain, we can talk, okay, so stay awake, Lou…”

 

Louis blinked up at Harry.

 

“It really hurts,” he whimpered, and Harry cupped his cheek. “I know, and I’m sorry, Lou, I’m so sorry all these things keep happening to you.”

 

Harry was crying again.

 

Louis watched, wanting to do something, but he was fading fast. God, he was just so tired.

 

“Lou-

 

“Harry I love you.”

 

Harry nodded, “I know, Lou, I know you do…”

 

Louis shook his head. “No, Harry, I’m,” he paused, trying to catch his breath. Everything hurt. “I’m in love with you,”

 

Harry froze, staring down at him. “No,” he finally answered, “No, tell me this later, okay, tell me this later when you’re better-

 

“I’m really tired and I need you to know-

 

“I don’t want a death bed confession, Louis!” Harry yelled, frantic, “Because you’re going to be fine! You have all the time in the world to tell me this, you hear me? Please, Louis, save this for later, and just look at me, okay, keep your eyes open!”

 

“We’re a minute out. A team is ready for him, and his primary doctor is there too. You hear that, Louis, stay awake mate. Faster, man he’s going,” said the EMT.

 

Louis stared at Harry, squeezing his hand again. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, and Harry broke down.

 

“Louis, Louis please, please keep your eyes open, no, no open your eyes, baby, look at me please,” Harry leaned over and grabbed Louis’ face, shaking him softly, “Lou, you can’t, you can’t leave me, please, Louis, I love you, I love you I love you I love you, I’m sorry I yelled, I shouldn’t have yelled, so can you open your eyes? Please, Louis, stay with me, please, don’t leave me alone, Louis, God, please, please let him wake up, please-

 

The ambulance jerked to a halt and the ambulance door was yanked open, doctors and nurses hurriedly pulling the gurney out and leaving Harry sobbing in the back of the ambulance.

 

“The patient is Louis Tomlinson, stated he was seven months pregnant, multiple bruises from unknown altercation, in pre-mature labor, heavy bleeding, lost consciousness around a minute ago!”

 

“Straight into the E.R!” Dr. Minnie shouted. “From the look of that blood, emergency C-section! Let’s go! We can save them!”

 

“Please!” Harry shouted, stumbling out and collapsing onto all floors. He heaved, gasping, but couldn’t catch his breath. “Sa-save him please, pl-please please please-

 

“Get him someone, he’s having a panic attack. Harry, look at me.”

 

He did.

 

“I swear to you, I will do everything possible, understand?”

 

He nodded, and watched as Louis was wheeled away in a whirlwind of white coats and frantic voices.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don’t bash Zayn in the comments. I have NOTHING but love and support for Zayn and I honestly don’t have the patience for any type of hatred towards him. My love for him is eternal and pure. I love him with all my heart, and too many people I followed on tumblr hated him, which is one of the main reasons why I left.
> 
> Thank you :)

Harry came to when someone reached their hands under his armpits and hoisted him up. His head lolled to the side as someone else grabbed his feet. There were muffled sounds all around him but he couldn’t bring himself to open his eyes, knowing that if he did, it’d be everyone but Louis.

 

He just wanted to see Louis.

 

He just wanted Louis to be okay.

 

Something was placed over his face and a cool breeze filled his mouth and throat.

 

He coughed.

 

Fingers tangled up in his hair before tightening, and he winced at the pain, finally opening his eyes.

 

He looked to his left and saw Zayn. He frowned. Why was Zayn pulling his hair?

 

A hand cupped his cheek and turned his face forward. A doctor was leaning over him, who took Harry’s hand and placed it over the hospital oxygen mask, holding it in place.

 

“Breathe, or we’ll have to sedate you,” the man said calmly.

 

Zayn leaned over and whispered in his ear, “You’ve fainted twice Harry. We literally can’t calm you down, and you need to calm down, because we need you awake, and Louis needs you awake, so please…please try and breathe a little slower…please…”

 

Zayn looked five seconds from breaking down and Harry used his other hand to lace their fingers together, nodding slowly.

 

There was nothing to be calm about, but the thought of being unconscious and unaware of what was happening to Louis was enough to help reign some of his thoughts in. Zayn took his hand out of Harry’s hair and pulled him to lean against his shoulder.

 

“Just keep doing that,” the doctor instructed, a bit more kindly this time. “I know it’s hard, but you can do it, alright? And when you feel a little better, we’ll move you somewhere more secure.”

 

Harry nodded, sitting up so he could look around him. Niall was sitting, back ramrod straight a few seats away from him. His face was…expressionless. Liam was beside him, leaning his head back, eyes closed, knees bouncing.

 

Harry thought about Louis’ eyes fluttering shut, and the way his body went limp.

 

Zayn was shaking beside him, and Harry maneuvered himself so he could hold Zayn close and keep the mask on.

 

“I’m trying to keep it together too, I’m sorry,” Zayn mumbled and Harry just held him tighter.

 

“I need-you-to hold me,” Harry sad between breaths, “And I’ll-hold you, and we’ll keep-each other-together,” he finished.

 

Zayn nodded, and they both took deep, even, breaths.

.

.

.

 

_Louis opened his eyes to a dull grey expanse. He felt…strange._

_He sat up, and looked down at himself, recognizing the clothing he was in, at least._

_Was he dead?_

_This kind of seemed like death. He opened his mouth to call out when he was suddenly_

“We’ve got a pulse!”

 

Louis gasped in pain, voice tapering off into a soft screech. God, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt-

 

“Louis! Can you hear me?”

 

Red hair swam into focus and he blinked up at Dr. Minnie. He tried to speak but moaned instead, wanting to curl up, wanting to go back to wherever he’d just been because it truly hurt, so badly-

 

“Louis! We’re prepping you for an emergency c-section. Nod if you understand me.”

 

He nodded.

 

“Good, okay. I’ll be with you, alright? Your boys are here too, they’re in a waiting room, and they’re waiting. Your family’s been called, and they’re going to get here as soon as they can. Nod again if you understand.”

 

A wave of pain rolled through him and he moaned softly, clenching his eyes shut and nodding again.

 

“Eyes open, Louis.”

 

He opened them again and gazed up at the ceiling, watching as the lights blurred in and out of focus and the gurney was sped down the hall.

 

It was mesmerizing, and Dr. Minnie was saying something else but her voice sounded very far away.

 

He went back under _gasping for breath. He was cold, and this time the grey of the world around him was a little bit darker. A tiny cry sounded and he looked down to see a faceless baby wiggling weakly in his arms._

_Oh._

_He carefully lifted the baby closer to him. The cries were nearly, and the baby was so small._

_Are you dying too, he thought._

_He tried again to make a sound, but nothing came out of his mouth. He frowned._

_I wish I could sing you a lullaby, he thought as he stared at the-_

“He’s back with us!” someone yelled, and Dr. Minnie appeared again.

 

“Louis, darling, we’re just about ready to start. Can you keep your eyes open for me, please.”

 

He stared dazedly at her.

 

“Your baby is in distress. We’ve numbed you and we’re working to control the bleeding. Do you understand?”

 

He thought to the little thing that’d been crying in his arms.

 

“Can you nod, or blink?

 

Distress. His baby was in distress.

 

His eyelids fluttered _, and the baby in his arms wasn’t moving anymore. It was alarmingly still. He shook it softly._

_Wake up, he thought._

_He gently laid it on the ground pale ground before leaning over it, running his hand in small circles against its tiny tummy-_

“We’re losing him again. Both of them! Get that baby out of him!”

 

_No no no no, wake up, little thing, wake up, wake up. He didn’t do this, he didn’t go through all this, for that man to cause his baby to perish._

_They needed to get it out, get it out, get him out_

“Get him out of me!” Louis screamed suddenly, with an energy he thought he’d never have. He sat up slightly, gasping. And the medical team all around him jumped.

 

“He’s dying,” Louis gasped, before collapsing weakly, “He’s dying, he’d dying, get him out, I feel him dying, get him out.”

 

“Just stay awake for us,” one of the doctor’s said, and Louis tried his best, he really did, but the moment he closed his eyes, _he was back again, and the tiny baby lying beneath him was still not moving, and still not breathing, and he was getting tired here too._

_He lied down next to the baby and took its tiny hand in his finger._

_Sorry, he thought, I’m so sorry._

_The baby twitched, tiny fingers barely clinging his._

“Louis, open your eyes, darling, look,”

 

He forced his eyes open and glanced over, seeing a tiny little thing, covered in all types of weird gook, wheezing softly. He watched them place him on a small gurney and whirl him away.

 

Oh, he thought.

 

And closed his eyes again.

 

_He was alone again. He stared down at his empty hands in wonder._

_Maybe this was really it, this time._

_He glanced around, noticing that the place, wherever he was, was getting darker and darker. Her curled up and wrapped his arms around himself, resting his head against his knees._

_He really didn’t want to die, but he was just so tired._

“Sew him back up, quickly. And you, help me stop the bleeding,” said another voice.

 

“He needs more blood!” yelled another.

 

Louis didn’t want to hear this. He didn’t want to hear himself dying.

 

So he closed his eyes, and when he opened them again, _it was even darker._

_He held his hands out in front of them and could barely see them._

_At least his baby was alive. He still wasn’t quite sure what how he felt about everything that’d happened but…it was a good thing his baby didn’t die because he wasn’t strong enough._

_It would have been nice to stick around though._

_He waited for the black to succumb him, and for his thoughts to trickle out, and for him to dissolve and become nothing._

_And waited._

_And waited._

_And slowly, the room brightened. Black, to grey, to white, to blinding._

_Louis stumbled backwards, wondering what the hell was happening, and closed his eyes._

.

.

.

 

Steady beeping was the first thing he heard. It sped up and he shifted, fingers twitching.

 

Someone’s hand was in his.

 

“Louis, baby?”

 

He recognized the voice instantly. His mum. He opened his mouth, gasping softly at the feeling of his dry lips opening, and how parched he was. He swallowed convulsively and coughed, trying to open his eyes and breathe.

 

The heart monitor, he figured, beeped even faster.

 

“It’s okay, love, oh my darling, let me get the nurse.”

 

He grabbed her hand tighter, and he felt her hand run through his hair.

 

“I’m not leaving, baby, I’m just pressing the button. It’s okay, shhh.”

 

He was whimpering.

 

Everything hurt.

 

“Louis?” came another voice, “Try to open your eyes for me. Can you do that?”

 

He stilled, trying to calm down, and open his eyes so he could see something. Anything.

 

His eyelids fluttered, and he moaned softly, wondering why opening his eyes seemed like the hardest thing he could ever be asked to do.

 

Finally, he blinked repeatedly, vision blurred and unfocused. He turned his head to his mother’s voice, and the first clear thing he saw was her worried blue eyes.

 

“Mummy,” he wheezed out, voice cracking.

 

“Oh, Louis,” she said, before bursting into tears. He weekly clung to her as she weeped. “I was so worried, darling, I’m sorry, I was just so worried.”

 

He wanted to console her but he was exhausted.

 

A nurse placed a piece of ice near his mouth and he sucked it in, sighing at the instant relief.

 

“Baby?” he asked softly, after she managed to calm down.

 

“He’s in the NICU,” his Jay answered after a moment, bringing his hand to her mouth and kissing it softly.

 

He nodded.

 

“It was a pretty rough birth, love, and he’s very small. They’re taking good care of him, don’t worry.”

 

He wasn’t worried. He wasn’t feeling anything, really. Mind wise, at least.

 

He looked around the room, noticing it was filled with flowers, teddy bears, cards, and balloons. Jay followed his gaze.

 

“You’ve been out for three days. If you’re uncomfortable, one of the reasons is the catheterized you. I’m sure they’ll take it out soon.”

 

He nodded again, staring down at their conjoined hands.

 

“Boys?” he asked after another moment of silence.

 

He tried to ignore the nurse moving around the room and writing things down on her chart.

 

“Waiting room,” she answered, leaning down to kiss his cheek.

 

He turned his head to stare at the blinds covering his room windows. He ran his other hand over his flat stomach. It felt strange.

 

The door to his room opened and Dr. Minnie followed by another doctor walked in, shutting the door behind him.

 

“Louis, it’s nice to see you’re awake. This is Dr. Carson, he was in charge of your surgery.”

 

“You probably don’t remember me. I’m sure your mother has filled you in some,” he said, and Louis kept his gaze to the window.

 

Silence reigned before they spoke again.

 

“Your baby is in the NICU. He had a few breathing problems that we want to keep monitoring. He’s in a stable environment, and while he’s a tiny little thing, he’s warm and as comfortable as he could be outside of the womb. He was 24/7 care and we’re leaning towards a more positive mindset in regards to his complete recovery.”

 

He blinked. He wished they’d put the blinds up. He wanted to see the sky.

 

The other adults exchanged worried glances.

 

“As for you, you’ve been asleep for three days The c-section was a success, though a bit challenging as you lost consciousness quite often, and the baby had a very weak pulse throughout. You lost quite a lot of blood, so we had to give you some. Your face and neck are a bit bruised from the assault you suffered-

 

“Can you take the catheter out?” he asked suddenly, coughing lightly.

 

“I…yes. We can.”

 

He looked to the others in the room before nodding. “I’ll get a nurse to help you with that-

 

“And I want to see him,” Louis interrupted again.

 

“Pardon?”

 

Louis finally turned to meet the doctor’s eyes. “I want to see my baby,” he rasped.

 

“Louis-

 

“Now.”

 

They stared for a moment before he nodded, signaling for the nurse in the room to get help. Another nurse came in and worked on getting the catheter out. He watched them remove a bag of urine, working with deft hands to complete the rest of the process. He gasped softly as he felt the catheter shifting as it was pulled out.

 

“How does that feel?” asked one of the nurses, but Louis ignored her, waiting until she moved back before slowly pulling himself up.

 

Everyone moved, concerned.

 

“Louis-

 

“Don’t touch me,” he rasped out, using the railing of the bed to pull himself to the edge, shivering as his feet met cold ground. He moved his hands slowly so his iv’s wouldn’t tug or get tangled, and latched onto the IV stand, getting up on wobbly legs. He moaned softly as pain radiated through his lower stomach and back.

 

Stepping forward carefully, he moved away from the bed, where Jay immediately rushed behind him.

 

“Mr. Tomlinson, I can easily get you a wheelchair-

 

“Leave me alone,” Louis mumbled, staggering forward. They all leaned toward him, looking ready to grab him if he fell, but he kept moving.

 

“Open the door.”

 

“Louis-

 

“Open it!” he yelled, and immediately went into a coughing fit, grabbing his stomach.

 

“Okay, Louis.”

 

He looked up to see Dr. Minnie staring at him. “Okay. It’s okay. We’ll walk you there, alright. We won’t touch you unless you fall. And after you see your baby, I want you to please sit in the wheelchair we’re getting so we can get you back in bed, comfortable, and checked out. Is that alright?”

 

The sudden hysteria and rage he felt bubbling over subsided, and he nodded, walking out of the door.

 

He made his way down the hall, following behind Dr. Minnie at a snails pace. A few times he had to stop for breath, felt like he was going to pass out, or vomit, but he held himself together and kept going.

 

There was a nurse right behind him with a wheelchair, and his mum beside her, but he ignored them, focusing on walking as steadily as he could. He sped up as much as he was capable as they approached the NICU ward, he only accepted help when they sanitized him before letting him in.

 

“He’s right there.” Dr. Minnie pointed, and Louis walked over, immediately lost at the sight of the tiny little babe seemingly covered in wires and dwarfed by the diaper around his waist.

 

Little fists were curled up and his chest breathed in and out at a rapid pace. There was a tiny yellow hat on his head. Louis slowly stuck his hand in the little hole provided through the case protecting the baby and trailed his finger down the arm.

 

His eyes were shut, mouth covered by tubes, but if he looked carefully he could see its little mouth downturned in a pout.

 

“He’s so small,” Louis whispered.

 

“Two pounds and seven ounces,” Jay whispered from behind him.

 

He instinctively reached back and she took his hand in hers, steadying him and he slowly lowered to the floor, leaning his head against the case. He gazed at the wall ahead of him, trying to clock out of the situation entirely.

 

“It’s alright love,” his mum whispered, helping the nurses lift him into the wheelchair.

 

“I’m here baby, you’re not going through this alone.”

 

Her words were muffled, but he tightened his hand in hers as he was slowly wheeled back to his room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait and the length. You guys are the absolute sweetest.


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